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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

It's her money but should there be restrictions

140 replies

moolady1977 · 08/07/2020 23:20

My three DC have been left a rather big lump sum of money when they reach 21 and it has just come to light there is another lump sum for them but it's not been mentioned in the will ,now my DD wants to use some as a deposit and rent for a private rented house and for driving lessons a car and stuff for the baby she is expecting ,the youngest D's wants to get a bike license and get a bike and his bike test done . I don't have any problems with this but the DC's father is kicking off saying they shouldn't waste it they should bank it for when they are older but on my eyes it's stuff they need now and neither of us have the money to give them . I'm just asking for opinions really on what you would do in this situation

OP posts:

SillyMoomin · 09/07/2020 06:43

Agreed with antipodean

Bigger issue is the DD’s bf who has two kids already yet will be funded through your daughters inheritance

Bluntness100 · 09/07/2020 06:55

I don’t really understand this either op. You say they get it when they are twenty one, but they are only sixteen and eighteen now. So do they not have to wait another three and five years?

SheikhaPinty · 09/07/2020 06:55

OP what would you and your DD have done in this situation had she not Come into money because believe it or not she would have found another way and you would be thinking very differently. You seem to have come to conclusion (bearing in mind the inheritance) that the only way is for her to get a private rental which seems illogical when you don’t have a job!

Don’t let the money become a snare to her! I can see the whole amount being blown in as little as 3yrs with nothing to show for it. There is a reason the grandmother stipulated when they become “21yrs” before they get her inheritance. Too much easy money can ruin a person, it all sounds sincere now and I’m sure she absolutely means it but don’t be surprised if she NEVER finds another job! Her “partner” and his kids will also feed off on her money, when the money runs out it’ll be a shit show.

You can say it’s not my business, or anyone’s business for that matter but mark my words this is what will happen. Dad is right.

okiedokieme · 09/07/2020 07:01

Your dd will need to declare that money if she's receiving any benefits, spending on driving lessons seems sensible to me, she's obviously adult enough to decide to have a baby

FortunesFave · 09/07/2020 07:04

honestly OP.....it's up to her as she's an adult but if it were my DD I'd be telling her to move home.

She's in a shared house...not with her partner...so she can just pack up and come home to you.

Why should she spend that money on a house for a partner who has two kids already and is unemployed?

dododotheconga · 09/07/2020 07:09

She is very young and having a baby. I think encouraging her to return home to you would be a far better bet. I totally agree re her funding a man who has two children already.

Figgygal · 09/07/2020 07:11

It all seems redundant if they can’t get the money until they’re 21 your dd is 3 years off and your son 5
Or are you talking about the lump sum?

Carandi · 09/07/2020 07:12

So your DD is going to have to rent a larger property than she would need herself as she has to make room for her boyfriend's kids to visit at weekends? I'd be telling her to make sure the rental is in her name only in case the relationship doesn't work out. Seems like this BF will be doing very nicely out of your DDs inheritance.

Sailingblue · 09/07/2020 07:13

I would want the 18 year old home as well regardless of the inheritance. Was she 17 when she got pregnant with her partner? It just seems very young to be in this situation with someone they already had two children. If they’ve both lost their jobs how will they provide for the child (and the other children). A shared house is clearly not going to be ideal with a newborn and she is vulnerable to the father buggering off if they don’t live together anyway. How will they manage childcare if she wants to return to work? The inheritance will be gone quickly but I don’t think that’s really the main issue here.

Ickabog · 09/07/2020 07:24

@Carandi

This was my first thought.

Op I really do think your DD would benefit from coming home and having time to plan / think things through, rather than rushing into what is likely to be a costly mistake.

Bluntness100 · 09/07/2020 07:31

I think it’s the ten k from the pension they get now. It doesn’t really make sense the way it’s written. And the twenty thousand comes when they are twenty one.

The youngest buying a bike to get to college seems a good plan, the daughter is obviously more of a concern.

Usually these things take time to go through probate, but if the money is due now, then I’d be with your husband you daughter is going to blow through that money quickly if she’s using it for rent for her and her partner and the children and driving lessons.

What will she do in a few months when none is left if she can’t find a job. What will she do for child care if she does? Is he willing to care for their baby whilst she works? Many rentals don’t accept housing benefit so in six months she could be out and homeless.

I’d be bringing her home if I could, she’s eighteen, unemployed, likely no qualifications and with an unemployed bouncer who already has two kids.

Where would they all live if they didn’t have this money?

GreatWesternValkyrie · 09/07/2020 07:37

If your children don’t get this inheritance til they’re 21 and they’re currently 16 and 18, why is their father “kicking off” about what they’re saying they’d like to do? They can’t do those things and their needs/preferences might be quite different in 3/5 years time anyway, so it’s all hypothetical at this point surely? 🤷‍♀️

NeonK · 09/07/2020 07:39

I read it as there are two pots of money- 20k that they'll get when they're 21, but another 10k they're going to get now. It's this 10k that the discussion is about.

theemmadilemma · 09/07/2020 07:43

I inherited at 16, 18 and lastly out of trust at 21.

At 21 I was just about old enough to use the money wisely. At 16, and 18 while I had 'plans' which seemed sensible, it all got wasted in the end.

I always said I was far too young, even 21 was pushing it and that I wish it had all been held until at least 21, better 25.

TennisButterfly · 09/07/2020 07:45

I honestly think, in the long run, both your children would regret not saving the money for a house deposit.
I agree the relationship your daughter is in doesn't sound like it's forever but it is for now and if she wants to have a rented home with him she will, whether she comes to regret it is another matter.
I wouldn't want my DS on a bike, I don't like that DH has one but it does make his cross city commute much easier than sitting in traffic. I can see your DS logic but if he struggles with a facemask on the bus has he considered how he will be wearing his helmet, I have one for the rare occasion I go on the back of DHs bike and find it a bit claustrophobic and I don't have issues covering my face.

NeedAUsernameGenerator · 09/07/2020 07:52

The pension may pay the money directly to DD if she's one of the named beneficiaries but be prepared for it to take some time, she can't rely on it being available by a certain date. For DS as he's under 18 I would expect an adult would have control of it, which would probably be his father as it's coming from his family. So not much you can do in either case. I might be wrong though, their Dad would probably have the right information about it.

GreatWesternValkyrie · 09/07/2020 07:53

Oh I just saw a newer post about it being the pension that they are getting access to now? Your son’s wish to get a vehicle seems like a pretty normal and sensible thing to want to do, that’s hardly a waste of money.

Your daughter’s situation is different, with a baby on the way and no work, driving lessons and a car seem like ka low priority but paying rent and providing for the baby may become an essential use of the money, if getting new jobs takes some time.

Meanwhile, perhaps their father could try having a calm and rational conversation with them about their options instead of this kicking off nonsense.

Disfordarkchocolate · 09/07/2020 08:00

I would be happy for them to use some of the extra money now. Say, about £4000. I'd be more worried about my son being able to afford a bike to fast for his experience than anything else.

EveryDayIsADuvetDay · 09/07/2020 08:04

Sounds like there was a restriction - they don't access the money until they are 21.

LakieLady · 09/07/2020 08:05

She needs to be sure the benefits people will accept a year's rent as a legitimate expense and not expect her to live on it completely for several months first

It may be different in other areas where rented properties aren't so hard to come by, but I have helped clients do this and explained to the DWP that because of their poor credit/being on benefits, the only way that they could get a property was by paying 6 or 12 months rent in advance.

It's never caused a problem.

However, I think your daughter would be wise to consider returning to work when she's had the baby and buying, if the sums add up. I suppose it all depends on whether you live in the absurdly expensive south or somewhere where property is cheaper.

Are you allowed to release funds early, OP? When my DSS inherited £40k from his GM, it was held in a trust until he was 30, unless the trustees (his parents and GF) agreed otherwise. By the time he was 21, the original £40k was over £100k and he wanted to buy a property. The trustees all agreed and he used it to buy a rundown house in Brighton and do it up.

He now has a lovely house and a small mortgage that is more than covered by the rent from the friend who shares with him. He's better off than all of us, and he's not 30 yet!

thecapitalsunited · 09/07/2020 08:10

One problem you might have is that if the trust is very specific then your DC can legally demand their money at 18 regardless of what was in the will. If your daughter wants to claim benefits, the fact that she legally owns that money should be declared.

SavoyCabbage · 09/07/2020 08:13

If she was mine I think I’d encourage her to keep things as they are at the moment as if she had t received this unexpected windfall and continue to live in the house share as planned or rent a very small (cheap) place with just one room for her and the baby and wait until she is 21 to buy somewhere.

Where do the two children stay now?

Charleyhorses · 09/07/2020 08:14

I get it.
In principle no problem. Sounds sensible. On practice I am with her father in concern about her fronting up the rent for her partner and his kids when she is only 18 herself. It just sounds off to me. I know from personal experience that you might as well talk to wall as a stubborn teen but it wouldn't sit well with me. Hopefully over the next 3 years She will mature before she comes into the rest of it and will ringfence that with her own future in mind. Tbh, maybe she will learn a lesson with this 10k

Charleyhorses · 09/07/2020 08:16

And I would also worry myself stupid about a motorbike, but that's just me!

PlatoAteMySnozcumber · 09/07/2020 08:17

I think spending an inheritance on every day expenses is wasting it. Yes there are costs that need to be met, but a nest egg isn’t for living expenses.

DD’s situation sounds quite precarious to me and I wouldn’t encourage whittling away at a lump sum to provide large enough accommodation for her partner’s children.

I say this as someone who received a lump sum at 18 and wasted it on things I considered important but on reflection were not a wise use of the money.

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