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AIBU?

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Original poster

To ask for a database of put-downs?

69 replies

Arschgeige · 09/07/2020 16:50

I was in the bakers earlier and some old guy decided to do some queue jumping. When I pulled him up on it he denied knowing that he was actually behind me in the queue and proceeded to tell me that I’m not good-looking enough for him to notice me that I was standing in front of him. Maybe I’m being a bit pearl-clutching here but this has left me fuming. How dare he reduce me to my looks just because I had the audacity to pull him up. When he told me I wasn’t pretty enough all I managed to say was something like „oh are you always so charming to women who you don’t know?“ to which the prick then said „only to women who whinge“. What could I have said to him to have shut him up for good? I really need a store of put-downs to fire off in these moments!

OP posts:
Thisbastardcomputer · 09/07/2020 21:58

When I want an opinion I'll ask for one.

BlessYourCottonSocks · 09/07/2020 22:03

I'd have said How pathetic. You rude, old man. And then ignored him after that.

SpongebobNoPants · 09/07/2020 22:09

Once a man was incredibly rude to me in a bar so I asked him if he had a very impatient postman...
When he asked why I said
“Because your parents must have got disturbed during the shag that made you. My guess is your dad’s best swimmers ended up on the carpet when he pulled out if you were the strongest one that made it in”

Or “You should have been swallowed”

Two of my personal favourites Grin

WhoWants2Know · 09/07/2020 22:10

"Bless your heart" = Southern states version of "fuck you"

SpongebobNoPants · 09/07/2020 22:13

I also overheard two girls arguing once and one said to the other
“Darling, your teeth are meant to be white and your legs brown... not the other way around”
😂😂😂

Also witnessed a woman say to a rude man with a man bun “oh wow, I love your hat”
It made me laugh

echodot · 09/07/2020 22:14

@Arschgeige I went out with someone who was great at these:

I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce

Don't push it. I'm pre-menstual and could kill you and get off with a caution

Oh and you have such a kind face. The kind I want to stab with a fork

I cant be angry with you today. Its be kind to animals week.

With a face like yours, you couldnt even pull a chain

If I had a face like yours, I'd teach my arse to smile

Says you - the pin up boy for vasectomies

Youd think such a little mind would get lonely in such a big head

isthistoonosy · 09/07/2020 22:26

My favorite is - you're a waste of skin (instead of a waste of space)

But generally I just explain loudly to my children why the person is being an asshole. Passive aggressive as fuck but normally the most I can manage without causing a scene,

Frenchtoastie · 09/07/2020 22:27

“Who put 20p in you”

UpTheRhineWithoutAPaddle · 09/07/2020 22:29

A friend of mine who's a teacher once heard two teenage girls arguing. One shouted to the other "At least I don't look like a skip wi' eyebrows". I need to use that one of these days!

maddening · 09/07/2020 22:30

I'd like to see things from your point of view but I couldn't get my head up your arse hole too.

maddening · 09/07/2020 22:31

Oh do fuck off you stupid little prick and get to the back of the queue.

Sparklfairy · 09/07/2020 22:32

Single, are you?

If he answers yes, look him up and down and say hmm thought so.

If no, blow up dolls don't count.

Lardlizard · 09/07/2020 22:35

If I wanted to listen to an arsehole, I'd fart" Grin

Lardlizard · 09/07/2020 22:36

Love that one !

youhave4substitutes · 09/07/2020 22:37

"Once a man was incredibly rude to me in a bar so I asked him if he had a very impatient postman...
When he asked why I said
“Because your parents must have got disturbed during the shag that made you. My guess is your dad’s best swimmers ended up on the carpet when he pulled out if you were the strongest one that made it in”"

None of these are witty or funny but that one in particular lacks impact. Bet there was a bit of head scratching after that mouthful Confused

Honestly. If you aren't a natural at being cutting then don't try to be. It doesn't work.

KetoWinnie · 09/07/2020 22:38

wow, what an arsehole.

That sounds like an upsetting incident tbh.

BruceAndNosh · 09/07/2020 22:39

I'm fond of
Are you this rude /stupid /obnoxious EVERY day, or just on Thursdays?

KetoWinnie · 09/07/2020 22:39

Somebody called me ugly once and I said 'and yet, I can do better than you''. But not sure that would work to a stranger.

KetoWinnie · 09/07/2020 22:40

@Frenchtoastie

“Who put 20p in you”
Good one!
Rainydayss · 09/07/2020 22:42

Cheer up, you've a face like a bulldog licking a thistle

He's got a face like a melted Welly

Got a face like a welder's bench

Harsh but fair insultsGrin

KetoWinnie · 09/07/2020 22:42

@WhoWants2Know

"Bless your heart" = Southern states version of "fuck you"
I like this one as well. I'm going to combine them

''Bless your heart, who put 20p in you?''

Do they work combined?

GiveMeStrengthOrAHobby · 09/07/2020 22:44

"That's Nice" in your best Mrs Brown

Mrhodgeymaheg · 09/07/2020 22:44

Hmm I'm normally ok at this, but my brain isn't working tonight.

How about "no need to rush to the front right now, they aren't handing out the trophy for the world's ugliest, ignorant twat yet"

Or maybe, "are you rushing ahead because you are worried all the ring donuts might sell out? Perhaps you should try fucking a woman instead for a change?"

Twofurrycatsagain · 09/07/2020 22:46

Courtesy of Patrick swayze in road house: when I want your opinion I'll beat it out of you.
Disclaimer. This was very useful for dealing with lecherous drunks in the 90's. Especially as I could bar them and had a boss who didn't believe the (drunken perv) customer was always right.

justasking111 · 09/07/2020 22:46

One I learnt and have used to effect at people who talk over you is

"I`m sorry did the middle of my sentence interrupt the beginning of yours?"