To be annoyed that ex won't have child while on furlough

[Systemrelevant]

11yo DS hasn’t seen his dad since lockdown began in March. Exh said it was to reduce any risk of spread (we are all low risk and healthy). Then he was furloughed not long after but just kept saying “no, I’m still on furlough” when I asked if he was having him this weekend.

We are now in July and I’ve done all the home schooling with zero input while working - I asked him to buy printer ink and he “couldn’t afford”. I even asked him to come sign a form and drop it into son’s new school for me as I'm working full time and home schooling so couldn't work out when to do it, his reply “I’m sure you’ll work something out.”

I’ve just messaged him to ask if he’s still having DS for his holiday in August, whether they actually go or not, and he replied “I don’t know yet, I’m still on furlough.”

Wouldn’t mind so much if he hadn’t spent five years taking me to court and costing me thousands in actually getting contact in the first place!

Furlough isn’t a medical condition....
What a lazy, useless creature. Your poor DC and this must be so frustrating for you to deal with. It makes my blood boil how some parents can be so useless. He really is clutching at straws using Furlough as a reason not to have his DC - normal parents would view this as a chance to see them more!

And if he'd done some of the home schooling time, DS would have had 1:1 time in his work and coped better with this whole time, than sharing me with a billion people and me doing a shit job everyday!

@frazzledasarock

You can probably bet if she does that he'll whip out the court docs to CMS and say "Look I've got it in a legal agreement I still have the kids" and basically lie,my friends ex did this he spent 5 years lying to CMS he still had all 3 kids 2 nights a week when his eldest hasn't since him she was 13 so spend 5 years avoiding paying extra for her and he's not seen his other daughter for 3 years either and he's avoided paying the extra maintenance for her too

@popsydoodle4444, I thought he'd probably try that, that's why I was thinking if OP has it in writing that he is not having the children and hasn't had them since March and has refused to have them in August that is proof regardless of court orders that he is refusing to have them.

I swear if my relationship with DP breaks down, I'm waltzing off to live it up occasionally twirling back into the DC' lives pretending to be such an amazing parent and refuse to take nay responsibility for them. Except I couldn't because I'm not a cunt and I love and care for my DC's wellbeing.

OP regardless of your absolutely shitty ex, you're doing an amazing job, and your DC will recognise that and it will translate in your loving relationship with them.

IfOPhas kept all of their text conversations they could be used s evidence, I would think.
My understanding is that CMS has no remit to overrule a court order in cases like this. All correspondence relates to events in the past and they also do not have authority to back date the variation - or make a judgment that this behaviour will continue in the future. Unless OP's ex made a verifiable claim that he does not intend to see his son in the future more frequently than X overnights a year, I cannot see how they could change the award (in the case where the ex is difficult about it, of course).

How can these arseholes not miss their kids? It’s beyond me, they must be utterly devoid of empathy and a conscience.

Wow. You made an excellent decision when you divorced that guy.

Haha thanks. The divorce was sorted before he even asked to see the DC.

How can these arseholes not miss their kids?

Because they ARE rseholes. It never ceases to amaze me that they manage to get girlfriends/new wives who back up their rseholery.

Never seems to occur to these women that in ten years time, this could be their children breaking their hearts because daddy can't be bothered with them.

I'd have a lot of doubts about any bloke who abandoned his kids like this.

The thing is OP you’re talking in terms of “If”

“If he’d done this then home schooling would have been better”

If he kept to his parenting then XYZ

That “if” is never going to turn in to a reality.

I know it’s frustrating but you can’t force him to see his child.
Ride it out and pretty soon your son will be able to assert his preferences and court won’t be an option for ex to wave in front of you

Yes true. So just tell me that, or have the guts to say something your own child, rather than a nonsensical answer like still being on furlough!

It's so frustrating that after years of forcing contact, he's finally settled and now this. Always me mopping up the mess.

Again

If he was man enough to say...

He’s not!!!

@MellowBird85 It's beyond me too. My Ex plays games and frequently doesn't see DS for months without batting an eyelid. He's always been the type who only does the basic eow contact - no holidays, no popping round etc. How can anyone be happy enough to only see their child once in two weeks?! DS is now 16 and I miss him if he stays at a mates overnight!

Never seems to occur to these women that in ten years time, this could be their children breaking their hearts because daddy can't be bothered with them.

^ this definitely. I wouldn't want to be with a man who couldn't be bothered to keep in regular contact, but of course the current wife has swallowed all the excuses about the lack of contact being my fault. They never look at the man and think it could be them one day.

I am amazed at my mind bending powers that cover 30-40 miles and prevent him from picking up the phone once a week!

He definitely doesn't have a partner. I'll be surprised if he's even left the house since March. He's spending the best days of his life right now with his one true love ... computer games.

No wonder he's an ex!

Even at the height of lockdown, children of separated parents were allowed to move between the two homes.

As someone else said he was furloughed from work, not from being a parent. Pathetic excuse!

If I was in your shoes I wouldn't badmouth him or anything but at 11 your son will work out soon enough that his dad isn't interested in being a dad.

Does he pay Cm based on the number of nights he has dc? If so, inform cms he now has dc for zero nights and see how that lands

Oh what a tosser he is.

If I were you OP I would just keep DS available for the times when he should be with his father. That way you aren't breaching the Order. Explain to DS what is happening - without emotion or anger - but just so he knows that you are sticking to the agreement.

DS is getting to an age where he will vote with his feet soon enough. If this goes on much longer he probably will not want to see his father again anyway.

Are you sure he hasn’t had some form of mental health crisis possibly related to computer game addiction?

The whole situation sounds very odd especially the Father’s Day episode.

Have you spoken to any friends or relatives of his?

I wonder if he has told his family he can't have him due to Covid and because he no longer has to be seen/gets to be seen in his role as amazing father he isn't bothering...

Is it all about appearances as well as control and he wants you stuck?

I wonder if he has told his family he can't have him due to Covid and because he no longer has to be seen/gets to be seen in his role as amazing father he isn't bothering...

Is it all about appearances as well as control and he wants you stuck?

Oh very much @RandomMess

He loves to badmouth me for "stopping contact". He vanished for a year then reappeared via a court summons. Both DC flatly refused to go by that point, regardless of any feelings I had about him.

@AGlassStaircase he's always been like this. He was so obsessed with gaming that even when contact was being monitored by Cafcass, he still was violent to DC if they beat him or didn't play properly or whatever. DC never leave the house during contact, as he's gaming.

I just don't know what to say to DS, that won't have him blaming me, but that doesn't just say "your dad doesn't want you anymore".

@BurtsBeesKnees when DD went NC, I rang CMS to do this, and exh said he would take me back to court to enforce the order if I enforced a CMS change. So we're stuck on £20 a week.