To need your help to stop being a doormat and get my money back from (cf?) friend

[proudoneday]

Long story short...I had a really good friend when I was younger. She was always a bit funny about money but in her words had grown up poor and I hadn't and so I always put it down to that.


Anyway we lost touch for several years. Fast forward a decade and a bit and I got back in touch with her and we hit it off big time.

She is now married and living in enormous house with consultant doctor husband.

Me and DH we are doing ok, nothing flash but no money worries.

Anyway, friend and I decided on a trip to another European destination we'd live in in our 20s together. Was an emotional trip, bit difficult at times but great experience.

I booked flights, drove to hers then drove us both to airport and parked car there (90 min detour for me to pick her up but I didn't mind).

Booked hire car the other end, paid for an inn when we go there ( sounds cheap but was around 120 quid).

We parked in city centre carpark which was £££ but she said 'don't worry I'm prepared to throw money around for an easy life' but when we came to pay the charge the next day it was all on my account and she didn't offer money.

Didn't even buy me a coffee when were there.

Yes. I know I should have called her out on her cf ery but I just assumed when we got home she'd ask me how much half the trip cost...


Anyway. We got home and a week later she said 'I'm transferring you £100 for the holiday flights'

I said, actually the trip was more than that, just your flight cost more than 100 pounds..

She said 'I'll pay you the rest later"


She's never paid more and I stupidly (yes I know I have no backbone) didn't bring it up.

Anyway she's booked a weekend away for me and her on the coast and asked me for £75 for my half of the air b n b.

Ordinarily I'd pay it but our European trip cost me in the region of £700 and she gave me £100

[CasuallyMasculine]

I kind of don’t want to call in that debt and offend you

Please don’t send this message. If she didn’t take you for a doormat before, this will definitely confirm it.

[zingally]

"Hi Friend,

Send me over the £300 you still owe me for the Europe trip, and then I'll send you the £75 for AirBNB! Thanks! Looking forward to it!"

Either she sends you the money, or she doesn't.

If she doesn't, chalk up that £300 for the cost of a lesson on being a total doormat. She's taken you for a total mug.

[Andwoooshtheyweregone]

Are you going to try and recoup some of this money?

[proudoneday]

Thanks all and yes I have been a doormat and no I haven't been very good at even working out how much it all cost.

Just to say I do remember she sort of gave me the impression she'd be paying in instalments so maybe she is expecting a bill.

I don't think I want to go away with her again though. None of my other friends would spend somebody else's money like this and then pretend to forget all about it.

There's other stuff going on I think.

And yes thanks for the advice I'm going to reply saying I've only just got round to working out how much the Europe trip cost and that I'll need the rest back.

[proudoneday]

Re: the carpark we got to the machine next day and I fully expected her to pull out her card and pay but she didn't and I stupidly just paid it - she was acting as though the carpark has nothing to do with her, literally as though she had never made the comment about throwing money at it.

Yes I should have said something right there in the carpark. I realise that now but at the time I was giving her the benefit of the doubt.

I feel cross about the whole thing now tbh. I drove 90 mins across London to drop her home after and she didn't even invite me in for a cup of tea or use the toilet or anything just waved me off on the drive.

Like I say it's not so much the money more the realisation that I allowed her to treat me like her chauffeur and that I obviously don't mean much to her.

[Alpacamabags]

You need to message her and be very clear.
Hi. Holiday sounds like a lovely idea but I'm not in the position to pay for that just now. Our last trip cost x amount in total and I am still waiting on y amount from that.
Can we please clear that before spending any more money!

[Ellisandra]

You’re not a fucking bank!!!!
Even without the non payment, explain to me why you would ever have accepted payment in instalments from some with high family income?
You’re not a loan company, that makes no sense.

Her flight should have been paid for before take off.

[Ellisandra]

I disagree with all the “please” and “lovely idea” suggestions. I’m right with those who said, reply, “you’re having a fucking laugh.”

You’re not going to see that money again whatever you say - so no point dancing around it.

This £75 request has shown you that she hasn’t not repaid because of mythical instalments, or forgetfulness, or you not sending her the total yet. Reality has hit you in the face.

Go with the reply that starts, “you’re having a laugh...”

[BubblegumFactory]

Hi friend. Before we start talking any future trips, you still owe me £250 for the last one. Here’s my bank details, can you text me when you’ve transferred money please? Ta! Speak soon x

[TaleOfTheContinents]

I wouldn't include petrol and £15 worth of coffee/cake for a friend. I think that picking up a friend and buying them a drink is something that falls within the normal realms of friendship.

The rest you should definitely itemise and send to her. She's clearly taking the piss because there's no way she thinks that a European getaway costs £100pp.

[Wishimaywishimight]

Why on earth were you buying her food because you were worried she hadn't eaten?? She's an adult, if she needed to eat she could have dealt with that herself, you're not her mother!

Ant why would she need to pay in instalments, you say she is well off now?

And stop driving miles to pick her up and drop her off. She can get taxis or public transport. You're looking after her like she's a child.

All sounds a bit bonkers. You need to stop being so passive and woolly about things. She knows damn well she didn't pay her way but reckons she's gotten away with it.

[proudoneday]

Thanks, I wasn't going to include the petrol for getting her or the coffee money, more using those to illustrate that she didn't even shout me a coffee when we were away.

The petrol I purchased for the hire car to get us across the European country I do expect some money for. Ditto the carpark. I never take petrol money from anyone for my car as that's my choice to give people lifts.

But a hire car that I don't own, that I have to fill up to get the two of us where we're going I don't see should be my expense.

[Sleepingboy]

If you haven't asked her for the money then why are you complaining?! Just tell her what she owes you! Crikey, why are you being so coy and dopey about it all?

[Binny36]

I also need help with stop being a doormat. Reading with interest

[Binny36]

Just read it properly now I would text her and say she owes you X amount. I also struggle with CF and end up convincing myself that I’m the cf and the person has not done wrong! (Maybe I should start a thread). Do NOT back down, put all that uncomfortable feeling to one side and do it now! Please let me know how it goes as I’m working on sane issues so will help me get more confident too x

[Binny36]

Same not sane! Goodluck

[OlivetheTree]

I have a friend who let me book everything and getting the money out of her was very difficult because she was so 'forgetful'.

I never book anything for us now, I would rather not do things with her than feel like a doormat. I would pull out of yout AirBnB trip.

I am interested in your comment


Just this one there was so much shared history (it's very complicated) and I trusted her and let her back into my life

It suggests this friendship was never a straightforward one. Better friends are round the corner if you don't waste your on people who don't respect you.

[TSSDNCOP]

I'm not coming.

Short, to the point and unequivocal.

But I'm afraid you lose points for using the line "call her out".

[Greenpolkadot]

Just tell her you can't afford it as your still low on funds after your last trip together

[OldEvilOwl]

Everyone is telling you to ask her for the money but you keep replying about everything else instead. You keep avoiding the issue, and she's obviously not going to offer!
You had the chance to say something when she gave you the £100, but you said nothing!
Just ask for it!

[P999]

OP, are you going to ask her for the money? Or continue fuming? I guarantee you'll feel better as soon as you send the message. Not sure what you're waiting for? Unanimous posts here. Are you still in doubt or do you just feel uncomfortable?

[honeylulu]

She is a CF but you have been astonishingly passive. You have mentioned a very complicated history so there is probably a lot to unpick.

You should crack straight on with addressing the debt. Acknowledge your part in the delay in totting up the cost of the holiday and refer specifically to the fact that she did say (when she transferred the 100 and you told her it would be more) that she knew she would have to make a further payment. Tell her the breakdown, what she owes and that you are happy for her to deduct the 75 but you do need her to pay the rest by x date.

Her response will enable you to decide what to do about the forthcoming trip, and hopefully the friendship.

If it seems the friendship might be worth salvaging (I wouldn't bother personally) you need to work out what has happened. Possibly:

1. Chippy about having "grown up poor" and thinks others ought to pay to compensate her - bin - unlikely to change.
2. Genuinely forgetful and/or now used to others (rich husband) paying so thoughtless rather than deliberate - possibly ok but needs a tight rein.
3. Feels superior to you and that you should be paying for her time/friendship - bin - this won't ever be the friendship you are hoping for.
4. Naturally frugal - bin unless you are going to be willing to insist on her share up front every time.

[UpCountryBagLady]

The longer you leave it to tell her how much she owes, the less likely she’ll pay up.

With discussion about this new trip, it’s easy to say now, “you still owe me £x”.

Don’t be as wet as a can of piss, just ask for her to pay you back.

[Porridgeoat]

you have a responsibility to tell her the exact amount she owes so that she has the opportunity to cough up. She might be waiting for you to tell her amount she owes while you’re waiting for her to ask how much she owes.

Give her the chance to cough up by telling her how much she owes. Depending on her response you can decide the next step, wether or not the friendship is doomed. If she was bought up in poverty there is a chance she has some issues around finances, however a friend would want to do the fair thing.

[HollowTalk]

Come on, OP, we are all rooting for you. Send her a message today listing all the expenses and telling her how much she owes you. Don't discuss a new holiday until the previous one has been paid for. And then tell her to fuck off.

She's clearly not broke - she's got more money than you have - and £300+ of it is your money.