to think they think I'm gay?

[ohgoshreally]

I am straight.

Apparently I have given off a gay vibe, but today when I asked someone out for coffee as a non committal event for the future, they said 'I'm sorry, I actually am straight.' This was a lady I met at an online networking event and we had so much in common and had great conversations.

Why would you jump to the conclusion that it's a date? I am really enthusiastic and engaging but don't feel this could be confused for flirting. I also look feminine enough, don't feel I look like a lesbian.

This is the first time this has happened but not the first time a professional women has acted weird when I invited them out for a coffee. I have picked up on another lady kept mentioning here husband after I asked her out for a coffee as if to make a point.

How can I ask another professional woman with similar intersets out for coffee without coming across as asking them on a date?

[KetoWinnie]

@PablosHoney

God, thank god I’m not single, I can’t stand coffee!

half the people on OLD aren't single either so nobody's safe!

[ScrapThatThen]

Just laugh and say ‘oh I’ve been told I sometimes appear flirtatious when that’s far from my intention, I’m very happily married but was genuinely interested in talking more about xyz.’

My supervisor used to tell us all ‘I am hard of hearing so if I appear to be extremely attentive and interested in you, and hanging on your every word, it is not actually because I am in love with you’.

[KetoWinnie]

@SimonJT

What are some of you doing with your coffee to make it sexual?!

It's not sexual, well, I guess it could be, I"m not going to judge. The coffee is now the tyre kicking stage of the process. If you've good pressure in your tyres you may be asked out in the evening.

[SimonJT]

The coffee is now the tyre kicking stage of the process. If you've good pressure in your tyres you may be asked out in the evening.

English isn’t my first language, I genuinely have no idea that the above means.

[KetoWinnie]

@NameChange84, I agree, I'm not OLD anymore but I ruled out the half ass merchants who would only give you twenty minutes times and a coffee

It might suit others but I just saw it as a sign that they had milled through everybody on the internet.

[NameChange84]

I'd find it odd if a woman I just met on a training course or something and had one conversation with asked me out for a coffee to be honest.

See, I don’t find it weird at all. I’m an academic and this happens ALL the time at conferences, presentations, CPD. Same sex and opposite sex. I leave every conference with about 5 new numbers on my phone, coffee invitations for “when you are next in town” etc and still very single! Its common amongst people who work in the Arts or who are freelancers too from my experience.

[NudgeUnit]

I don't think inviting someone for coffee is code for a date. Bizarre that so many pps think it is. But I do think how you're wording it might make a difference. I might say 'We should have coffee next week if you're around' or 'Shall we catch up over coffee soon?' But I wouldn't say, 'Would you like to come out for coffee sometime?' or even 'Could we get together for coffee perhaps?' I think what makes the difference is asking rather than just suggesting. Inherent in a request is the possibility that you might get a refusal, which perhaps gives the impression that meeting up is something you realise in advance your friend might find unpalatable.

I would love to be asked out for coffee by a new friend btw! (Though I would drink tea!)

[KetoWinnie]

@SimonJT

The coffee is now the tyre kicking stage of the process. If you've good pressure in your tyres you may be asked out in the evening.

English isn’t my first language, I genuinely have no idea that the above means.

Lol, well, you're living and learning!

[SpinningLikeATop]

Would I ask a man if they'd like to go for a coffee?

No.

Why?

Because it's sexual.

Even if it's Costa? Yep, still sexual.

As mentioned above it's what online daters do for an initial meet.

Coffee isn't sexual! Online daters know it's a date. Two friends meeting for coffee isn't sexual or a date or anything but two friends meeting for coffee.

OP, I think it may be because you're not friends with this person. You'd only just met, and you maybe came across as a bit eager.

[KetoWinnie]

@NudgeUnit it depends on how well you know the person though! If you're suggesting coffee with somebody you hardly know, then it's easy to see how it could be misinterpreted.

[PablosHoney]

@KetoWinnie True but how would I pull a woman or a man if I couldn’t invite them to coffee 😂

[NellMangel]

I've never heard of coffee being code for a date. Although I guess if I asked a single man to go for a coffee it might sound like a date.

And yes, shock horror, i know what you mean about "looking like a lesbian". There is a stereotype that applies to a proportion of lesbians, and if you presented yourself that way you could understand why people leapt to this assumption.

People are never sure if I am gay. But that makes sense cos neither am I!

[BilboBercow]

I mean I really enjoy coffee but I still don't see it as sexual.
A man I work with bought me a baguette with chicken tikka today. Is that basically dogging?

[NameChange84]

Do you lot all get really turned on by Flat Whites and a Biscotti or something?

Are we all supposed to get multi-orgasmic in Cafe Nero?

When I’m in there with my Amaretto Cappuccino and a copy of Tess of The D’Urbervilles is this the equivalent of masturbating?

I’m so confused.


What’s going on with all the breastfeeding mums?

And the old fellas reading the Daily Mail?


Even as a date “Coffee” isn’t sexual...

It’s just getting to know someone better...

In public...

[sleepyhead]

I think thats ok though? Theyre being bit presumptuous that someone would be trying to pick them up, but surely you can just say something like "I'm straight too - I literally do mean coffee and a chat!"

[youhave4substitutes]

"Would I ask a man if they'd like to go for a coffee?

No.

Why?

Because it's sexual.

Even if it's Costa? Yep, still sexual."

Load of old bollocks. If I bump into an ex colleague or I meet someone on a course or whatever I might suggest a coffee. As in "fancy a coffee" or "can't stop today but message me next week and we'll go for a drink". I'm not intending to play footsie or give them a hand job by the nutmeg shaker

[TumbledGlass]

Instead of saying "I would love..." could you phrase it "If you fancy meeting up for a cuppa to discuss it further..."
The former is making you sound very keen, the latter is giving them the choice.

[youhave4substitutes]

"A man I work with bought me a baguette with chicken tikka today."

Omg, the dirty bastard

[NameChange84]

I'm not intending to play footsie or give them a hand job by the nutmeg shaker

[KetoWinnie]

[quote PablosHoney]@KetoWinnie True but how would I pull a woman or a man if I couldn’t invite them to coffee 😂[/quote]
You'd up your game! Ask them out in the evening!

I just found it so inconvenient when somebody asked me for coffee. How was I supposed to fit that in to my full time working week!? I didn't mind if somebody said ''do you want to meet for a glass of wine?'' and then you know that the inference is that you might both cut and run after one although I always felt I needed to stay for two even if the second drink was a diet coke but no, asking somebody you're romantically interested in out for a coffee is a bit lame.

If you like them, own it!

[Linning]

@SuckingDieselFella

How strange!

What constitutes a non-sexual activity with a man/woman for you?
What activity should OP ask people out on that would not be constituted as a date? Any activity could be a date if you make it one, do you genuinely never grab coffee without feeling you are being sexual? Weird.

Might have to text all my friends back to tell them the times I have had coffee with them should not be misconstrued as me being sexual and/or interested.

[Gwenhwyfar]

@AnnieMaul

Is asking someone out for coffee a thing? I thought it was code for "lets go on a date"

It's possible i've been living under a rock, but perhaps these ladies thought the same.

So you never go for a coffee with friends then???

Of course, it CAN be a date, but not necessarily.

[dudsville]

I'm a straight woman always assumed to be a lesbian.

[wildcherries]

I also look feminine enough, don't feel I look like a lesbian.

Sigh.

[wheresmymojo]

I would do it with more of a context about why I'm asking them for a coffee.

Like "Hey, are you up for grabbing a coffee because it would be really good to find out more about XYZ project if you've got time"