To need your help to stop being a doormat and get my money back from (cf?) friend

[proudoneday]

Long story short...I had a really good friend when I was younger. She was always a bit funny about money but in her words had grown up poor and I hadn't and so I always put it down to that.


Anyway we lost touch for several years. Fast forward a decade and a bit and I got back in touch with her and we hit it off big time.

She is now married and living in enormous house with consultant doctor husband.

Me and DH we are doing ok, nothing flash but no money worries.

Anyway, friend and I decided on a trip to another European destination we'd live in in our 20s together. Was an emotional trip, bit difficult at times but great experience.

I booked flights, drove to hers then drove us both to airport and parked car there (90 min detour for me to pick her up but I didn't mind).

Booked hire car the other end, paid for an inn when we go there ( sounds cheap but was around 120 quid).

We parked in city centre carpark which was £££ but she said 'don't worry I'm prepared to throw money around for an easy life' but when we came to pay the charge the next day it was all on my account and she didn't offer money.

Didn't even buy me a coffee when were there.

Yes. I know I should have called her out on her cf ery but I just assumed when we got home she'd ask me how much half the trip cost...


Anyway. We got home and a week later she said 'I'm transferring you £100 for the holiday flights'

I said, actually the trip was more than that, just your flight cost more than 100 pounds..

She said 'I'll pay you the rest later"


She's never paid more and I stupidly (yes I know I have no backbone) didn't bring it up.

Anyway she's booked a weekend away for me and her on the coast and asked me for £75 for my half of the air b n b.

Ordinarily I'd pay it but our European trip cost me in the region of £700 and she gave me £100

[Winter2020]

Totally agree with the people saying text " you still owe me £300 for our last trip (itemise and nclude car park and petrol) send your bank details. If you don't want to go away with her just say funds don't allow me to go away at the moment and so it will really help for you to pay me what you owe me.

If you are wishy washy and say "I can't afford it" or something without raising what she owes you she will probably say "that's a shame"

[Pinkyyy]

Have you texted her yet then? How many pages of people telling you the same thing do you actually need before you ask her for your money?

[TheHoneyBadger]

Following. Have you messaged op? You’ll honestly feel so much better addressing it than having it running around your head any longer

[ECBC]

OP, you’ve had some great advice here. Are you going to pull her up on it now? It’s one thing realising how badly someone has treated you, but you need to contact her to at least get some closure

[StuffThem]

If you're going to write the friendship off anyway, you have nothing to lose for asking for your money.

I still think she's not entirely unreasonable for not paying considering you haven't even asked her for the money yet.

And yes i would ask for the petrol money for driving for 90 minutes (each way?) to her doorstep.

And if I needed the loo or a drink when we got to hers I'd have blooming well asked.

Why on earth do you think that asking for perfectly reasonable shit is somehow not okay???

[Shoxfordian]

Send her a message
You're not likely to be repaid but at least you've asked and obviously don't go anywhere with her again

[GinGenie]

If really feel for you OP , I crawl up my own arse at the thought of confronting stuff like this (I know, I know)
But this is one of those things that you have to just do, like ripping off a plaster. That's your money and you deserve it back and to not be treated so badly by a "friend".
Don't beat yourself up, just learn from it and move on 🌻

[Silentplikebath]

Why are you so afraid of asking for your money back? What’s the worst that could happen? If she doesn’t speak to you again you’ve probably saved yourself another few quid from dealing with Madame Princess Scrooge-pants.

£250 or £300 is a lot of money to most people. It would be a few weeks food shopping for my family. Don’t let this person get away with their debt until you have at least asked her for payment.

[MargotMoon]

"I don't want to go away with you again because you took the piss last time and owe me money. If you were a proper friend you would have asked how by now much you owe me and arranged to pay it back. Maybe I should have raised this sooner but then again I shouldn't have to, should I?"

[GoodDogBellaBoo]

You will still be annoyed about this in 20 years time and you will still feel like a doormat. End that feeling now and just tell her you need your money back. The end.

[Porridgeoat]

I don’t understand why you haven’t asked for the cash ...

[Sleepingboy]

Me neither.

[FinallyHere]

unless you are going to be willing to insist on her share up front every time.

Hasn't she shown by her actions that she prefers payment upfront ?

I'm with PPs wondering why you are making such a meal of telling her what she owes you. Would you perhaps rather complain about her mistreatment if you than do something to recover.

She clearly has no issue asking for money from you upfront. Why would you hesitate to ask ?

[proudoneday]

Thanks all.

I've been busy all day.

I'm going to take a moment when I get in to go back through what was said re: money at the time on WhatsApp as I'm being asked questions I can't answer until I refresh my memory.

Yes, I've left it and could have confronted it sooner but as I said in my OP her dh is a doctor (nhs) and as a family they've been under a huge amount of stress with covid and it felt petty bringing this up and I guess I thought I should write it off.

And now she's suggested this new trip and is asking me for money that's made things feel different.

[FinallyHere]

Bit of a drip feed there, @proudoneday

Do you mean that you really wanted to canvass opinion of whether this is the right time to ask a family whose breadwinner works in the NHS to pay you money they owe you.

The reason I am replying is that you refer again to 'confronting' the family when we understand from your posts that you have not yet given her a statement of what you are owed from the holiday you took together.

That is not IMO 'confronting' someone, it would be giving them an opportunity to know what they owe you and how to pay you.

Your options remain either

to provide the statement and see what happens, I would in any event apologise for the delay in providing the statement, perhaps add a reference to it not being an ideal time. Her suggestion of another holiday in my view really is your last chance to provide that statement along with your account details and request that she transfer the 50% owed to you.

OR

Just forget the whole thing.

The choice is yours.

I still don't understand why you continue to hesitate. If you decide you can ask, them no amount of posting here is going to mitigate your resentment.

[FinallyHere]

She is now married and living in enormous house with consultant doctor husband.

I did go back to OP, nothing about this being an inappropriate time to tell a doctor's partner/wife what you had paid on her behalf on your holiday.

[Janaih]

I'm starting to think this is a wind up.

[mcmooberry]

Keep it friendly but firm. " Hi friend, need you to pay what you owe from previous trip so £400 minus the £100 you paid so £300 please. Have done a tally up of costs which can ping over if you want to see it. Can't go away again until this is all clear. Mwaaaah". No apologies about bothering her etc etc.
She is a total CF and you may well not get paid but you absolutely have to ask. Pretend you have read this thread, it wasn't about you, and send the message you would advise someone else to send.

[proudoneday]

Thanks all.

I've messaged her to decline the break she's planning. I'm going to leave it there with her (and this thread).

[tanstaafl]

Or a reverse?

[FinallyHere]

Well, that was certainly one to remember when I am tempted to waste time on MN

[Nquartz]

@proudoneday

Thanks all.

I've messaged her to decline the break she's planning. I'm going to leave it there with her (and this thread).

So you didn't ask for your money?!

[LittleDonk]

Why can't you just send her a simple text saying

"Hi mate, just sorting out my budget for the next month; can you transfer over the remaining £250 from the trip in January? Cheers Xx".

[Ellisandra]

The one stress her NHS doctor husband hasn’t been under from Covid, is financial. You haven’t suggested that she’s had financial stress. So she can pony up the money

[Porridgeoat]

Ridiculous. Are you expecting her to be psychic.