To need your help to stop being a doormat and get my money back from (cf?) friend

[proudoneday]

Long story short...I had a really good friend when I was younger. She was always a bit funny about money but in her words had grown up poor and I hadn't and so I always put it down to that.


Anyway we lost touch for several years. Fast forward a decade and a bit and I got back in touch with her and we hit it off big time.

She is now married and living in enormous house with consultant doctor husband.

Me and DH we are doing ok, nothing flash but no money worries.

Anyway, friend and I decided on a trip to another European destination we'd live in in our 20s together. Was an emotional trip, bit difficult at times but great experience.

I booked flights, drove to hers then drove us both to airport and parked car there (90 min detour for me to pick her up but I didn't mind).

Booked hire car the other end, paid for an inn when we go there ( sounds cheap but was around 120 quid).

We parked in city centre carpark which was £££ but she said 'don't worry I'm prepared to throw money around for an easy life' but when we came to pay the charge the next day it was all on my account and she didn't offer money.

Didn't even buy me a coffee when were there.

Yes. I know I should have called her out on her cf ery but I just assumed when we got home she'd ask me how much half the trip cost...


Anyway. We got home and a week later she said 'I'm transferring you £100 for the holiday flights'

I said, actually the trip was more than that, just your flight cost more than 100 pounds..

She said 'I'll pay you the rest later"


She's never paid more and I stupidly (yes I know I have no backbone) didn't bring it up.

Anyway she's booked a weekend away for me and her on the coast and asked me for £75 for my half of the air b n b.

Ordinarily I'd pay it but our European trip cost me in the region of £700 and she gave me £100

[Chickychickydodah]

I would refuse to do any trips with her until she pays up, if she gets shirty the tell her to f*ck off. If she doesn’t pay you then she is not a friend.

[Minniee]

Just say haha you had me for a minute there! If I take £75 off the money for Europe that leaves x still owed to me. Here's my bank details if you've not still got them, thanks

[PanamaPattie]

She is not your friend. As you said, she has "grown up poor" and for some people - that never leaves them. Tell her you want the money she owes you. I don't expect her to pay you back. At least you will definitely know that she isn't your bestie.

[Hwory]

'Hi CF

I'm a bit confused of why you're asking me for £x when you still owe me £y from our trip to abc. Obviously with CV I haven't chased it up but if you can get £x-y to me please so we're square before out next trip thanks '

I'm not the best at communicating but that's what I would say.

[FreddoFrogAddict]

It's a shame but she's no friend. Yes you have shared history but apart from that what? She is fully aware that she owes you money, but she thinks she's got away with it. I would say, Thanks for booking the accommodation. Please take the £75 out of the £250 you owe me for the last trip. Cheers.

[gamerchick]

Seriously OP, come on. Send her the message that you know needs to be sent. Do not fork out 75 quid that you know will turn into more than that in the end.

[proudoneday]

Thank you.

You've all just really clarified that she is not a friend.

I could have left her at the airport when we got back and instead I drove 60 mile out of our way to drop her at her front door.

I wanted to, at the time, but now I realise I was being a massive doormat to do that (also had to pay congestion charge to drop her home and again that came out of my pocket)

But this is not a thread about her. It's a thread about me putting up with poor behaviour that I no longer will, regardless of whether it's in the name of age old friendship.

So thank you

[DisobedientHamster]

@proudoneday

I'm just lost by the whole thing. She is very status driven, five year old D.C. in prestigious private school.

But wriggling out of squaring things with her bestie. Trip was pre covid before anyone asks. January. It's not that.

She's a user. There, now you are found. She's always been one, hence why now you're realising all the coffees and such you've been fronting her. People like this truly believe they are fundamentally more important. They have a vast sense of entitlement. And are not good friends.

She's not a friend.

'Dear X, you still owe me £Y amount for your share of the trip in January. I need this money back. Here are my details for you to transfer these funds.xOP'

This is how you have to deal with a person like this. You can't nicey nice round them because they don't care about anyone but themselves.

[Haretodaygonetomorrow]

Growing up poor isn’t an excuse to screw your friends over. If anything, she should appreciate the importance of paying people what she owes them. Sorry OP but she just sounds like a user. Anyone with an ounce of decency would be too embarrassed to behave as she has.

[DisobedientHamster]

Get the money back first. Then dump her. Pull out of the trip. 'Won't be able to make the weekend anymore. x'

[alexdgr8]

yes, don't break off before you get your money.
do you have her husband's email.
how about send the demand to him, accidentally on purpose.
does he know she's like this.
if she has no shame, maybe he does.

[FrangipaniBlue]

I would just text her saying something like:

"Oh god sorry, I thought seeing as I paid for the last trip you were paying for this one!!!"

Tinkly laugh

[Porridgeoat]

Just be really open but kind


Hi friend, the last trip was 700 in total (100 fight, x hotel, x petrol, x parking) so 350 each. You’ve given me 100 so far, so still owe 150. If you pay for the x and x on our next trip we should be even though

[Atthebottomofthegarden]

Did you tell her how much the trip cost and how much she owed you?

[proudoneday]

Thanks all.


I've just had the guts to tot it all up and for the two of us fights were 409 quid, hotel 120, car hire 100, airport parking 60 and I'm almost at my 700 before I think of factoring in petrol (in my car and the hire care), the heinously expensive city centre 24 hour carpark (let alone the 15 quid I spunked on coffee and food as I was worried she has don't eaten) I'm a dick.

Lesson learned.

[Ladywinesalot]

Why did you not ask for the money before you went?!!
That’s not how it works...

[proudoneday]

What's bothering me most is me not knowing where to park and us pulling into expensive city carpark and me saying 'i don't think we can park here for the weekend look how expensive it is'

And her replying 'I am more than happy to throw money at parking here for the convenience' ok, I thought, we'll split the 39 quid bill.

But no. She was more than happy for ME to throw money at it. Then pretend we'd never had that conversation.

And yes , I am and was a doormat. Dickhead me :(

[Thehop]

“Oh hi! Well you still owe me £300 from our trip so do you want to knock it off that? Here are my bank details for the rest....”

[Mothership4two]

I know people like your friend and you will always end up paying the bulk. Hope your message to her proves me wrong!

[Phossy]

OP, in the nicest possible way, you’re doing something that comes up again and again on threads on Mn by people who call themselves ‘people pleasers’ or ‘doormats’ — you say it’s not about the money, it’s that she didn’t ‘treat you as a friend’, as though you abasing yourself should win you extra friendship points. It doesn’t.

It’s easy to point a finger at her entitled behaviour, but take responsibility for your own, too — you chose to spend the trip behaving like her combined butler, driver, mummy, PA, quite apart from the cash. This made you pretty much invisible to your ‘friend’, as though you were a service provider, not an equal partner on the trip — which is what ‘people-pleasing’ produces, and why people pleasers always cry ‘But I was so good to her! But she used me!’ when they get nothing back.

[RandomMess]

I would reply with, just totting up Europe trip, it came to £825 so after the £100 you transferred you still owe me £312.

The list the costs per item...

I suspect you will never hear from her again tbh but at least you'll have said your bit!

[Lollypop4]

Tell her straight she owea you in the region of £350 & you would like that back before going ahead with any other trips, state that you have all statements to proove if needed and sorry youve not reminded and you expected her to realise this and pay up

[dizzyprincess]

This is very odd behaviour, from both of you.

She should have asked before the trip how much things were and you should have told her.

There is no way I would’ve gone on a trip with a friend without asking them how much they had spent and how much it was going to cost.

And I would have asked her for the money in advance if I was doing the booking.

Send her the itemised list now.

[dizzyprincess]

Include the petrol and parking costs.

[Cherrysoup]

Send her this and give her your bank details along with a deadline. Do not go on any more trips with her.
two of us fights were 409 quid, hotel 120, car hire 100, airport parking 60 and I'm almost at my 700 before I think of factoring in petrol (in my car and the hire care), the heinously expensive city centre 24 hour carpark (let alone the 15 quid I spunked on coffee and food