DP and I had a barny

[Tiggytigert]

AIBU?

We have been having a rough patch, claimed he would change and help out more but, it's a day or two then it goes back to normal.

I feel like if I ask he moans about it, then if I don't ask it builds up and I end up doing it myself.

Our kitchen would literally go mouldy if I didn't.

I am on ML so he is still working but most mornings we are ip the same time and I'm in bed later than him (a 6 month old is classed as a full time job or is this unreasonable 😅) I do all the nights as I breastfeed, I do all the nappies, changing of clothes, washing, tidying, cooking mainly, he even refuses to do his lunches most days then complains we are spending so much money or he has none left.

Every day he comes home, spends 5 minutes cooing over DD and then goes on his phone to play games for hours, i maybe get a word or two edgeways an hour.

Today, i lost it.

I'm poorly, I asked him too look after DD for 2 minutes while I went to the toilet, I came back, she was all agitated and he was sitting with her on his knee playing his poxy phone game, again (one that winds him up SO much he gets frustrated and shitty the rest of the evening) I mentioned it and then asked if he could try get baby to sleep while I finished my dinner (as he had finished his) he walked around for 2 minutes gave up and said she just wants you and is looking for you.

How on earth am I supposed to get her to sleep without me and ready for nursery..

I have repeatedly said over and over I need help, I want more time to do things (I've not showered in a week! (I have wiped myself down but baby is going through a leap and growth spurt and teething..))

Every time I do, I sort of lose it, I ask for help then it never ever changes. I'm so exhausted mentally and physically. I feel like im a parent to a baby and an adult man child.

We have been together a long, long time and I do love him, but I just feel numb. I need help.

Am I being over the top? Is it too much to ask to not have to ask??

To any of you, who are single mums, how do you do it? Manage baby full time, bills, work, do you get on for babies sake? I just do not know what to do anymore ☹️😥

Hi OP. I promise you're not being unreasonable or asking too much.

The way my husband and I managed things when our baby was tiny and I was on ML was that while he was at work, my "job" was to take care of baby. As soon as he finished work, we both shared responsibility for cleaning and taking care of our baby.

He sounds like an absolute wastrel and I wouldn't put up with it. What kind of father can't even put his phone down for a few minutes to take care of his child?

He doesn't sound like someone I'd want to be around. I'd be seriously rethinking the relationship.

But, the not having a shower for a week is a bit daft. As you imply yourself, you know that single parents somehow manage it. Make sure the baby is fed, clean and somewhere safe and go and have a shower. If the baby is unsettled, obviously make it a quick shower. If you must, bring the baby into the bathroom and pop her into a bouncer or similar. I just left DD in her cot. She just became accustomed to being left. Once she was able to sit up well (not until 9m in DD's case) I would leave her sitting in her cot with a few toys.

@Yaottie How do I go about fixing this? I'm a believer of fixing things and not departing but now I'm just unsure if I'm being taken for a ride.

@Glitterandunicorns thank you ❤️ I think this is what we have tried before, it just doesn't seem to work out. He comes home and says he's tired and I don't mention it and the next day is the exact same. I manage to look after the baby, do our washing, tidy bedroom and front room but the kitchen is too far from my daughter and it's literally the only ever thing I ask of him is to sort only the washing up. I said this earlier, it's been eating away at me for months and I've actually never mentioned it before and he turned it around and said its me who is always on their phone with her, which isn't true (obviously I am occasionally im not going to claim im never on it and 24/7 give her my absolute full attention 😅) but mainly when he has her as I get real anxious about how fast she is now and she's into everything. I just don't see how things will change, but, i really want them to before I walk away, but, again, how many chances do you give?

@INeedNewShoes No, I totally agree, not showering is daft. I'm stupid for not doing so and being reliant on him as you say, single mothers do it. I usually bring her in with me if I have to, he's been bathing with her but by the time she's had a bath on the days she does it's time to feed and get to sleep and I do that pretty much by myself and then it's 10pm and too late. I'm making excuses though which I should not be and need to woman up

Challenge him to turn his phone off and put it in a drawer as soon as he gets in every evening for a week. I guarantee you he is addicted to his phone and once that’s gone he’ll start noticing everything he could be doing.

@Smallsteps88 that's a good idea, I'd love to fix this is possible, we have been together a long time, to throw it all away would be devastating.

When mine were small for showers I would try and time it for their nap (not always successful!) but if they were showing no signs of napping I would either put them in their baby bouncer with A-frame dangly toy thing over them or drag the cot in front of the bathroom door so they could see me. And shower very fast!

@Smallsteps88 I think maybe, its a little bit of PND in the mix too, I've lost interest in myself and caring for myself I guess. So thsts probably not helping the equation. First thing tomorrow, I'm going to get up and have a shower, baby in there with me or not! Thank you

I found it much easier being single than in a bad relationship. There's nobody extra to clean up after, and even though you do it all yourself, there also isn't the constant frustration of someone not doing their share

Me too.

Apart from his total lack of consideration, what shocks me is that he spends all his time on his phone playing games. So he is not even bringing anything else to the relationship.

I had really bad PND too and it took me ages to realise that showering is a pretty crucial part of my mental health. I’ve worked out that I can skip one day of showering and I feel ok but 2 days and I start to feel really low, anxious and the negative self talk starts. As soon as I have a shower I feel like myself again. At ease and stress free. It’s like magic - not saying it’s the same for everyone else. PND affects people differently but it’s one simple thing to try if you’re feeling shit. Baby can cope with crying for 3 minutes in exchange for a happy (and sweet smelling) mummy.

I put my DS (7months) in his cot and just leave the bathroom door open. I hear him if he starts crying but 5 mins in the shower and he is fine usually. Then I take him into my room sit him on my bed and let him play with the TV remote because it is sooo interesting! She'll be fine. Go shower and feel better.

Also, and I know it doesn't help you at all, but I'm pretty much in the exact same situation as you. It's really shit

As someone who's been a single parent since my ds was 6mo, it's less exhausting doing it all than expecting help, not getting it and doing it all.
The anger and resentment takes it out of you.
If you're doing it alone anyway you might as well do it alone, at least he would get access so you would have a few hours a week to rest, work, whatever you want.
Not showering is no good, you need to do that and you dont need help to do it, it takes 3 minutes so if she cries just leave her and get yourself clean she'll be fine.

I would either put them in their baby bouncer with A-frame dangly toy thing over them

Btw I meant in the bathroom! Not in women other room whilst I showered!

My husband says your husband is being a dick.

However, you do have to tell him things, don't just not bother because he says he is tired. It is ok for him to be tired, but so are you.

You probably need to talk to him about a change of routine. Tell him that with the baby so busy now, you can't easily get everything done, and also you just need a bit of time to yourself. So the two of you need to sort out evening care. Agree that he will do certain things, like washing up, or making himself a lunch for the next day, in the evening, and also watch the baby for a period (an hour? half hour?) while you shower and do anything else you need to for a bit.

Because he hasn't spent a lot of time with the baby, he might feel a little nervous, that's natural, and it might be helpful if he had some specific job to do with her while he is in charge. Bath would be good, nail cutting, eating, whatever. He'll feel more comfortable soon. Also try not to hover, you won't get a rest and he'll not be able to develop his own style of childcare.

The phone thing, I agree with a pp, he's probably addicted. Maybe go in together and challenge him to put it away in the evening, you do the same. Or even try tracking use for a few days, you might both be surprised by the time. You could both try and do a phone detox, maybe four days or a week, people often are shocked how much better they feel and how much more they get done.

He sounds like a right twat.
Can you and DD stay with a relative for a while? You need a break and if a relative can help, go there.
It might also knock some sense in DP once you're gone...,
If nothing changes, you are going to be on your own with 2kids, as you already living the life of a single parent to be honest.

Also, I agree, shower anyway. Hearing the crying does cause anxiety, that's normal, but it will not hurt the baby. You need to get cleaned up, you will feel so much better.

@coyoacan it's just hard to know when is right to continue trying or to know enough is enough I suppose.

@Smallsteps88 I'm real sorry to hear you struggled with PND badly, I think, I'm lying to myself and telling myself I'm okay and that it's not partly the reason why we are like this and I totally agree. I feel so much better after a nice shower. Think I need to start focusing on myself a bit more, giving myself some TLC that I so desperately need and deserve.

@Bonestobones you are definitely right, first thing tomorrow morning I'm getting in that shower! I feel awful not doing this and admitting to you all I haven't! I'm sorry you are in a similar situation ❤️

You poor thing!
YANBU at all. a 6-month-old is a full time job. However, so it seems, is your DH! The phone thing with these young men!
I would ask him to do several very specific tasks every night. It is irritating to have to ask, but even my uber-bright, super-sensitive husband needs it spelled out sometimes.
I would also check with a professional - not sure who that would be in the UK - and address some of your worries about your baby. Take care of yourself first.

I'm lying to myself and telling myself I'm okay

I did too for far too long. I don’t know why. PND is very common so it would have been fine to tell people I had it. I really wish I’d acknowledged it before it got so bad. It’s good you’re recognising and talking about it now. Make sure and tell your DH too- pretty important that he knows. Just like if you had a tummy bug and needed help looking after Dd.

@Goosefoot Thank you, for your advice! I'm assuming you and your DH have had similar but have worked hard to work through and have come out strong the other side? I know, I just feel awful asking him when he's had a long day at work but again my days are also long and I don't get to clock off at 4pm. I definitely think the phone detox is a good idea and getting a routine for us all. I'm due to start a new full time job, very soon, no one but myself can get my daughter to sleep. I lost it and said 'how am I meant to start a new job if you can't even get her to sleep, she can't always have me' yet he contradicted himself in his reply. I am bad at hovering or mentioning ways, maybe this is why he doesn't like doing it because I'm trying to find ways to make it easier for him which I probably shouldn't! Think if he still wants to be here I'll chat with him tomorrow. Again, thank you for your advice xx

A shitty relationship is a good thing to dispose of. Your talk of wanting to "fix" things is just throwing good money after bad.

It's not you who needs to work or change, it's him, and he does not want to. He's already had 180odd chances since your baby was born - and that's if we assume he's only had one more chance each day.

You mentioned having a bad childhood. It seems like that may be influencing you and how very, very low you've been setting the bar. Do you want your baby to think this is what a good relationship looks like as they grow up? Or that this is the best treatment they can expect from someone who loves them? That would leave them very vulnerable to abuse and exploitation.

People who love you respect you. They consider your needs. They value you. They pull their weight. They encourage you. They take responsibility and change their behaviour if they have inadvertently hurt you or let you down.

They don't behave like this. They do not put you in a position where you have been unable to shower for a week.

It is telling that he wasn't this bad before. That's not unusual. Nor are the repeated promises to change followed by reverting to the previous behaviour.

And all humans have good qualities and better moments. Even serial killers and child abusers. It doesn't make the harmful behaviour acceptable just because they're not an evil cartoon character with a 2D personality.

I know if we break up it will be worse because I'll be alone.

No. You're just scared of change and the unknown.

You would grieve - because you lost the person you thought he was and the future you wanted to have, not because being treated like shit each day was good - and then you would adjust. And once you weren't being disrespected and made to feel crap each day, and weren't being treated like a housekeeper, and didn't have him sabotaging you it would be a whole lot easier.

You might want to look at the Freedom Programme course. It sets out a model of what a healthy relationship looks like and how you should expect to be treated by a decent human being who loves and respects you. (Basically the opposite of your life).

If your childhood and past were so bad that this current situation feels like a good deal then that is incredibly sad. You and your baby deserve better.

@Lollypop4 Ah, not really! If anything, he'd have to go for a break. I do have family but we really aren't close enough for it and Id rather them not know we are going through a shit period!

@DamnYankee I have lovely, so many times, a simple task or two never really gets done unless I go on at him which I hate as I know he works hard and is tired. You are probably right about seeking some help but, again, I'm really really anxious about seeking any support as I had a rough childhood which is on file, I'm anxious that if I seek any sort of real help they'll deem me not worthy or incapable of looking after a child due to my previous abuse/neglect (I have never ever neglected my daughter or abused her btw) but it's just a back thought in my mind that at any minute they could critize me for my (unchangeable but on record past as it was brought up during my antenatal appointments) but know deep down the more I struggle the worse it will get! Thank you x

@Smallsteps88 Thank you, did you go and seek help for it? Sorry to ask but, were you judged? Any SS involvement etc? I have, he said its lockdown and now things are back to normal I should start to feel better but I feel worse. I don't think the house being a mess helps either!

@user12947626482 Thank you for that honesty. I think I needed that. No, this is not how I want my daughter to see and a bar I want to set for her, not at all. Honestly, he's a, very loving, kind natured person who is very thoughtful but, just honestly, lazy and he admits that but, doesn't change it. So I'm unsure what or if it can change?