To leave DH with DD

[namechange0086]

DD is 5 months old, she’s our first baby.

The love I feel for her is like nothing I’ve ever felt before, but I’m struggling.

Since giving birth and the start of the pandemic, I’ve become an anxious mess.

Most days all I can think about is death.
I worry so much about death and I’m at the point of thinking, what is the point in life?

I feel like I’ve lost all motivation for living, because 1 there’s a pandemic and life will never be as it was, and 2 death is just awaiting us all.

I don’t feel suicidal. I just don’t feel motivation for life.

I look at my beautiful baby and I feel so sad and guilty that she has me as her mum.
She should be my motivation, and she absolutely is, but I feel like every day I’m failing at being a mum and she would be better off if I weren’t in her life.

I’m too anxious to meet up with other mum friends because of Covid, and on top of that I’ve gained weight so I feel really uncomfortable about myself.
I was 12 stone before pregnancy so not exactly slim, but I am now 15stone 8!!!Nothing fits and I have zero motivation to lose weight because food is the one thing that I get comfort from. 😔

We spend our days at home or going for walks with very little interaction with other people.

We do online classes and I interact with my baby but I don’t feel like we’re doing enough.
I worry she’s bored or doesn’t have enough stimulation.

DH is at work and by the time he gets home I’m just a moaning mess because I’ve sat on my thoughts all day about how much I’m desperate to get back to normality but I lack any confidence / motivation to change.

Our friends have invited us round to their house next week.
I don’t want to go, but at the same time I’m screaming at myself to go.
I feel so terrible I just can’t, I won’t enjoy myself because Covid will just be on my mind!

I had dreams of taking my DD on holidays, swimming, Zoo’s trips to the beach with ice cream.
All of those seem impossible now, how can I go and enjoy that when I’ve got to constantly think about how close I am to people and if I’ve touched anything that’s contaminated with Covid!

It absolutely breaks my heart to think this and it’s so hard to write this down, but I’m considering leaving DH & DD because I can no longer put them thorough this misery.

I desperately don’t want DD to EVER EVER end up like me. But what hope does she have.

She's such a beautiful and happy baby and I want her to always stay that way.

DH is the total opposite to me and she will be so much better off with him, he will be a positive influence on her.

I love them both so so much but I can’t condemn them to my sad way of life.

I’ve spoken to my GP about how I feel and she’s recommended some counselling but all I can think is, what’s the point, I’m going to die one day and I’m never going to be good enough for my baby.

I know all of this sounds very pitiful and self wallowing, but I’m sat with uncontrollable tears as I write this. I feel so bad.

I just don't know what to do anymore.

[Hohohole]

You can feel much better this is just a phase. I suffered from bouts of depression but I've always come through it. I had counselling about 3 years ago and haven't been depressed since.
It really helps to organise your thoughts and to shift feelings of shame or blame.
I'm sorry you are feeling so shitty, but it's not permanent.

[flowerbombVR]

Your post has made me feel so sad for you op. You definitely ARE everything your precious baby needs. What stands out through your post is so many plans pulled from under your feet. You are precious. Please believe me when I say this, You deserve to be happy and enjoying being a mummy. And you will my dear. Please please listen to the posters advising you to speak to your GP again. I would definitely recommend anti depressants to help you get back on track. Your hormones will be imbalanced, especially after giving birth at this strange time. My heart is hurting for you and I would love to give you a cuddle. You are doing the right thing by chatting about it and the love you have for your family just shines through your posts.
Speak to your partner, make the call and even knowing that you can and you are doing something about these feeling will hopefully lift you that little bit.

You will get there love. Keep writing here and you will get support through this xxx

[backseatcookers]

You poor thing, I'm so sorry you feel this way.

I was terrified by my behaviour before I was diagnosed with bipolar and I know my friends who have had PND felt the same before their diagnosis.

Something that helped me was being told that my symptoms were absolutely textbook. I worry to other people that might be dismissive but to me it reassured me that my behaviour during manic / depressed periods doesn't define me, it is due to my brain which is out of my control.

I also have epilepsy and as my GP said to me, I would never feel ashamed to say I had that or feel it's my fault. Think about that - if you got another illness would you feel ashamed?

So I'm going to say to you that though you're an individual (and you sound so lovely and articulate) and we can't diagnose you, your opening post describes symptoms that are so so textbook, classic PND.

They are NOT your fault. You are not a bad mum. The fact you are thinking of your little one in all this proves that. You are centring her in your thoughts which is lovely. But you need to centre you while you feel so very low. What does your little one need? She needs you to be healthy and happy.

Please do push your GP for support, they will not be shocked by your thoughts or tell you you're a bad mum, they will have heard similar from many mums many times before and if it is PND a mixture of medication and counselling is likely to change your life and get your old self back.

If it's helping then keep talking on here as so many people have been through similar and can provide support.

Sending you much love

[Chig]

The GP will help, it will get better.

[MumW]

Post Natal depression is nothing to be ashamed of, no depression is.

Pregnacy and childbirth put your body chemistry through a rollercoaster ride at the best of times. Add in a pandemic when you aren't getting the support a new mother usually gets (HV clinics, mums and tots, family and friends visiting etc) and it's no wonder that your body has struggled to reset. Your brain is just off kilter and counselling/medication is a way to sort that out.

I'm sure you wouldn't think twice about taking iron for anaemia and this is no different except, for some reason, when it comes to MH as opposed to nutritional health we get all hung up and embarassed.

Please talk to someone or show them this thread. You can get this sorted with a little help.

Congratulations on the birth of your baby.

[Isitbedtimeyet4]

I can 100% guarantee that when your daughter looks at you her entire life lights up. You are always going to be enough for her
Please speak to your GP again, get the help you need to help you realise just how much your daughter loves you because I really promise you that she does

[Justjoshin22]

Just a hand hold from me. It’s hard being a first time mum and Covid has added an extra layer of worry. You’re a great mum and it sounds like you have a supportive partner.
As the posters above have said - reach out, ask for help and remember that you will not always feel like this. You will not feel hopeless forever and you will regain your confidence. But you need to reach out.good luck xxx

[JaneDoe7]

I felt just like you 6 months ago. I didn't even have Covid / lockdown to deal with but I wondered if my son might be better off without me and I was really struggling.

I managed to get some help (counselling worked for me but I would have gone the medication routh if it hadn't).

I am so grateful. I was so wrong and I can see now just how low I had got. I hadn't experienced anything like it before so it was hard to recognise while I was in it, but now looking back I can see just how depressed and anxious I was.

Things are still hard sometimes but they are SO much better.
Please don't feel ashamed about it - so may women go through it after having a baby but it doesn't get spoken about much unfortunately.

The best thing you can do for your daughter is be there for her. You obviously love her so much.

[namechange0086]

[quote mylittlesandwich]@namechange0086 did you tell your GP how you honestly felt or did you try to dress it up? [/quote]
@mylittlesandwich

I don't think I dressed it up, but I didn't feel as upset telling the Gp how I felt as I did writing this post.
I think writing it was a lot easier as I could really say exactly how I felt.

[Misscoffeecrazy3]

It really sounds like you have PND. I was diagnosed a few months ago, and have just finished my course of CBT. It’s made the world of difference for me and I’ve recovered. It helps you identify the thoughts you’re having and address them.

[Misscoffeecrazy3]

I can also identify with your feelings of shame about it. I felt just the same until my SIL (who has suffered also) said ‘you’re ill, not weak. You wouldn’t be embarrassed of getting help for a broken leg so don’t be embarrassed about this’ that really opened my eyes that it wasn’t something I could help or ‘snap out of’ I needed real help. So glad I took that step

[Foxinsocks1]

This sounds like classic PND. I’ve been there. Ring your HV on Monday and let them know how you’re feeling. Self refer to your local talking therapies (IAPT) services, usually it’s CBT for PND, make an appointment with your GP for medication and talk to your family to let them know you’ll need their support

[mylittlesandwich]

@namechange0086 I was the same, write it down and then when you speak to them just read what you've written. You can tell them you've written it down in advance. I did that, I was fortunate in that I was able to see a GP face to face and give her what I'd written.

[AstridAv]

Hi.. i can relate for a few reasons. I have 2 children. One is 17 months and I am really really struggling with anxiety. Its hard. The current situation doesn't help either. I am currently undergoing therapy to help and everyday feels like a battle with my brain so believe me I understand you.
I am sorry you are feeling this way but your daughter and husband will not be better without you.
My mum left me for similar reasons and I've never gotten over it 20 years later. You will, in time, find a way to get through this but please do not think for one moment that you would be doing DD a favour by walking away.

Feel free to dm me if you would like to, I am always around for a chat. Sending an unmumsnetty hug.

[namechange0086]

Thank you all so much for the support.

I feel like this is honestly the first time I've been truly been open about how I bad i really really feel.


I was so frightened that the responses would confirm that I am failing as a mum and don't deserve my baby.


I think in all honesty that's why I struggled to open up to the GP, I thought she would think I'm as terrible as I think I am.

Thank you all. I can't tell you how it feels to be open about it and hear other peoples experiences.

[Pixie2015]

I am with the others contact your health visitor / GP again - it can be so hard to speak and explain when your mind is racing - if you felt comfortable you could share your original post with them. I remember I had lots of ideas when I had my first child of what we could do in reality it wasn’t practical - next year they will get so much more out of activities and groups.
Take care and support is available over weekend in AE and from out of hour Gp services xxx

[Misscoffeecrazy3]

No one will be as critical of you as you are of yourself. GPS are very familiar with PND and my therapist said they’ve never had so many new mums on their books as they have since lockdown so you’re not alone and they will absolutely not judge you. I told my Gp everything including that I was having thoughts of harming my baby. She was absolutely understanding and non judgmental x

[mylittlesandwich]

@namechange0086 if you want someone to talk to any time, you're welcome to PM me, DS is only 7 months so he's not much older than your wee one.

[VeniceQueen2004]

You poor thing. You have depression, it's a cruel pernicious illness and it took my mum from me. Don't let it take you from your little girl.

Please go back to the GP and explain you can't see any point in counselling and can't get the motivation right now to try it, and ask for some form of medication as a stopgap to help you get back to a place where you can strive to feel better. And please if there is anyone in your life you feel like you can lean on, lean hard. They love you, they will carry you until you can carry yourself again. This is not your fault and you are not a bad person for feeling this way, any more than someone with cancer is at fault. You have an illness; there is treatment. You will recover. But you can't do it without all the help that is there for you xxx

[FanSpamTastic]

I wanted to give you some hope that things will be better one day. It might take time - it might take medication - it might take counselling - it might be something else that works for you.

I went through something similar with DD2 at around 5 months post natal. I had not had PND issues with DD1. We moved house when DD2 was about 8 weeks old and I lost my local support of other mums and my family as it was about 100 miles away. It was winter and I found it really hard to get outside. DD1 and DD2 never seemed to sleep at the same time and I was up half the night feeding. I was literally exhausted.

I felt hopeless, useless and that every one would be better off without me. I couldn't even walk to the local shops because the path went near a pond and I was convinced I would end up in the pond. I used to make my husband come home from work at lunchtime because I couldn't get through the day.

I spoke to my HV about the exhaustion and not being able to get out to groups with the 2 children. We didn't discuss PND but she asked lots of questions about life, how I felt, what I was doing etc. She ended up arranging a childcare placement student to come and spend time with us for a month. The student helped me with the children and we managed to get out to baby groups. Having the student around made me get up and washed and dressed each day. She played with the kids and did activities with them, which gave me time to do proper cooking and made me feel more capable. Gradually I started to feel better and more inclined to try new things in the new town. It took time.

Please be gentle with yourself and recognise that this is a temporary imbalance. If you had a broken arm then you would go seek medical advice to make it better. Something is out of balance and is causing this feeling you have. It may be possible to resolve with medication or it might need some other course of treatment. You won't know until you see the doctor. If you can't talk to them - just print out your first post and take it with you for them to read.

[Purpleheadgirl]

Keep this thread, or the same things, written down. Then if you can't tell the gp or nurse how you feel you can pass them the note to read. Once they know truly how you feel, things can only get better....and they really well. X

[Thatnameistaken]

"But DD is honestly such a beautiful happy baby"

This ^^
Your baby is happy and beautiful because you have made her that way. You grew her and brought her into the world and that is an amazing thing. You have been doing all the right things to make her the happy baby she is, you are very capable but you are suffering from post natal depression. Many of us have been there and come out of the other side. Your DD and DH need you so much, please find the available help and get well again, it can be done

[Justaboy]

I was so frightened that the responses would confirm that I am failing as a mum and don't deserve my baby.

Thats absolutely not true at all!!!

I think in all honesty that's why I struggled to open up to the GP, I thought she would think I'm as terrible as I think I am.

Well at least a Female GP would nnderstand a womans problems!, go see her and open up to her, dont be embarrased or ashamed shes there to help you .

And keep posting for support I think this whole board is willing you on to gert the help you need and get better to enjoy your babe:)

[SideEyeing]

I could have written this. Seeing you write almost exactly what I feel on a daily basis and knowing my reaction to you is "you need support and help" makes me think maybe I really do too.

I don't know what else to say but you're not alone.

[nonicknameseemsavailable]

oh gosh I was there. when I had my first, and then with my surprise second. I can fully sympathise with how you are feeling. PLEASE believe me when I say it will get better. Trust me I was trying to work out a way to crash the car and kill myself with it looking like an accident, not because I wanted to kill myself but because I just didn't think I was good enough for my baby and thought that my husband and baby would be better off without me. but now I realise they wouldn't have been at all. It hasn't been easy I won't lie but 13 years later....

I took antidepressents for a couple of years. I don't remember what sort they were. I stopped breastfeeding to take them. I started asking for help and I was honest with people. It took guts to do it at first but it was amazing how many people said to me a few years later how grateful they were I had been honest about how i was feeling as they had been too with their babies but hadn't had the confidence to admit it to anyone. I really wish they had (and I told them so later when they did) as then I would have felt so much better knowing it wasn't just me.

Please speak to whoever you think you feel comfortable with, health visitor, GP, whoever. I turned up at my drs in tears and they said they had no appointments, a neighbour was there with an appointment and saw me and told them to give me her appointment, she came in with me. That little bit of support makes all the difference. Remember also you will be very tired at the moment, probably depleted in vitamins and minerals too and it all adds up to making things seem even worse.

but most of all please never think you are the only one feeling like this, I can guarantee you there are some other women feeling the same or similar, not everyone obviously, but enough to be a signficant number. xxx