To be annoyed that ex won't have child while on furlough

[Systemrelevant]

11yo DS hasn’t seen his dad since lockdown began in March. Exh said it was to reduce any risk of spread (we are all low risk and healthy). Then he was furloughed not long after but just kept saying “no, I’m still on furlough” when I asked if he was having him this weekend.

We are now in July and I’ve done all the home schooling with zero input while working - I asked him to buy printer ink and he “couldn’t afford”. I even asked him to come sign a form and drop it into son’s new school for me as I'm working full time and home schooling so couldn't work out when to do it, his reply “I’m sure you’ll work something out.”

I’ve just messaged him to ask if he’s still having DS for his holiday in August, whether they actually go or not, and he replied “I don’t know yet, I’m still on furlough.”

Wouldn’t mind so much if he hadn’t spent five years taking me to court and costing me thousands in actually getting contact in the first place!

Your ds is better off without him. Assume that he holiday is off and don’t bother to send him to his dad.

I think your son no longer has a father.

Stop doing everything.

It is much worse for you to keep offering your ex contact with his son for him to reject it, than it is for your son to be allowed to walk away.

Make sure you get all the maintenance your son is entitled too and just walk away.

Gosh I feel so sorry for your son! Your ex clearly isn’t interested in his kids or wants to be a parent. It sounds like you’re all better off not contacting him at all now.

So you took him to court to force contact?

Why on earth would you waste your money on sending your precious young man somewhere and to someone who is as selfish and revolting as this?

Let people be who they are, your dc see through them in the end, our job is to make sure they know it’s not them that have done anything to deserve such shitty parenting

Your ds is almost old enough to make his own mind up, so don’t push the ex, don’t help or encourage a thing

@MzHz i think it was the other way round, the dad took her to court to force contact, costing her thousands and now can't be bothered to see his own child.

YANBU. The government explicitly exempted children spending time with non-resident parents from the rules about mixing households, so, unless the ex is living in a household with someone at risk (which doesn't seem to be the case), he is just making excuses there. And not even taking the time for a Facetime conversation with his ds? Sorry, but he sounds like a complete waste of space as a parent.

If your ds is asking, then you need to sit him down and explain it to him in an age appropriate manner.

Covering up for this bloke will bite you on the behind especially as teen hormones are about to kick in.

You must maintain a truth between you and him. It’ll get you through so much together

If he discovers that you’re not being honest with him, he could lose trust in you and that would hurt you both

Me and my boy used to be us against the world when it was just me and him, now we have my oh in our lives we’re a family, but the (age appropriate) truth and love we shared from when the ex buggered off is something we both value so much and now he’s 14 we have our moments sometimes but he trusts me and I trust him.

No @MzHz he took me to court to force contact after a year of not being in their lives. Then kept taking me back all the time for ridiculous reasons, including that the DC weren't happy enough when they were there!

Where do you live that he can “take you to court” about not telling about a snow day?!

He sounds bloody infuriating

On the other hand - would you or your dc actually want him to be more involved given he doesn’t seem to give a shit?

England...I know, absolutely ridiculous reasons. It's not so much that I want DS to go, I know exh is a waste of space, but I've spent years getting him settled enough to accept contact and fixing his mental health from it being forced...and at the back of my mind I feel he will just return to court if DS stops going and we'll be back at square one.

Plus knackered and pissed off that I've worked and home schooled and he wouldn't even deliver a form.

I would just leave it and not send DS or contact him at all. Let him take you to court if he wants - I’m sure he hasn’t got very far with all his shit before.

The furlough thing is nuts. Why would furlough mean he couldn’t see ds? If anything it would mean he could see him more!

tell him youre going to court this time to enforce his visitation if he wont see him

You could take him to court for failure to adhere to court order.
This is unfortunately not an option when it is the non-resident parent not adhering to the order. I had a 50/50 split ordered after a long court battle with my ex (he wanted 100% residence, of course) - he lost interest in "his" 50% about three weeks after the final judgment, and disappeared. But it took me almost two years to vary the order.

Is he shielding rather than furlough and mixing up meaning ? Perhaps a new Or old illness etc That has arisen

Document everything.

Stop contacting your ex.

Tell your son the truth.

Personally I think if he’s on furlough that gives him Excuse to help you out MORE not less?! Xx

@GabsAlot

Neither the OP or a court can force the other parent to see a child. Doesnt matter if you have a court order. The court order really exists to ensure the non resident parent has legally granted access and has a form of redress if the resident parent keeps the child with them. It doesnt exist to force someone to take their kid.

If they dont want to, then they wont do it. But if you turn around and say no to them, they can drag you back to court for breaching their access time.

It's a joke.

He's a dickhead op! I'd just stop contacting him. Make DS available if he asks for him on 'his' weekends but other than that make no effort whatsoever.

I think your DS will be much better off without him and letting him fade out (rather than you saying he's not coming) may well do the trick.

You could take him to court for failure to adhere to court order.

No *OP can't. Court orders for child access are to force the RP to make the child available for contact, not to enforce contact with a parent who doesn't want them (and how could that possibly be in the best interest of the DC?).

OP I'd say your DS is old enough to have it explained that his dad is an unreliable so-and-so and it's not personal to DS. You're powerless to make that waste of space see his own son so stop engaging with the twat.

What does furlough have to do with it? I'm on furlough, should I have shipped DS off to his dad's for the whole time?

Your DS will probably have already worked it out himself. Of my two DD's the eldest is NC and the youngest (established routine of going to his for dinner twice a week) was dropped like a hot potato when lockdown began. Spurious reason was that his partner has severe asthma so couldn't risk it even though youngest was home from school eldest DD was home from uni and I was wfh so no risk factors. I have subsequently been told he continued to work from his office despite not needing to and being able to wfh. He didn't see her for something like 6 - 7 weeks and since then has only arranged to go for occasional walks. He's currently being pissy with youngest DD because she no longer wants to go to his or see him much at all. Can't imagine it will be long before she goes NC too tbh.

@GabsAlot
You don’t have experience of this do you?

Enforce visitation

What a complete twunt. What's wrong with him? You don't get furlough from your kids, ffs.

@firstmentat sorry I realise OP is in England now.

I'm Scotland.

Here I would have advised client to raise a minute to vary for failure to adhere. Secondary craves would be to reduce.

You couldn't raise a new action to force someone to have contact but when there is an existing order you could go back into it here to vary it.

This really makes me sad. It's like he thinks furlough is a holiday... from his children