To think this is not a holiday for me!

[PrettyTricky]

We are lucky enough to have a small second home in the UK that we are now able to travel to. Emphasis on small, it’s tiny.

Our holiday abroad was cancelled and DH is touting this as a lovely holiday, all the while I’m thinking - it’s not a bloody holiday for me, it’s just same shit different (and much more cramped) place.

I’ve spent ages packing for us all as we’re off for nearly a month - DH is very busy at work so he’s not been much help and is rather stressed. While we are away he will be working remotely for half the ‘holiday’, so I’m going to have to clean the house and make up the beds when we arrive, sort the shopping - have already got a click and collect offered, do all the cooking and laundry. Everything I want to get away from on a holiday! I might as well be at home - at least I’d have more space and home comforts.

We don’t even have a tv there! We’re not going to go out to eat as we normally do - I’m not really comfortable to go to restaurants yet, and I’m sitting here almost dreading it.

I fear it’s going to be the exact opposite of a relaxing break and I may be climbing the walls. At least we will have some nice walks and different scenery I suppose.

AIBU to think that this isn’t really a holiday at all?

YANBU
That's exactly why I wouldn't bother booking a holiday cottage in the uk. Same shit, different place.

I've never wanted a holiday home for this reason - it's not really a holiday, it's just home from home. I don't have a problem with self catering, but I want to turn up and find all the beds made and everything spick and span. I don't want to have to worry about home maintenance and gardening while I'm on holiday - I just want to be able to enjoy my surroundings and switch off. Also you'd have to really love somewhere to want to go back to the same place time and again. It was brought home to me a few years ago when we went to visit some friends in their holiday home. We were sitting on the terrace having an aperitif thinking how nice it all was when our host said: "Do you know I think it's the first time we've ever done this - we are usually rushing around catching up with all the jobs that have built up since we were last here!"

YANBU. Don’t go OP. Talk to your DH and tell him how you feel. He’s your partner and best friend, not your employer, right? Surely he wants you to enjoy your holiday.
Why not stay at home, have a fun staycation, use the money you save on travel to get some takeaways. If you’re happy to, visit some local outdoor attractions like farm/zoo/country park that you don’t usually get the chance to.
Good luck!

Your dh needs to do more and share jobs with you
This. It is this simple. Tell him what you've told us: unless he does his share, it’s not a holiday for you, it’s just same shit different place.

I would agree to go for the 2 weeks DH is not working. I would eat out and have takeaway delivery too op.

We have a holiday home on France, 20 mins from coast, that is huge so we can have lots of guests over. This year we are not even sure if we will go. I want to.ho but DH is not sure. We usually picnic lunch on beach or in National Forest them eat out in evening. I cook a full English breakfast about 3 times each week and throw together a salad and snacks for beach or make crepes if at home. I am annoyed as we were going in April for 2 weeks without child and installing new kitchen I have waited 3 years for. Could not go due to Covid. I am desperate for dishwasher to be installed. I don't expect to cook and clean on holiday.

We have TV and DVD but no internet.

If you have had your holiday abroad cancelled, then you are quids in. If finances permit then use that cash to pimp your ride. If they don't then use half of it - still plenty.

Buy lots of lovely pre prepared meals - some by you, some by others. See what's available locally. Do you have a branch eg of Cook you could stock up at? Paper plates for lunch or picnics, everyone makes their own sandwich unless they are under six.

Once you've sorted food, move onto services. You talked about making beds, so I'm guessing you have children. See what's available locally in terms of cleaning and ironing services, takeaways etc. Lovely bought picnic stuff for lunch somedays.

Is there a barbecue there? If not, buy one and watch your husband cook on it.

If you have kids there is absolutely no reason they can't put pre-chopped toppings on bought pizzas etc. Buy some of the Pyrex Magic pizza trays, they're great. It doesn't have to be gourmet central every night as long as there's a salad or something.

And make sure your husband chips in, he does not get a free ride!

Buy a telly for goodness sake! A dishwasher too if you don't have one and there's room. Get someone in to install it. If your husband doesn't like it - tough.

Come on my dear, let your imagination run loose. What do YOU need to make it better, this time and in the future?

I have a second home abroad that I've spent lockdown in. It's easy to slip into accepting rubbish in terms of chores you would never do at home. I just refuse to do it, and I have my husband's full support. Be bright and breezy but firm and just do it.

Your needs matter too!

He needs to do more and you need some planned own time.

All those saying send him with the DC and stay at home - I literally know no one in real life who would do that. Talk about a sledgehammer to crack a nut.

Now you see why so many are still so sexist. All this, buy in lovely meals, source services, blah blah blah is just enabling this sort of shit. The woman doing all the donkey work or organising to outsource donkey work because that's women's work whilst the man swans in and cooks on a fucking BBQ.

Honestly, just fuck that!

'We go when you have your two weeks free or you take the kids the other two weeks and I'll meet you there. But I'm not going for a month.' 'When do you want to set up a meeting just the two of us to discuss splitting the tasks involved for the two weeks in the holiday home?' Then you split them and he does his and you do yours, no interference. He doesn't do this, it doesn't get done. Instead of 'Oh, but I have to cover for him or the kids will suffer!' it doesn't get done, you fucking leave. Leave him to it.

No idea why so many women put up with shit like this.

Send him and the kids and you stay at home

Oh how awful it must be not having to work and looking after dc in your second property, grow up.
People live on the streets. Never normally get angry on MN but FGS

I find it sad that people still feel the need to validate themselves in this way. Why is there this need to feel guilty about doing things you aren't obligated to do?

He works long hours? This one always baffles me because let's face it, if you weren't there he would have to do all these things for himself and his children. Don't people want better for their children other than to become another version of an adult who depends so much on another person to exist? That is what I see from these relationships. Man relies on woman to do everything apart from work or worse both. Woman does the lot with a bit of lip service support from the "dh" or worse been convinced it's in everyone's benefit for her to give up work.

Even most of the advice on this thread perpetuates the belief she should just go along and suck it up. Or she should start looking for solutions for something she didn't create so she can carry on being the good little wife, and the man works for two weeks. And what are the chances of those final two weeks he will be a useless lump because he's on holiday.

@DisobedientHamster
because it's tradition
Because the men folks are simply busy elsewhere (yea taking the piss)

@30daysoflight - maybe you ought to grow up and realise that there is always someone worse off and that we've all got our own shit going on. OP, this doesn't sound like a holiday at all, it sounds like basically a caravan holiday with no entertainment. It's a punishment for you and the children. What does your husband think you and the kids are going to do while he works away in blissful ignorance? Why would you even consider going on holiday if you have to work for half of it anyway? Just go for the two weeks he has off and then you can insist on a more even split of the day to day household shit. If you go for the month and you're doing everything for the first two weeks he is working I highly doubt that he'll pitch in for the second two weeks as he'll see that as his chance to finally join in with you and the kids on 'holiday' when in reality you'll be stressed, knackered, sick of the sight of the same four walls and eachother by that point and not really in the mood for him wanting to finally put his feet up.

If I were you I'd go down the weekend before your dh's holiday - maybe on the Friday and go back after the 2 weeks. No way would I try to juggle kids while dh worked in a cramped environment. Buy/bring a tv and get a while lot of nice prepared food. then it will be slightly approximating a holiday for you.

The woman doing all the donkey work or organising to outsource donkey work because that's women's work whilst the man swans in and cooks on a fucking BBQ.

Reminds me of this:

When a man volunteers to do the BBQ the following chain of events are put into motion:
(1) The woman buys the food.
(2) The woman makes the salad, prepares the vegetables, and makes dessert.
(3) The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with the necessary cooking utensils and sauces, and takes it to the man who is lounging beside the grill - beer in hand.
(4) The woman remains outside the compulsory three'metre exclusion zone where the exuberance of testosterone and other manly bonding activities can take place without the interference of the woman.
Here comes the important part:
(5) THE MAN PLACES THE MEAT ON THE GRILL.
(6) The woman goes inside to organise the plates and cutlery.
(7) The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is looking great. He thanks her and asks if she will bring another beer while he flips the meat
Important again:
(8) THE MAN TAKES THE MEAT OFF THE GRILL AND HANDS IT TO THE WOMAN.
(9) The woman prepares the plates, salad, bread, utensils, napkins, sauces, and brings them to the table.
(10) After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes
And most important of all:
(11) Everyone PRAISES the MAN and THANKS HIM for his cooking efforts.
(12) The man asks the woman how she enjoyed her "night off", and, upon seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there's just no pleasing some women.

Don't go it will be crap.

So the only post which can be made on MN is "I am homeless or in a b&b with my children" How will that work?

DO you not have anything more important to worry about 30days that you can waste time posting on this selfish thread? Surely you have something more worthwhile to occupy your mind?

Exactly @DisobedientHamster! No need to put up with shit and doing everything

Like l said to my partner last night lm not the hired help. He thought it would be “nice” for me to go to Sainsbury today on my break and buy some things for his virtual film club night tonight. I thought differently . He has a 1.5 hour break for lunch where he works. I have 30 minutes and will be doing about 10 extra work hours this week than him. He doesn’t intend to extra stuff round the house. He also couldn’t be bothered to write a list for his dozen items. It’s been made crystal clear this shit won’t wash and he bought his own snacks, drinks etc on his break

As ever lm impressed by the amount of men with their Very Important Job

I can see all sorts of tension building up on this non-holiday.

Working requires some sort of peace and quiet, usually. And space, which there will be less of. The kids will likely be excited and more, rather than less, noisy. It will be OP's job to keep them quiet, feed and bathe them as appropriate and generally keep them amused and away from the Very Important Working Father. OP will become more and more resentful. He will feel that she is unreasonable for not understanding like The Other Wives. And that's if it doesn't also rain!

When he is not working, will he do his share then, OP? I wouldn't die of surprise if you said no, but thought it might be worth checking. You aren't an appliance, you have every right to not want to do this.

I'd even prefer taking the kids on my own for the first two weeks, because at least then there wouldn't be the tiptoeing and walking on eggshells all the time. That depends on the number and ages of the kids though, obviously. But even if you don't feel like doing that, I think you need to speak seriously to your husband about how much you are dreading this. It really doesn't seem likely to end in a month of unbridled joy, does it?

Fortunately, since he has a Big Important Job, he must also be Terribly Clever and well able to come up with a fair solution. Let him work something out, you've done more than your share of the donkey work so far.

If your DH will be working, it won't be much of a holiday for him either, will it?

Best not go if neither of you will enjoy it.

My response to the OP was doubtless shaped by the fact that for three decades my husband was abroad abroad all week every week, so I HAD to be self sufficient and make things work. That was a very tall order. However I have never put up with rubbish and neither should she.
Nor does my husband expect me to.

I'd rather the OP started actively thinking about what she wants than passively going along with what he wants. OP what would you like? A UK hotel stay? Either way, I'd still recommend spending what YOU want on improving your bolthole because it doesn't sound fit for purpose. Your wishes matter too.

@Holothane

I refuse to do self catering that is not a holiday.

Same as that. I remember a family that were on the ground floor of our greek hotel so you'd see their 'balcony' from the pool. The two men lay there getting drinks handed to them and through the window you'd see the women just endlessly making meals and snacks and cleaning up after the men and the kids. You never saw the poor women lie out with a book for even half an hour and if they did manage to sit on a sunlounger, it would't be 5 mins before a kid came running for a drink/ snack/ toilet/ blow up a water wing or whatever.

We book self catering but I make it clear that we go out to dinner every night. I will deign to pour a bowl of cereal for DS or fix an occasional lunch or snack, but on holidays we eat out and I'm happy to budget for that. And we tag team with DS.

@30daysoflight - do you know that I haven't lived in a shitty bedsit with my child? Do you know that I didn't have the rug pulled from under my whole life when I was widowed barely into my thirties? Do you know that I didn't have to start again from literally nothing? Seriously, just keep your narrow-minded opinions to yourself, otherwise you'll find yourself spending a lot of time responding to every single thread on mumsnet with how much worse it is for someone else (you). Maybe you'd like to provide us all with a pre-approved list of topics you deem acceptable for people to post about on mumsnet? Just so precious you doesn't need to embark on your 'who has it worse' mission.