To ask for a database of put-downs?

[Arschgeige]

I was in the bakers earlier and some old guy decided to do some queue jumping. When I pulled him up on it he denied knowing that he was actually behind me in the queue and proceeded to tell me that I’m not good-looking enough for him to notice me that I was standing in front of him. Maybe I’m being a bit pearl-clutching here but this has left me fuming. How dare he reduce me to my looks just because I had the audacity to pull him up. When he told me I wasn’t pretty enough all I managed to say was something like „oh are you always so charming to women who you don’t know?“ to which the prick then said „only to women who whinge“. What could I have said to him to have shut him up for good? I really need a store of put-downs to fire off in these moments!

"If I wanted to listen to an arsehole, I'd fart"

"Did you mean to be so rude?" is the zenith of withering put downs, guaranteed to stop anyone in their tracks and have them burning with shame. Don't forget the head tilt.

Are you from a family of arseholes or are you the odd one out?

Oh I like that Dee Tractor!

'Did you mean to be so rude?' is an awful come back- the answer would simply be yes.

I use
"Could you repeat that?
Because just needed to check if you were a stupid fuckwit or a rude arsehole, but now I know you're both!"

Have also been known to declaim dramatically
"Get thee behind me Satan!" and brandish my walking stick at them.

Slow handclap, and a nice sarcastic "wow".

I don’t think there’s anything you could have said to shut him up. Moral high ground is the way to go. So a “ that’s nice dear”. Or “ oooookaaay then!” Or “ uhuh” While nodding sympathetically. Or look around to fellow customers with a questioning eyebrow raise.

@U2HasTheEdge

'Did you mean to be so rude?' is an awful come back- the answer would simply be yes.

To which you respond: "Then may I suggest that you take your face for a shit". Stolen unashamedly from another poster on a different thread . Sorry, can't remember who posted that brilliant response but thank you - will use it often!

'You're certainly ugly enough for ME to have noticed YOU queue jumping. Now shut up & get behind your betters'. At full volume without breaking eye contact.

My 12 year old DDhas taken my advice about being super sugar sweet nice to vile people to the next level.
She'll say 'why thank you!' While dramatically clutching a hand to her chest like a southern belle.
She also uses 'that's nice dear' and charming to great affect.
For the younger generation
Your parents must be so proud

I feel like this is a good time to point out that I was only joking with "did you mean to be so rude"...

“Angela Lansbury - didn’t know you were still alive!!!”

You are a difficult person to ignore... but worth the effort.

I like “poor sad little soul, I’ll pray for you” (said with a pitying smile, head cocked to one side)

I'm going to be that person. The best revenge is to live well. Just laugh at it, say, "oh dear" to yourself loud enough for the rest of the queue to hear and trot off merrily.

You have him for five minutes. He has to live in his head ALL THE TIME. Poor bastard.

My absolute favourite insult of all time has to be "I'd call you a cunt but you lack the warmth and depth"... Possibly not ideal for shops with kids around but still amazing.

‘almost funny’

A loud “standback everyone, this man wants to be at the front of your queue”!!

Withering look and "were you dragged up?"

Laugh and "is that the best you can do?"

This

What could I have said to him to have shut him up for good?

Nothing. Nothing at all. People like that never pay attention to put downs.

If it is a man say 'Sorry madam' if it's a woman 'Sorry sir'

‘Have you ever had a breadstick rammed a very long way up your nostril?’

millions of sperm and you were the one that survived?