Free for all after a death.

[slightlyoutting]

Backstory: I've inherited my grandparents house after looking after them for quite a few years and without sounding insensitive it's also my home as i've lived here for a couple of years too. My cousins have very rarely 'visited', with most holidays it's rare, and even rarer if it's not around Christmas/birthdays.

My Grandma died last winter, and my Grandad died a couple of months ago. My Grandparents wrote a will, the contents of the house goes to me and I was told to sort it all out myself - my grandad wants some of the boys to get his old tools and that's all i've got to go off.

One cousin said she's coming over next week 'to help me sort out the house'. I don't feel like I need help sorting it out as I had no intention of doing it next week, and she didn't bother helping out/visiting at all when they were alive. I hate the idea of the house becoming somewhat of a jumble sale with people rooting around to decide what they want. If she was just to ask for necklace, coffee set, Cliff Richard CD collection and the large wedding photo I would be fine and probably bag it up for her.

I've heard from another family member that (jumble) cousin isn't happy and feels like i'm blocking her out of her grandparents house and I shouldn't be greedy.

AIBU? And what's the best way to organise this? I've already split the jewellery and photos, and a few knick knacks people have asked for have been given out.

[EveryDayIsADuvetDay]

and sorry for your loss
(as well as having to deal with the grabby little cow)

[brushandmop]

Firstly, my condolences.

Initially I agreed with PP. Tell her it's not ok to come over.

But she was their granddaughter too. I used to think my cousins never bothered much. There is big age gap between us. They had their time with my grandparents before I was born. As they got older and had their own families we saw less of them.

[HoppingPavlova]

Just say, no that's fine you don't require any assistance, it's not convenient for you at present and you will be sorting things in the coming months and will be sending some things out at that point. End it by saying something along the line of, hopefully the whole Covid saga will be well and truly done by Xmas and hopefully you will be then be able to catch up.

[CopperBeeches]

Agree - just say - thanks but I am fine. Still sad so want to sort it out slowly in my own time - and prefer to be alone at home. And keep defelecting. Make sure you have the only key or chnage the locks so people don't pop round to help themsleves and just go to ground. Take your time.

I am in a similar situaiton (but parents) so understand whre you are coming from.

[MeridianB]

Do any of them have spare keys, OP?

[pussycatinboots]

@MeridianB

Do any of them have spare keys, OP?

Change all of the locks - every external door.
Tell Mrs Grabby Jumble not to bother coming.
Point out that this is YOUR HOME and it doesn't need a grabby cow someone to "sort it" for you.
Don't start giving away stuff that you might regret at a later date, just because they pressure you to do it.

Condolences for your loss. You obviously meant so much to them

[DarlingCoffee]

Sadly I think this kind of situation happens a lot. Be firm OP, tell them no, thank you - you are not to come - as be sure that they will otherwise.

I’m so sorry for your loss

[crosser62]

This brings out the worst in people, surprisingly so.

I cared for a sick elderly relative for the last 7 years of their life. Surfice to say my daily life was completely dominated by the personal care, shopping, cleaning, laundry, prescriptions, bills as well as working full time, I worked my shifts around this.
I did this together with another family member who committed as much as I did with her small children.
When this relative died, everything was left to her adult children, nothing for me at all.

The adult children who she didn’t see from one month to the next, all local, all within a 10 minute drive, all could easily have helped out but chose not to.
They were like vultures. It was like I never existed. Not a single word from any of them (except the other relative who shared the load)
One demanded “the money” right now as they were entitled to it, one never came near, not even for the funeral.
It left a very very bad taste in my mouth.

I absolutely adored my elderly relative, it was both a pleasure and a privilege to have been so close to them all my life, I miss them terribly even now 20 years on, but cannot understand how a lovely, gracious, kind and selfless person could have raised such awful people.
Boggles then mind.

[CrowdedHouseinQuarantine]

Do you genuinely need any help?
have they seen the house?

just say No if not op

[huuunderickssss]

Well it's your house and the contents are also yours now so tell them you don't need help and make sure it's locked so they can't get in !!

[Collaborate]

This is your home. Just tell them all that if they think they have the right to come and have a root through the contents of you home and take what they want they can fuck off. YANTA.

[rwalker]

Thank her for here offer say house doesn't need sorting and just ask her out right is there something personal that she would like to remember her grandparent by.

[ColdGreenTeaMug]

OP. If for any reason you do allow her to come in- make sure you remove or have sorted any paperwork.

I am a cynical soul and feel she might be looking for something relaitng to another will. Yoiu know- one where you did not inherit the house.

(Or maybe that is just my family.... looking at you Aunt)

[ColdGreenTeaMug]

by anotber will I mean an earlier will- if you know what I mean.

[Fruitsaladjelly]

‘Hi cousin, thanks so much for the offer of help but Granny and Grandad actually had planned ahead quite well and there is very little to do. They didn’t put it in the will but I know they wanted you and xxx to have a few things so I’ll be in touch soon and you can let me know if you want The carriage clock and the Staffordshire dogs, it would be lovely to see you so maybe we could get together soon and we can go through their photos as there might some of those you’d like too.’

[Babesinthewud]

This is where ‘money’ causes carnage within a family. It’s so sad that money can cause rows and resentment but it happens all the time.

This happened to one of my close relatives, Laura’. She inherited the lions share of an estate (half a house) and was executor of a will. The other family members received token amounts of money.

Well, when it came to sorting out the contents of house they were like vultures. Straight to the alcohol cupboard (expensive spirits etc) and jewellery and picking the expensive items. (Laura) had to say, I’ll have to ask ‘Sarah’ who was the other executor and also had the other half of the house.

One of the family members stormed out because Laura said she’s need to speak to Sarah before giving out certain items. That’s fair because 3 of the family members would have swiped the lot. Greedy and selfish.

Now they don’t really speak to Laura. It’s such a shame. But greed gets the better of people unfortunately, enough to tear relationships apart. It’s pathetic.

So OP your cousin sounds a bit like this l. So I wish you all the luck in your experiences. If it does go tits up then remember some people are just out for what they can get.

[SchadenfreudePersonified]

Thank her for here offer say house doesn't need sorting and just ask her out right is there something personal that she would like to remember her grandparent by.

I think this is good advice - you could add that if you feel you need her help, you'll get in touch.

(Laura) had to say, I’ll have to ask ‘Sarah’ who was the other executor and also had the other half of the house.

Laure was quite right not to give stuff away - strictly speaking nothing should be distributed before probate - it can easily happen that something is given to someone who shouldn't have, and the executors are hen responsible for any shortfall.

I've been in this position myself - siblings went NC with me when I was executor of Grandmother's will and refused to deviate from the strict letter of it.

[jackdaw141]

As always, some absolutely incorrect advice on MN.

You have to step back OP and establish who the executors are. They take possession of the estate and make decisions on how to administer it by reference back to the Will and any Letter of Wishes. You may well be an executor but that needs to be established by reading the Will. If you are then you have been put on notice that other relatives wish to plunder the house. Executors can be personally liable for any mismanagement of the estate and you would be within your right to change the locks immediately if you are an executor and have those costs reimbursed to you.

Check who the executors are, make contact with them. Then, and only then, start from there. Or you may well receive a letter from a relatives solicitor and a claim you have mismanaged the estate or worse that you are stealing from it.

MN is a great black to bounce ideas off people, but for this sort of thing if you are an executor you need to see a solicitor specialising in probate and trusts. Otherwise it may cost you dear.

[Snowsquonk]

My grandmother spent the last few years of her life living with my parents. When she died my parents asked other relatives if they would like back any of the items which they had given to Granny as a gift. That worked quite well.

[ShebaShimmyShake]

So you live there too? Even better, you can tell her it's not convenient and anyway you don't need any help sorting it out because it's not some abandoned warehouse, it's your home.

They left it to you, which would be enough even if you hadn't completely earned it, which you have. Don't let them pressure you. Identify what you're happy with not keeping and offer that to them, entirely in your own time.

[madcatladyforever]

tell her in no uncertain terms that she cannot visit as you are still grieving and not ready to have visitors rooting through the house yet.
What a nerve.

[eaglejulesk]

@Bahhhhhumbug - I feel sorry for you. I am going through a similar problem with money my mother left to me after her death. Her step-children, who were all adults when she married their father, are wanting more of a share of the money (she did leave some to them) and it really is unpleasant. One email sent to the solicitor was vile. Wills really do bring out the worst in people. Good luck, and stand your ground.

OP I would be telling your cousin that you don't require any help at present. Don't worry about what other family members say - your grandparents left the house and contents to you, that was their wishes, and you are not obliged to share anything. The greedy person is not you!

[CupoTeap]

Just tell them the truth, I'm still grieving and am not changing anything at home thx

[Disfordarkchocolate]

People are so greedy. No one is ever advised to rush things after a bereavement so take your time. Your living there, I'm sure you can manage to sort out you grandparents personal belongs when you feel upto it. People may want a moment but it sounds like for some of your family this means hunting for valuables.

[Thisisworsethananticpated]

Tell jumble you don’t need any help
But you will send them all a
Long inventory and they can decide between them what they want
Be prepared to lose all links with cousins