DP and I had a barny

[Tiggytigert]

AIBU?

We have been having a rough patch, claimed he would change and help out more but, it's a day or two then it goes back to normal.

I feel like if I ask he moans about it, then if I don't ask it builds up and I end up doing it myself.

Our kitchen would literally go mouldy if I didn't.

I am on ML so he is still working but most mornings we are ip the same time and I'm in bed later than him (a 6 month old is classed as a full time job or is this unreasonable 😅) I do all the nights as I breastfeed, I do all the nappies, changing of clothes, washing, tidying, cooking mainly, he even refuses to do his lunches most days then complains we are spending so much money or he has none left.

Every day he comes home, spends 5 minutes cooing over DD and then goes on his phone to play games for hours, i maybe get a word or two edgeways an hour.

Today, i lost it.

I'm poorly, I asked him too look after DD for 2 minutes while I went to the toilet, I came back, she was all agitated and he was sitting with her on his knee playing his poxy phone game, again (one that winds him up SO much he gets frustrated and shitty the rest of the evening) I mentioned it and then asked if he could try get baby to sleep while I finished my dinner (as he had finished his) he walked around for 2 minutes gave up and said she just wants you and is looking for you.

How on earth am I supposed to get her to sleep without me and ready for nursery..

I have repeatedly said over and over I need help, I want more time to do things (I've not showered in a week! (I have wiped myself down but baby is going through a leap and growth spurt and teething..))

Every time I do, I sort of lose it, I ask for help then it never ever changes. I'm so exhausted mentally and physically. I feel like im a parent to a baby and an adult man child.

We have been together a long, long time and I do love him, but I just feel numb. I need help.

Am I being over the top? Is it too much to ask to not have to ask??

To any of you, who are single mums, how do you do it? Manage baby full time, bills, work, do you get on for babies sake? I just do not know what to do anymore ☹️😥

If you are knackered now how do you think you will manage doing everything you do now plus working when you go back? This is why you need to get this sorted now! Otherwise I would just leave him tbh, at least if he gets paid PAYE you'll get a fair amount of money from him and you will have less work to do only cleaning up after two people rather than three

Call social services hes neglecting you and his child.

You need to reset your expectations of him. You're expecting him to do the bare minimum, so he doesn't see looking after DD as his job. Anything he does now is 'helping' you with your job.... and unfortunately that's a dynamic you're feeding into.

He should be doing half of the childcare and chores every evening after work and all weekend. That's the baseline. Half the nappies, half the comforting, half the chores.

Yes, he's tired from working all day. But I assume you're tired from looking after your child overnight and all day? Why is his tiredness rewarded with an evening off, while you're expected to carry on working?

It's really not sustainable for you to not leave DD with him for a short period at weekends. As others have said, how is he supposed to know how hard it is to look after 6 mo if he's never done it? Did you know how hard it would be before you did it? Do it for an hour - go out to the shop for something. Start with a small time and build it up.

I'm really pleased that you're going to be going back to work FT. But will you still be doing all the childcare and housework as well?? You must shift this dynamic. He is responsible for half. Not a bit less.

You could start alternating evenings - one evening you cook while he looks after DD and puts her to bed. The next night you switch over. He has to learn to do it himself - DD looks for you because that's all she knows. He's made a rod for his back here - it's going to be more work for him now because he's going to have to earn her trust... but he's caused that himself by doing nothing with her. He'll just have to work through it.

He won't like it. He's been in a very comfortable place where his life hasn't changed since DD came along. In fact, it got easier because you've been on ML doing all the housework. You've absorbed all the extra work and stress, and he's going to have to take some of that on.

Can’t you just leave her with him and go for a nap or whatever? I do this time to time and my DH doesn’t say a word just gets on with it. Don’t ask him just do it.

Well I've got to go to hospital so he's going to have to cope 😅

Why did he choose to become a parent?

Admittedly I haven’t done the baby phase as my son was 18 months, so a much easier age, but it isn’t hard to care for a well baby surely, tiring etc yes, but its not rocket science. Why is he choosing to neglect his daughter?

Surely when he gets home he should take over parenting. How would he feel if his boss decided he suddenly had to work at home in the evenings and weekends without assistance? That is what he is doing to you.

My five year old knows that when it isn’t a school day (because he takes ages) that if he doesn’t make himself breakfast then he doesn’t get any. He also loads his dishes into the dishwasher, empties the bottom of the dishwasher when it is cleaned, puts his own clothes in the washing machine, puts his clothes away (in a very ‘neat’ way...). My slightly batty five year old is currently out working your husband.

I’m a single parent and I wasn’t a parent until he was 18 months old so it is different, but surely when he gets home the first thing he wants to do is spend time with his daughter after not seeing her all day. In normal times when I pick my son up from school we head straight to the park so we can spend time together having a bit of fun and delay the nagging as I cook dinner and he makes it look like the flat has been burgled. On the weekend he should want to do as much as possible with her to make up for the time he misses during the week.

You do need to try and change your own thinking a little, a six month old baby is old enough to bed left in a cot etc while you have a shower. If she does cry a little bit nothing bad will happen.

Hope your ok OP and hospital trip isn't too serious?
Please get help for you PND I ignored mine for so long and it made it much worse to the point I'd imagine really horrible situations happening to me (think serious car accidents etc) and then having panic attacks because I didn't want to leave my baby. My husband used to leave for work at 6am and he would come home around 10pm however he still helped with the baby and did more than his fair share of the housework (dishes when he got home during the week and then at weekends he would do a full blitz of the house) he would also give me a lie in at the weekend so I could catch up. Your husband sounds like he needs a good kick up the arse. Especially when you go back to work. How are you going to work full time and then do all the things you are doing now? He needs to step up and do his bit. Definitely ban phones until DD is in bed/chores are done. And make time for a shower you will definitely feel so much better.

He should be doing half of the childcare and chores every evening after work and all weekend. That's the baseline. Half the nappies, half the comforting, half the chores
This issue comes up over and over on MN and the response is always the same that looking after one baby is definitely as hard as working FT.

In reality, it very much depends on the job and the baby to some extent.

If he loves his job and gets an emotional kick from it, has complete flexibility on how to run his work, has the options of break and able to carry out personal duties during working hours, with no commute or an enjoyable one, than yes, it's fair enough.

If however the job involves a commute in traffic or crowd and delays, working in a pressurised role, with little autonomy and ability to influence, a stressful workload, and it 1/2 break to just about swallow a sandwich and read the paper, with constant corporate stress, then I would say that looking after baby at home is miles easier and more gratifying than working and in this instance, it would be totally reasonable for the sahp to also do more in the evenings, not all but certainly more.

In reality, it very much depends on the job and the baby to some extent.

I do agree to some extent. However in this case the OP hasn't had a chance to shower in a week. Is DH's job so intense that he hasn't had a 30 min break all week?

Suggesting 50:50 at evenings and weekends should be the starting point is fair for most cases. Then you can adjust for particularly easy jobs/hard commutes etc. But lets not set the WOHP's baseline so low that we can trip over it!

My DH and I both worked PT and looked after the kids PT when they were little. We both agreed our working days were much easier than the childcare days. We got to speak to other adults, have uninterrupted toilet time and actually feel a sense of accomplishment at the end of the day.

Honestly... I think I being a single parent is far easier than being with a SO who doesn't pull their weight.

For me... I work from home but take my kids to daycare cause I'd never get a fucking thing done if I didn't. Haha. I do what I can when they're sleeping. When they were babies I wore them in a carrier. With my oldest inhaf my mom to help so I had some downtime. The last 2 all on my own. It's really not all that bad. I make sure I text friends when I feel like I'm losing my mind. Really though... The fact that I don't have any resentment helps a ton. Oh and as for the shower...put baby in a swing or car seat carrier and have it in the bathroom while you shower.

If he isn't completely useless... Then when you split, you'll get some free time while he has visitation. Time to tidy up and/or have time out.

He's being shit.

I am a single parent and I do everything -work, clean the house, cook dinner every night so I never buy this shit about men being "too tired" from work to do any childcare or anything around the house. I manage it.

Saying that, you can leave a 6 month old in the cot to have a shower. I have been a single parent since DS was 10 months old and you have to leave them to cry occasionally or nothing will ever get done.

Fucking lazy bastard. So he does nothing in the evenings because he's 'too tired'. Not too tired to eat dinner I expect. Is he too tired at weekends too? I sincerely hope you don't cook and clean and wash his clothes at weekends. If he has every evening off then you have the whole weekend off. See what he thinks of that. I would be questioning if he actually has any respect for you. At least you have had an inkling of what having an entitled teenager in the house is like.

Hope you're ok OP just seen the update about the hospital, hope it goes ok.

I've just been reading the thread. I think he is being completely unreasonable. He's too tired? Unless his job is a nurse on a covid ward working 12 hour shifts or something, he is taking the piss. And lots of people in that position would still want to interact with their child, even if they were genuinely exhausted and couldnt face cooking etc. Just because he has a job, like most people, doesn't give him a free pass to get out of most of his family responsibilities.

My husband has a job with quite a lot of travelling, he was often tired. Hed get up with the baby as we had a bad sleeper and I was going demented from lack of sleep, and look after her for an hour or too so I could catch up on sleep. He would take the toddler to nursery on his way to work. Come home, I'd cook, he'd clean, we would both tidy up after the kids and fold / put away the washing, and do equal chores and childcare on evenings and weekends. We would always do equal bed and bath times. That's what a normal partnership is to me. Can you imagine, if you'd shared paternity leave, coming back home after a day at work, seeing him still in his pyjamas, not saying 'you go and have a nice bath love you must have had a long day', taking the baby for 10 min then having her back because you were tired? Of course not because it's clear that however tired you are, you put your daughter first. And it's not just about being lazy as even lazy people can still interact with their kids....he just doesnt seem bothered. I'm sorry and I know that's going to be hard to accept. But if he cared, he wouldnt treat you or his daughter like this, and he would listen when you said you needed his help instead of finding excuses or ways to blame you for his shit behaviour. You can choose to accept his awful treatment of you but your daughter doesn't have a choice so she needs you to be strong for her and show her this isnt acceptable.

Once you're better I'd advise some time apart. I think that will make clear in his head what he has got to lose and also show you that you can cope and give you space to decide what you want. There is no point just talking to him again - he is not listening. Or you could try counselling. But if you leave things as they are you are slowly going to grow to hate him and breaking up will be inevitable.

Good luck

Why are you with this cretin, he will never change.

Has your partner not noticed that you haven’t had a shower or bath all week? Not in a hygiene way but as in you haven’t been in the bathroom morning or night for longer than a 2 minute wee? Honestly your partner is a selfish, thoughtless twat and I don’t see your situation improving without some serious ultimatums. He steps up and takes his share of childcare, housework and life admin or he fucks off.

Also and I mean this kindly - stop martyring yourself. Have a shower! Take baby into the bathroom in her chair or jumperoo with the ipad with some baby youtube and she’ll be FINE for a good 10 minutes. I did / do it all the time.

You can’t give your child the best version on you when you’re not even allowing yourself time for the basic necessities of life. Yes your partner should ask but also you should find ways to make your life easier and less fraught for yourself.

The best piece of advice I ever received was that, when you have a baby, there's a 180% of things to do. You're doing 90% of the work and so is he.
I'll get attacked for saying it here but it kept us together.

Hope you are ok op.

The best piece of advice I ever received was that, when you have a baby, there's a 180% of things to do. You're doing 90% of the work and so is he.
I'll get attacked for saying it here but it kept us together.

Eh?! From the sounds of, he isn't even doing 10%.

The best piece of advice I ever received was that, when you have a baby, there's a 180% of things to do. You're doing 90% of the work and so is he.
I'll get attacked for saying it here but it kept us together.

That makes no sense whatsoever...

muddle through what shit am i reading here

you dont play a game when your baby is on your knee-you dont ignore a child because of a game

its not you its him you havent done anything wrong op

What did you go to hospital for OP? Are you okay?

@TeachAdopt

The best piece of advice I ever received was that, when you have a baby, there's a 180% of things to do. You're doing 90% of the work and so is he. I'll get attacked for saying it here but it kept us together.

What on earth are you on about?

With my first baby dp would come home and cook dinner pretty much every night, I wasn’t able to get it all done. He was crap at helping overnight (Which is NOT ok and next baby he is being better and he knows it) so I had every weekend sleep in- I did have to explain this to him after I woke up Saturday usual time to baby because he wasn’t there, had taken himself off for a run.

You need to give him stuff to do that gets noticed by him if not done- his own washing, cooking dinner so everyone is sitting their miserable and hungry until he does it. I’d film him letting baby cry while on his phone and tell him that’s why you don’t trust him with her... once you’re out of hospital that is, hope all’s ok.