"Starting a family"

[Whenthemoonhitsyoureye]

I think that this phrase isn't very well thought out at all. To insinuate that one can only gain a family once they have kids is a huge oversight, and could also can be offensive or frustrating to those who can't or don't want kids.

• Someone's idea of a family might involve:

• Four kids; amazing!

-Their partner and 2 cats; also a fabulous idea.

• A single person, content with their immediate family; Great, go for it.

AIBU to think that people should think twice before using this phrase in everyday conversation?

[peasaregood]

christ, some people can get offended about anything, can't they

[OwlBeThere]

I’ve never said that in my life but it’s not offensive.

[70isaLimitNotaTarget]

Can I just say, pets can absolutely be part of a family

100%
I know Fur Babies isn't alllowed on MN but Hell the cats are my Good Children !

[Whenthemoonhitsyoureye]

+1 for pets!

[BobFleming]

Thinking about how we refer to our neighbours.

We have a couple on one side and a family on the other (a couple with a child).

[CasuallyFeminine]

People have the right to their own perceptions of "family" and the right to describe it as they wish. As mature adults, I'm sure we can understand and refrain from taking self-indulgent offence at perfectly normal turns of phrase...

[BikerWife]

YANBU

[Jennifer2r]

"As mature adults" I'm sure we could hear when things are upsetting for others and choose a different turn of phrase.

[Whenthemoonhitsyoureye]

@CasuallyFeminine A little bit of debate doesn't hurt anyone. I'm not angry or enraged, just flagging up a topic which I feel is relevant for discussion. No problem if you don't agree with me.

[Zilla1]

As mature adults, I'm sure we can understand and refrain from GIVING self-indulgent offence too.

[OnlyFoolsnMothers]

Do people consider ex husbands their family? It’s an interesting debate, because I guess imo family is a bond for life- believe me I have cousins I can’t stand and don’t speak to but there’s something in my mind telling me they are family, that cannot be changed and we have a bond, (unless they did something truly awful). I’m not sure I’d have that same opinion of DH if we split up.

[MaxNormal]

I have cousins I haven't seen for decades. I feel no family bond there whatever.

[PumpkinP]

No I don’t class my ex as family but we weren’t married but do have kids together definitely don’t see him as MY family, I guess it might feel differently if you get on and are amicable?

[LillianBland]

@peasaregood

christ, some people can get offended about anything, can't they

I find that comment very offensive!

stomps off

[oohyoudevilyou]

I find "starting a family" twee and irritating, much like "courting" and the even more cringy "settling down". I have lots of elderly relatives though, so these phrases are rife at family gatherings

[SerenDippitty]

I wasn't able to have children. But I have my DH, my DB, an SIL and a nephew. I still consider myself part of a family.

Tell me if I'm wrong.

[Pumpertrumper]

To me ‘family’ means blood relation.
So technically no, getting married or pets isn’t a family. You belong to a family if you having living blood relations and you ‘start’ a family by having a child. (Except those who are adopted of course, this still applies to them just ignore the blood part)

[NeutrinoWrangler]

I know what you mean, OP. I don't really love the phrase, either, tbh.

I've heard people say that two people are a couple, and you're only a family if you have children. That seems a bit pedantic and needlessly restrictive. As for concerns over "policing language", if it's okay to police every other little thing including so much language why draw the line here?

I wouldn't say anything about it to anyone using the phrase, but I can see how it might hurt some people who haven't been able to have children. It's not pleasant to feel that your "family" isn't considered important or valid enough to even be called a family!

[leftovercoffeecake]

I agree OP. It fuels the narrative your life isn’t complete unless you have children. I don’t hear the phrase and think ‘omg I’m soooo offended’, I just think it’s quite clumsy.

People should never ask others when they’re planning on ‘starting a family’, it’s annoying, rude and very insensitive because you don’t know what people are going through.

Also it’s narrow minded to say pets aren’t family. My cat is very much family to me and I prefer him to many of my blood relatives!

[PositivelyPrecious]

@Pumpertrumper So to summarise your post. Family is only blood relations but family is also non blood relations.

So family is not only blood relations then.....

[sst1234]

Oh no, not another permanently offended person wanting to change the language.

[Pumpertrumper]

The bond a parent has with an adopted child is the same as say, married adults?

I put the clause of ‘this includes adopted children also’ as it would be very wrong and dismissive to exclude them. Children are very different to legally binding yourself to another adult! Lets consider divorce rates vs emancipation. There is no argument to be had that your DH/DW is much more likely to leave you than your child so it is a more stable ‘family’ basis.

I have a DH and a DS, having had DS I realise I can love on a whole other level than I thought possible before and my relationship with DH has also changed as we now share a person that we made. (Although I’m sure this is different with a less active/involved co parent I’m sure some semblance still applies.)

The only people I’ve ever seen argue that being married without kids is the same as being married with kids are people without kids. Nobody is saying you don’t love your partner, nobody is saying your life isn’t completely happy and fulfilled... but we are saying ‘you don’t understand what it feels like to have children so please don’t dismiss it and claim it’s exactly the same as how you love your two cats’

[UnaCorda]

@OddBoots

Is family hierarchically above couple or individual then?

Judging by the number of times the government used to bang on about "hard-working families", you'd be forgiven for thinking so.

I think there are a lot of ill-thought-out expressions bandied about that can be hurtful or upsetting to people who are unintentionally single or childless but most of the time you just have to ignore it.

[PositivelyPrecious]

Why are you so insecure @Pumpertrumper that you can’t stand a couple without kids saying they are a family?

And of course people without children are the ones who argue this.

You have essentially just told me, a woman struggling with infertility who may never have children, that I can’t count my loving husband and pet as me having a family. I’m not allowed to have a family or tell people yes I have a family.

If you can’t see how horrible saying that to me makes you then god help your poor son growing up with such a unfeeling mother. I sincerely hope your poor child and his future wife are able to have children otherwise they will have to enjoy you telling them they aren’t a family and haven’t experienced true love like you have and never will and dismissing any love they feel for a pet who has given them an outlet for the love they have to give.

And the grinning face too. You are so cruel.

What does it hurt you if I consider myself to have a family. Myself and my DH share a surname, a house, a pet. How are we not a family?

[Pumpertrumper]

@PositivelyPrecious

Everything I’ve said is in defence of people having children being ‘allowed’ to use the phrase without being labelled cringy or offensive. Im not trying to stop others using the phrase. Be a family with your DH and pet that’s fine. Trying to say you’re exactly the same ‘family’ as DS and I, I find hard as I personally wouldn’t pass comment on something I haven’t experienced.

I simply explained why it’s a logical phrase, why ‘starting a family’ would make a lot of sense when referring to having children and obviously it does because it’s a massively used and widely accepted term for procreating. If you felt my defence of this was an attack on your personal circumstances I apologise.

My issue is that, as per usual, people with children aren’t the ones complaining ‘well she said it about getting a cat and that doesn’t count!’ It’s people without children doing the whole ‘they said they’re ‘starting a family’ and I find that offensive because I’m a family with my cat!’

Just live and let live! Call yourself whatever you want be whatever family you want but don’t get pissy when a young pregnant couple say ‘we’re starting a family’ they aren’t saying it to be offensive.