DD is 5 months old, she’s our first baby.
The love I feel for her is like nothing I’ve ever felt before, but I’m struggling.
Since giving birth and the start of the pandemic, I’ve become an anxious mess.
Most days all I can think about is death.
I worry so much about death and I’m at the point of thinking, what is the point in life?
I feel like I’ve lost all motivation for living, because 1 there’s a pandemic and life will never be as it was, and 2 death is just awaiting us all.
I don’t feel suicidal. I just don’t feel motivation for life.
I look at my beautiful baby and I feel so sad and guilty that she has me as her mum.
She should be my motivation, and she absolutely is, but I feel like every day I’m failing at being a mum and she would be better off if I weren’t in her life.
I’m too anxious to meet up with other mum friends because of Covid, and on top of that I’ve gained weight so I feel really uncomfortable about myself.
I was 12 stone before pregnancy so not exactly slim, but I am now 15stone 8!!!Nothing fits and I have zero motivation to lose weight because food is the one thing that I get comfort from. 😔
We spend our days at home or going for walks with very little interaction with other people.
We do online classes and I interact with my baby but I don’t feel like we’re doing enough.
I worry she’s bored or doesn’t have enough stimulation.
DH is at work and by the time he gets home I’m just a moaning mess because I’ve sat on my thoughts all day about how much I’m desperate to get back to normality but I lack any confidence / motivation to change.
Our friends have invited us round to their house next week.
I don’t want to go, but at the same time I’m screaming at myself to go.
I feel so terrible I just can’t, I won’t enjoy myself because Covid will just be on my mind!
I had dreams of taking my DD on holidays, swimming, Zoo’s trips to the beach with ice cream.
All of those seem impossible now, how can I go and enjoy that when I’ve got to constantly think about how close I am to people and if I’ve touched anything that’s contaminated with Covid!
It absolutely breaks my heart to think this and it’s so hard to write this down, but I’m considering leaving DH & DD because I can no longer put them thorough this misery.
I desperately don’t want DD to EVER EVER end up like me. But what hope does she have.
She's such a beautiful and happy baby and I want her to always stay that way.
DH is the total opposite to me and she will be so much better off with him, he will be a positive influence on her.
I love them both so so much but I can’t condemn them to my sad way of life.
I’ve spoken to my GP about how I feel and she’s recommended some counselling but all I can think is, what’s the point, I’m going to die one day and I’m never going to be good enough for my baby.
I know all of this sounds very pitiful and self wallowing, but I’m sat with uncontrollable tears as I write this. I feel so bad.
I just don't know what to do anymore.
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To leave DH with DD
143 replies
namechange0086 · 10/07/2020 15:51
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