to think they think I'm gay?

[ohgoshreally]

I am straight.

Apparently I have given off a gay vibe, but today when I asked someone out for coffee as a non committal event for the future, they said 'I'm sorry, I actually am straight.' This was a lady I met at an online networking event and we had so much in common and had great conversations.

Why would you jump to the conclusion that it's a date? I am really enthusiastic and engaging but don't feel this could be confused for flirting. I also look feminine enough, don't feel I look like a lesbian.

This is the first time this has happened but not the first time a professional women has acted weird when I invited them out for a coffee. I have picked up on another lady kept mentioning here husband after I asked her out for a coffee as if to make a point.

How can I ask another professional woman with similar intersets out for coffee without coming across as asking them on a date?

[Evelefteden]

I don’t know, maybe You need to think about personal space or too much eye contact as I just wouldn’t think a female colleague was coming on to me because she asked if I fancied going for a coffee.

[namechange30000]

Coffee means date? I've never heard that before

[OhCaptain]

I didn’t see where OP said they were already friends? Or that they’d talked before.

[AnneOfQueenSables]

I think it's the phrasing you're using. The examples you gave implied going for a coffee was an escalation rather than a continuation. If you said, 'This was interesting. I've got to go now but do you want to catch up to chat about this again?' You're checking in that they also found it interesting/fun and you're opening it up for both of you to discuss whether you go for coffee or lunch. It's more informal.

[SerenityNowwwww]

Are you winking when you say it?

So...Would you like to come for a 😉 coffee 😉 😉? Or We should grab a coffee sometime!

[Staffy1]

@OhCaptain

I didn’t see where OP said they were already friends? Or that they’d talked before.

This was a lady I met at an online networking event and we had so much in common and had great conversations.

I was assuming that they had talked a few times as it says conversations (plural) and seemed to know they had a lot in common, but could be wrong. Either way, it seems strange to me for someone to immediately assume coffee would mean a date, unless they were both on a dating site.

[SuckingDieselFella]

@Gwenhwyfar

"You've never been invited for a coffee when it isn't just a coffee?

Weird."

More weird if you've never been invited for a coffee when it WAS just coffee. I go for coffee (actually hot choc or tea) with friends all the time when it's not lockdown. It's completely normal!

Usually it is just coffee.

Obviously there's something about the way the OP invites people that makes it sound like a date.

That's the whole point of the thread.

Online daters go for a coffee if they have lots of dates lined up and don't want to invest in a meal. A friend of mine did it and had numerous coffee dates before she met 'the one'.

[Abitouting]

Coffee does not mean date.

[MagnoliaJustice]

This was a lady I met at an online networking event

So you hadn't actually met her in person? That might explain why she misunderstood and thought you were asking her out. Why didn't you just say 'I'm straight too, I'm just interested in talking to you more about whatever subject over a cuppa?'

[Butteredtoast55]

Do you think there’s a difference between ‘go out for coffee’ and ‘meet up for a coffee’? If not then I’ve inadvertently been both making sexual overtures and leading people on!

[SuckingDieselFella]

@Abitouting

Coffee does not mean date.

Not always, but it CAN mean date.

It has had this meaning since Jonathan Swift went to London coffee houses in the 18th century.

[MorganKitten]

I also look feminine enough, don't feel I look like a lesbian.

Wtf?

[Judystilldreamsofhorses]

This week I have been asked for coffee by two men. One is gay, and a former student, the other works for a PR company, and I am a lecturer in PR. I am straight and have lived with my male DP for ten years.

I didn’t think either was asking me on a date, and agreed to meet both. (One was yesterday - we had lovely coffee, and a walk!)

[perkybutfull]

You're all getting so offended by the 'look like a lesbian' comment but in my experience you can quite often tell if someone is gay from their appearance. Not always but fairly often.

[Mnhealth202020]

Just like hetero dating, it’s the vibe you’re giving off. For example 2 male colleagues could ask a female colleague to get a coffee, she may feel like it’s a date with one, and just lunch with a pal/colleague with the other guy. It’s the person, not the coffee offer, that makes it seem like a date.

I go for lunch with colleagues all the time (pre-COVID). Male and female, from coffee shops to restaurants to getting takeout and sitting together outside or in the canteen together. No one thought it was an actual date!

There’s something that you’re doing that makes her feel like you’re interested in her in a dating way. It’s not necessarily your appearance.

[SecretSpAD]

What are some of you doing with your coffee to make it sexual?!

That's what I'd like to know.

I've met loads of people for coffee and never got hit on chatted up of dreamed for a moment it was a date.

I think I do coffee wrongly

[Spinakker]

This thread is making me laugh. I regularly ask people for a coffee and hope I'm not giving off a "vibe" now ! Never knew it was a code for a date.

[firstmentat]

I'd be probably wary if someone I just met / even met several times asked to have a coffee together due to us having much in common. Maybe because I do not usually volunteer enough info about myself for a stranger to decide that. Not necessarily would I assume explicit sexual interest, but rather some bunny boiling issues.

[Mnhealth202020]

I can only assume that the people who weirdly think “coffee=date” don’t have many friends or lack a social life.

Yes, I have been asked to get coffee as a date before. But as I have so many past instances of getting a “coffee” or “drink” platonically with a friend/colleague, I don’t associate the act as immediately being a date. It’s not like the only people sat in costa/pret are those on dates, is it? It is okay to spend time with people who you aren’t dating, you know.

[Hiccupiscal]

Op, how do you respond when it is assumed you asked women on a date...

A laugh, "omg, sorry, im straight. I didnt mean a date!, did I come across that way?....no, no... i meant just because Im really interested in knowing more about X Y Z"

..how do they then respond? Does anyone follow up, accept the coffee, once i assume you have set it straight? (No pun)

[NudgeUnit]

It’s not like the only people sat in costa/pret are those on dates, is it?

Most of the people drinking coffee in Costa are drug dealers, aren't they?

(I mean, it can't be for the coffee...)

[underneaththeash]

Ooh interesting. Maybe you were too keen? I suppose if I'd asked a work colleague for a coffee it would have been meeting number 2 or 3. Maybe just ask for a number first and say you'll arrange something.

[Gwenhwyfar]

"Usually it is just coffee.

Obviously there's something about the way the OP invites people that makes it sound like a date.

That's the whole point of the thread."

Yes, but some people here are saying that going for coffee with someone means you're on a date, which is just SO wrong it's ridiculous.

[4cats2kids]

Coffee is a date?

Every time I drink coffee I need a poo. Maybe I’m not one of nature’s romantics!

[Crosswithlifeatm]

Why didn't you just say that I m straight too,I was just asking if you fancied a coffee not me.