to think they think I'm gay?

[ohgoshreally]

I am straight.

Apparently I have given off a gay vibe, but today when I asked someone out for coffee as a non committal event for the future, they said 'I'm sorry, I actually am straight.' This was a lady I met at an online networking event and we had so much in common and had great conversations.

Why would you jump to the conclusion that it's a date? I am really enthusiastic and engaging but don't feel this could be confused for flirting. I also look feminine enough, don't feel I look like a lesbian.

This is the first time this has happened but not the first time a professional women has acted weird when I invited them out for a coffee. I have picked up on another lady kept mentioning here husband after I asked her out for a coffee as if to make a point.

How can I ask another professional woman with similar intersets out for coffee without coming across as asking them on a date?

[whattimeisitrightnow]

YABU to use the phrase ‘look like a lesbian’. Grow up.

[butterpuffed]

@lockdownparty

I think asking someone out for a coffee is usually code for going on a date op.

Really ???? My friends and I often go out for coffee but one of us has to ask , we never magically find ourselves standing outside a cafe

[KirstyHasLeft]

I'm gay but noone ever thinks I am asking them out on a date :) How do you do it? :)

[FiveFootTwoEyesOfBlue]

OP, you need to describe how the conversation went in a bit more detail. Was it over video or written chat? What exact words did you use?

[MrsPeacockInTheLibrary]

"don't feel I look like a lesbian."
Please educate yourself that lesbians look like any other human being - human.

[Sertchgi123]

The lesbians I know look very feminine.

[AuntyPasta]

’don't feel I look like a lesbian.’

Right

[ohgoshreally]

well really we will be having a great conversation and then I will say at the end ' I would love to grab a coffee with you when you are back in the city' or 'I would love to hear more about your company over a coffee'

I now just have no idea how to ask other women out for a coffee and am so aware they they may think I am asking them out

[SimonJT]

I also look feminine enough, don't feel I look like a lesbian.

I stopped reading at that awful comment.

[KetoWinnie]

What did you say to her in reply?!

I don't think it's necessarily your vibe, it could just be that you asked her out for coffee. That in itself can be hard to interpret....... It is definitely what OLD veterans do, they can't give you a whole evening because they're all too jaded, so they suggest meeting for a coffee.

[tenlittlecygnets]

I also look feminine enough, don't feel I look like a lesbian.

What, no dungarees, pierced nose and crew cut then? How ridiculous. 🙄

[KetoWinnie]

@SimonJT

I also look feminine enough, don't feel I look like a lesbian.

I stopped reading at that awful comment.

Nope, gonna do a Laurence Fox here.

You could give the OP tonnes of shit about that comment or you could acknowledge that a higher percentage of gay women do not try conform to the same patriarchal norms that straight women tend to.

[SuckingDieselFella]

@ohgoshreally

well really we will be having a great conversation and then I will say at the end ' I would love to grab a coffee with you when you are back in the city' or 'I would love to hear more about your company over a coffee'

I now just have no idea how to ask other women out for a coffee and am so aware they they may think I am asking them out

I think it's the mention of 'coffee'. It's usually associated with a date.

If you say 'I'd love to chat further when you are back in the city. Can I give you my card/e-mail address?' or 'I would love to hear more about your company. Can I contact you by e-mail?' it rules out the sexual element.

[NotAnotherUserNumber]

To all those complaining about the “look like a lesbian” phrasing, this doesn’t mean the OP thinks all lesbians look a certain way. She might just be aware of the false stereotype various people have mentioned and is understanding that narrow minded people might wrongly think she was gay if she did look like that.

[Viviennemary]

I think saying would you like to go for coffee sounds like a date. Say let's have a coffee sometime.

[youhave4substitutes]

"I think it's the mention of 'coffee'. It's usually associated with a date.

If you say 'I'd love to chat further when you are back in the city. Can I give you my card/e-mail address?' or 'I would love to hear more about your company. Can I contact you by e-mail?' it rules out the sexual element."

Wtf? since when is going to Costa sexual?

[Staffy1]

@lockdownparty

I think asking someone out for a coffee is usually code for going on a date op.

Really? Sounds like an pretty unexciting date.

[Tfoot75]

I think in general that friendships just develop usually without being sought out. I wouldn't expect someone to ask me out for a drink unless we were already firm friends, whereas dating is usually a lot more direct. I've never had another woman ask me to go out for a drink with her, so yes I'd probably be concerned she had misinterpreted, that's all. Usually you have common ground anyway so the friendship develops to a certain point then you start to seek out additional opportunities to socialise. If I met someone I really liked as a potential friend, but didn't think we'd meet again, I'd just shrug and move on.

[NameChange84]

When you ask them for coffee (which I disagree with the notion that coffee = date) are you either of the following;

A bit nervous...like they might say no?

A bit desperate seeming/over enthusiastic?

Or just intense in anyway?

I’m thinking about it now and realised I’m not the one that usually instigates coffee.

When I’ve been asked by new friends, platonically, it’s always been them saying something like,

“Ahhh this was fun, it’s a shame that the course was so short as it’s nice to meet other people who work in the same field! We should stay in touch and catch up sometime.”

Or just

“Shall we grab a coffee and chat things over?”

If someone said “how about you and I go out for dinner together sometime?” that to me would suggest “date”.

“Let’s go for a coffee” does not mean date in my world.

[PablosHoney]

God, thank god I’m not single, I can’t stand coffee!

[OhCaptain]

Are these women you don't know? Brand new acquaintances? Because if someone was chatting to me and said at the end "I'd love to meet you for coffee when you're next in the city" I might actually think they were asking me out.

It would depend on the tone of voice or just how "lively and friendly" you were being, I suppose.

I also look feminine enough, don't feel I look like a lesbian.

Seriously though, wtf is this about??

[NameChange84]

I’m with you @Staffy1

I’ve started being a bit sneaky/pedantic with guys...if they go all vague and say,

“You and I should erm...get coffee together...sometime...”

I go,

“oh really? That’s a shame. I was hoping you might ask me on a date. But sure, we could be friends and go for coffee!”

Caveat, I’m not an online dater and these tend to be men I’ve known for a while.

I just think past 25, men and women really should be mature enough to have the balls to say, “I would like to take you on a date”.

And then we could ditch all this Coffee euphemism nonsense.

You can get coffee on a date. But just be explicit about the fact it’s a date and don’t leave the other person in a confused state. It’s very waring.

[SuckingDieselFella]

@youhave4substitutes

"I think it's the mention of 'coffee'. It's usually associated with a date.

If you say 'I'd love to chat further when you are back in the city. Can I give you my card/e-mail address?' or 'I would love to hear more about your company. Can I contact you by e-mail?' it rules out the sexual element."

Wtf? since when is going to Costa sexual?

Would I ask a man if they'd like to go for a coffee?

No.

Why?

Because it's sexual.

Even if it's Costa? Yep, still sexual.

As mentioned above it's what online daters do for an initial meet.

[Ohtherewearethen]

I'd find it odd if a woman I just met on a training course or something and had one conversation with asked me out for a coffee to be honest. What is your aim, is it just the one coffee or are you hoping to make lasting friendships? It might just be that you're not those particular women's cup of tea and they find it strange to be asked for a coffee by someone they've just met. Many people don't really think of making new friends like that. They are polite and chat to people next to them on the train or at a conference and then go home to their families/friends and think no more about it. Friendships usually only work when both people get the same vibes from each other and feel like a comfortable friendship could develop naturally and organically. Maybe these particular women didn't get those vibes from you?

[SimonJT]

What are some of you doing with your coffee to make it sexual?!