To be annoyed that ex won't have child while on furlough

[Systemrelevant]

11yo DS hasn’t seen his dad since lockdown began in March. Exh said it was to reduce any risk of spread (we are all low risk and healthy). Then he was furloughed not long after but just kept saying “no, I’m still on furlough” when I asked if he was having him this weekend.

We are now in July and I’ve done all the home schooling with zero input while working - I asked him to buy printer ink and he “couldn’t afford”. I even asked him to come sign a form and drop it into son’s new school for me as I'm working full time and home schooling so couldn't work out when to do it, his reply “I’m sure you’ll work something out.”

I’ve just messaged him to ask if he’s still having DS for his holiday in August, whether they actually go or not, and he replied “I don’t know yet, I’m still on furlough.”

Wouldn’t mind so much if he hadn’t spent five years taking me to court and costing me thousands in actually getting contact in the first place!

Surely furlough means you have more time for your child? What does he bloody mean?

@BobbieDraper
You are right, it is a joke. I wonder why the courts in England are so happy awarding 50/50 in the situation where the father just declares that he wants it, but has never showed any interest in actual parenting, when given chance after chance after chance? Especially as the residence split directly affects child maintenance.

I can totally understand the people saying stop contact, but it's not that simple.

DS's dad is absolutely useless. He too has been on furlough since March (I didn't know). I messaged the week before Father's Day to see whether he wanted to see DS - he did come and pick him up BUT it took me to push it.

The problem is, DS loves his Dad - and when they see each other, they have a really good time. DS is happy with an afternoon out with his Dad (he's 15 now) and was never happy with the alternative weekends or more rigid contact.

He would be gutted if all contact with his Dad was cut, he knows his Dad is useless but he still loves him and still wants him around and for that reason I continue to push his Dad to do stuff with him.

Can you ask him to spell out clearly to you why being on furlough means he can’t see his children?

@SunshineCake - Totally agree with you.

@icedaisy
You can vary the order in England too, pretty much in a similar way (no variation is allowed in the first 12 months - or at least strongly discouraged - if I remember correctly). I don't know how easy it is in general to reduce the nominal father's contact time once awarded - in my anecdotal case, I was not listened to even after the father had moved overseas and found a job there, as he promised it was a temporary arrangement. It took me almost two years to obtain the variation.

I'd probably reply "oh, I must have misunderstood - I thought furlough meant time off from paid work, not time off from parenting...whoopsie, how silly of me to think that you would want to use any of your spare time to see your child"

This!

He's a selfish wanker

What a jerk.

I cannot, for the life of me, understand why if you didn't offer your child up for the court-agreed visits you would be sanctioned, but if he doesn't turn up for them he's not.

Well, I can, it's the societal bias towards men, but still. It's glaringly unjust, and awful for the kids.

Has he got 'being on furlough' mixed up with shielding?

@Systemrelevant

No *@MzHz* he took me to court to force contact after a year of not being in their lives. Then kept taking me back all the time for ridiculous reasons, including that the DC weren't happy enough when they were there!

Wow, so he took you to court after a year of not being bothered... has he not just thought to “ask” to see them???

What a tool!

What an arsehole, though you know that already.

I’d cut contact right back, just send an email and text (so that there is a paper trail should you need it further down the line) on a set day each week with a one line “Will you be seeing DS this week?” and leave it at that.

That way you can’t be accused of preventing contact but you keep your dealings with him to the bare minimum.

i meant just threaten to not actually go through with it

What?! He is an arse. I would sever all ties. If he cant be bothered then nor could I.

I would just stop contact. Then if he does come back wanting to see ds then ask ds if he wants to go. If he dies fine, if not don’t send him and your ex can go back to court. I would then keep all texts etc as proof he didn’t see him during lockdown at his request and ds doesn’t want to see him now

Arsehole.
Cut contact completely - let him come to you to say he’s “ready” again.
See a solicitor and ask what your options are for your son to refuse to go - as in, at what age the court will listen to him.
If he takes you to court, there is something you can request - sorry I don’t know the legal terms - but it’s something about a vexatious litigant where the court can order that he can’t come back to court on xyz type of matter, within the next 12 months. He’s not alone in using court to fuck women about, sadly.

Died not dies

Ffs I wish they would have an edit does not dies

Do you get CMS? Ring them and adjust the payments as he's not having the children at all since March. And if you have the August holiday cancellation in writing throw that in to prove he is not having contact in August either.

Leave it- he isn't interested, your DD is already NC, he has made the choice to not see his DS. Your DS is old enough to decide whether he wants to bother when your ex suddenly decides to take an interest.

What has him being on furlough got to do with him not seeing DS?! He has more time, and time doesn't have to cost money. He could take him to the park or for a walk, or just sit and talk to him.

XH is exactly the same. As soon as we went into lockdown he contacted DD to say he wouldn't be able to see her for a while, but he would contact every week (he doesn't usually). Surprise surprise, over 3 months later, he has rung twice, the last time being several weeks ago.

His wife is NHS and he is public service, so I was happy for no contact initially to keep DD safe, but things have eased a bit, and they both work part time. Even with lockdown being lifted, he hasn't even suggested driving here to see DD at a distance, or at the playing field.

I have had to work 7 days a week, while home schooling DD, spending a fortune on extra reading books, and paper etc.

You reap what you sow, but it breaks my heart to see DD sat here sobbing because her dad doesn't love her enough to want to keep in touch with her. He even told her in his last phone call that he was "too busy" to call her in the previous 6 weeks.

I don't understand his response: "I'm still on furlough".
Don't you say "so what?" or similar? How is being on furlough any explanation for why he won't see his DS?

He’s just not interested in his own son. Can you make sure you log every time you ask him to collect his son for visitation and his refusal with excuses then go back to court to get any contact reduced? The courts should see he’s not interested. It doesn’t sound like he was interested in his son at all, he just wanted to have control. Sadly the courts just don’t get these issues. Sorry I don’t know much about the system as my son was much older when I split from my Ex. Is there an age when the child can decide for himself? It fills me with horror that a child can be forced to see a parent they don’t particularly want to see. If that’s not child abuse I don’t know what is! I would have run away from home I think if I’d been forced to see my Dad!

Ring them and adjust the payments as he's not having the children at all since March.
They normally won't adjust based on hearsay, if there is a court order in place.

@TreestumpsAndTrampolines re I cannot, for the life of me, understand why if you didn't offer your child up for the court-agreed visits you would be sanctioned, but if he doesn't turn up for them he's not. Well, I can, it's the societal bias towards men, but still. It's glaringly unjust, and awful for the kids."

Do you seriously think that enforcing sending a child to someone who clearly can't be arsed with them would be better for the DC? Really? It's not about just or unjust - contact isn't there to ease the burden on the RP. It's about making sure the child can spend time with parents who love them and want to be with them. I can only imagine the physical or emotional neglect that could occur if deadbeats were forced to have contact.

What a cunt

Sorry ! No suggestions as who wants to force a dad who doesn’t really want their kid to have them , as it’s awful for your son

Keep a diary and if check of acess is consistent with maintenance
If he actually pays any