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Original poster

Finally leaving cheating wife after 1 year

74 replies

Jack1964 · 09/07/2020 02:56

i all
I’ve posted on this board last year Re my wife having an emotional affair for 6 months with the intent on meeting up for sex when I was away, needless to say photos were swapped and the discussions were Xrated.
Anyway I was about to leave her and she begged me to stay and we would resolve everything through counseling.
I decided a few months ago that I will leave her as I find I really don’t love her anymore , yes due to the affairs and mostly because of her controlling nature and life with her hasn’t been the greatest.
My 2 boys are grown up so I have no guilt about leaving them.
I have rented an Apartment , deposit and month of Aug paid upfront, I won’t move in until Sept when my youngest boy goes back to Uni for is final year.
But yes I’m definitely moving out.
Here is the burning question , what do I say to her on the day I go, how would you go about leaving?
Ps we do share a very successful business together

OP posts:
thedancingbear · 09/07/2020 15:57

Of course not. Such women should be punished but through compromise.

I too would be interested to learn more of PP's thoughts on the humane punishment of women.

SummerDayWinterEvenings · 09/07/2020 16:04

@ThumbWitchesAbroad

How do you go about it? Calmly, that's how. Telling her how you feel now, that you no longer trust or love her in the same way and you no longer wish to be married to her. No bitterness, no recriminations - just be calm and clear that this is what you want now.

If she cries, begs you to stay, begs you to reconsider - then you say you have tried to get past it but you just can't, and it's now fairest on both of you to go your separate ways.

Keep it civil so that you can both walk away with your heads held up, and your boys don't feel like their parents are at war with each other.

You might want to work out how to separate the business, unless you think that you can continue to work as business partners afterwards? It seems unlikely, so I would have a plan as to how you deal with that before you tell her and your sons.

Have paperwork for the business ready drawn up to be signed, but give her time to go through it.

And tell your son before he goes back to university so he has time to process the huge rift in his world while still at home.

This. Tell her very calmly that you have decided you are better off as business partners and co parents and not married.
RedOasis · 09/07/2020 16:07

I would say that you have no choice really. You will have to tell her. You will have to try to remain amicable for the sake of your business. I guess you work and see each other every day? So you will need to have separated the business from your personal lives. Good luxk💐

bengalcat · 09/07/2020 16:15

Given you are married and have a business together I would be off to a solicitor to safeguard your assets and get a feel for what would happen if you divorced / relationship went sour ( as it obviously has ) . And I would be doing this before I moved out . Forewarned is forearmed .

damnthatanxiety · 09/07/2020 16:20

George441 you sound sick. Genuinely misogynistically sick in the head.

Emancipated · 09/07/2020 16:21

Also, fuck that shit. Staying so that someone can be punished rather than moving on and being happy with someone else?!

To the OP... Be honest, be calm. You are not in the wrong. You’ve stayed for a year and that’s a year too long imo.
Write down what you want to say but keep it short, clear and to the point.

Good luck OP.

AryaStarkWolf · 09/07/2020 16:25

@TrickyD

longingtolearn , I don’t think posters’ usernames necessarily reflect their gender.

I checked with advanced search for clues but couldn’t see any previous posts.

Etc etc - What does that refer to?

In one of his other threads he says he's a man
Tappering · 09/07/2020 16:29

I remember your last thread. I don't blame you for wanting to leave and it's sensible that you have alternative living arrangements sorted.

I think telling your son before he goes back is wise - it gives him a chance to process things. I would also agree with the advice to see a solicitor to ensure your business interests are safeguarded properly.

In terms of telling your wife, no reason not to tell her now.

fruitbrewhaha · 09/07/2020 16:30

I too think you need a solicitor. Have a chat about how you can slip your assets. Perhaps one of you will keep the house and the other the business?

Then tell your wife with a view to moving in August. As a PP said, write it all down.

user1471565182 · 09/07/2020 16:33

lol at the desperation to work out the OP's gender so we all know which standards to apply.

AryaStarkWolf · 09/07/2020 16:42

lol at the desperation to work out the OP's gender so we all know which standards to apply.

There was literally only one person who was going on about gender and the fact that a couple of people assumed he was male, I was just showing why I assumed he was male. My opinion would be the same no matter what gender a person who has been cheated on was. Cheating is bad......

VettiyaIruken · 09/07/2020 16:54

What's the reason you can't tell her earlier and plan together how things will work?

ResumetonormalASAP · 09/07/2020 16:59

I would say that the counselling helped you resolve things in your head and realise that it is best to separate. That you work great together as business and wish that to continue and be friends but the relationship as far as marriage etc has ended.

Stay to facts, don't be drawn into arguing or pleading etc.

Have you already visited a solicitor for advise on separate financial arrangements? That needs to be done asap.

Be fair, be honest and avoid the blame and say that you don't love her in that way anymore. You can still be business partners and friends.

Littlemeadow123 · 09/07/2020 17:02

@George441 The children are adults. Do you honestly expect someone to stay with a cheating partner for ever. And how should a cheating woman be punished? Hmm What compromise?

No advice OP, but best of luck.

Cheeseandwin5 · 09/07/2020 17:25

It will be difficult to get a lot of encouragement, when half of the membership think its your fault but I suggest you read this

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3957367-Secret-planning-to-leave-DH-days-to-go

WombOfOnesOwn · 09/07/2020 17:32

Did you really come to MN to ask for a perfect bon mot to tell your soon to be ex wife as you walk out the door on her?

Weird collaborative request but ok.

Original poster
Jack1964 · 10/07/2020 02:23

To stop all the silly quarrels , I am a Man married to a Woman.
Thank you so much everybody for your input.

Cheers

OP posts:
Original poster
Jack1964 · 10/07/2020 02:32

The main reason for not telling her too early about leaving is she has already cajoled me twice into staying after I was adamant about leaving.
Her tears and begging, pleading make me feel so sorry for her that I ask myself how can I do this to another person,, I’m pretty weak when it comes to disappointing , hurting her.
Hence I need to be succinct , turn on my heels and move out.

OP posts:
mellowww · 10/07/2020 03:36

@bengalcat

Given you are married and have a business together I would be off to a solicitor to safeguard your assets and get a feel for what would happen if you divorced / relationship went sour ( as it obviously has ) . And I would be doing this before I moved out . Forewarned is forearmed .
This.
mellowww · 10/07/2020 03:40

@Jack1964

The main reason for not telling her too early about leaving is she has already cajoled me twice into staying after I was adamant about leaving. Her tears and begging, pleading make me feel so sorry for her that I ask myself how can I do this to another person,, I’m pretty weak when it comes to disappointing , hurting her. Hence I need to be succinct , turn on my heels and move out.
So what you are worried about is that she will be beside herself and very distressed, and it will be hard to go through with.

I'm not suggesting you shouldn't go, but are you completely certain about this? Have you considered counselling?

Sorry if I don't know the full story. But marriage is about forgiveness as well as a lot of other things. But maybe she's been too awful etc.

mellowww · 10/07/2020 03:46

Ok sorry I've re read your OP.

Do you want to drop it on her the moment you walk out of the door. Because telling her in advance means you'll have to witness her pain and ignore her begging.

And you're set on leaving because she's controlling and life isn't that great with her.

And because you don't love her.

She won't have the support of the kids because son will have gone back.

I don't know. Obviously she's going to be shocked and devastated. And realise you've been planning this for months.

You aren't teenagers. You have your lives and family and business together. I'm not sure how you do this in a humane and human way. Probably there's no good way.

I feel you should tell them both before. More emotions to deal with for you. But maybe fairer to them.

Hearhoovesthinkzebras · 10/07/2020 10:56

I can understand your reasons for not wanting to tell your wife. If that's the only way you feel able to leave then I don't see that you owe her anything - she cheated after all. I do think it's harsh on your son though and would probably be better if you left while he was still at home rather than at uni. Can you not move out in August? Is there a reason why you want to wait until September?

Ellie586 · 10/07/2020 11:08

I had been married 16 years no kids i rented a new place got it all ready then told him on the thursday night i was moving out on the saturday. In my opinion you can only try so many times. And how many people have "the chat" only for nothing to change.

I think when you're ready to go just tell her straight out and go. Kids normally are aware of issues.

No i dont have kids but i do have divorced parents.

willloman · 10/07/2020 12:18

Adios Amigos - see you at work tomorrow?! Hmm
You need to let her know your plans in advance so she can also be prepared for the change otherwise there will be some fallout.
Sit her down over a cuppa and tell her. Difficult as it is it will be better in the long term to remain civil.

WhenISnappedAndFarted · 10/07/2020 12:22

I was 17 when my parents split. My DM left the house and later that evening my DF told us that they'd split and she wasn't coming back.

Don't just drop the bombshell on your children, give them some time to process it. It really isn't fair and that way screwed me and my siblings up for years.