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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Finally leaving cheating wife after 1 year

74 replies

Jack1964 · 09/07/2020 02:56

i all
I’ve posted on this board last year Re my wife having an emotional affair for 6 months with the intent on meeting up for sex when I was away, needless to say photos were swapped and the discussions were Xrated.
Anyway I was about to leave her and she begged me to stay and we would resolve everything through counseling.
I decided a few months ago that I will leave her as I find I really don’t love her anymore , yes due to the affairs and mostly because of her controlling nature and life with her hasn’t been the greatest.
My 2 boys are grown up so I have no guilt about leaving them.
I have rented an Apartment , deposit and month of Aug paid upfront, I won’t move in until Sept when my youngest boy goes back to Uni for is final year.
But yes I’m definitely moving out.
Here is the burning question , what do I say to her on the day I go, how would you go about leaving?
Ps we do share a very successful business together

OP posts:

Jullyria · 09/07/2020 03:04

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Ponoka7 · 09/07/2020 03:08

Have you worked out how your business relationship will continue and put any necessary legal safeguards in place, separated bank accounts etc?

Is she going to rely on your Son for support? If so, it might be better to tell her before he leaves. He doesn't need this right on the start of a new term.

DevilsSpawn · 09/07/2020 14:36

You need to tell her now. Agree your son wont benefit from you dropping the bomb right as his third years is starting!!!! At least on holiday he has time to process it!!

AryaStarkWolf · 09/07/2020 14:43

I guess if you want to continue with her in Business you will have to try to make it as amicable as possible.

George441 · 09/07/2020 15:01

Did you know that it can have a detrimental effect on your children?

AryaStarkWolf · 09/07/2020 15:02

Did you know that it can have a detrimental effect on your children?

His "children" are adults. Are you suggesting he stays with a woman who has cheated on him forever?

Hearhoovesthinkzebras · 09/07/2020 15:06

@George441

Did you know that it can have a detrimental effect on your children?

So you expect a spouse to stay with their cheating partner forever do you? The children are adults, but even if they weren't people can leave marriages when they aren't happy, especially when they've been cheated on.

Fanthorpe · 09/07/2020 15:07

It sounds like you’re punishing her for what she’s done and I’m not surprised you’re hurt and upset but I’d recommend behaving as honestly and fairly as possible in the interests of your children. Young people of this age are really vulnerable, they need to feel they have a secure base to launch from. Please consider if there’s a way you can behave decently, it sets such a good example.

I’m sorry your wife betrayed your trust. I hope your business can survive the big changes that are coming.

George441 · 09/07/2020 15:07

Of course not. Such women should be punished but through compromise.

Hearhoovesthinkzebras · 09/07/2020 15:10

@George441

Of course not. Such women should be punished but through compromise.

What compromise?

I’d recommend behaving as honestly and fairly as possible in the interests of your children.

It's not the op who cheated though. What is he doing that isn't honest or fair? He didn't have an affair, his wife did. If anyone's to blame for any upset it's the person who cheated.

AryaStarkWolf · 09/07/2020 15:11

Such women should be punished but through compromise.

What on Earth does that mean?

AryaStarkWolf · 09/07/2020 15:12

I know the wife was in the wrong but "Such women should be punished" makes me feel really uneasy and a bit grossed out

*Obviously not directed at you OP

TrickyD · 09/07/2020 15:12

His "children" are adults. Are you suggesting he stays with a woman who has cheated on him forever?

Are we assuming. the OP is a man?

EdinaMonsoon · 09/07/2020 15:14

OP if you are so unhappy then it makes absolute sense for you to leave. It sounds like you were dealing with a lot and I know that I certainly would't be able to move on and forgive what you've described.

Does your wife know you are intending to leave?

I know you say you feel no guilt about leaving your sons but you do realise that this will have an impact on them, right? Even if they are relieved that you are separating (assuming that there has been tension in the home), they will still experience some form of grieving process and it will be an upheaval for them. They will have to get used to their parents being in two separate homes and that may cause conflict for them - making them worry about dividing loyalties etc. What's your relationship like with them? I do agree with PP who say that it's not fair to spring this on your youngest when he leaves for uni - especially his final year.

It's also possible that your wife will expect or turn to them for emotional support from them. You mention that she is controlling: Is she controlling of them too? If she is, then it is very likely that the controlling behaviour may intensify as she struggles to feel in control of her life generally. You need to ensure that your sons are at the forefront of your priorities in terms of giving them the support they will need.

WRT to the business: you need legal advice on how that can work going forward. Do you work together on a daily basis? How do you see that working? particularly in the immediate aftermath of your leaving the home? How might that impact on your colleagues/employees?

Hearhoovesthinkzebras · 09/07/2020 15:14

@TrickyD

His "children" are adults. Are you suggesting he stays with a woman who has cheated on him forever?

Are we assuming. the OP is a man?

I am, given their name.

AryaStarkWolf · 09/07/2020 15:14

Well his username is Jack?

Longingtolearn · 09/07/2020 15:16

@TrickyD educated assumption.

Username

Previous posting history with pronouns.

Etc etc

George441 · 09/07/2020 15:17

ZombieLizzieBennet · 09/07/2020 15:30

I'd agree it would be better for your son to have time to process this news before going back, instead of the bombshell being dropped right at the start of his third year. Better to go in August, if the flat will be available then anyway.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 09/07/2020 15:36

How do you go about it?
Calmly, that's how.
Telling her how you feel now, that you no longer trust or love her in the same way and you no longer wish to be married to her.
No bitterness, no recriminations - just be calm and clear that this is what you want now.

If she cries, begs you to stay, begs you to reconsider - then you say you have tried to get past it but you just can't, and it's now fairest on both of you to go your separate ways.

Keep it civil so that you can both walk away with your heads held up, and your boys don't feel like their parents are at war with each other.

You might want to work out how to separate the business, unless you think that you can continue to work as business partners afterwards? It seems unlikely, so I would have a plan as to how you deal with that before you tell her and your sons.

Have paperwork for the business ready drawn up to be signed, but give her time to go through it.

And tell your son before he goes back to university so he has time to process the huge rift in his world while still at home.

TrickyD · 09/07/2020 15:41

longingtolearn , I don’t think posters’ usernames necessarily reflect their gender.

I checked with advanced search for clues but couldn’t see any previous posts.

Etc etc - What does that refer to?

BigSpringy · 09/07/2020 15:44

It's not the op who cheated though. What is he doing that isn't honest or fair? He didn't have an affair, his wife did. If anyone's to blame for any upset it's the person who cheated.

I don't think anyone suggested he wasn't being. He asked how to handle the split, this poster suggested doing so honestly and fairly for the benefit of their children - because this will make a tangible difference to how easily they can process the split.

BigSpringy · 09/07/2020 15:44

And yes to telling your son before he goes back to uni, OP.

kazzer2867 · 09/07/2020 15:44

@George441

Of course not. Such women should be punished but through compromise.

I see someone asked what this means, but it hasn't been answered. I'd like to know what this means.

Mulhollandmagoo · 09/07/2020 15:56

Another vote to tell your son before he goes back to Uni, his 3rd year is an important one for him and he deserves to have the absolute best start possible.

When it comes to telling your wife, just explain as you have here, you don't love her and you're unhappy in your marriage. I don't think you should drop and run though, I think for the sake of amicability and to ensure your business remains a success, you need to handle it with more tact, I would around the time your flat is available have the conversation about your marriage and then a couple of weeks later when things have settled have an in depth conversation about the inner workings of your business, otherwise you both run the risk of losing everything

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