To need your help to stop being a doormat and get my money back from (cf?) friend

[proudoneday]

Long story short...I had a really good friend when I was younger. She was always a bit funny about money but in her words had grown up poor and I hadn't and so I always put it down to that.

Anyway we lost touch for several years. Fast forward a decade and a bit and I got back in touch with her and we hit it off big time.

She is now married and living in enormous house with consultant doctor husband.

Me and DH we are doing ok, nothing flash but no money worries.

Anyway, friend and I decided on a trip to another European destination we'd live in in our 20s together. Was an emotional trip, bit difficult at times but great experience.

I booked flights, drove to hers then drove us both to airport and parked car there (90 min detour for me to pick her up but I didn't mind).

Booked hire car the other end, paid for an inn when we go there ( sounds cheap but was around 120 quid).

We parked in city centre carpark which was £££ but she said 'don't worry I'm prepared to throw money around for an easy life' but when we came to pay the charge the next day it was all on my account and she didn't offer money.

Didn't even buy me a coffee when were there.

Yes. I know I should have called her out on her cf ery but I just assumed when we got home she'd ask me how much half the trip cost...

Anyway. We got home and a week later she said 'I'm transferring you £100 for the holiday flights'

I said, actually the trip was more than that, just your flight cost more than 100 pounds..

She said 'I'll pay you the rest later"

She's never paid more and I stupidly (yes I know I have no backbone) didn't bring it up.

Anyway she's booked a weekend away for me and her on the coast and asked me for £75 for my half of the air b n b.

Ordinarily I'd pay it but our European trip cost me in the region of £700 and she gave me £100

Rather then being honest and open, you’re playing mind games

Why haven't you asked for the money?

I agree if she was a friend you would tell her why you are turning down the trip . Give her a chance to put things right .

I’d be interested to see what she said, I had a friend like this, we both grew up poor and I went the way of verging on spendthrift where as she was tight AF!

So sad for you OP - you won't dare to see her again now.

But all of this could have been sorted if you had had the balls to ask her to pay up what she owed for your previous holiday!

A poster upthread gave you the ideal wording - honest, forthright and not at all rude.

If she is any friend worth bothering with she would have responded along the lines of, "Crikey - I didn't realise it was that much! You should have said something earlier - what must you think of me? Give me your bank details; I'll transfer the money tomorrow."

(If she ignored your message you truly would have known that you had done your best and she was no friend to you.)

If she messages you to ask why you have said no to the AirB&B holiday, will you tell her about the debt, please?

What the hell.

You started a thread asking for support in getting your money back.
You then reveal that you haven't actually asked for it.
People tell you to ask for it.
You leave.

Sounds like your friend is better off without you, op.

Why have you taken 6 months to tell her what she owes you?

Ridiculous.

Her status and schooling is not relevant. What’s relevant is you just paid for things without stating clearly at the time. It’s now difficult to sort that out. You can’t have the arse if you aren’t being above board. You now need to stop making over emotional statements and be legal about it. You haven’t even told her so why are you ranting about her and being used as a friend? She hasn’t used you if she hasn’t been told clearly. You are avoidant so please just stop. You write a text “hi! Understand I owe £75 for our trip. However, your share of our previous trip is still £250. Please take my £75 out of the money you still owe me thanks” then you wait and see what the response is. Then you can work out more about her intentions etc AFTER she’s been clearly told.

Seriously op. You've come on and written a thread about asking for your money back. Had a ton of replies telling you how to go about it. Most of them very good examples, but have just decided to not go on a trip with her and that's that.
I don't mean this to sound horrible, but it's pathetic. You can be so annoyed about something if you aren't going to do anything about it. Good luck with the rest of your life if you're this much of a pushover.

I have been you and understand what is going on in your mind. Years and years of being walked over and taken advantage of have had its toll on me. I suffer from anger and depression. I will get angry / upset at the smallest thing and look like a complete idiot. Feel free to read my other threads and you will see what I mean. Counselling has helped me realise my anger and sensitivity is due to being a doormat. Look after your mental health and start becoming stronger please x

You’re probably thinking you don’t want to make a fuss and don’t want to come across as rude and only thinking of money - BUT you have been wronged, you are out of pocket and she is not sitting there thinking about your feelings and how you have spent all the money. You need to stick up for yourself, no one else is going to help you!

OP I get it. Somehow I'm thinking you would have went on this new trip and probably forked out more money if you hadn't voiced your irritation. I think then it would have naturally ended the friendship but at least now it's not costing more money you'll not see again.

I've let chunks of money go, it's been worth it to ditch the friend. It's hard to switch from being walked over and standing up for yourself right away. I don't think you'll be in this position again though, everyone has a breaking point.

Practise saying no and don't let anyone owe you money in future. It's much easier.

I think if you're going to lose the friend anyway you might as well ask for the money.

I think if you're going to lose the friend anyway you might as well ask for the money.

If she doesn’t drive and has booked the trip then it would seem that she’s expecting you to pick her up again and ferry her around
The cost of petrol and any parking would then fall to you and would probably be more than the actual air b&b

You’re not going to ask her for the money op? That’s still being a door mat. Why don’t you wish to?

Now it’s you coming across as not only being a doormat (which you seem happy to be anyway) but also rude and not a good friend.

I find it really difficult when friends who have bought things for me when we both have the clear expectation that we're sharing the cost, don't tell me how much I owe. It makes things horribly awkward.
It sounds like your friend has tried to get out of paying, and could have asked how much she owed, but on the other hand you still have not told her. Tell her. She may try to get out of paying but you don't know if you don't communicate honestly with her.