AIBU to be upset about my sisters reaction to my pregnancy?

[helloiamnewhere]

Hello, my sister and I are very close in age and both recently got married to our long term partners. I have a young step son who's mother is not involved and he is my world, my sister and her partner do not yet have any children. My sister told me and our Mum she was pregnant late last year but unfortunately lost the baby at six weeks pregnant. This was very sad as she has always wanted to be a mother and has been grieving ever since. Shortly after she lost the baby I found out I was pregnant, I put off telling her for longer than I normally would have as I was worried about her reaction following their loss. When I told her she burst into tears and drove home and then didn't speak to me for two weeks (we normally speak daily). I was really upset about this but understood her reaction. I have put off celebrating my birth and doing some of the things I would have done because I want to be tactful to my sister. She started speaking to me again and tried to act happy for me but then I announced by birth on social media at seven months and she has not spoken to me since (I am due in three week). I am so upset as I want my sister to be involved in the babies life. Obviously this is a very tough time for her as she has not been able to conceive following her miscarriage nine months ago. My mother is caught up in the middle of the situation and tensions are running high. Has anyone ever been in a similar situation? I keep reaching out to my sister but she said she is too upset to speak to me :(

I lost 4 pregnancies. It's devastating and you need time to heal. It's particularly hard if you're of an age when all your friends and family are having babies as well. I've been on the receiving end of someone telling me they are pregnant (literally the day I lost one) and I've also been the one to announce when I've had a pal going through difficulties.

However, I feel like there needs to be perspective. If your sister is now 9 months down the line and still cannot get herself together enough to see you (given how close you were) I genuinely think she needs professional help.

I worry about people like your sister and their intense reactions going on for so long. She might think being pregnant again is the answer. But, she needs to deal with her grief first because pregnancy after loss is an emotional rollercoaster.

My view was always that my inability to stay pregnant didn't mean that other people weren't entitled to. That meant sometimes plastering a smile on my face when inside I was heart broken.

Neither of you are being unreasonable. She is hurting and can't seem to deal with it. You are upset by this. It's just a difficult situation. I'd be tempted to message her to say something like you understand her pain but you really want her to be there for her niece/nephew, that she should take the time she needs and you'll be ready for her when she is ready.

I understand the hurt and pain of a miscarriage very well. It was a difficult time but I have to say I would never have dreamt of behaving the way your sister has.

You know how you felt after your miscarriage. You don’t know how the op’s sister felt. Not everyone grieves in the same way.

I could have been her at one point. The truth is, I wasn't coping. I felt like everyone in the world was pregnant but me. I hated my own body, I was resentful that it couldn't do the one thing everyone else's could. I was trapped in my own grief and anger, I was drowning and I couldn't even see how bad I was. I thought if I isolated myself away it would be easier, but it wasn't because no one can run away from their own thoughts. The isolation then made it even harder to deal with the reality of other people's pregnancies when I did have to face it.

Quite honestly, two things helped me in the end. The first was realising that I didn't want other people's babies, I wanted mine. I hadn't faced up to my own grief over what had happened. The second thing was therapy. I suppose if I add a third thing, it would be time.

Unfortunately it is now 10 years on and still no baby, doubt it will ever happen now. But something in me has changed and I have found I am now happy for other people, because that gaping void of desperation in me has gone, acceptance I guess.

People can say she is selfish, or she should do this and that, but the problem here is, you want a relationship with your sister and are looking for a way to keep her in your life, hopefully with her being an aunt to your child. In my experience, whatever anyone thinks, this is something she has to figure out on her own - whether that be finding acceptance in her own way, getting pregnant again or realising she may need some level of professional help, which is nothing to be ashamed of.

I didn't recognise myself in the middle of that black, all consuming rage and pain. I couldn't think rationally and nothing anyone could have said or done would have helped really. What I will say though, is from the groups I have belonged to, many people found it easier when the baby arrived, not all, but it was easier to see it as separate from your own loss. I don't know if this helps at all, but this is the other side of this, there are no easy answers really. All you can do is enjoy your pregnancy and baby and hope she comes around in time.

The other thing I meant to add. When I did collapse, as above, I had actually been trying and struggling a lot longer than most people knew. We had been trying for years by the time I even got pregnant. So people didn't actually realise that I was mourning the death of hope finally realised.

@MidnightCitrus the OP said her sister is ignoring her completely when they would normally talk daily.
The OP's mum has been put in the middle of the situation also.
The sister is behaving in a way that is making people walk in eggshells around her and making OP feel like she should feel guilty for her pregnancy.
If the sister does indeed want space away from the OP's pregnancy she should have the decency and maturity to say so.
Her behaviour is childish and unnecessary.

I'm not saying it's the same but her behaviour is still unreasonable. The OP should not be punished or made to feel guilty. And the OP's mum should be able to enjoy the imminent arrival of a grand child.

@WhenISnappedAndFarted maybe it will hurt her but ops sister whilst grieving and hurting (which there is no time limit too) is letting her grief hurt those around her.

Iv been the sister and the op and whilst 99% of the time I did what I needed for my wellbeing I could see that if I didn’t make even token gestures very occasionally I would cause hurt and perhaps irreversible damage to some relationships.

Wild horses couldn’t have dragged me to a baby shower but a text saying thinking about you occasionally was worth it to show the people I loved that I cared for them. If the sister can’t manage that then she has lost sight of the rest of the world.

I don’t think anyone said some one with a loss needs to display joy at someone else’s pregnancy I’m not sure why a pp went there.

Op I agree with the others, as much as your sister is hurting she is also stealing something from you in the process. The joy you should be feeling, the celebration, the sharing the discussing, you’ve held it all back from everyone and missed out because of her despair at her own situation. I doubt she has done it on purpose but she will know she’s doing it.

Sadly I doubt there is anything you can do. You need to enjoy your pregnancy, not hide it like w dirty secret to protect her feelings.

Is she shutting everyone out or just you? If it's just you I think your sister is being very unfair. Yes she is suffering but there's no need to treat you like that especially as it sounds like you were close and this is a huge time in your life. You should be able to post whatever you want on social media and this is a very exciting time but I'm sure you feel like you can't enjoy it the same as it sounds like you're always thinking of your sister.

@ladymary86
MidnightCitrus the OP said her sister is ignoring her completely when they would normally talk daily.
The OP's mum has been put in the middle of the situation also.

Maybe the sister is dealing with it by keeping her distance from the OP, but they wont let her be alone, and thats why the mum is getting involved.

All i can see is a wounded sister, who wants to be left alone. The sister who should have a baby in her arms, right now, and doesnt even have a pregnancy to heal her pain

"she is also stealing something from you in the process."

Only if Op let's her!

How is your sister not being gleeful & available everyday to talk to spoiling things for you, Op?

It isnt your fault she’s going through a rough time.

you’ve tried your best to be supportive, her jealousy is disgusting.

If a relative behaved like this with me, I’d never speak to them again.

So her baby would have been born about three weeks ago, just prior to that you announced your pregnancy on social media (which you really didn't need to do at all), your DSis hasn't been able to conceive in the 9 months since she miscarried, and you can't see why she is keeping her distance? I've had three miscarriages and I can't tell you how devastating it is or how broken seeing pregnant women makes you feel. Your sister isn't being cruel, it's not something you just 'get over' so you can skip around being happy for everyone else when you are devastated. Nobody has a right to tell you how long you are allowed to mourn for. Some horrid comments on this thread. This really isn't about you, OP, you have your happy ending, your sister (as yet) does not. Leave her be, she'll re-engage with you when she's ready but it isn't fair to put pressure on her to do that now.

@MidnightCitrus again, if she feels she needs time away and to be alone she should still actually say this! silent treatment is not a solution to anything.
Of course she's wounded, but the OP should not have to walk on egg shells because of her loss.
It's like she's saying "I didn't get a happy pregnancy so you can't have one either!"
The OP sounds understanding of her sisters pain - perhaps if her sister could be upfront with her regarding what exactly it is she needs, then the OP would be able to navigate the situation better but she's non-communicative. Either way it's a horrendous position for OP to be in. To me, having been in a very similar position, I don't believe the sisters reaction is proportionate or fair on anyone, including herself.

You can't force her and I think you just need to carry on and ignore any behaviour you find upsetting. My SIL had a still birth of a little girl many years ago. It was obviously hugely upsetting for her and still is. My first child was born 2 years later and was a girl. My DD has subsequently remained the only girl on that side of the family. Despite my SIL having two healthy boys who are nearly adults now she has always struggled with the fact her brother has a daughter. When my DD was born she actually said "well you would have had a girl wouldn't you" as if we had planned it and despite the fact I nearly died giving birth. I was very upset at the time as was DH but we said nothing because it would have done no good. My relationship with SIL is very good but we stay off the topic of daughters even well over a decade later. You can't control how she feels but you can control how you react to it.

How dare you say she didn’t have to post on social media about her pregnancy @ StepAwayFromGoogle

That’s absolutely none of anyone else’s business. It’s ops pregnancy, she has been sensitive. Her sister is being extremely unreasonable and just to make you aware- you can grieve without taking it out on people.

It’s going to be her niece/ nephew for goodness sake.

This all sounds very sad.

Tbh, I don't think either of you are being U. It is very sad that she isn't celebrating with you, but at the same time, it sounds as if her miscarriage really effected her and she is possibly still having problems TTC.

You haven't done anything wrong at all, but personally, I'd let her be. I'm sure she will come around, but I wouldn't push it. I feel very sorry for her, but again, you haven't done anything wrong and your pregnancy has a cloud over it now, which is also not right. But I don't think she is doing it to be malicious?

Leave her be I think and enjoy your pregnancy and baby .

You don’t want to spend your whole life feeling guilty for having a child/ your sisters reaction.

Let’s face it, it will always be there. Every milestone will create jealousy.

You can’t change what has happened op, or the timing of you having a child. You shouldn’t feel guilty or have to tread carefully. It’s a happy time, anyone who loved you would see past their own problems and not give you the silent treatment.

@Bluntness100

I don’t think anyone said some one with a loss needs to display joy at someone else’s pregnancy I’m not sure why a pp went there.

Op I agree with the others, as much as your sister is hurting she is also stealing something from you in the process. The joy you should be feeling, the celebration, the sharing the discussing, you’ve held it all back from everyone and missed out because of her despair at her own situation. I doubt she has done it on purpose but she will know she’s doing it.

Sadly I doubt there is anything you can do. You need to enjoy your pregnancy, not hide it like w dirty secret to protect her feelings.

Yeah pretty much this.

Grief and loss makes cunts of the nicest of us

Celebrate your joy quietly ( if you put it in Facebook again that would put you in cunty territory) and hopefully she will turn around one day and apologise hopefully with her arms full of babies

100% with stepawayfromgoogle on this.

I feel a little bit sorry for your Sister, but she should try and be a bit more realistic about this, and try and be happy for you.. I would not put things on Facebook regarding your pregnancy,as seeing this all in black and white,will upset your Sister more,if she is the emotional type.

She will probably come round so to speak,when your baby is born, then hopefully have a baby of her own later.

"It is very sad that she isn't celebrating with you"

But how many on here can say that they would be in Op's sister's position?

@nitsandwormsdodger

Grief and loss makes cunts of the nicest of us

Celebrate your joy quietly ( if you put it in Facebook again that would put you in cunty territory) and hopefully she will turn around one day and apologise hopefully with her arms full of babies

Why does announcing it on Facebook out her in county territory? She had already told her sister privately weeks ago. Sister didn't find out through facebook.