Finally leaving cheating wife after 1 year

[Jack1964]

i all
I’ve posted on this board last year Re my wife having an emotional affair for 6 months with the intent on meeting up for sex when I was away, needless to say photos were swapped and the discussions were Xrated.
Anyway I was about to leave her and she begged me to stay and we would resolve everything through counseling.
I decided a few months ago that I will leave her as I find I really don’t love her anymore , yes due to the affairs and mostly because of her controlling nature and life with her hasn’t been the greatest.
My 2 boys are grown up so I have no guilt about leaving them.
I have rented an Apartment , deposit and month of Aug paid upfront, I won’t move in until Sept when my youngest boy goes back to Uni for is final year.
But yes I’m definitely moving out.
Here is the burning question , what do I say to her on the day I go, how would you go about leaving?
Ps we do share a very successful business together

[InkieNecro]

It isn't your fault if she decides to end her life. If she mentions it then call 111 to report and you will have done your duty. She is unlikely to do it, she just wants people running around after her for attention. When I was suicidal I didn't tell anyone as I didn't want to be talked out of it.

[ThumbWitchesAbroad]

I get the feeling that she knows you're on the way out. Whether it's because she has evidence, or because of a change in you, I couldn't say - but she knows what's coming.

It absolutely is NOT on you to "find her a therapist" - that is something she needs to do for herself, she's not a child ffs!

You can suggest she needs to see one but that might not go down well. You could also suggest she sees a GP if she's feeling suicidal - but I don't think she is, that's a "martyr" response (my mother used to pull that one too sometimes - she never did anything about it though)

You really need to talk to your sons before you tell her, I think. And before your son goes back to America (if he even can, given what I've just read about the USA and international students!) Not long before, just give them the heads up that you're planning to leave - give them only as much info as you think they need, but tell them.

I also think that if you can go sooner, you probably should. I know you want to wait for your son to be out of there, but I really think you're prolonging the inevitable and she's just waiting for it to happen.

[Hearhoovesthinkzebras]

@mellowww

He doesn't have to find a therapist and take her there. Literally no.one would suggest that if this were a wife posting. The fact she's threatened suicide is abusive in my book. She's trying to control.people by threatening to kill herself. The op is not responsible for her and you shouldn't be suggesting that he is.

He asked wtf to do. I've already paraphrased my answer for you once. You seem set on misunderstanding it.

My advice to him is:

Get someone else on board to deal with her emotions so you can get away more cleanly

And because that's the decent thing to do.

I think Hooves has a problem with the last bit.

I have a problem with telling someone, who is clearly finding it difficult to leave an unhealthy relationship, that they are in anyway responsible for what their spouse chooses to do. It isn't the ops responsibility to find a therapist for his wife, nor to take her there. Threatening to kill herself is controlling behaviour. She didn't do the decent thing when she decided to cheat so I don't see why op should now be guilted into doing what you consider to be the decent thing.

He needs to just leave. If she threatens to harm himself he should phone for an ambulance.

Imagine if he tries to find a therapist but she refuses to go, or goes and then finds another reason to make him stay - maybe until the therapy ends? He'll end up trapped there for longer.

I agree with other posters here - he should just leave

[mellowww]

He doesn't have to find a therapist and take her there. Literally no.one would suggest that if this were a wife posting. The fact she's threatened suicide is abusive in my book. She's trying to control.people by threatening to kill herself. The op is not responsible for her and you shouldn't be suggesting that he is.

He asked wtf to do. I've already paraphrased my answer for you once. You seem set on misunderstanding it.

My advice to him is:

Get someone else on board to deal with her emotions so you can get away more cleanly

And because that's the decent thing to do.

I think Hooves has a problem with the last bit.

[Hearhoovesthinkzebras]

@mellowww

You shouldn't be pressurising someone to stay in a relationship, in my opinion

In what way did I say stay in the relationship? Are you insane? I've said how the f do I make sure her emotional instability doesn't tip her over the edge and I said get her a therapist so she's got independent support during the split.

And yes, most unfashionably, I said make this last effort of kindness for her because you did marry her and also because it's the best way through fur their son to deal with it, too. Better he has a functioning mother.

So don't talk bollocks based on a deliberate or just stupid misinterpretation of what I actually said.

We can all see what you put

She's the mother of your child and the person you promised to stick with for better or worse.

It's not her individual fault the marriage was failing.

It's not her individual fault the marriage was failing.

don't just suggest she gets a therapist - find one and take her there.

All of that sounds like you are trying to heap guilt onto the op and that might well cause him to change his mind, given that he's posted already about how difficult this is and how he's afraid that he will back out if his wife applies emotional blackmail again.

He doesn't have to find a therapist and take her there. Literally no.one would suggest that if this were a wife posting. The fact she's threatened suicide is abusive in my book. She's trying to control.people by threatening to kill herself. The op is not responsible for her and you shouldn't be suggesting that he is.

[mellowww]

I meant lower does he's said wtf to do

[mellowww]

Jesus, I cant believe many of the replies on this thread, treat her kindly! Get her to therapy! This will affect your children! All opposite to what we would see if this was a woman posting about a man who had cheated on her

Because so often the woman leaving the cheating man has also been subject to abuse., and/or he's the aggressor.

Look, the guy is going - she's already seemingly in bits - he's worried. I just said get outside help. Ultimately less hassle for him.

[mellowww]

You shouldn't be pressurising someone to stay in a relationship, in my opinion

In what way did I say stay in the relationship? Are you insane? I've said how the f do I make sure her emotional instability doesn't tip her over the edge and I said get her a therapist so she's got independent support during the split.

And yes, most unfashionably, I said make this last effort of kindness for her because you did marry her and also because it's the best way through fur their son to deal with it, too. Better he has a functioning mother.

So don't talk bollocks based on a deliberate or just stupid misinterpretation of what I actually said.

[Rumbletumbleinmytummy]

Jesus, I cant believe many of the replies on this thread, treat her kindly! Get her to therapy! This will affect your children! All opposite to what we would see if this was a woman posting about a man who had cheated on her

OP I commend you in trying to do what's best for everyone, but the truth is she didnt give a shit about you or your grown children when she was having her affair did she. I think you've given it time and effort, you're leaving and being completely fair in ensuring that she isnt having the rug pulled out from under her in a financial sense.

It also sounds like no one is happy in the situation as it currently is so please dont be guilted into staying. Everyone will be happier in the long run I think.

[Murraygoldberg]

Just leave. She is not your responsibility, controlling people say they will kill themselves all the time they rarely do

[Hearhoovesthinkzebras]

@mellowww

WTF you should do is get her into therapy before you drop the bombshell.

She's not an animal. She's the mother of your child and the person you promised to stick with for better or worse.

So you owe her being emotionally kind, in my opinion.

Others on here say oh let her F off, all her fault. It can't be. It's not her individual fault the marriage was failing.

And anyhow, talking about fault like that is a very lazy way to consider the emotional profile of a marriage.

It's too basic, too brutal, to treat her like that. She deserves to be handled carefully and she's clearly struggling at the moment. No you shouldn't want her demise on your hands - so don't just suggest she gets a therapist - find one and take her there.

Be a good husband for the few months left of being one.

This advice flies in the face of the usual advice given to women who want to leave a relationship but their partner threatens to kill themselves if they do.

You shouldn't be pressurising someone to stay in a relationship, in my opinion. The op wants to leave this marriage because it's harming him emotionally. His wife has cheated on him, he's under no obligation to stay. Honestly, if the op was a woman posters would be telling them to either leave and not look back or to find a way to remove the Chester from the house and to end the marriage. It's not the ops responsibility to find a therapist for his wife. She should seek help herself.

[mellowww]

WTF you should do is get her into therapy before you drop the bombshell.

She's not an animal. She's the mother of your child and the person you promised to stick with for better or worse.

So you owe her being emotionally kind, in my opinion.

Others on here say oh let her F off, all her fault. It can't be. It's not her individual fault the marriage was failing.

And anyhow, talking about fault like that is a very lazy way to consider the emotional profile of a marriage.

It's too basic, too brutal, to treat her like that. She deserves to be handled carefully and she's clearly struggling at the moment. No you shouldn't want her demise on your hands - so don't just suggest she gets a therapist - find one and take her there.

Be a good husband for the few months left of being one.

[Jack1964]

Thanks for advice all.

As you all know I’m leaving my wife on the 1st of Sept Once my 22 yr old goes back to Uni in the States.
I have a new Apt set up and paid for ,1yr lease and ready to move into as early as the first of Aug if I wish.
My wife today said to me after a argument with our son , where he accused her of always being angry and it is impossible to just talk to her (which is true) that nobody loves her and if she had a gun she would shoot herself.
I told her to not talk in this manner and maybe she should go see a therapist for help if she’s feeling this way.
Now I’m crapping myself about telling herim leaving as I wouldn’t want that on my hands, although I really want to leave.
WTF should I do

[SandyY2K]

I think your plan is fine as you can't trust yourself not to give in and fall for her begging and crying.

As you're sleeping in separate rooms, your DS won't be shocked.

This is a consequence of her cheating which she had to accept.

All the best.

[mellowww]

The trust is still there with your DC it is important you talk to the DC first about your plans the sooner the better.

I agree. I'd definitely be talking to my kids about the plan.

[mellowww]

If the marriage was dead in the water then the answer is to decide to end the marriage and leave, not to have an affair so for that reason op has no responsibility to explain anything nor assure her it's not her fault.

Absolutely - of course OP has no responsibility to be humane.

But .... she is still so attached that he's asking how best and when to break it that he's going. I just suggested that he might help her let go (and therefore achieve the ultimate goal of extracting himself without being waylaid emotionally) by getting her off the hook a bit with the guilt.

Of course he doesn't have to. But he asked how to slope off with the minimum fuss. And I think this might help her.

Not because she 'deserves' kindness or because he owes her it. Just because it might make it easier all round.

[Emeraldshamrock]

Let her know however you want, the love and trust is gone. The trust is still there with your DC it is important you talk to the DC first about your plans the sooner the better.

[middleeasternpromise]

I remember your original post, I think you need to figure out what it is your wife does or says that impacts on your resolve to follow through. There is something incongruous about your certainty of how she has hurt and harmed your relationship and your instinctive belief leaving is the right thing to do but then when she gets wind of it, you struggle to hold your position? If you cant get on top of that, then your best bet is to put some distance between you and hope she will give up. The business and having a son will make a clean break difficult so I think you really need to find a way to hold your nerve - is there anyone you can recruit to help you stand firm and coach you when you are weakening?

[Purpleartichoke]

Do not tell her until you have the ability to go stay somewhere else. I made the mistake of telling my XH I was leaving before working our alternate accommodations. It was a nightmare for both of us.

[Hearhoovesthinkzebras]

@mellowww

Sounds perfectly reasonable. The relationship is dead. No sex, no closeness - presumably why she was interested in someone else. It was a symptom of the dead marriage rather than the cause of its demise.

She needs to stop feeling guilty and accept it happened because the marriage must have been done for for some time.

Your practical arrangements are perfect.

You are just further on than she is. You're out, for all the right reasons. She's still clinging on and thinking it's her fault.

Maybe help her by explaining that it's not because of the EA. That was just a symptom. You both now get your lives back 👌

Disagree with this post.

Whether the affair was a symptom of or the cause of is immaterial. If the marriage was dead in the water then the answer is to decide to end the marriage and leave, not to have an affair so for that reason op has no responsibility to explain anything nor assure her it's not her fault.

Have you had legal advice about separating assets op? Is she likely to take advantage of having access to everything once you've left? Maybe you should protect yourself before you tell her so that she can't plunder savings or run up.debts in your name?

[mellowww]

Sounds perfectly reasonable. The relationship is dead. No sex, no closeness - presumably why she was interested in someone else. It was a symptom of the dead marriage rather than the cause of its demise.

She needs to stop feeling guilty and accept it happened because the marriage must have been done for for some time.

Your practical arrangements are perfect.

You are just further on than she is. You're out, for all the right reasons. She's still clinging on and thinking it's her fault.

Maybe help her by explaining that it's not because of the EA. That was just a symptom. You both now get your lives back 👌

[ToBBQorNotToBBQ]

Just say bye then leave. Joking. I would say tell her now but how annoying would the whole 'please don't leave me' crap be. Or her hating on you for months. Good luck with that.

[AryaStarkWolf]

That sounds very fair of you Jack, hope it all works out for you

[Jack1964]

Thanks all
I will have to leave it closer to the end , otherwise I will be talked out of it.
My plan is to keep all assets joint for another year , her life shouldn’t change 1 iota until she gets herself organized
After a year we will split the 2 homes and divide all our assets 50/50
My son will not be surprised by our parting as we are constantly quarreling, sleep in separate rooms.
I was leaving it until Sept as he goes back to school..
My plan was to leave wife then fly over to the States where my 22 yr old son is in his final year of Uni,
Take him out for dinner and let him know the situation, too tell the truth I think he is so immersed into his own world that he will probably think it’s best.
We will both be around him for any support he may need.

[WhenISnappedAndFarted]

I was 17 when my parents split. My DM left the house and later that evening my DF told us that they'd split and she wasn't coming back.

Don't just drop the bombshell on your children, give them some time to process it. It really isn't fair and that way screwed me and my siblings up for years.