To be annoyed that ex won't have child while on furlough

[Systemrelevant]

11yo DS hasn’t seen his dad since lockdown began in March. Exh said it was to reduce any risk of spread (we are all low risk and healthy). Then he was furloughed not long after but just kept saying “no, I’m still on furlough” when I asked if he was having him this weekend.

We are now in July and I’ve done all the home schooling with zero input while working - I asked him to buy printer ink and he “couldn’t afford”. I even asked him to come sign a form and drop it into son’s new school for me as I'm working full time and home schooling so couldn't work out when to do it, his reply “I’m sure you’ll work something out.”

I’ve just messaged him to ask if he’s still having DS for his holiday in August, whether they actually go or not, and he replied “I don’t know yet, I’m still on furlough.”

Wouldn’t mind so much if he hadn’t spent five years taking me to court and costing me thousands in actually getting contact in the first place!

Although reading your post again treestumps If you meant that actions should be taken faster to vary court agreed access if the NRP doesn;t show up then apologies, and yes I agree with that.

This sounds like all being about YOU to him controlling and abusing you not about contact

So grey rock stop engaging no more emails.
Keep what you have as proof you have tried and tell your DS the truth

Then leave it and go no contact with him until he contacts you

@BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz

Urgh what a waste if space.

I'd probably reply "oh, I must have misunderstood - I thought furlough meant time off from paid work, not time off from parenting...whoopsie, how silly of me to think that you would want to use any of your spare time to see your child"

This is what I think -but not what I would send. My ex hasn't seen them since March. Neither has he increased his CSA payments or offered to help. Both on us are on full pay and WFH.

I wouldn't push him though. I'd reply

" Just to note you haven't seen X since Y date because you have refused to see him, I offered to make him available. It is July and you will not confirm holidays and dates for contact in the holidays. I am offering to from Z to Z dates to have him -please confirm within 7 days that this is acceptable to you" and leave it. The less he wants now -they less chance he has in the future of getting more contact etc.

“I’m sure you’ll work something out.”

id be cutting contact and letting him initiate any contact in the future.

Id be parking that sentence for future use (twat arses emotion)

and make sure CMS money is present and correct

Your poor son. He has a terrible excuse for a father.

Oh and Id probably be changing my mobile phone number to.......

Your poor son. He has a terrible excuse for a father.

indeed to stop subjecting his cruelty - and rejection is cruel

Time to go back to court again and present your evidence.

How old was your DD when she went NC?

@Ellisandra yes I had one of those too, but they are worthless. They can be overridden if circumstances change - so they worded in this way to take me back every time.

@QueSera I did in the early days and he replied "because I don't know what's happening yet." Banging my head against a brick wall.

Reply asking why being on furlough stops him from seeing his son

He sounds an idiot

@ilikemethewayiam he did! Collection was from school and he ran off. Took me back to court - even though by that point he'd had more contact since it takes so long to get a court date. Court agreed mother made him run off and then collection was changed to the school office instead to make sure I didn't allow it again!

Just let contact fade. When the arse wants contact again ask DS if he wants to bother, if he doesn't let arse take it court and just self rep - at the end of the day you'll get told off and DS will be forced to go unless he told enough to be fully listened to.

I half suspect he is busy with someone else and DS would get in the way 🤷🏽‍♀️

My money would be on him having a new woman living with him and him being too weedy to admit it. Pathetic behaviour whatever the excuse.

I would just go silent. Keep all evidence and tell your DC they are totally awesome. They should never be made to go back if and when he decides he’s ‘unfurloughed’ unless they really want to.

@Crunchymum the day she started secondary. She flatly refused a two hour, three bus, journey to his house.

I did try to increase CM for this but it wasn't allowed - and he said if I enforced that then he'd enforce the court order.

When DS asks I would honest truthfully "I don't know Dad just says x y z , why do you think he isn't seeing you?" It's important that DS is given permission to think about it and "let it out".

It's helps them build up emotional resilience and assure themselves that their thoughts and feelings whether negative or unjustified can be heard.

What a bloody poor excuse for a father! I'd stop trying and just answer your DS as truthfully and carefully as you can. I mean, he can see that his sister is NC, so he probably already knows what a useless lazy oaf his father is.

@RandomMess that's a good way of saying it...it was easy to blame lockdown but now things are back to normal he is starting to ask what's happening.

If you haven't read "how to talk so kids will listen, and listen so kids will talk" it will really help you and your DC over come the abuse their Dear F*ckwit of a father is dealing out to them.

They normally won't adjust based on hearsay, if there is a court order in place.

If OP has kept all of their text conversations they could be used s evidence, I would think.

@ivykaty44

Your poor son. He has a terrible excuse for a father.

indeed to stop subjecting his cruelty - and rejection is cruel

It's terrible cruelty. its the kind of treatment that messes people up for life.

These feckless idiots who go round impregnating women with no intention of being fathers are disgusting. Why do single mothers take the blame for fatherless children when the men won't take responsibility for their actions.

I would be inclined to do as others have advised, take a step back and let him get off his arse and take the lead. I agree with @RandomMess Speak with your son and let him share his feelings. That kind of rejection can ruin your self esteem and confidence so you need to help him develop that resilience so he knows that this is his father's failing and not his.

Probably not worth rocking the boat for a few quid (and I do mean few).

I can't stand blokes who don't do anything with their kids. We are happily married, but because my wife works, I have two and a half daddy days, where I have our son all day on my own. Over the years I've found these days much harder than what I do for money, but also amazing and rewarding. Love comes from time spent together, I can't think of anything I have less respect for than a man who has a child, but fails to be a dad. It makes my blood boil.

My ex has been pretty much the same, he started seeking the dc’s again last weekend after I begged him too, he hadn’t seen them since March and hasNot been at work. He’s now back at work and can’t offer me any extra help, though today he has a day off and I have begged him to take dd2 (ASD) as I’m at breaking point.

Contact the CMS and make him pay the right amount for the kids he doesn't see. Bastard!