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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

It's her money but should there be restrictions

140 replies

moolady1977 · 08/07/2020 23:20

My three DC have been left a rather big lump sum of money when they reach 21 and it has just come to light there is another lump sum for them but it's not been mentioned in the will ,now my DD wants to use some as a deposit and rent for a private rented house and for driving lessons a car and stuff for the baby she is expecting ,the youngest D's wants to get a bike license and get a bike and his bike test done . I don't have any problems with this but the DC's father is kicking off saying they shouldn't waste it they should bank it for when they are older but on my eyes it's stuff they need now and neither of us have the money to give them . I'm just asking for opinions really on what you would do in this situation

OP posts:
W1nterSummer20 · 09/07/2020 09:35

Did you have to tell them that they had inherited a considerable amount before they were 21 ?

Nottherealslimshady · 09/07/2020 09:36

It's their money, they're adults. Also it's not even wasting money, rent, baby supplies, driving lessons. Wtf does he want them to spend it in? What would he spend it on if it was his?

SheikhaPinty · 09/07/2020 09:38

OP you’re still not answering what the plan was or could’ve been if this new inheritance hadn’t come to light? After all you’ve only recently stumbled upon it.
Are you saying there would have been no other alternative but the streets?

FortunesFave · 09/07/2020 09:40

It IS her business but she needs guidance. You're her Mother.

Advise her properly.

Twisique · 09/07/2020 09:54

If she adds the two pots of money she might have enough for a deposit on a flat in the future.

ohdearmymistake · 09/07/2020 09:54

The more I hear the more I'm understanding theirs fathers concerns.

What your son wants to do is fine, but not a motor bike perhaps a push bike. It's possible to start driving lessons at 16 so he will be ready to drive at 17 ( that sounds to young to drive but that's a different thread).

Your daughter is far more problematic though. Learning to drive and getting a good second hand car is sensible, paying rent to house the boyfriend and his other children not so sensible.
Ideally she would come back home only spend on the lessons and car then not touch the rest of the money till she's ready to buy a home. Her money will be gone in no time.

SuzieCarmichael · 09/07/2020 09:57

Did this man know about the money when he got her pregnant ?

LadyOfTheImprovisedBath · 09/07/2020 09:58

DC's father is kicking off saying they shouldn't waste it they should bank it for when they are older but on my eyes it's stuff they need now and neither of us have the money to give them . I'm just asking for opinions really on what you would do in this situation

DD is 18 - I'd let her father talk to her directly about his concerns as she's an adult all either of you can do is advise. You can tell her what you said here ideally you'd have her back home and invest the money but given circumsatnces using the money now is hardly a waste.

DS 16/17 - if it's a motorbike I'b be more wary as DH then mid 30s did nothing wrong was nearly killed by a car driver who police didn't bother charging as it was a "bad junction" despite witness more than willing to say other driver entrie fault. DH uncle gave up his motrobike just before as he said car drivers today are awful to bikers. I also think given ages you and their Dad do have more of a say in the money but talking through all options rather than dictating would probably be best.

00100001 · 09/07/2020 10:07

I stand by my guess that in 3 years when her next inheritance comes through... the DP won't be in the picture - let alone working hard to find a house where their blended family can live together ... because obviously he;'s trying to get custody from the mother as she's hanging round with druggies....

66redballons · 09/07/2020 10:14

If life is too easy for two unemployed people where is the incentive to work? Your dh is right to be cautious. 18 is a young adult. They need guidance.
The info about your dd partner and his children changes my advice massively. If he isn’t working who will be providing for his children ? The inheritance fund? Maybe it’s ruthless but I’m too old for romance in these issues .
If she were my dd I would advising that she secure her finances. If they split she is going to be landed with the rent on a large house that she doesn’t need.

Itwasntme1 · 09/07/2020 10:20

They are still young and while it’s not a life changing sum of money it would be a shame of they spent it all now.

Could you do a deal with them? They spend a proportion of it now, on transport, housing or education and place he rest aside for their future.

House despite are hard to save for - but they might not want to own their own house.

Are they planning on going to university?

Original poster
moolady1977 · 09/07/2020 10:27

@66redballons they were both working before lockdown but lost their jobs due to it and are both looking for work even though my dd knows there are not many places that will set on a pregnant woman her partner is applying for every job he sees but as yet as had no luck

OP posts:
OhCaptain · 09/07/2020 10:34

Wait, she’s 18 now? How long are they together and how old is he??

PerfectPenquins · 09/07/2020 10:38

I'm with dad on this one and I do think your dd will regret dunding her partner and his other kids. She needs to put her baby first not him and his kids. My daughters are young still but set to inherit a large amount from their dads awfully early passing. It worries me every day and I'm trying to figure out the best way to save it for them once its paid in the next few weeks. Your daughter could quite possibly end up a single mum and saving that money could really help her get secure housing in the future. She is an adult but I would she will listen and consider what her dad is saying. But then we all think we know everything at that age.

CorianderLord · 09/07/2020 10:39

Ability to transport themselves and live independently is a perfect use of money...

FlaviaAlbiaWantsLangClegBack · 09/07/2020 10:55

Sounds like an issue he needs to be proactive about and sort out himself. Not rely on his barely an adult and now pregnant girlfriends inheritance to solve his problems

How old is he?

Cheeseandwin5 · 09/07/2020 10:57

@Couchbettato
Sounds like it's not your husband's business to me.

Yes,why should be a father be interested in the lives of his teenage children??

00100001 · 09/07/2020 11:08

@Couchbettato

Sounds like it's not your husband's business to me.
If it's not the dad's business, then it's not OPs business...
dizzyprincess · 09/07/2020 11:12

Are they able to get the money before 21? If yes, I’d say no they should not do this.

If they have to wait 3-6 years they will hopefully change their minds anyway.

I would be discouraging your dd from wasting it on renting a house for a new partner and his children. You don’t need to spend much on a new baby. A car for her and driving lessons would be good though.

I’d also discourage a bike for your ds. A car would be a better option. But a lot could change for him in 6 years. So I would tell him to forget about it.

ohdearmymistake · 09/07/2020 11:21

dizzy

It's 20k each when they reach 21 plus another 10k now

JanewaysBun · 09/07/2020 11:35

I would encourage both to get driving lessons and a second hand car.

Tbh that's going to use up 10k each I would say. 2k for 10 lessons min (so probably more like 3k. I reckon I had 20-25 lessons) then a second hand car min 4k. Then that leaves 3-4k for insurance (probably around 1k for new driver), tax, petrol, small pot to cover repairs etc.

Surely there will be no money left until 21 after that? I do think that's useful though

Once they are 21 i would encourage them both to spend the money on a small flat deposit. They will never have that chance again.

dizzyprincess · 09/07/2020 11:39

Ok it’s probably fine to waste the 10k now, they might be more careful with the remaining money when it comes.

Id still discourage the bike and rent though. Cars and driving lessons would be better.

00100001 · 09/07/2020 11:45

YY to encourage pregnant daughter to use money for lessons, car and insurance... It will give her freedom that she will definitely need when DP fucks off in a year or so

Xenia · 09/07/2020 11:47

£20k each at 21 and £10k each now -not very much really - less than I have paid on university fees for my twins. If they have been left the £10k now by someone on the basis they can do what they like with it the 18 year old pregnant daughter is an adult. The 16 year old son is not so his parents can legally control him more.

I have given my children money for education (university fees etc) and for a first property but not more generally eg I have helped them buy a property but that money was not available for a motor bike or rent.

I agree with posters above that driving lessons are useful - all 5 of mine passed their test at 17 and most did their driving theory test on or just after their 17th birthdays even! Avoid a motor bike - my doctor father saw too many young men in A&E to encourage that.

The 18 year old might want to use her £10k for childcare whilst she goes to university for example if her A levels (if she has any) are high enough.

lyralalala · 09/07/2020 12:00

Only @Xenia could describe 30k as "not very much"