To not want to pay for his kids to come on trip

[CbeebiesDelirium]

My aunt has kindly gifted us a day out to the zoo as she's aware lockdown has been hard on the children.

She has a close relationship with my DC but hasn't met DP's other children who don't live with us and she didn't factor them into the day out. She has bought tickets for me, DP and our children.

We are going tomorrow and it is all paid for in advance. DP isn't due to see his DC until Friday and he doesn't have a penny to his name at the moment. He lost his job as a result of the pandemic and has just began a new one.

His children aren't aware we're going to the zoo but I'm apprehensive that when they come on Friday they may feel left out when they hear about the trip.

I suggested DP invite them along if their mum is happy to pay for them.

He doesn't want to ask their DM as he said it's his job to pay for them when they're with him. Fair enough.

That leaves the only option being that I pay.

Given the fact he lost his job and we are in financial hardship (that we'll soon be coming out of thankfully) I've had to be very frugal with what we do have and can't really afford to pay for their tickets, plus meals, ice creams etc.

If my aunt hadn't treat the children to the day out I wouldn't be taking them as it's a luxury we can't afford again yet.

AIBU?

What would you do?

Pay for them and penny pinch for the rest of the month..

Insist DH asks his ex if she can pay for them..

Not invite them?

No I think you just use the gift and explain to your step children it was a gift from Auntie x - who they don't have a relationship with. You could reassure them you will repeat the trip to the zoo in September/October etc (when you are financially able).

Presumably their own mother has taken them to the zoo or holidays etc without your children, the difference being your children aren't old enough to understand they missed out yet. But not long now, and they will understand that. I respect your concern, but I do think all of the children need to realise its not always going to be completely equal, being in a blended family with different relationships and living situations.

Yanbu OP

Ignore the people who are baffled that your extended family haven't met two children who most of the time do not live with you.

My friend had two step children. None of us had met them and neither had her brother, because they were only with her husband EOW and when they were visiting he often took them off on special trips himself. The way they did Christmas was that he had them every other, and they always saw his parents the year he had his kids, and my friends parents the year he didnt.

They have lives elsewhere and you have lives when they aren't with you.

Don't invite them. Do not stop it coming up in conversation though - you shouldn't teach your children to have secrets. It is perfectly ok for your aunt to make a gift like this (assuming she is not deliberately trying to exclude your DSC). I wouldn't pay for my niece's ex's DC to have a day out with niece and family as it is too much money. Just explain it was a gift from the DC's aunty.

It's fine for them not to come this one time. As the middle one of three, often we didn't get the same treats growing up. My father would often take my older brother to the science museum or space centre by himself. Other times he would take all three of us, but it was "their" thing so we'd be left at home if DB didn't want us there. My mother would often take just the girls (me and younger sister) out, and father and brother would watch a movie or play computer games at home. Sounds a bit gendered now, but we liked it growing up . None of us thought our parents were being unfair or excluding us, though we did moan if we missed something we really wanted to do 😁!

I appreciate you're got to be more careful to ensure DSC feel included, but I would have thought this would be fine: "Wasn't it nice of DC's aunt to pay for the zoo? It was so fun we're going to take you all (or your daddy will take just you bigger two, whatever you would like best) as soon as we can afford it." Can't see how that would make them feel unwanted.

Thanks for the replies. I think I've been over thinking it, I just didn't like the thought of them feeling left out.

If they find out I wouldn’t make a big deal about it, and just be like “oh yeah we just had some tickets that needed to be used on a certain day and it fell on a day where you were with your mum.” Then tell them you will book a day out all together soon. And just get on with whatever you’re doing.

We have a fun (free) day planned for when they come and I'm sure DP will make it up to them when he gets his wages through.

That sounds lovely and they will have a great time with you.

@Runnerduck34 why should the DP miss out? They don’t even have the kids that day so it’s not like they are leaving them. I’m sure they will be doing lots of fun things on the days they are with their mother.

IMO the DSC will only feel bad if they are led to believe that they should have been included and were entitled to be included and that’s it’s a terrible outrage that they missed out.

As PPs have said, if it’s explained briefly as a gift from a woman they probably don’t even know exists and swiftly moved on to ask what they’ve been up too, why should they mind? It’s not a big deal so don’t make it into one on their behalf.
If they’re the type of kids who’d get pissy at their young siblings going on one trip without them, I’d say that’s the bigger issue that needs addressing.

I remember the thread a PP was talking about. The OP had received a small amount of compensation which she'd used to pay off the family holiday which her step children were going on as well and wanted to use the remaining amount to take her young daughter who was being bullied at school on a 'girls day'. Posters seemed to think she should split the amount between her daughter and her two step sons and take them all out at once. Absolutely stupid. Poor woman should be allowed to take her own daughter out for the day with her own money.

If the step children were supposed to be with you that day I would have agreed you'd need to go another day or find a way for them to come however they aren't even going to be there. For all you know they could be out at the bloody zoo with their mum.

Your children are perfectly entitled to have a day out when their step siblings are with their other parent.

In fact I think it's a real problem on MN that resident children and their feelings get neglected and forgotten in order to pander to step children. What a way to breed resentment between the children if they can't ever have fun with their parents whilst their step siblings are off likely having their own fun with their mum. It's a ridiculous attitude.

@viques

Have you confused OP with a child?

There's a similar thread whether here or on step parenting once every few weeks. Its always a sibling, grand parent, aunt that offers a trip away that doesn't include the step children.

Yet I've never read a thread when a similar family member offer such a trip to the family when there are not stepchildren.

Call me cynical but I think in a number of those threads, there are no aunt or brother but a step parent who wants to go away with her husband and kids and just doesn't want her step-kids included.

In fact I think it's a real problem on MN that resident children and their feelings get neglected and forgotten in order to pander to step children
Would taking step children on a day out, if it could be afforded, pandering to them?

I hate that word, pandering, always rver associated with step children.

In fact I think it's a real problem on MN that resident children and their feelings get neglected and forgotten in order to pander to step children. What a way to breed resentment between the children if they can't ever have fun with their parents whilst their step siblings are off likely having their own fun with their mum. It's a ridiculous attitude.

I totally agree.

It’s really important (and can be really difficult - especially when you’re dealing with divorced dad guilt) not to see everything as revolving entirely around the DSC, on both contact and non-contact weekends. It’s just not fair on the resident children, who are just as important.

DSC should be treated as part of the (blended) family. Which means that, as in all families, sometimes it’s about them and their interests needs and sometimes it’s about someone else’s. And life will go on for everyone else when they’re off at their other parent’s.

It sends a strong message to any resident children that they are less important if they either: (a) never get to do any fun stuff if their (step)siblings aren’t there (lest the siblings miss out) or (b) are only ever properly considered when the (step)siblings aren’t there (because it’s all about the siblings when they are).

Similarly, it means that contact weekends should be normal - sometimes they’ll be fairly mundane; sometimes they’ll be exciting. The same will be true for the resident children, and it shouldn’t be that they only ever get exciting ones if their (step)siblings are there to enjoy them. This can be a really hard thing to get a father who sees his kids (or some of them) to accept.

Resident children, whether they’re the step-siblings or younger siblings, matter just as much as children who are there less of the time. They should be able to enjoy their time with their mother just as much as non-resident children enjoy their time with their mother (as most children with split parents do). And they should also be able to spend time with their father? Why should younger siblings not get to go places with both their parents on non-contact weekends for their siblings? Or be sidelined/deprioritized because the non-resident children are not always there?

What you do is think holistically about meeting everyone’s needs and encouraging the kind of usual give and take that happens in any family. Acting like the DSC are a kind of second coming every other weekend, and then spending the rest of the time in mourning because they’re not there is not helpful at all. And just isn’t fair at all to any other children in the family, who can totally see where they fit in the pecking order.

I also agree that asking the younger children to keep quiet about the trip is unhealthy. It sends the message that they shouldn’t really get to do fun stuff and that their siblings are too fragile to hear that the did something nice. I doubt that the siblings feel the need to keep it secret if they do something fun with their mum.

Yet I've never read a thread when a similar family member offer such a trip to the family when there are not stepchildren.

Presumably that’s because there just isn’t an issue if there are no DSC.

Family member offers day out/holiday/whatever. Family go. It’s uncontroversial.

You’d see posts on here if the family member offered a trip out for 2 out of 3 children in the family because that would be controversial.

In a stepfamily, there are more variables. So it becomes an issue. Add to that the idea that DSC are the Most Important (so long as it’s from the stepmother’s POV; her own children aren’t the kind of Important DSC within her stepfamily, only her husband’s) and people start feeling like taking their own kids in a trip is super controversial and unfair.

There’s also, in this particular case, the obvious fact that it’s not a contact weekend.

I wouldn’t dream of bothering my ex or trying to have DS on his contact weekends with his father. It’s their time together to do what they want to do. I only plan for the time I have him and my ex doesn’t interfere in the time I have him either.

Why on earth should the DSC’s mother give up her time with her children (or swap or whatever) because they have a day trip planned? And why would she want to contribute financially to that? She may well have plans of her own. Or just want to spend the time with her children.

In my opinon that's a terrible suggestion!
Imagine growing up thinking/knowing that your dad would only spend time with you if your older siblings are around.
Also, they're not step siblings. They sh6ate the same dad.

@ExtremelyBoldSquirrels, what you write is correct but totally one directional. Its all about ensuring the residents kids get fairness.

This is right but it goes both ways and sadly, there are many resident parents who will pick their holidays during the weeks they don't have the step-kids, same with days out.

Its really not difficult, it's all about establishing the right balance. Its absurdly fine to go on days out without the step kids when there are also fun days all together AND days when dad only takes his elder out without the youngest.

Yet I've never read a thread when a similar family member offer such a trip to the family when there are not stepchildren.

Maybe because there is no issue of whether the stepchild should be invited or not and they just get on with it, hence no thread about it.

There are no children in my family set up, and my dad paid for us to go on a day out earlier this week. Why would I need to post a thread about it?

Presumably that’s because there just isn’t an issue if there are no DSC
There could other issues that justify a thread, or even it just mentioned from a financial perspective but it never comes about.

I find it odd that a family member would pay for specific tickets for a specific event on a specific day, which made it clear the SCs were not invited rather than giving a sum of money for them to do whatever they want with.

Yet I've never read a thread when a similar family member offer such a trip to the family when there are not stepchildren.

Maybe because there’s no need to post a thread about it as there is no issue of whether the stepchildren should be invited or not as there are no stepchildren to invite. They just get on with it.

There are no stepchildren in my family set up (just me and 4 children) and my dad paid for and took us to go on a day out earlier this week. Why would I need to post a thread about it?

Yet I've never read a thread when a similar family member offer such a trip to the family when there are not stepchildren.

In all fairness, that wouldn’t be the stuff of a very interesting thread.....🤣

@dontdisturbmenow

Presumably that’s because there just isn’t an issue if there are no DSC There could other issues that justify a thread, or even it just mentioned from a financial perspective but it never comes about.

I find it odd that a family member would pay for specific tickets for a specific event on a specific day, which made it clear the SCs were not invited rather than giving a sum of money for them to do whatever they want with.

You do see threads about family member gifts and offers that come with strings attached, or cost too much for the person being offered them. Pretty regularly.

And a family member may well want to offer a day out on a specific day. It might, for example, be a Tuesday trip to the zoo because it’s cheaper on Tuesdays.

I would go and not feel guilty about it. If it was on a day when the stepchildren were supposed to be visiting it would be a different matter but you are entitled to do fun things as a family when they aren’t there just like I’m sure they have lovely days out with their mum that don’t include your children.

Not invite them. You're going on a day out with your little ones, that someone gifted to you, when his kids aren't with you, or due to be with you.

Absolutely nothing wrong with that. I wouldn't have even thought about it.

You can’t always have the sane experiences across both homes, and that’s fine - but I do think you should think sensitively about the bigger treat trips, and when both sets of kids would enjoy them. It also depends on what they do with mum - if they’re getting trips to the zoo (or similar ‘special’ trips) then that’s fine.

However, if they don’t get trips like that with mum, then I think it’s poor of dad to go without them.

If they don’t get trips with dad like this -

Your aunt presumably didn’t call you today and say, “I’ve booked you tickets for the zoo tomorrow at 2pm”. You’ll have discussed the gift and booking day - and that’s when you should have sorted this out.

I don’t think it matters that “you” would be paying, not him. You have two children together - that’s a family unit. He isn’t short of cash because he’s a waster. I wouldn’t even see it as “me” paying.

I’d have done a packed lunch. At zoo prices, there’s £10 towards the 2 other child tickets. I’d have thanked your aunt, and asked to wait a couple of weeks - giving you time to save.

Yet I've never read a thread when a similar family member offer such a trip to the family when there are not stepchildren

Does the same count for grandchildren?

Our GS stayed with us last weekend. We took him to the beach. We didn’t invite our other GC who don’t live with us or GS. We had a lovely day. There was no issue. Other GC will have a day out when they next stay with us, GS will come too if he happens to be here. GS stays with us regularly. Other GC stay for the day every other week. Why would I make a thread about a non story?

Your children and DS children are half siblings OP. They don’t have to be joined at the hip. The older children have probably already visited the zoo anyway. Just go and enjoy the day. Have a day out with SC when you can comfortable afford it.