To leave DH with DD

[namechange0086]

DD is 5 months old, she’s our first baby.

The love I feel for her is like nothing I’ve ever felt before, but I’m struggling.

Since giving birth and the start of the pandemic, I’ve become an anxious mess.

Most days all I can think about is death.
I worry so much about death and I’m at the point of thinking, what is the point in life?

I feel like I’ve lost all motivation for living, because 1 there’s a pandemic and life will never be as it was, and 2 death is just awaiting us all.

I don’t feel suicidal. I just don’t feel motivation for life.

I look at my beautiful baby and I feel so sad and guilty that she has me as her mum.
She should be my motivation, and she absolutely is, but I feel like every day I’m failing at being a mum and she would be better off if I weren’t in her life.

I’m too anxious to meet up with other mum friends because of Covid, and on top of that I’ve gained weight so I feel really uncomfortable about myself.
I was 12 stone before pregnancy so not exactly slim, but I am now 15stone 8!!!Nothing fits and I have zero motivation to lose weight because food is the one thing that I get comfort from. 😔

We spend our days at home or going for walks with very little interaction with other people.

We do online classes and I interact with my baby but I don’t feel like we’re doing enough.
I worry she’s bored or doesn’t have enough stimulation.

DH is at work and by the time he gets home I’m just a moaning mess because I’ve sat on my thoughts all day about how much I’m desperate to get back to normality but I lack any confidence / motivation to change.

Our friends have invited us round to their house next week.
I don’t want to go, but at the same time I’m screaming at myself to go.
I feel so terrible I just can’t, I won’t enjoy myself because Covid will just be on my mind!

I had dreams of taking my DD on holidays, swimming, Zoo’s trips to the beach with ice cream.
All of those seem impossible now, how can I go and enjoy that when I’ve got to constantly think about how close I am to people and if I’ve touched anything that’s contaminated with Covid!

It absolutely breaks my heart to think this and it’s so hard to write this down, but I’m considering leaving DH & DD because I can no longer put them thorough this misery.

I desperately don’t want DD to EVER EVER end up like me. But what hope does she have.

She's such a beautiful and happy baby and I want her to always stay that way.

DH is the total opposite to me and she will be so much better off with him, he will be a positive influence on her.

I love them both so so much but I can’t condemn them to my sad way of life.

I’ve spoken to my GP about how I feel and she’s recommended some counselling but all I can think is, what’s the point, I’m going to die one day and I’m never going to be good enough for my baby.

I know all of this sounds very pitiful and self wallowing, but I’m sat with uncontrollable tears as I write this. I feel so bad.

I just don't know what to do anymore.

[IWantASexPond]

I felt very similar to how you do now after the birth of my first baby.

I saw my GP who prescribed me meds & referred me to counselling (CBT).

It really did help, you have nothing to lose by trying - things can’t get much worse for you right now so give yourself the chance to see if these things will make you feel better.

Your baby needs YOU (& their father) - no one can replace you, focus on helping yourself to feel better & then you will be the Mum you want to be for your baby.

[ravenmum]

Leaving your baby would be bad for her. When your depression is gone, you'll understand that. I've been in this state of mind before, recognise the thoughts you are having and believe me, the way things seem now is not the way things are.

Speak to your GP again and don't be afraid to tell her everything, as you have told us here. You have to make it clear to her what state you are in so that you can get suitable medication. It's no good downplaying anything or just giving her the general gist.

Have you said to your dh how you feel? Do you think he would be empathetic?

[Annonymiss123]

@namechange0086 Firstly, don't worry about your baby being bored. You are the centre of her world and she adores you.

I agree with what other people have said about contacting your GP again asap. I would also suggest that you show your DH this thread when he gets home from work. PND is extremely common, unfortunately, but you don't have to suffer in silence.

One day you'll be the experienced mum giving advice to another young mum who's struggling. x

[HemulenHouse]

You sound very poorly. You don’t think you are because that’s part of the illness - you’ll only realise once you’re better. Please go and see your GP.

[category12]

It sounds like you have bad Post Natal Depression, OP.

You need to see your GP and start medication. I don't think you need counselling, it's probably your brain chemicals all out of whack. It's extremely common and very fixable.

Your baby needs you. Stick around a bit longer, get help, call your HV and GP or get your DH to do it for you.

Things can and will look different with support.

[sadeyedladyofthelowlandsea]

OP, please, PLEASE listen to me. I have been exactly where you are. Except I didn't get help soon enough, and I ended up in hospital because of what I did to myself. I genuinely do understand how you feel, because in my head I knew I was doing the right thing by leaving my DC without me because they would only ever be damaged by me. I just thought 'well, they'll be sad for a bit, but I'm giving them a chance of happiness if I'm not in their lives'

I can't believe I ever felt that way now. They would never have gotten over it. So now, 15yo DS is upstairs in his bedroom, having given me a hug when he got up at lunchtime. 12yo DD is sitting next to me, reading a book. They take my presence entirely for granted, as they should do. I tell them off, they get annoyed with me, I nag them... but we laugh so much together, the three of us. I was lucky, I was found in time, and I got help. So can you.
I know this feels like the right thing for you to do, almost like some kind of noble sacrifice, but it really, really isn't. You can get better, you will get better. It's going to take time, and a lot of days will make you feel worse, but you can do it. I did, so have so many other mums. You love your daughter, it's so clear she is the light of your life. Well, you're the light of hers too. You're her mum. Please go back to your GP and explain how your mind is working right now. And keep talking to us too. It was ten years ago that I got help. I have never regretted it.

[ravenmum]

This question is more for people who've gone through treatment for depression in the UK. Here in Germany, when you're in this condition, you'd be pretty likely to be referred to hospital for a while - I know a few people who've done this, and it sounds really helpful. Is there anything similar in the UK?

[Teakind]

OP, please don't think you are a bad mother. It sounds to me like you have post natal depression which can happen to anyone. I had it after the birth of my DS and was lucky that my health visitor was very helpful and supportive.

Is there a number to call in the red book you were given when your DD was born? There's an advice line number in there in mine.

Also, please call PANDAS. They've got a helpline number number and are really helpful. You can find more info on their site www.pandasfoundation.org.uk

Have you spoken to your DH about how you are feeling?

[namechange0086]

@ravenmum

Leaving your baby would be bad for her. When your depression is gone, you'll understand that. I've been in this state of mind before, recognise the thoughts you are having and believe me, the way things seem now is not the way things are.

Speak to your GP again and don't be afraid to tell her everything, as you have told us here. You have to make it clear to her what state you are in so that you can get suitable medication. It's no good downplaying anything or just giving her the general gist.

Have you said to your dh how you feel? Do you think he would be empathetic?

DH knows I'm struggling but I haven't told him my thoughts on leaving.
I think he would be very hurt.

It hurts me so much to even think about it.


But DD is honestly such a beautiful happy baby and it breaks my heart when I look at her and think I could make her so miserable and anxious by being in her life. 😔

I will call the GP back. I did go into detail about how I felt but maybe I was trying to keep brave so perhaps the full extent of how I feel wasn't obvious.

[MrsNoah2020]

OP, I can't give you medical advice, because it wouldn't be safe - I am not in a position to assess you properly. What I can promise you is that your GP will understand, and will not judge you. Every mother with PND feels ashamed and fearful- that is part of the illness. No one is going to take your baby away or put her on any kind of watch, apart from making sure that you have help and support. And, as soon as you are better, they won't even need to do that.

What you are feeling is normal for someone with significant PND - it is part of this horrible illness. Your GP will have looked after many women with symptoms like this before, I promise you. Please make that call: it's the first step to getting better and to enjoying your lovely DD.

[SeagoingSexpot]

@ravenmum

This question is more for people who've gone through treatment for depression in the UK. Here in Germany, when you're in this condition, you'd be pretty likely to be referred to hospital for a while - I know a few people who've done this, and it sounds really helpful. Is there anything similar in the UK?

@ravenmum there are inpatient mother and baby mental health units in the UK but not many beds and they would generally be for more severe illness than the OP's, say postnatal psychosis. PND is generally treated at home/in the community unless very severe. I'm not sure inpatient treatment would really be the right course in most cases anyway.

[HollowTalk]

Like you, I had post natal depression. It's overwhelming, isn't it? Later you'll realise that everything you were thinking at the time was skewed due to the depression.

Get some help with this as soon as you can. Ask your husband to speak to the doctor and to tell him/her that he's worried about you. Medication will really, really help you. You won't think it'll work, but it will.

Your daughter loves you more than anything in the world. One day, if you get help now, you will wake up and see that and will want a long life with her. You just need to make that move, or ask your husband to make that move, and ask for help now.

[HollowTalk]

Your daughter's a happy baby because she's got you in her life. You are her world. She knows you loved her right from the start and she will help you get better now.

[category12]

Tell your GP you suspect Post Natal Depression.

[endlessginandtonic]

I guess I just need someone to tell me it's the best decision to step away from poor DD.

Nobody is going to say this.
As a social worker I want to be really clear that social services are not going to be interested in a new mum seeking support for pnd.
It is a perfectly normal response to a common illness.
The only response would be excellent the mum is doing all the right things in seeking the right care from her GP and HV.
( I'm only mentioning this because I know it can be a worry sometimes)

[Anxietyqueen1987]

I'm so sorry that you are feeling so sad

I have been where you are and it really does get better, you've done the right thing by contacting your GP - maybe give them another call?

Can I also just add that you sound like you're doing a fantastic job even if you don't feel like it. Your baby is happy, you are taking part in online classes and you are managing to get out of the house for walks.

Call your GP again or make a self referal to IAPT? If you feel like you cant wait in the meantime maybe call a mental health charity like mind?

Have you spoken to your partner or family? Its really important that they know exactly how you are feeling, it might be the case that they are not aware how down you are.

I know it feels like it won't get better but it absolutely can and by you reaching out on here and to your GP you have made the first step.

Sending lots of love

[loveyouradvice]

Sending you much love and the knowledge you can come through this... My sister had this, and a good friend.... it is the most horrible illness. Just when you want to be most there for your baby this illness is playing games with your mind, so you can't

The one thing you need to remember is that your gorgeous happy baby wants you in their life MORE THAN ANYTHING - you are their mother - unbelievably precious.

Thinking of you as you get help - and echo showing your GP what you have written, or even asking if you can read it out to them as it makes it easier to say..... and I know that you will emerge and look back at this time, feeling sadness and love and real compassion for yourself having had to go through this....one day it will be a memory, for now it feels unbearable and you are doing so well just getting through the day - and most of all for reaching out for help - to people here, your GP and yes, your husband

[slowlyfailingaway]

You need to speak to someone, you wouldn't believe the amount of mums who feel this way, myself having been one of them. You are enough, your baby loves you and needs you. Have you spoke to your partner properly about this? If you are struggling with that, send him your original post in a text message, so it's out there, it's written down how you feel then you can work on moving forward. Please do this, your little girl needs you x

[Happydinosaur53]

You need to go back to the GP or see a different GP ASAP

[ravenmum]

Whether you tell your dh depends on whether he'll be understanding, really. Some people "get" what depression is like and can help.

I will call the GP back. I did go into detail about how I felt but maybe I was trying to keep brave so perhaps the full extent of how I feel wasn't obvious.
I know what you mean. No, it's really important not to be brave now! She needs to know the dark thoughts - she'll recognise the symptoms and be able to help you better.

You're doing really well getting help. If you don't get the help you need straight away, keep at it for your daughter's sake. She wants a mum.

[Okki]

I could've written your post 10 years ago. Please speak to your doctor again. I also told my DH everything about how I felt. It really will get better with help - whether that's counselling, medication or coping strategies. You're a VERY important person to your baby and she wants you to be her Mummy and look after her.

[ravenmum]

PND is generally treated at home/in the community unless very severe.
It mostly is here, too.

[LordOftheRingz]

Get help and counselling, all will be well. It is just a phase, take positive direct action. Having a baby can be massively overwhelming, but with help you can come through.

[Merryoldgoat]

It took me three visits to the doctor before I fully conveyed how miserable I was. I was in an absolute state. I couldn’t see how anything could get any better. That was a year ago.

It’s not perfect but medication and CBT saved my life.

Even if you aren’t sure it will work, isn’t it worth a try? Just to see if it can improve things?

You can do it and you’ll thank yourself for accepting help in the long run - I promise

[namechange0086]

Have you spoken to your partner or family? Its really important that they know exactly how you are feeling, it might be the case that they are not aware how down you are.

I have spoken to DH but I haven't told family.

I mean this as absolutely no disrespect to anyone suffering like I am, but I feel ashamed to tell people.
I feel like I have so much to be happy and grateful for yet all I can think about is death and how down I am. 😞