AIBU to be upset about my sisters reaction to my pregnancy?

[helloiamnewhere]

Hello, my sister and I are very close in age and both recently got married to our long term partners. I have a young step son who's mother is not involved and he is my world, my sister and her partner do not yet have any children. My sister told me and our Mum she was pregnant late last year but unfortunately lost the baby at six weeks pregnant. This was very sad as she has always wanted to be a mother and has been grieving ever since. Shortly after she lost the baby I found out I was pregnant, I put off telling her for longer than I normally would have as I was worried about her reaction following their loss. When I told her she burst into tears and drove home and then didn't speak to me for two weeks (we normally speak daily). I was really upset about this but understood her reaction. I have put off celebrating my birth and doing some of the things I would have done because I want to be tactful to my sister. She started speaking to me again and tried to act happy for me but then I announced by birth on social media at seven months and she has not spoken to me since (I am due in three week). I am so upset as I want my sister to be involved in the babies life. Obviously this is a very tough time for her as she has not been able to conceive following her miscarriage nine months ago. My mother is caught up in the middle of the situation and tensions are running high. Has anyone ever been in a similar situation? I keep reaching out to my sister but she said she is too upset to speak to me :(

[OoohTheStatsDontLie]

I would message her to say you understand that she is hurting, you are there for her and want to support her, but it's a strange situation and you're not sure how. That you love her and you will give her the space she clearly wants, but you are looking forward to talking when she is ready, and to let you know when that is. And then back off, and make sure that you hide her from any social media announcements. And don't discuss it with your mum so she doesnt feel like she is in the middle

[SerenDippitty]

It would have been better if you had told her by text so that she could have this reaction in private and be in a better position to be able to congratulate you in person.

I had a few similar reactions when caught off guard by pregnancy news but this was before text messaging.

For now I would just leave her be she will come round when she's ready.

[PositivelyPrecious]

I think it’s unfair that everyone is calling your sister selfish. What could be more selfish than a person knowing that their sister is going through a very difficult time and mired in grief but still saying well I’m happy so she needs to be super happy for me and interested in me having a baby because that’s what I want and if it makes her feel worse who cares as long as I’m happy and she’s making me feel good by being involved. Life is not fair. Your sister is finding that out. You are the lucky one. Can you not just be grateful for what you have and appreciate your sister is having a difficult time. Wanting it to be all about you and the baby and getting your mum involved is just childish.

Honestly people are so mean to women with fertility issues. Basically saying well squish all those awful depressed feelings you have down I don’t care about them and be all happy and involved in me having the one thing you want more than anything. Otherwise you’re selfish and mean.

[PurpleDaisies]

Agree with the majority. Just give her space.

[Malbecblooms]

You need to be more understanding. You world is perfect, you are due a baby. Her world fell apart and feels very empty. There is no pain like it.

She has to see her mum become a grandma and everyone dote on baby she can't have.

She deserves to be cut every bit of slack she needs.

I see people all the time on here talk about "protecting mental health" for very trivial reasons like lockdown but very little sympathy for infertility.

[Malbecblooms]

Fwiw I only met my nephew once in his first year of life as he was born a week after the due date of a baby we lost after 4 years of IVF

[WhenISnappedAndFarted]

I also agree with the majority - give her some space.

[diddl]

I know we all do things differently-but why an announcement on FB?

It could be that whatever you do your sister will find fault, but I can only agree with others-leave her to get in contact if/when she's ready.

She should have not long ago been where you are.

I can't imagine her pain.

If she feels that she can't see/contact you atm, who is to tell her that she is wrong?

She feels how she does & is doing what she feels is best for her.

[MissMadEyeMoody]

Whilst it's a happy time for you, you need to also remember she is still grieving. She's seeing in you, what she lost, and it is incredibly hard. You said she's just gone what would have been her due date, and that brings back all the pain. Give her some time.

I miscarried at 17 weeks, and what should have been the 1st birthday of my baby, my niece was born and I won't lie, every year since it stings a little to celebrate her and not my baby. She will come around.

[malificent7]

I think you should cut her some slack. She obviously isn't going to be over the moon op. It's not personal.

[Keeva2017]

How sad for your sister and I understand her need for space but she is being rude. It costs her nothing to send a text occasionally even if she can’t see you right now.

She is punishing you and although it’s ok and right for her to prioritise her mental health and keep some distance if she needs it, from your description she is causing you pain by her actions and that is not ok.

Give her time but celebrate your baby because she will celebrate hers one day (hopefully) and you don’t want to feel resentful.

[Keeva2017]

@MissMadEyeMoody what an unfortunate and devastating coincidence. My heart really goes out to you, can’t imagine how you got your head around that.

[justponderingg]

It is obviously such a difficult and sensitive situation, and a miscarriage is immensely painful, but really she needs to try to find a way move forward with this and repair your relationship.

You didn't get pregnant to spite her or hurt her. You have every right to start a family and share your happy news. You haven't done anything wrong.

If she carries this on she is going to cause long term damage to not only your relationship, but her relationship with your child and cause a rift between the family. And for what? Because you happened to fall pregnant shortly after she suffered a miscarriage. That's not minimising her loss, but her reaction to you personally I don't agree with.

She is of course allowed to take all the time she needs to grieve and process her loss, and she should be able to take a step back from the excitement over your pregnancy, but she can do this without showing so much resentment and anger towards you.

She really needs to think about how she could damage her closest relationships in the long term, how will she feel if/when she falls pregnant again and wants all of the excitement and happiness and she has damaged her relationship with you beyond repair?

[WendyHoused]

YABU to not allow her to come to terms with it in her own time.

I know you love her and want her to be happy for you. Leave her to come to you when she’s ready.

[Nokita]

Dreaming of being a mother and struggle with infertility and miscarriage at any stage is not easy at all and I think everyone reacts in a different way. I think you’re being really caring with your sister and sure she will understand that one day, maybe now she’s still hurt, but don’t take it personally, is just the situation itself. Seeing your pregnancy and your baby is a constant remind for her that she is “incapable”. Just give her time to heal and also try to speak with her explaining that you miss her.

I was Ttc for a year when my BF brought the news she was expecting an unplanned baby, I remember that I cried for hours in a mix of happiness and sadness, when her baby born I had a miscarriage (First pregnancy) and was really hard for me To bond with her baby and pay visits to her (I saw her and the kid once after this). When finally I though I was able to build the relation she announced she was expecting again an unplanned pregnancy, at this time my partner was the one saying that I could go to visit her and was when I realised how much hurt and depressed I was. I love her and the baby, but being around was just to painful. Thankfully I’m due to September after 3y ttc and now I can be on our normal relationship, I know it sounds very selfish but we all have our struggles.

[welshladywhois40]

I am sorry op but you can't imagine the wall of pain your sister could be going through.

You need to let her grieve and cope as best she can. Having had miscarriages its a dark place and seeing other people especially someone who is close is really tough for her.

Give her space and when she is ready she will come to you.

[Chloemol]

I get your sister is upset, however you have been very tactful, and she needs to understand her whole family can’t put their life in hold.

I would now just leave her to it and let her make the next move

[Sceptre86]

Your sister is in pain and you are giving her time and space to come around. However, this is your first pregnancy and you should be able to enjoy it and not walk on eggshells to save her from pain. Hopefully she will go on to have children of her own. However she doesn't get to make you feel you are doing anything wrong by enjoying your own pregnancy and being excited.

My sil had two late miscarriages and whilst I had my children she asked after the babies a lot. She held them as much as she wanted to. I didn't share what I had bought for my first child with her so as not to cause any unnecessary upset but I deserved to enjoy my first pregnancy just as she did hers.

Having a miscarriage doesn't excuse your sister's behaviour. Hopefully she will be in contact soon but if it was me I think I would resent that I couldn't enjoy my pregnancy fully due to her behaviour. It would be nice if she acknowledged this and apologised to you.

[notalwaysalondoner]

I think @OoohTheStatsDontLie advice is great.

As someone who recently had a miscarriage, and who also has multiple friends with small babies or who are pregnant, it’s tough. I can only imagine if it was my own sister AND her dates happened to be really close to the pregnancy I was supposed to have had, it would be awful. And I say that as somebody who I think has dealt with my miscarriage really well, considering it was only just over a month ago. Having said that, I think that your sister jeopardising her relationship with you and her future niece/nephew because of a miscarriage is something she’ll regret. I think you need to find a way to connect with her about her pain and let her know you understand that she maybe won’t be as involved as previously, but that you need her. I found the first call/coffee with a friend with a baby after my miscarriage was tough, but once you are there you realise it’s not their baby you are angry and sad about, it’s the one you lost. Hopefully if she can start to talk to you she’ll realise this too.

[Binterested]

Oh my goodness. You’ve been more than kind. I’ve had two miscarriages and a tfmr and I don’t think this reaction is reasonable. There’s nothing you can do but if this were my daughter I’d be telling her to put on a brave face and smile and be there for her sister just as her sister was there for her.

[WhenISnappedAndFarted]

@Keeva2017 it might cost her something just sending a text though, even though it sounds like an easy thing to do.

I've not had a MC however when I lost my Grandparents, I found it very tough my DP talking about his and seeing them. Whenever he talked about them it brought back the pain of losing mine and how much I missed them.

[Mittens030869]

I can understand that it's very hard to know how to announce a pregnancy when a close family member has had a miscarriage/has fertility issues. Because however you handle it, the news will cause pain to the said family member. There really isn't a right or wrong way, but if you're worrying about it that means that you care and they will see that. But they will still need time to process it.

When my DSis was pregnant, she informed my DM, who at the time was on a weekend away with me. They had a couple of furtive telephone calls, and it didn't take much to work out that they were tiptoeing around me. So when my DM did tell me that my DSis was pregnant, I wasn't exactly surprised.

Actually, by that time, I wasn't at all jealous, and was just happy for my DSis. It was this that showed me that I was ready to move on from the grief, and my DH and I went ahead with our adoption application.

Your sister will come round in time, OP, but you really must give her time.

[BabyLlamaZen]

How did you announce it on social media? It may have been something in the wording of picture made her hypersensitive. It's not your fault, but I probably wouldnt have announced it (doesn't mean you shouldn't have though). It sounds like you are doing everything right op. She will come round and she will want to be in your baby's life I am sure.

[ladymary86]

OP I have been in a similar situation to your sister.
I had a missed miscarriage at 12 weeks and a few weeks later my sister gave birth to my nephew. I also had 2 colleagues at work who were pregnant, one whom had a due date within days of my own.
I understand the hurt and pain of a miscarriage very well. It was a difficult time but I have to say I would never have dreamt of behaving the way your sister has. I would never have put my mother in the middle of the situation or expected anyone around me to celebrate their pregnancies any less than they would have normally.
I feel for your sister, I really do but it sounds like she needs some professional help to deal with her grief. I don't think the way she is behaving is normal.
I'm so sorry for both of you.

[MidnightCitrus]

What is the sister doing this is causing a problem?

All i can see is that she does not want to talk to or be her pregnant sister? What is she doing?

what are you doing? are you contacting her, and expecting her to react? I dont know how anyone can say she is behaving badly with the limited information here