to think they think I'm gay?

[ohgoshreally]

I am straight.

Apparently I have given off a gay vibe, but today when I asked someone out for coffee as a non committal event for the future, they said 'I'm sorry, I actually am straight.' This was a lady I met at an online networking event and we had so much in common and had great conversations.

Why would you jump to the conclusion that it's a date? I am really enthusiastic and engaging but don't feel this could be confused for flirting. I also look feminine enough, don't feel I look like a lesbian.

This is the first time this has happened but not the first time a professional women has acted weird when I invited them out for a coffee. I have picked up on another lady kept mentioning here husband after I asked her out for a coffee as if to make a point.

How can I ask another professional woman with similar intersets out for coffee without coming across as asking them on a date?

[Gwenhwyfar]

@Sertchgi123

The lesbians I know look very feminine.

The ones I know don't, in the main.

[SuckingDieselFella]

[quote Linning]@SuckingDieselFella

How strange!

What constitutes a non-sexual activity with a man/woman for you?
What activity should OP ask people out on that would not be constituted as a date? Any activity could be a date if you make it one, do you genuinely never grab coffee without feeling you are being sexual? Weird.

Might have to text all my friends back to tell them the times I have had coffee with them should not be misconstrued as me being sexual and/or interested.[/quote]
You've never been invited for a coffee when it isn't just a coffee?

Weird.

[Staffy1]

After a first baby massage group for new-mums (where we learnt how to massage our very new babies in case anyone's wondering), one of the mums asked if we would all like to go for coffee straight after the group. That must have been the equivalent of an orgy if coffee is so sexual.

[StuffThem]

I'm a total coffee-holic but even the very best flat white is in no way sexual 🤣

[Evelefteden]

Ive asked quite a few new school mums if they wanted to grab a coffee and they accepted. Maybe they thought we were going to embark on an affair

I’d find being asked to go for a coffee on date so dull!

[AnnieMaul]

@Gwenhwyfar
So you never go for a coffee with friends then???

I don't, no. But I don't drink coffee, so that's probably why

As they're already my friends though, i'd know it wasn't a date if coffee was suggested. To a stranger, depending on how the line is delivered, it's very easy to see (to me at least) how the person being asked may have assumed it was a request for a date.

[Gwenhwyfar]

"it's what online daters do for an initial meet."

Yes, they do it for an initial meet because it's less of a 'big date' than going for dinner.
Go into any cafe and it will be full of people with no sexual interest in each other having coffee or tea together.
Is tea sexual for you as well by the way?

[OhCaptain]

If someone you’d only met had been really attentive and then asked you out for coffee (OP’s own words) then I think it would be a fair enough assumption that they were asking you out.

It’s only a misunderstanding!

And posters know it’s not the same as a mum group or a meeting of old friends so why are you pretending otherwise?

[2Kidsinatrenchcoat]

I wish I’d had whatever it is you’ve clearly got when I was single! I’m bi (but in a long term relationship with a man), have my nose pierced, wear dungarees frequently, have shaved my head several times, and yet (when I was single) women always assumed I was straight even when I was flirting with them!

[Gwenhwyfar]

"I guess if I asked a single man to go for a coffee it might sound like a date."

Yes, but it would be the way you ask and how you behave and your expectations that would make it a date, not the coffee.

[NudgeUnit]

God, this thread is bizarre! The only conclusion I can reach is that for people who are in the market for dating, 'having coffee' has somehow become a weirdly sexualised activity with a specific place in a complex system of codification that instantly tells your companion how long you intend to spend deciding whether or not to shag them and how much money you're prepared to spend on the effort. For the rest of us, having coffee, going to the pub, or even (gasp!) asking someone if they too are interested in the film you're planning to see at the weekend is just a normal, companionable thing to do.

I am obviously old. (Not OLD.)

[wheresmymojo]

It's the "I'd love to..." that makes it sound more like a date than a friends.

Instead of "I'd love to get a coffee if you're back in the City"

Say "Oh...we should catch up for a coffee or something next time you're back"

The "I'd love to" makes it sound like you really really want to rather than it being casual.

(I think they're being over sensitive but that's how you need to change your wording).

[PuzzledObserver]

@NameChange84.

I tend to have a lot of men randomly shouting “I’m MARRIED” at me, when I just walk into a shop or am in the queue for petrol.

That’s just weird.

[Gwenhwyfar]

"You've never been invited for a coffee when it isn't just a coffee?

Weird."

More weird if you've never been invited for a coffee when it WAS just coffee. I go for coffee (actually hot choc or tea) with friends all the time when it's not lockdown. It's completely normal!

[InThisMultiverse]

Try not to rub your thighs when you suggest going for a coffee. Problem solved.

[PablosHoney]

Isn’t that how grasshoppers attract a mate, by rubbing their thighs together to make that chirruping noise, were you doing that op!?

[Staffy1]

@OhCaptain

If someone you’d only met had been really attentive and then asked you out for coffee (OP’s own words) then I think it would be a fair enough assumption that they were asking you out.

It’s only a misunderstanding!

And posters know it’s not the same as a mum group or a meeting of old friends so why are you pretending otherwise?

But it's not someone the OP had just met. They had spoken several times online. I would never assume it was a date unless I was being asked by someone on a dating site.

[Gwenhwyfar]

"@Gwenhwyfar
So you never go for a coffee with friends then???

I don't, no. But I don't drink coffee, so that's probably why wink"

Neither do I. I drink tea or hot chocolate, which all coffee places serve.

"As they're already my friends though, i'd know it wasn't a date if coffee was suggested."

How did you become friends though. For people my ages (40s, but it was the same in my 30s), I'd say that going for a coffee is the main way of getting to know people apart from the pub.

[butterpuffed]

I think it's the mention of 'coffee'. It's usually associated with a date

Oh dear...so if I said to a friend let's grab a coffee and a cake , I guess I'd really be in trouble

[Gwenhwyfar]

@OhCaptain

If someone you’d only met had been really attentive and then asked you out for coffee (OP’s own words) then I think it would be a fair enough assumption that they were asking you out.

It’s only a misunderstanding!

And posters know it’s not the same as a mum group or a meeting of old friends so why are you pretending otherwise?

About 10% of men are gay and an even smaller proportion of women are lesbian, so my first thought if a woman asked me to go for a coffee wouldn't be that she's asking me for a date, just because statistically it's not the most likely.
Yes, with a man I'd be more careful until I knew his interest was only platonic.

[Gwenhwyfar]

"It's the "I'd love to..." that makes it sound more like a date than a friends."

But it's not what a man would say if he was asking you out, is it?

[NudgeUnit]

Oh dear...so if I said to a friend let's grab a coffee and a cake , I guess I'd really be in trouble

And for fuck's sake don't say the buns look nice.

[RichPetunia]

Here’s the reality. A lot of lesbians do look like the stereotype - short hair, masculine clothes, walk around like they are a bloke. Some lesbians don’t look like that but you have to concede that some do, so if the OP looks like a stereotypical version of a lesbian then that’s where the confusion lies.

[Arkon]

I don’t get the big deal, all you have to say is ‘i meant as friends, not a date’

I am an actual lesbian, with long hair, make up and everything.......
yet I still ask friends out for coffee!

[MagnoliaJustice]

You obviously gave her the impression that you were asking her out on a date, rather than simply meeting for a coffee. What you look like is irrelevant. Gay women walk among us, and quite often no-one knows - and why the fuck should they? My daughter is gay and when I mentioned she and her girlfriend were coming over for the weekend, one of my workmates said 'oh but she doesn't look like a lesbian.'