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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

It's her money but should there be restrictions

140 replies

moolady1977 · 08/07/2020 23:20

My three DC have been left a rather big lump sum of money when they reach 21 and it has just come to light there is another lump sum for them but it's not been mentioned in the will ,now my DD wants to use some as a deposit and rent for a private rented house and for driving lessons a car and stuff for the baby she is expecting ,the youngest D's wants to get a bike license and get a bike and his bike test done . I don't have any problems with this but the DC's father is kicking off saying they shouldn't waste it they should bank it for when they are older but on my eyes it's stuff they need now and neither of us have the money to give them . I'm just asking for opinions really on what you would do in this situation

OP posts:

mummmy2017 · 09/07/2020 08:21

To be honest, your DD getting the car bit sorted and a safe car to drive is important, as it means independent from the partner.
It means she will not be trapped inside the house each day as a new mum.

NailsNeedDoing · 09/07/2020 08:26

What’s the point of worrying if they can’t access the money for another few years anyway?

Are you suggesting that they are given their inheritance early? When they’re 21 it won’t matter what you or your ex think, the money will be there for them to use on whatever they want.

Original poster

moolady1977 · 09/07/2020 08:28

I do understand what some pp are saying about my dd partner yes he is older than her they both live in the same place which is why they were getting a private rent before lockdown but then both lost their jobs through it .They are down on lists for council/ housing association property but what they can bid for is very few and far between,
He was told when my dd got pregnant and before we knew about the money that he could walk away from her and the baby and didn't want ,
Yes like I said he is older with 2 DC but that relationship broke down because while he was at work his ex partner wanted to screw around with the local druggie.
He lost his job due to lockdown but was part of a successful team and has been applying for every job he sees and hears about and is trying everywhere my DD will be going back to work when she has baby and childcare will be split within the family .
In an ideal world my dd would come and live with me but it's not so we are trying to sort out what's best but thank you all for your opinions and views

OP posts:

hammeringinmyhead · 09/07/2020 08:28

A car makes sense, with driving lessons for DD. However I agree that a year's rent to house her older boyfriend and his kids is a waste of money. It'll be gone by spring and then what? I'm not surprised your H isn't on board.

Ickabog · 09/07/2020 08:30

nails

I think from what the OP is saying there are 2 pots of money. 10k which they have access to now, and 20k which they will have access to when they're 21.

GabriellaMontez · 09/07/2020 08:30

How long has your daughter been with her boyfriend. Is be very worried about her supporting him and his childen like this. She has a baby on the way. He is unemployed. Find ways to protect her. Agree her name only on tenancy agreement.

Ickabog · 09/07/2020 08:34

OP where do the boyfriends children stay now? Does he already rent somewhere?

my DD will be going back to work when she has baby and childcare will be split within the family

I thought DD had lost her job? I wouldn't count on her being able to return to work so quickly. A lot of people will in a similar position.

Original poster

moolady1977 · 09/07/2020 08:40

As a pp has said she is 18 I cannot make her do anything if circumstances were different I would be saying invest but as they aren't I'm just wanting her to have a roof over her and babies head and know she won't come to mine or her dads so this money will put the roof there until she can get back to work and hopefully get her transport to look further afield for work.
The ds will be restricted as to what cc bike he can have I think it's a 50cc which are restricted to about 35 mph he can wear a bike mask it's the tightness of a face mask he struggles with he wants the bike for college and hopefully the placement he will get and has already said as soon as he can he wants to pass his car test to give him more job opportunities

OP posts:

00100001 · 09/07/2020 08:44

SPending her inheritance on rent is a HUGE WASTE OF MONEY.

She's better off squirrelling it away as a deposit for a small flat/house for herself and her child. Even if she has to "hide" it from the powers that be.

I'm sorry, but I'm going to assume that her DP wont be in the picture in two years and if she proceeds with the rental plan, she'll find herself penniless and alone trying to house her and her child.

Unless you're going to tell me her DP is an excellent father to his first 2 kids, he sees them regularly and financially contributes to their upkeep without complaint and above and beyond the bare minimum. How is he going to financially support 3 kids?

Original poster

moolady1977 · 09/07/2020 08:45

@Ickabogmy dd and her partner live together in the shared private rent and when the dc stay the adults use the dining room on a pull out bed . She has lost her job and yes lots of people will be in the same boat and work will be difficult to find but they will both have childcare taken care off through family.
They were both working before lockdown and where already looking at a private rent just for them and the dc

OP posts:

Original poster

moolady1977 · 09/07/2020 08:50

@00100001 yes he is an excellent father who looks after his other dc without complaint and provides for them over and above ,him providing for all his DC I have no qualms abouts

OP posts:

SuzieCarmichael · 09/07/2020 08:56

What kind of shared housemates put up with kids to visit every weekend and people sleeping in the dining room?!

Anyway, that’s by the by. She must save the money, not fritter it away. It sounds as though she and her partner are low earners; can you imagine how long it would take her to save that amount?! Perhaps if she thinks about it that way, she will realise how important it is. Doesn’t she want to buy a house in future? If I was her I’d be making a three year plan to gain skills and qualifications and increase my income to the point where she can qualify for a mortgage when she turns 21 and inherits the rest of the money. Then use all £30k of it for a deposit.

DibDibDibduh · 09/07/2020 09:05

The age restriction was specified for a reason

Yamashita40 · 09/07/2020 09:05

My nephew and niece have just inherited 50k each at 21 and 19. The girl who is 21 has already worked and gained qualifications since she was 16. She plans to invest it and save further while living at home so she can be more or less mortgage free by the time she buys.

The lad is 19. He dropped out of uni when he heard about it. He now plans to chill til his mates finish uni (in 2 years!!) and then have a year travelling.

I think I know which one will regret how it was spent.

I'm really really good with money now but at 21 I would have completely wasted it.

I just think when they're trying to scrape together a house deposit to buy they'll wish they'd done differently.

Also I have two sons and I've told them both I'll buy them cars but I'll never allow them to buy a motorbike. Had far too many people I know die on one.

00100001 · 09/07/2020 09:08

So how are the sleeping arrangements going to work once a baby is on the scene?

VenusClapTrap · 09/07/2020 09:08

There is no way I would let a 16 year old buy a motorbike, but that’s because my friend’s nephew was given one on his seventeenth birthday and he killed himself on it that same day. I’d make him wait till for a car personally.

Driving license and car for your daughter is a good use of funds. But I agree with everyone else that blowing money on rent to house the boyfriend’s kids is unwise.

Enchantmentz · 09/07/2020 09:15

Your dc seem like they have sensible ideas for spending the 10k, I would encourage them to spend with a little caution. Such as not getting a swanky new bike but a cheaper 2nd hand model or some such thing. Good for the budget and less gutting if there are any mishaps which are bound to happen. They definitely need a firm plan on how and where to spend their money as it can run like water very easily if they become complacent. Your dd seems sensible and in a secure relationship so although her situation isn't ideal I would worry less about her and more for the 16yr old who might inadvertently get a taste for spending.

Stress that 30k in their hand by the time they are 21 is a rare opportunity that will not likely come again. If I had 30k I would be dripping it into my lifetime isa for a deposit too and otherwise pretend it didn't exist. If dd wants to save for a deposit a Lifetime isa is a good shout regardless of the money even though it is a real boost.

Dh should not force his opinions on them.

00100001 · 09/07/2020 09:17

I'm curious to know how long your daughter has been seeing this man? And how old he is.

Considering she's 18 and pregnant with his child, and he's already got 2, I'm wondering why he got her pregnant so young...?

00100001 · 09/07/2020 09:19

@VenusClapTrap

Driving license and car for your daughter is a good use of funds. But I agree with everyone else that blowing money on rent to house the boyfriend’s kids is unwise.

SummerDayWinterEvenings · 09/07/2020 09:19

Everyone I know who got money aged 18-21 pissed it up a wall.

However, are you in a position to help?

Let's say they got £10K each. Are you in a position to say -save for driving lessons / let's sort that out as a birthday gift. Let's me add the rest in and I'll top it up to a deposit for YOUR own house.

My eldest is looking at uni near my parents- it would make sense for her to live there - not rent but save her rent money and buy a car.

FlaviaAlbiaWantsLangClegBack · 09/07/2020 09:21

Ah an evil ex with possible drug problems and instead of going though the legal system to make sure the kids live with him full and are safe, he decided to take the route of living with an 18yr old and getting her pregnant while his other kids visit?

Sounds like a catch. I'd be on her father's side tbh, sound like the money won't go where it was supposed to.

PlatoAteMySnozcumber · 09/07/2020 09:22

As a pp has said she is 18 I cannot make her do anything if circumstances were different I would be saying invest but as they aren't I'm just wanting her to have a roof over her and babies head

Are you honestly suggesting that without this inheritance they would be homeless?

I am amazed by how many posters think rent is a good use of savings. It will be gone in no time.

Original poster

moolady1977 · 09/07/2020 09:31

@FlaviaAlbiaWantsLangClegBack not evil as such no ,he was going down legal routes hence the looking for a private rent of their own while also being on social housing list but due to job loss it fell through , No I'm not saying they would be homeless but it would make getting the dc near on impossible.
@00100001 I would also like to know some of that but seeing as my dd is 18 and an adult it's her personal business not mine

OP posts:

W1nterSummer20 · 09/07/2020 09:34

Ref the motorbike
Ensure protective clothing
Suggest he goes on a CBT course that shows you how to drive more safely eg not riding in the gutter

Ickabog · 09/07/2020 09:34

How long has your DD been with this man, and how old is he?

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