AIBU to be upset about my sisters reaction to my pregnancy?

[helloiamnewhere]

Hello, my sister and I are very close in age and both recently got married to our long term partners. I have a young step son who's mother is not involved and he is my world, my sister and her partner do not yet have any children. My sister told me and our Mum she was pregnant late last year but unfortunately lost the baby at six weeks pregnant. This was very sad as she has always wanted to be a mother and has been grieving ever since. Shortly after she lost the baby I found out I was pregnant, I put off telling her for longer than I normally would have as I was worried about her reaction following their loss. When I told her she burst into tears and drove home and then didn't speak to me for two weeks (we normally speak daily). I was really upset about this but understood her reaction. I have put off celebrating my birth and doing some of the things I would have done because I want to be tactful to my sister. She started speaking to me again and tried to act happy for me but then I announced by birth on social media at seven months and she has not spoken to me since (I am due in three week). I am so upset as I want my sister to be involved in the babies life. Obviously this is a very tough time for her as she has not been able to conceive following her miscarriage nine months ago. My mother is caught up in the middle of the situation and tensions are running high. Has anyone ever been in a similar situation? I keep reaching out to my sister but she said she is too upset to speak to me :(

[diddl]

@bee222

100% with stepawayfromgoogle on this.

Me too.

I'm sure that she is happy for you, OP, but also overwhelmed by her own loss & thinking that what you are going through she should have also.

She's dealing with it how she sees fit.

I'm not sure why she should apologise for that in the future either!

[Jellybeansincognito]

Where do you draw the line though? @diddl be it now, or in 10-20-30 years. The reminder isn’t going away. Ops sister has 2 choices- act happy for her sister and be involved with her niece/nephew, or be bitter and jealous about her own problems and missing out on her new family member.

No one is saying she can’t grieve. But the rest of her behaviour is a choice and she isn’t being very nice.

[Jellybeansincognito]

I would @diddl, bring angry, jealous and bitter doesn’t change what you’ve lost.

Pushing people away doesn’t change it either.

The world keeps moving sadly.

[ittakes2]

Congrats on your pregnancy. Time is a healer. Let her know you will always be there if she wants to connect again and leave it. Grieving people don’t think straight.

[Alonelonelyloner]

Leave. Her. Alone.

You are heavily pregnant. Her baby would be 3 weeks old now (or just about). She isn't taking anything away from you. Do your pregnancy stuff and leave her to come to terms herself. Stop forcing yourself on her. Sweet mercy.

She isn't bothering you, she's leaving you alone. You're bothering her. It isn't all about you.

[AnneOfQueenSables]

As a PP said, she hasn't taken anything away from you. Blaming your DSIS for making you feel bad because she had a miscarriage is a breathtaking level of selfishness.
I'm sure you didn't deliberately announce your pregnancy around the point where your DSIS would have been giving birth but it does show that you're not considering her and that she hasn't really impacted on your experience.
You had a fantasy idea of how wonderful if would be to share your pregnancy with your DSIS. Your DSIS' dream was about having her baby. She has lost much more than you have and until you can see and appreciate that, you shouldn't spend time with her. Give her space to grieve.

[diddl]

"Where do you draw the line though? @diddl be it now, or in 10-20-30 years"

Well I've no idea & I don't feel it's for me or anyone else to say.

She doubtless won't get over it but will come to a point where she can accept Op's baby & be in their company.

She isn't there yet!

[HansBanans]

I had a MC in January at about 6-7 weeks. Since then 3 people I know have announced pregnancies with the most recent being one of my closest friends. With the first two I bawled my eyes out. After that I thought that I had to come to terms with it all however that latest announcement absolutely floored me as I'm more likely to see the baby on a regular basis. Your sister will need time but she will eventually come to terms with it. Maybe give her the space that she quite clearly wants and let her come around on her own terms.

[wildcherries]

@Alonelonelyloner

Leave. Her. Alone.

You are heavily pregnant. Her baby would be 3 weeks old now (or just about). She isn't taking anything away from you. Do your pregnancy stuff and leave her to come to terms herself. Stop forcing yourself on her. Sweet mercy.

She isn't bothering you, she's leaving you alone. You're bothering her. It isn't all about you.

I agree with all of this. Just leave her be. Your mother is probably in the middle of it because she doesn't leave her be either.

[NeutrinoWrangler]

She isn't wrong to be hurting, and you're not wrong to want to enjoy your pregnancy.

You're "allowed" to mention it on FB (though if it was right around the time that she'd have given birth, it's not surprising that it might have been particularly painful for her to see). What's the alternative? Pretend you're not having a baby? Not enjoy it? That's not a reasonable expectation, but maybe your sister is doing what she thinks is best for both of you by staying away until she's able to be happy for you without feeling completely devastated for herself.

As PP have said, I'd try to give your sister space and let her come to you when the time is right. You're disappointed that your sister isn't more involved in and supportive of your pregnancy, but she's missing out not only on that sister bonding experience, but on her child's whole life.

Emotional healing requires time. Try not to take it personally.

[Teapotdespot]

Unless you’ve been your sister in this situation you cannot imagine the feeling, which is why you’re both struggling here.

I’ve had miscarriages and no luck conceiving a viable pregnancy for 5 years now in which time many friends and relatives have successfully had children and you cannot know the utter bone deep longing that comes after a miscarriage and if like your sister you have no proof yet that you can even have children successfully at all, the pain of that alone can be devastating. Right now, you have the thing that your sister is absolutely desperate for and doesn’t know if she can ever have. Even if you don’t mean it to and you’re understanding which it sound like you are, absolutely everything related to your pregnancy will feel like salt in the wound to her. She’s done incredibly well to be around you at all, if you’d told me in person like that I’d have done exactly the same as your sister, that was really tone deaf of you. You should have told her in a way that gave her time to react in private.

Expecting her to be excited for you and to talk to you about your pregnancy is incredibly selfish. YABVVVVVU to be upset with her for that. She’s not ready and that’s not your fault, but it’s not hers either.

Leave her alone, the only way your relationship survives long term is if you let her come to you. That might mean she doesn’t talk to you for a while and doesn’t share the first few months with your baby, and that’s absolutely fine. You have enough joy in your life without expecting her to bring you some too. Leave her be.

[BlancoNita]

Im sorry but its really unfair of her to treat you like this just because she lost her baby, from what I understand you were there and supportive of her, you cant exactly help it if your pregnant and shes not?
I would let her simmer , try and enjoy your pregnancy or else once she does move on and maybe gets pregnant again and wants to play happy families you'll realise how much she shadowed your special time.

[dairyfairies]

I have had miscarriages and they are hard esp when friends have babies around the same time.

But your sister is acting incredibly immature. Of course it is hard for her but you didn't get pregnant to upset her. She clearly is unable to separate your pregnancy from her own loss. To behave this way so many months later is pretty crap.

I would give her space, do your thing - after all, you cannot put your life on hold because of her behaviour.

keep your door open but in the end, she needs to make the first move. It's up to her, not you. You cannot fix that. only she can.

[PositivelyPrecious]

@ladymary86 with respect you are assuming how the sister is acting. Op hasn’t elaborated. Maybe the mother is in the middle because op wanting her sister involved means she doesn’t understand why her sister won’t organise her baby shower and be involved in planning it. In which case the op is being selfish not the sister.

@helloiamnewhere has not said what she is expecting from her sister or why her mother is in the middle.

[MidnightCitrus]

@ladymary86 again, sister might not be up to seeing a happy pregnant sister, who is due to have a baby, around the same time that she was meant to.

Sister wants to be left alone - she doesnt want to see pregnant sister, she doesnt want their mum asking why she doesnt want to see sister, she wants to be left alone

OP can put stuff on facebook, (or not) as she likes, she can do all the things she wants to, just not with sister

[back2good]

Your sister is being unreasonable and behaving selfishly. I'm sorry, OP. Your pregnancy was not a dig at your sister.

And, tbh, I think all these very early pregnancy tests have contributed to a bigger sense of loss that wasn't there before for so many.

[TheOrigBrave]

I think the timing has been unfortunate.

She was still grieving her loss when you became pregnant.

And now she find she hasn't been able to conceive for 9 months.
I am fortunate in that I have never experienced the crushing disappointment of finding you're not pregnant month after month. It must be all consuming.

I do think it wasn't wise to post your news on SM so soon after you two had started talking again. That relationship should have been your priority. Surely the people you want to know about your pregnancy don't need to be told via SM.

[CatteStreet]

'Leave. Her. Alone.

You are heavily pregnant. Her baby would be 3 weeks old now (or just about). She isn't taking anything away from you. Do your pregnancy stuff and leave her to come to terms herself. Stop forcing yourself on her. Sweet mercy.

She isn't bothering you, she's leaving you alone. You're bothering her. It isn't all about you.'

This.

You are not BU to be upset with her, but you would BU to make it all about you and your disappointment.
She is not BU to be struggling to come to terms with this. She may be BU, a bit, to be avoiding you, but I do believe that in most situations, it is better to cut the one who's having the hardest time the most slack. And that is absolutely your sister. right now.

[back2good]

I also think social media is the way a lot of people communicate these days, especially since no one is allowed out to be seeing everyone like they used to. OP has done nothing wrong in that regard.

[ToBBQorNotToBBQ]

Your sister is obviously hurting. There is nothing you can do. Do enjoy your pregnancy though. I am sure she will love your child when they meet.

[TwilightPeace]

But your sister is acting incredibly immature.

But she’s not actually DOING anything other than being quiet and isolating herself while she grieves.

Your sister is in pain OP. Find other people to get support from and stop acting like your sisters suffering is a personal dig towards you.

[Supersimkin2]

Going into full-on mourning for a year after a very early miscarriage is pushing it - Dsis' issue is worries that she's infertile.

Equally, expecting other people to be as enthusiastic about your life events as you are is pushing it - your issue is that you're expecting too much from others.

You're both going to each other with nothing but demands - that can't work.

Leave each other be and see what happens when the baby is born.

[ArticFreeze]

I have been in a very similar situation and I’m afraid your sister is being very self centred in her reactions. I can understand she’s grieving but she should be happy for you and show that despite her grief.

So my situation... my sister in law got pregnant first and then had a miscarriage. There was no worse upset than her loss. I then got pregnant and she hardly acknowledged it. Sadly I lost my baby too and then just weeks later she was pregnant again. I was happy for her even though it hurt and rang her to congratulate her. The worst part was I had to sit and listen to her going on and on about how she couldn’t believe she had a baby growing inside her, how excited she was, etc. It hurt to hear all these things but I kept quiet. Thankfully a few months later I was pregnant too.

I hope your sister is pregnant soon and your relationship can heal.

[Keeva2017]

@Bluntness100 has articulated it well.

[Neednewwellies]

Leave her to come round.
However, you say your mum is caught in the middle. I really do hope your sister is not expecting your mum not to be ecstatic about your news; not to dote and spend lots of time with the new grandchild because this would be incredibly selfish of her. Incredibly. If she wishes to stay away because it’s so painful then that’s her choice. But she cannot and should not expect everyone else to act as though it isn’t happening.