"Starting a family"

[Whenthemoonhitsyoureye]

I think that this phrase isn't very well thought out at all. To insinuate that one can only gain a family once they have kids is a huge oversight, and could also can be offensive or frustrating to those who can't or don't want kids.

• Someone's idea of a family might involve:

• Four kids; amazing!

-Their partner and 2 cats; also a fabulous idea.

• A single person, content with their immediate family; Great, go for it.

AIBU to think that people should think twice before using this phrase in everyday conversation?

[Whenthemoonhitsyoureye]

I did a Google. This was the top result:

The Census Bureau's definition of "family" remains traditional: "A family is a group of two people or more (one of whom is the householder) related by birth, marriage, or adoption and residing together." ... Ninety-two percent said that a husband and wife without the kids made a family.

[Jennifer2r]

Yes I feel upset by this. I have a family, I have a mum I live close to and see every day, and a dad that I love and see frequently, and two brothers and various nephews and nieces.

I hate the insinuation that I don't have a family of my own.

[Mylittlepony374]

What @heartsonacake said.

[Gwenhwyfar]

@ARoseInHarlem

How can a family be one person

I don't think she said one person, she said the single's person has a family i.e. parents and siblings.

A married couple is also a family and are related by marriage (or similar relationship in the case of cohabiting).

[70isaLimitNotaTarget]

just "Have kids" will do!

Ah , see I don't like the term 'kids' but my DC are adults so not 'chidren'

The phrase In the Family Way ( coy euphemism for 'pregnant' is a wince maker though )

[Whenthemoonhitsyoureye]

@AlexisCarringtonColbyDexter I am doing the opposite. My opinion is simply that there are many different types of family, and one person's family can exist with or without children!

[BayLeaves]

A couple with pets is not a family, it's a couple... with pets. Why pretend to be something you're not, there's no shame in 'just' being a couple.

[Bunnymumy]

I agree pp.

I don't want kids. I have a family consisting of my parents ect... and if I get a partner, he will be my family. Or heck, even a bunch of pets.

'Starting a family' referring to having kids implies that you need kids to have a family unit.

In the grand scheme of things it isn't a big deal. But you could argue it's a micro part of the overall societal brainwashing, that kids are some sort of imperative end goal or necessity to living a 'complete' life.

[Whenthemoonhitsyoureye]

@Jennifer2r Thank you. You do have a family of your own in my opinion, just as I have mine.

[Weekends]

I agree that 'starting a family' isn't as bad as assuming a single person/couple aren't part of a family (shame you haven't got a family of your own type thing).

But I think the OP was just questioning it, not being outraged by it. I think tweaks are made to everyday language all the time, over the years. I think it's often for the better. Not always, but nothing wrong with questioning what we do.

[AlexisCarringtonColbyDexter]

I still dont get why its so offensive. I started a family when I had kids with my husband. That doesnt mean I didnt have a family before, it means I started a new branch of the family, which is accurate- my own family, my own nuclear unit. I started that. If I hadn't had kids I wouldnt have "started" a family, I would be a couple with my husband and my parents would be my existing family.

[Whenthemoonhitsyoureye]

@Weekends Thank you. I'm not outraged, I've just become more aware of the question as I've got older. I have one ovary and PCOS so my chances of conceiving are very low, but luckily having children have never appealed to me anyway. I'm sad to think so many people don't view me and my partner (and our families) as enough, hence the questioning of the phrase tonight.

[RedRec]

YABU. Would you prefer 'starting a nuclear family'? Because that is what it means, really. All semantics, and nothing I could ever get het up about.

[LolaSmiles]

Having family and starting a family are different.

When I was single, I had family. Those family members are still my family. Same for DH and his family.

When DH and I had DC we have started our family and are forming a family unit that didn't exist before.

It's a bit rude and awkward for people to ask when people plan to have children because it's intrusive and none of their business,but being offended by the phrase 'starting a family' is looking for offence for no reason.

[WorraLiberty]

[quote Whenthemoonhitsyoureye]@AnneLovesGilbert just "Have kids" will do![/quote]
Isn't that offensive to goats?

[OnlyFoolsnMothers]

Agree with LolaSmiles 100%

[JustCurious2]

YABU

[Whenthemoonhitsyoureye]

@lolasmiles Thanks for this. Perhaps it's more of a context thing to me. I think the phrase "Starting a family" often makes existing family feel a bit disregarded, as if live doesn't begin until you get pregnant. I've had this phrase preceded with "settle down". I can settle down without kids (If I actually want to settle, that is!)

[sammylady37]

Where I live, “have you family yourself?” is how they ask if you have children. Each time, I smile brightly and say “yes, I do”. When I get the inevitable “how many have you?” I reply “well, one surviving parent and 7 siblings for starters”. Some people get my point, others don’t but it amuses me to make the point anyway.

[SunshineCake]

I didn't have a family so yes, YABU to say I wasn't starting one when I had my children. Cute as it felt at the time that my cat was my child they really weren't. My family started when I has my children.

[Zilla1]

So PPs think a couple can't be a family. If the couple have a child then the child passes, were they a family then stopped. Perhaps the funeral could come with a de-family-ing service too.

[MadCattery]

Once upon a time, people chose their own wording and used that. When they heard others use terms they thought were old-fashioned, out of date or just didn't care for them, they would politely overlook it, continue to use their own phrasing and not judge others. I personally hear both older people and younger people use words and phrases that I would not. As long as we can communicate, I figure to each his own.

[jessstan2]

I don't see why it matters or why it is at al offensive. When people have children they are starting their own family, it is just a fact. Those who don't are usually part of an extended family. Some have no family and that doesn't mean they don't have a good life. Others don't care either way. Everyone is different and life can be fulfilling whatever path is trodden.

We can't spend our lives being offended over commonplace expressions that are not meant to be offensive.

[wildone84]

@heartsonacake

Also, as others have pointed out, the definition of family is the group of people who share common ancestors.

So no, a couple on their own or someone and their pet is not a family.

Pets are definitely family, in my book.

[73kittycat73]

Can I just say, pets can absolutely be part of a family.