To leave DH with DD

[namechange0086]

DD is 5 months old, she’s our first baby.

The love I feel for her is like nothing I’ve ever felt before, but I’m struggling.

Since giving birth and the start of the pandemic, I’ve become an anxious mess.

Most days all I can think about is death.
I worry so much about death and I’m at the point of thinking, what is the point in life?

I feel like I’ve lost all motivation for living, because 1 there’s a pandemic and life will never be as it was, and 2 death is just awaiting us all.

I don’t feel suicidal. I just don’t feel motivation for life.

I look at my beautiful baby and I feel so sad and guilty that she has me as her mum.
She should be my motivation, and she absolutely is, but I feel like every day I’m failing at being a mum and she would be better off if I weren’t in her life.

I’m too anxious to meet up with other mum friends because of Covid, and on top of that I’ve gained weight so I feel really uncomfortable about myself.
I was 12 stone before pregnancy so not exactly slim, but I am now 15stone 8!!!Nothing fits and I have zero motivation to lose weight because food is the one thing that I get comfort from. 😔

We spend our days at home or going for walks with very little interaction with other people.

We do online classes and I interact with my baby but I don’t feel like we’re doing enough.
I worry she’s bored or doesn’t have enough stimulation.

DH is at work and by the time he gets home I’m just a moaning mess because I’ve sat on my thoughts all day about how much I’m desperate to get back to normality but I lack any confidence / motivation to change.

Our friends have invited us round to their house next week.
I don’t want to go, but at the same time I’m screaming at myself to go.
I feel so terrible I just can’t, I won’t enjoy myself because Covid will just be on my mind!

I had dreams of taking my DD on holidays, swimming, Zoo’s trips to the beach with ice cream.
All of those seem impossible now, how can I go and enjoy that when I’ve got to constantly think about how close I am to people and if I’ve touched anything that’s contaminated with Covid!

It absolutely breaks my heart to think this and it’s so hard to write this down, but I’m considering leaving DH & DD because I can no longer put them thorough this misery.

I desperately don’t want DD to EVER EVER end up like me. But what hope does she have.

She's such a beautiful and happy baby and I want her to always stay that way.

DH is the total opposite to me and she will be so much better off with him, he will be a positive influence on her.

I love them both so so much but I can’t condemn them to my sad way of life.

I’ve spoken to my GP about how I feel and she’s recommended some counselling but all I can think is, what’s the point, I’m going to die one day and I’m never going to be good enough for my baby.

I know all of this sounds very pitiful and self wallowing, but I’m sat with uncontrollable tears as I write this. I feel so bad.

I just don't know what to do anymore.

[namechange0086]

@NameChange84

No one is going to tell you is best for your DD to step away from her.

I’m still suffering at 36 from a parent making that decision. It’s very hard as a parent to see that a child growing up will take a lot of time and therapy to understand that it’s not THEIR fault but a parents choice to step away out of love. As a child you just never feel enough or good enough...even if your parent’s reason to step away was in their opinion to protect you.

Could you reframe it?

The point of counselling is to help your daughter have her mummy in her life the way both of you deserve?

Thinking of death constantly is one of the key symptoms of clinical depression. If you had a broken leg you wouldn’t accept being left to go untreated. Something is broken in your brain chemistry right now. Counselling and possibly medication would be the “cast” and “physio” needed to heal.

I'm so sorry to hear that happens.

It's not an easy thing for me to even consider doing, but I desperately don't want DD to end up like me and I'm so worried that if I stay that's exactly what will happen. 😔

[Embracelife]

You can call or email samaritans right now.
Please follow up on help
Counselling can really help .

[namechange0086]

@NameChange84

No one is going to tell you is best for your DD to step away from her.

I’m still suffering at 36 from a parent making that decision. It’s very hard as a parent to see that a child growing up will take a lot of time and therapy to understand that it’s not THEIR fault but a parents choice to step away out of love. As a child you just never feel enough or good enough...even if your parent’s reason to step away was in their opinion to protect you.

Could you reframe it?

The point of counselling is to help your daughter have her mummy in her life the way both of you deserve?

Thinking of death constantly is one of the key symptoms of clinical depression. If you had a broken leg you wouldn’t accept being left to go untreated. Something is broken in your brain chemistry right now. Counselling and possibly medication would be the “cast” and “physio” needed to heal.

I'm so sorry to hear that happens.

It's not an easy thing for me to even consider doing, but I desperately don't want DD to end up like me and I'm so worried that if I stay that's exactly what will happen. 😔

[Eileithyiaa]

I would contact the GP again, I was in your shoes when my DD was around the same age.

The GP went through the PND questionnaire with me and I ranked pretty high.

They put me on some mild anti-depressants and the change in me was like night and day.

Please do push this with your doctor, they have a duty of care to you. Ask to speak to a different GP than the one who you spoke to last time.

Leaving is the wrong choice

[NameChange84]

@namechange0086 I know it’s counterintuitive but actually it’s the other way round.

You spend your whole life thinking you were unwanted, not good enough for your parents love, that you are unlovable.

You don’t, as a child or even as an adult whose parent abandonEd them, think “they loved me so much they walked away from me”. It’s almost impossible to feel good about yourself as that child. So you become depressed, anxious etc and need help yourself when you grow up.

I think what was worse for me was seeing my medical notes as an adult and seeing my parents refused help. It made me feel I wasn’t worth the bother.

Please, please, try. Just go for a few sessions. Give it a chance. If not for you, for your little girl. Please. I can promise it would be worth it.

[positivity123]

You poor love. You sound so sad. Leaving is NOT the right thing so no one will tell you that.
What would you tell a friend if she came to you with the same dilema?
You managed to grow and nurture your gorgeous daughter, that's an incredible achievement. Now try and show yourself some love and speak to the GP again. Best of luck

[Jeezoh]

The best thing you can do for your DD is to take your GPs advice, I promise you won’t always feel like this but you need to just make this next move xx

[PyongyangKipperbang]

perinatology.com/calculators/Edinburgh%20Depression%20Scale.htm

This is classic PND, I was exactly the same. There was no point to anything and I thought that the kids would be better off without my negative influence in their lives.

I was wrong.

Take a look at the questionnaire above and be honest. Then if it helps, take it with you to your GP or tell her you have done it and what your score was.

Take care honey, been there and come out the other side. It can be done, but first you need to accept the help being offered

[MrsNoah2020]

I'm a GP. Please show your GP or your HV what you have written here. Ring your practice now (they will be open till 6.30) and say it is an emergency. If you are not able to do that before 6.30, ring 111 - they can arrange for you to speak to an Out of Hours GP.

There is nothing wrong with you as a person. You are ill. I know it's hard to believe, but you will get better - it's the depression telling you that you won't. You are the perfect mother for your DD.

[NoParticularPattern]

Oh love no one is going to tell you that your husband and baby will be better off without you there. The only thing telling you that is the chemical/hormonal imbalance going on in your brain. You are not a danger to her, you are not going to damage her, she is a wonderful, tiny baby who you deserve to be able to enjoy. And your mental health is stopping you from doing that right now. Please take up the offer of counselling or CBT but please also go back to your GP and read them what you’ve written here. They will know how to help.

[Justaboy]

namechange0086

Please listen to me if you will. You're being afflicted with post natal depesssion quite a few women have it, my first wife had it and was coming up with the same things as your are but worse!!

BUT it can be treated you need to talk to your GP and tell him or her exactley how you are feeling pester them to make sure they understand it, will get better seen it happen to my sister she had the smme feelings as you BUT please believe me it can be treated and you will feel better!

And do post here for support, i'm of course with the username male but a lot of women here will understand this very well!

Best wishes..

JB..

[namechange0086]

@MrsNoah2020

I'm a GP. Please show your GP or your HV what you have written here. Ring your practice now (they will be open till 6.30) and say it is an emergency. If you are not able to do that before 6.30, ring 111 - they can arrange for you to speak to an Out of Hours GP.

There is nothing wrong with you as a person. You are ill. I know it's hard to believe, but you will get better - it's the depression telling you that you won't. You are the perfect mother for your DD.

I'm genuinely so frightened to go into so much detail with the GP. But I did say how I was feeling.

I would hate for it leave a mark against my DD, I don't want her to be under any kind of "watch".

This is what it feels the best option to not be in her life right now. 😞

[katmarie]

OP, I have an understanding of how you feel. After my first was born, I struggled, and seriously wondered whether I was the right person to be his mum. I could waffle on about all the ways in which I felt incompetent, inadequate and lost, but the long and short of it is that he seemed to deserve so much better than me. I went to my gp, and basically broke down sobbing in her surgery trying to explain why I was doing such a bad job of being a mum. She looked at me, and in a very no nonsense way said, I think you need to be on something to help, just for a bit. She prescribed me sertraline, and it helped hugely.

The worst thing about mental health problems is the fortitude and resiliance you need to get effective treatments prescribed to you, at a time when you have neither fortitude or resiliance.

I will tell you what someone told me though. Your baby doesn't look at you and see someone broken, struggling, or scared. Your baby sees their mummy. A unique and incredibly special person in their life. You being there, in their life, is far more valuable to them, than any damage you think you might be doing by struggling. And by seeking and accepting help you set a shining example to your baby that it's ok to ask for help when you need it.

Please see the doctor again, don't let them fob you off. I know it's incredibly hard to have the conversation once, let alone to have to do it all over again. If it's too much, ask your dh to speak on your behalf. But don't let this go untreated, you deserve help, support, and the chance to get better.

[bloodywhitecat]

Stepping away from your baby is not the best thing for her. She loves you and she needs you to be there for her, there is no more important bond in her life than her bond with you. Please listen to us when we say you need to take those antidepressants and get some counselling, life is worth it it really is and so are you.

[Superscientist]

Depression is temporary, OK its not a quick fix either but walking away will be long term.

These thoughts you are having are your depression talking. The world benefits from you being in it, your DD will benefit immensely from you being in her life as does everyone else. I have struggled with depression all my adult life and I can promise you everytime I have felt like you have getting my depression treated has made the thoughts and feelings go away.

Reach out lovely, help is there.

[PyongyangKipperbang]

You are more likely to come to the attention of people outside the family if it becomes clear that you are ill but refusing medical help. If you engage and work with your GP/HV/health services, there will be no "watch" at all. Just lots and lots of support.

Please, go back and tell the GP everything.

[katmarie]

Just to add as well, no one is going to put you or your DD on any kind of watch list. They will offer you help and support, and do whatever they can to give you the best chance as a family together. Your DD will only benefit from having a well mummy. Having been through PND twice, I can tell you there literally is no downside to seeking help. you just need to be brutally honest with your gp, and if that doesn't work, call your health visitor and get them to help too. Don't give up, I promise, things can be so much better.

[BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz]

The best place for you to be is by your daughters side. Stepping out of her life will cause her more heartake than her having whatever you kind of mum you think you are.

You need some antidepressants OP. You are in a fog. What you think is the only way out is just the only path that seems visible right now. ADs will lift that fog and other paths will reveal themselves to you.

That path that you see now - no child would ever benefit from their parents taking it.

You clearly adore your dd. And no doubt she you. Please, ask for some medication from your GP.

[Nighttimenope]

I agree with everyone - your GP/health visitor should know how to help you, and I would even email what u have written here as a starting point. You are such a wonderful mother, it’s so hard to see just now but your lovely wee girl needs you more than any other human!
And you won’t make her feel like you. I have 3 kids and none of them are a bit like me- I am a laid back, contemplative, sunny, compliant person. My oldest is quite anxious and ‘glass half empty’, my second is always on the go and laughing, and my third is just a bit older than your wee one, and he hasn’t fully emerged yet but so far he seems quite uninterested in baby things and much more interested in my time! Instead, you will start to feel better, and you will enjoy your time all the more with her when you do. Please touch base with someone again, and know that this is something so many of us go through. It’s particularly tough in the current climate.

[Georgielovespie]

You can't see this because you are inside it, everyone here is standing on the outside and can see that you need help.

The best thing you can do is go into that kind of detail with your GP, it is the truth as you see it.

You are ill, you need help, and you will feel better with help. That despair will lift. You can do this for your daughter. Contact your GP now.

[NoParticularPattern]

The only “mark” you will leave by seeking help and going in to the gory details is that her mummy realised she needed help and that she asked for it. At a time when you are struggling asking for help is not a bad thing or a stick to beat you with, it’s quite possibly the bravest thing you will ever do in your life. It is ok to tell them all the details, they are not going to do anything but try to help you.

[lanthanum]

Your baby is happy - you quite clearly are good enough for her. She's only 5 months, and she doesn't need masses of entertainment - just gradually discovering the world around her will be quite enough. Talk to her, even if it's only a running commentary on what you're doing - I remember the first time I was hanging up the washing and my daughter started saying "daddy's socks" - just as I'd said so many times!

Swimming, beaches, zoos - they can all come later, when the virus is less of a worry and she's old enough to toddle about.

I've always thought the baby groups are more for the sanity of the mums than for the babies! It's tough when there aren't the usual opportunities for interaction. If not wanting to go to your friend's is nervousness about distancing, talk to her about it - say you're nervous and you're happy to come but only if everyone's happy to be strict about it. If that's too much, suggest getting together using zoom/skype, so at least you get a bit of interaction with your friend.

I totally agree about giving the counselling a go. You clearly need some help at the moment, and you can get through this.

You obviously found it hard to talk to the GP, and I wonder if you underplayed things with them. If so, print off what you've written on here and take that (no, it's probably a telephone appointment, isn't it - ask them if you can email it through). It's often a lot easier to let them read than to explain. It might be that you need some medication as well as the counselling.

[Eileithyiaa]

Namechange there is no watch list, or anything of the sort.

I told the GP I kept fantasising about harming myself and they didn't refer me to SS. Just listened, took me seriously and offered medication and CBT.

I felt like a different person, please take the advise of the GP who commented above. Please.

[CrazyToast]

Your baby will not be better off without you. Leaving her is likely to make her life much much worse and you should not leave. She needs you and loves you.

Depression will make you think this way and feel this way. Medication really worked for me.

[Eileithyiaa]

There is absolutely nothing to be ashamed of

It's quite literally a chemical imbalance in your brain.

If you had an infection, you would take antibiotics, same difference. Just because it's your mental health doesn't mean it's any different, it's treatable.

The longer you leave it the harder it will be to treat.