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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

It's her money but should there be restrictions

140 replies

moolady1977 · 08/07/2020 23:20

My three DC have been left a rather big lump sum of money when they reach 21 and it has just come to light there is another lump sum for them but it's not been mentioned in the will ,now my DD wants to use some as a deposit and rent for a private rented house and for driving lessons a car and stuff for the baby she is expecting ,the youngest D's wants to get a bike license and get a bike and his bike test done . I don't have any problems with this but the DC's father is kicking off saying they shouldn't waste it they should bank it for when they are older but on my eyes it's stuff they need now and neither of us have the money to give them . I'm just asking for opinions really on what you would do in this situation

OP posts:
PyongyangKipperbang · 09/07/2020 01:03

@FortunesFave

I'd be cautious....if it's a LOT of money then I'd definitely be guiding them towards buying a house.

If Dd is expecting a baby, she needs to think of the future and I'd be saving for a deposit on a house I could buy. Not wasting money on rent.

And where is she to live until then?
Original poster
moolady1977 · 09/07/2020 01:50

So DD is 18 youngest ds is 16 they have a lump sum of about 20 thousand each when they hit 21 the other amount has come about from a pension plan that was found in the belongings of their uncle who died this isn't mentioned in the will but will give them another 10 thousand each ,the DD is currently living in private rented shared accommodation ,she lost her job when we went into lockdown and the place can't afford to reopen ,the ds is off to college so the bike would help him with that plus he will also hopefully end up with a placement .
The DC aren't talking about pissing it up against a wall to me it's sensible stuff they are wanting to use it on, once baby is here my DD will be trying to get back into work but this will give her a bit of breathing space and not having to worry about somewhere to live . There will still be the larger amount of money to put as a deposit if they want to when they are older

OP posts:
Couchbettato · 09/07/2020 01:54

Sounds like it's not your husband's business to me.

lyralalala · 09/07/2020 01:57

Your DD needs to take specialised advise. If she's going to be claiming benefits until she's back in work then any money that is readily available to her will need to be declared and used.

Loveinatimeofcovid · 09/07/2020 02:03

I wouldn’t allow my sixteen year old to have a bike for the obvious reasons but otherwise I don’t see the issue with letting them spend their money how they want. In an ideal world they’d invest it, now is a great time to pick up a bargain on the stock market, but if they’re not confident doing that that’s their business. Leaving it idle the way their father suggests would be downright stupid.

ThePants999 · 09/07/2020 02:04

They SHOULDN'T waste it, they should use it for something sensible. However, it sounds like that's exactly what they're planning to do!

PyongyangKipperbang · 09/07/2020 02:07

@lyralalala

Your DD needs to take specialised advise. If she's going to be claiming benefits until she's back in work then any money that is readily available to her will need to be declared and used.
This is very true, although if she pays a year upfront it will take her under the threshold straight away.

Not advocating that, just sayin'

Trying to work out ex's mind set. Is he as tight as a ducks arse in general? Wondering if he sees this money as a way to avoid helping them in later life if they need it.
Or is it his brother who passed and he feels some emotional connection to his brothers savings/investments?

Original poster
moolady1977 · 09/07/2020 02:12

The bike is to give him that bit of independence for college hopefully a placement and he is joining up to the local football squad none of his friends live close by and he can't/won't take the bus due to not being able to handle the mask over his mouth and nose he panics it's too far to walk or go on a push bike and his dad won't take him .

The DD doesn't want to take on something she may not be able to afford if she can't get into full time work after having the baby ,the larger lump sum can go towards a depositalthough not for a couple of years and will give her chance to find and settle into a full-time job

OP posts:
lyralalala · 09/07/2020 02:12

This is very true, although if she pays a year upfront it will take her under the threshold straight away.

She needs to take advice before she does that

She needs to be sure the benefits people will accept a year's rent as a legitimate expense and not expect her to live on it completely for several months first

It'll also depend how the trust is set up for the turning 21 part. If there is access for reasonable use, or the ability to overturn it, that could be expected as well

FortunesFave · 09/07/2020 02:16

Is DD currently living with you? But she wants to move out now?

I understand her desire to be on her own feet and have a home but what was the plan before this 10 grand popped up? Was she planning on staying at yours?

I'd be encouraging her to do that. Looking after your own home and a new baby at 18 is hard. Does she have a partner?

Original poster
moolady1977 · 09/07/2020 02:17

@PyongyangKipperbang it is his brother no emotional connection but seems to think it would be better sat there will they struggle ,there is also a house to be split between the 3 DC eventually .
I just see it as this is a surprise windfall and if it can help them now and they still have a lump sum then let it help them now not look good sat in the bank

OP posts:
Original poster
moolady1977 · 09/07/2020 02:21

@FortunesFave no she is living in a shared private rent she was hoping to move out before lockdown happened but lost her job so lost the opportunity ,yes she has a partner but he also lost his job as he works door security and is struggling to find anything else

OP posts:
Iloveyoutothefridgeandback · 09/07/2020 02:24

None of those things sound like a waste of money to me..? It's not as if they're investing in emu farms and taking up cocain.

I'd try and steer them in responsible directions and give advice but ultimately would leave them to make their own choices.

Antipodeancousin · 09/07/2020 02:42

I actually agree that if possible the money should not be spent on daily living expenses. Renting and learning to drive are all normal things people work out ways to do it without inheritance.
Your DD having the baby is in a crappy situation and unless there is some massive backstory I would be inviting her to live in my home, not encouraging her to throw away her future house deposit on private renting and a new pram.

PyongyangKipperbang · 09/07/2020 02:51

@Antipodeancousin

I actually agree that if possible the money should not be spent on daily living expenses. Renting and learning to drive are all normal things people work out ways to do it without inheritance. Your DD having the baby is in a crappy situation and unless there is some massive backstory I would be inviting her to live in my home, not encouraging her to throw away her future house deposit on private renting and a new pram.
Really?

You'd push an independently living woman who is having a baby to move back home, presumably with her partner with all that entails in order to fund a mythical future house purchase that they either a) may not want or b) not be able to afford?

Its £10,000. it could keep them going for a good period while she has the baby and he finds another job. If they were talking about blowing half a mill then you'd have a point but she still has £20k in the bank and a third share in a house to come. Hardly going to leave her destitute when its gone is it?

PyongyangKipperbang · 09/07/2020 02:52

And I wasnt aware that providing for ones child is considered "throwing money away". What exactly is she supposed to put the baby in?! Every day is a school day.....

Jullyria · 09/07/2020 03:04

This reply has been deleted

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PyongyangKipperbang · 09/07/2020 03:14

Tut mir leid, Sie zu enttäuschen, aber niemand ist interessiert! Ich habe dich wieder gemeldet

Original poster
moolady1977 · 09/07/2020 03:14

@Antipodeancousin yes they are things people do anyway but when lockdown hit my DD lost her job as did her partner , no massive back story DD had lived with me then as a pp said became independent living with her partner ,he has two children who stay every weekend we have my oh dd and my youngest ds on a weekend , I could invite her here but she wouldn't come as there wouldn't be space for them all so the obvious solution is a roof over her head her partner and his children's heads and a roof over the babies head when it arrives

OP posts:
Josette77 · 09/07/2020 03:50

How old is her partner? She's 18 and her partner already has two kids?

PyongyangKipperbang · 09/07/2020 04:12

@Josette77

How old is her partner? She's 18 and her partner already has two kids?
I have to admit I was wondering that. An 18 year old having a baby with a man old enough to have 2 under his belt already would worry me far more than the money issue.

I am beginning to think that perhaps keeping the money back until she really needs it might not be such a bad idea after all...

Purpleartichoke · 09/07/2020 04:22

Something like a bike for getting to college really should come out of your budget, not your son’s.

It sounds like the money is coming from the father’s side. I think that gives him more of a say. I also think waiting until 21 is wise. This is especially true since the oldest is already making questionable choices like a 3rd child into a relationship at 18.

FortunesFave · 09/07/2020 04:22

I'd be encouraging my DD to come home to me and get some qualifications whilst saving hard for her own house.

Not waiting for her older partner to get another job as a doorman and spending her inheritance on rent for them both!

If that sounds judgmental well I'm sorry but that's the truth.

BoomBoomsCousin · 09/07/2020 05:51

As far as your daughter is concerned it doesn’t really matter what her father says, she’s an adult and the money will be dispersed according to the pension funds rules. Her father’s opinion on restrictions is irrelevant he can only try and persuade her to see it his way.

You 16 year old is slightly different as you may still have some control, but legally I’m not sure how much.

I think their father has a bit of a point. - if they could have managed without the money before it was on the horizon, then it will probably be better in the long run to manage without it for now - unless it’s an investment that will increase their future earnings. An extra 10k is another 50% and turns the nice 20k lump sum into something more substantial. But it’s not his (or my) call.

Antipodeancousin · 09/07/2020 05:52

But if your daughter cannot use this inheritance for rent what is she going to do? Unless you’re in a very low demand area she isn’t going to get council accommodation in time for the baby’s arrival. I am unclear about where her partner is currently living if she is in shared accommodation but he is having his kids every weekend.
I’m sorry OP, call me cynical but it just sounds like a temporary relationship. Do you not have any concerns about him? He already has two kids and she is only 18. I wouldn’t support her using inheritance to pay for housing for him and his other kids. She would be so much better off at home with your support so she can go back to education.