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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Free for all after a death.

144 replies

slightlyoutting · 09/07/2020 01:06

Backstory: I've inherited my grandparents house after looking after them for quite a few years and without sounding insensitive it's also my home as i've lived here for a couple of years too. My cousins have very rarely 'visited', with most holidays it's rare, and even rarer if it's not around Christmas/birthdays.

My Grandma died last winter, and my Grandad died a couple of months ago. My Grandparents wrote a will, the contents of the house goes to me and I was told to sort it all out myself - my grandad wants some of the boys to get his old tools and that's all i've got to go off.

One cousin said she's coming over next week 'to help me sort out the house'. I don't feel like I need help sorting it out as I had no intention of doing it next week, and she didn't bother helping out/visiting at all when they were alive. I hate the idea of the house becoming somewhat of a jumble sale with people rooting around to decide what they want. If she was just to ask for necklace, coffee set, Cliff Richard CD collection and the large wedding photo I would be fine and probably bag it up for her.

I've heard from another family member that (jumble) cousin isn't happy and feels like i'm blocking her out of her grandparents house and I shouldn't be greedy.

AIBU? And what's the best way to organise this? I've already split the jewellery and photos, and a few knick knacks people have asked for have been given out.

OP posts:

Gogogadgetarms · 09/07/2020 10:34

The contents were left to you, therefore there’s nothing to ‘go through’.
Tell your cousin if there is something they would like to advise accordingly but as legally the contents were left to you, so has no right to go through their belongings.

Maybe give her a copy of the will to hammer the point home?

pawsies · 09/07/2020 10:34

Been through this. Disgusting behaviour from relatives. Wanted to help.

Ok, it would be great if you could sort the fridge out which had food left over as that saves me a job. Oh also empty the bins that would be a great help.

Nope. Wanted to get in there grab stuff and didn't offer to help again funnily enough.

I don't speak to them anymore. They showed their true colours when they took silver wedding cutlery which was engraved with my parents initials.
That's not helping. That's stealing the valuable stuff.

PAND0RA · 09/07/2020 10:36

@TheresABearInThere

There’s always two sides to an inheritance issue

The only thing that matters is the law. The Op needs to speak to the executor, if that’s not her.

If she’s the executor and the one who has inherited the house and contents, then she’s fully entitled to politely put off the cousin. It would be kind of her to offer some items of sentimental value as shes said she intends to do.

Everyone is not “assuming she’s an angel“ . They are just going on what she’s posted. That’s how Mn works, it’s not a court of law and there’s no system for getting the opinion of everyone else involved.

billy1966 · 09/07/2020 10:37

OP, this relative is indeed looking for an excuse to root through YOUR house.

So crass.

A clear message that absolutely NO assistance is required.

They should contact the Executor if they require clarification on the Will.

riceuten · 09/07/2020 10:38

I think "help you sorting the house out" here = "help myself to any crockery and furniture that I fancy".

Baaaahhhhh · 09/07/2020 10:40

As some pp's have noted, almost regardless of who has inherited, the estate needs to go through probate, and that includes valuables. Assuming OP is executor and has done probate, and paid any IHT due, then, and only then is she in the position to distribute any items if she so wishes.

Also, until probate has been granted, legally it isn't OP's house, and the possessions in it aren't hers either.

lyralalala · 09/07/2020 10:41

@TheresABearInThere

Why does everyone assume OP is the angel in this story? Plenty of people screw their families over by manipulating living Grandparents to inherit the lot and get other family written out of the will. Maybe that’s what OP has done too.

All OP has said is that looked after them for “quite a few years” (how, by calling in once/week?), and it was her home as she moved in there two years ago. So does this mean she lived rent and expense free at her grandparents for two years, that would make her a CF doing her best to set up a cushy inheritance at her cousins and aunts expense.

There’s always two sides to an inheritance issue.

It doesn't matter, in terms of the cousin coming to help, if the OP is an angel or if she's the devil incarnate

If the cousins have an issue with the validity of the will, or believe the GP's were put under pressure, then there are legal ways to contest the will

As it is people are advising the OP based on the information in their post, which is all we can do really otherwise asking advice on anything on here would be fucking pointless

bringincrazyback · 09/07/2020 10:43

What disgusting attitudes a handful of posters on this thread are displaying.

inheritances bring out the worst in people.

So does conjecture if your post is anything to go by, @TheresABearInThere. Your posts are spiteful, nasty and based on pure guesswork. You could have stated there wasn't enough info to go on and left it at that, without drawing the deeply unpleasant hypothetical conclusions you felt the need to draw. You're conjuring up very cynical hypothetical situations here and then proceeding to judge the OP on them when you don't even have a clue if your hypothesis is right. You're also glossing over the fact that the OP's cousins hardly ever visited. The OP was there for her grandparents and looked after them when they were in need and it doesn't sound like their other relatives could be bothered.

Why if someone has done the last couple of years care when someone is at most vulnerable should they automatically inherit and it's always a sob sob story. Woe is me, these people are in my house.

@Paddy1234 this is a deeply unpleasant thing to say and you seem to have a very cynical view of what it is to care for an elderly relative. Is it really so hard to conceive that the OP's grandparents wanted her to have the house out of gratitude because she was there for them when other relatives couldn't be arsed? Caring for elderly relatives, as you will know if you've ever done it yourself, is extremely tough. It is the OP's house, personally I feel she's earned the right to it based on what she's told us here, and she's entitled to divide things as she sees fit.

Seems to me this thread might have touched a nerve with some people, but that's not an excuse for taking it out on a recently bereaved person on here that you don't even know. Disgusting.

OP I'm sorry for your loss.

Alsohuman · 09/07/2020 10:44

So does this mean she lived rent and expense free at her grandparents for two years, that would make her a CF doing her best to set up a cushy inheritance at her cousins and aunts expense

No, it would make her someone who looked after two old people 24/7 when nobody else could even be arsed to visit them and saved a fortune in care home fees.

Mittens030869 · 09/07/2020 10:56

So does this mean she lived rent and expense free at her grandparents for two years, that would make her a CF doing her best to set up a cushy inheritance at her cousins and aunts expense

No, it would make her someone who looked after two old people 24/7 when nobody else could even be arsed to visit them and saved a fortune in care home fees.

I agree with this response to that very nasty post. If the OP hadn't moved in to care for her GPs, the family would have had to put them in a care home, which would have cost a fortune.

WeBuiltThisBuffetOnSausageRoll · 09/07/2020 11:00

So does this mean she lived rent and expense free at her grandparents for two years, that would make her a CF doing her best to set up a cushy inheritance at her cousins and aunts expense

Even IF that had been her intention, there would have been nothing stopping any of the others from doing it to line themselves up for the big payout.

We have a nationwide issue whereby people just refuse to recognise any value in caring, whether for children, the disabled, vulnerable or elderly. It's only seen as 'helping out a bit' and 'just having to be there'. It's a crucial foundation of our society, and frequently exhausting and thankless, but those doing it are simply sitting on their arses and 'freeloading'.

TheresABearInThere · 09/07/2020 11:02

@bringincrazyback my posts are no more conjecture than yours based on the limited information OP has provided. We are asked to believe out of the entirety of OPs cousins and another unnamed other family member that OP is the only one who has given a single scrap of her time in years to her grandparents.

If her cousins and other family member number 30 people, it’s hugely unlikely that 29 of them are greedy grasping vultures with only OP the deserving beneficiary of her grandparents 80 years or so of life.

There’s always two sides to an inheritance issue and sometimes one is the truth.

attillathenun · 09/07/2020 11:04

Do not let her in OP. What is it about family deaths that make people turn into such vultures

Had an uncle who raided my granddads flat after he died. They had a strained relationship, my parents arranged all of his care when he was dying and uncle did sweet FA. I remember as a child going to grandads flat after uncle had been and he’d just cherry picked the stuff he wanted without even consulting my dad first. My dad was absolutely livid but not surprised. It’s now become an awful family joke that the only time you ever see said uncle is when a relative is dying and he turns up with the grim reaper ready to pinch your possessions 😳

eaglejulesk · 09/07/2020 11:10

There’s always two sides to an inheritance issue.

No, there's really not. A will stipulates what is to be left to who, and that's all that matters.

BlueJava · 09/07/2020 11:13

So sorry for your loss OP, that's really hard for you right now.
Tell your cousin - as well as anyone else - that you don't want help and they won't be helping you sort your house. If anything needs doing you'll do it in your own time.
Personally, if they really want to meet I'd see them outside of your home for a coffee and that's it - they wouldn't should not be coming in to "pick over" your things.

Destroyedpeople · 09/07/2020 11:14

Hm it is true that when we tell a story we paint ourselves in the best light....
I am sure the cousins would have a different story. And the truth might might be somewhere in the middle.

FizzyGreenWater · 09/07/2020 11:14

No!!!!!

Give yourself more time to think for a start by saying no, nothing is happening next week or at all until I'm ready to think about it.

Put the boundaries down NOW - it's your home! There is nothing to sort!!!!

MzHz · 09/07/2020 11:15

I also agree with changing the locks and yes to sending jumble et al a message to say that there is no sorting out to be done so thanks but no thanks

The joke is they have the gall to say you’re grabby @slightlyoutting! Talk about projection! They’re salivating over trying to get their hands on things left to you!!

Fairenuff · 09/07/2020 11:24

Just go by the terms of the will.

I would reply to say, 'That's ok thanks I don't need any help with sorting. I'll let you know when you can collect the tools that Grandad wanted X to have'.

And that's it. Done.

Chottie · 09/07/2020 11:36

OP - I would change the locks asap.

Sadly, I have heard of similar stories following deaths many, many times.

Frost1nMay · 09/07/2020 11:37

I would send an email to all your family members and be really clear

This is your home
If there are specific items of sentimental value they would like, please contact you directly
You will not throw away anything without letting the family know first and they can come and take it or it will be donated/dumped as appropriate

Then leave it and if anyone gets funny, just reiterate the above.

derxa · 09/07/2020 11:42

I don't t like these threads at all.Nothing at all against OP but feel that everything should be equal.Why if someone has done the last couple of years care when someone is at most vulnerable should they automatically inherit and it's always a sob sob story. Woe is me, these people are in my house.There are always many sides to the story.There will be executors. That is there job. Yes that's what I feel as well

RedOasis · 09/07/2020 11:59

You inherited it all as you were their Carer and you lived there. Everyone else took advantage of that fact. It’s now sour grapes cos you got the lot. Tell her you don’t want her help and not to come. Make sure you keep anything special or sentimental to you, and if you’re happy to, then ask family if there’s things that they would like. Then tell them when they can pick it up. If it’s something you’re keeping just say sorry that’s not available. Don’t let people start trawling through the house out of some sort of unecessary guilt. If your grandparents wanted them to have something they would have put it in a will.

ginghamtablecloths · 09/07/2020 11:59

I'm sorry to say that death often brings out the worst in some people - the vultures are circling if I may use that phrase. You had all the hard work of caring for them but CFs always make sure that they're around for the spoils. Sorry for your loss , you really don't need this to contend with too.

2bazookas · 09/07/2020 12:03

Just reply to her, " Sorry no, that's too soon. When I've got everything sorted out I'll let you know. "

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