DD is 5 months old, she’s our first baby.
The love I feel for her is like nothing I’ve ever felt before, but I’m struggling.
Since giving birth and the start of the pandemic, I’ve become an anxious mess.
Most days all I can think about is death.
I worry so much about death and I’m at the point of thinking, what is the point in life?
I feel like I’ve lost all motivation for living, because 1 there’s a pandemic and life will never be as it was, and 2 death is just awaiting us all.
I don’t feel suicidal. I just don’t feel motivation for life.
I look at my beautiful baby and I feel so sad and guilty that she has me as her mum.
She should be my motivation, and she absolutely is, but I feel like every day I’m failing at being a mum and she would be better off if I weren’t in her life.
I’m too anxious to meet up with other mum friends because of Covid, and on top of that I’ve gained weight so I feel really uncomfortable about myself.
I was 12 stone before pregnancy so not exactly slim, but I am now 15stone 8!!!Nothing fits and I have zero motivation to lose weight because food is the one thing that I get comfort from. 😔
We spend our days at home or going for walks with very little interaction with other people.
We do online classes and I interact with my baby but I don’t feel like we’re doing enough.
I worry she’s bored or doesn’t have enough stimulation.
DH is at work and by the time he gets home I’m just a moaning mess because I’ve sat on my thoughts all day about how much I’m desperate to get back to normality but I lack any confidence / motivation to change.
Our friends have invited us round to their house next week.
I don’t want to go, but at the same time I’m screaming at myself to go.
I feel so terrible I just can’t, I won’t enjoy myself because Covid will just be on my mind!
I had dreams of taking my DD on holidays, swimming, Zoo’s trips to the beach with ice cream.
All of those seem impossible now, how can I go and enjoy that when I’ve got to constantly think about how close I am to people and if I’ve touched anything that’s contaminated with Covid!
It absolutely breaks my heart to think this and it’s so hard to write this down, but I’m considering leaving DH & DD because I can no longer put them thorough this misery.
I desperately don’t want DD to EVER EVER end up like me. But what hope does she have.
She's such a beautiful and happy baby and I want her to always stay that way.
DH is the total opposite to me and she will be so much better off with him, he will be a positive influence on her.
I love them both so so much but I can’t condemn them to my sad way of life.
I’ve spoken to my GP about how I feel and she’s recommended some counselling but all I can think is, what’s the point, I’m going to die one day and I’m never going to be good enough for my baby.
I know all of this sounds very pitiful and self wallowing, but I’m sat with uncontrollable tears as I write this. I feel so bad.
I just don't know what to do anymore.
MNHQ have commented on this thread
AIBU?
To leave DH with DD
namechange0086 · 10/07/2020 15:51
OP I felt the same as you for a good year after my DD was born. I had never experienced anxiety in my life until then and I too remember feeling guilty as I hardly interacted with my DD and I thought she was bored and would turn out in some way damaged as she wasn't stimulated enough.
I also never really gave death much thought until I gave birth, then I thought about it constantly. I would have scary thoughts and be walking down the street with my DD in the pram thinking of the worst possible scenarios that would end in our deaths.
I remember sitting with a couple of friends and one of them was really studying and putting in loads of effort for a job interview and I said out loud, "what's the point in even trying? We're all going to die anyways." That's truly how I felt, I didn't see the point in anything because I was just going to die in the end. I couldn't wrap my head around the fact that we should try and make the most of our time here. Like you, I wasn't suicidal but everything was pointless and I lacked motivation.
I was really good at hiding how I was feeling from the professionals, it wasn't until I finally had a breakdown at the doctors that I was put on medication, underwent counselling and got better slowly but surely.
Your DD would NOT be better off without you, you are her mummy and she loves you and she needs you. However, she needs you to be healthy and you can only do that at the minute by putting yourself first. You need to speak to somebody, ANYBODY that can help you. Even if you don't feel up to speaking to a professional just yet, please speak to someone in real life, you will feel loads better just getting it off your chest and you cancan have support through the process. But truly, speaking to a professional was the best thing I ever did. I just went back at read your thread and you have spoken to the GP, I reckon you should speak to another one, keep pushing.
I was put on medication when my DD was a year old, she's 7 this year and I am still on medication, I came off them briefly but didn't do well and I can say hand on heart, fluoxetine changed and saved my life. I am so close to my DD and so glad I got help.
You don't need to feel like this, you won't always feel like this. I bet you are an amazing mum and wife, the fact that you have taken the time to write this post and I can feel your anguish in it proves that point.
I wish you the best OP and please post here at any time 
OP I felt the same as you for a good year after my DD was born. I had never experienced anxiety in my life until then and I too remember feeling guilty as I hardly interacted with my DD and I thought she was bored and would turn out in some way damaged as she wasn't stimulated enough.
I also never really gave death much thought until I gave birth, then I thought about it constantly. I would have scary thoughts and be walking down the street with my DD in the pram thinking of the worst possible scenarios that would end in our deaths.
I remember sitting with a couple of friends and one of them was really studying and putting in loads of effort for a job interview and I said out loud, "what's the point in even trying? We're all going to die anyways." That's truly how I felt, I didn't see the point in anything because I was just going to die in the end. I couldn't wrap my head around the fact that we should try and make the most of our time here. Like you, I wasn't suicidal but everything was pointless and I lacked motivation.
I was really good at hiding how I was feeling from the professionals, it wasn't until I finally had a breakdown at the doctors that I was put on medication, underwent counselling and got better slowly but surely.
Your DD would NOT be better off without you, you are her mummy and she loves you and she needs you. However, she needs you to be healthy and you can only do that at the minute by putting yourself first. You need to speak to somebody, ANYBODY that can help you. Even if you don't feel up to speaking to a professional just yet, please speak to someone in real life, you will feel loads better just getting it off your chest and you cancan have support through the process. But truly, speaking to a professional was the best thing I ever did. I just went back at read your thread and you have spoken to the GP, I reckon you should speak to another one, keep pushing.
I was put on medication when my DD was a year old, she's 7 this year and I am still on medication, I came off them briefly but didn't do well and I can say hand on heart, fluoxetine changed and saved my life. I am so close to my DD and so glad I got help.
You don't need to feel like this, you won't always feel like this. I bet you are an amazing mum and wife, the fact that you have taken the time to write this post and I can feel your anguish in it proves that point.
I wish you the best OP and please post here at any time
@SideEyeing
I don't know what else to say but you're not alone.
I really hope you manage to find some support too
All you DD needs is her mammy she’s not bothered about days out etc she’s a baby and she definitely won’t remember. Your doing a fantastic job at loving and caring for your baby you are her world and you are enough!
How about you plan one thing each week I.e how about a drive out and then a walk and ice cream with your dh and dd? Little steps each week.
Plan your food for the week and try and drink water through the day (promise this will help)
Try and get a little bit of you time each day!! 20mins having a bubble bath For eg.
Go out for a walk after tea time with your dd in the pram and maybe try and power walk the fresh air will help you and not as many people around.
Don’t watch/read a lot of negative news
Watch comedy
Get your hair done
Wear your lipstick even when your not going out.
Maybe listen to some meditation free app on your phone on a night time.
Take pictures of you and you baby enjoy the small things.
Communicate with family friends even if it’s just a txt it’s great to connect.
I felt like you,when I had my first baby.I felt alone fat and it all felt so pointless, looking back I had depression! but I didn’t realise as I thought I had to push that to one side in order to show people I was a good mum. Your feelings will pass,you just need to take care of yourself and everything will fall into place (you will see)your baby needs you don’t ever think your not enough. Please confide in your dh and maybe a friend family member! you are not alone. I’m so happy you are recognising these feelings and you are trying to seek help by coming on here. Inbox me if you want a friend to chat too xx
I'm so sorry you feel like the. I'm not sure where you are at this point cbt will help. I needed to be at a point where I could implement the things which are part of cbt. This wasn't when I was most unwell. I think you need to consider medication. It is for times like this when coping is hard.
As someone with anxiety I recognise what you are saying. But you're not a bad mum it's the anxiety and poor mental health talking. If you were physically unwell your dh would take time off to look after dd this is the same. I know it's really hard when it's something you can just soilder on with. But you need a Frank conversation with him to say you're at crisis point. I know this feels dramatic but it's better than continuing and getting worse and having less control over treatment and getting better. I don't mean for this to sound scary it's way better once you acknowledge what's happening with people. You can get through this
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