DP and I had a barny

[Tiggytigert]

AIBU?

We have been having a rough patch, claimed he would change and help out more but, it's a day or two then it goes back to normal.

I feel like if I ask he moans about it, then if I don't ask it builds up and I end up doing it myself.

Our kitchen would literally go mouldy if I didn't.

I am on ML so he is still working but most mornings we are ip the same time and I'm in bed later than him (a 6 month old is classed as a full time job or is this unreasonable 😅) I do all the nights as I breastfeed, I do all the nappies, changing of clothes, washing, tidying, cooking mainly, he even refuses to do his lunches most days then complains we are spending so much money or he has none left.

Every day he comes home, spends 5 minutes cooing over DD and then goes on his phone to play games for hours, i maybe get a word or two edgeways an hour.

Today, i lost it.

I'm poorly, I asked him too look after DD for 2 minutes while I went to the toilet, I came back, she was all agitated and he was sitting with her on his knee playing his poxy phone game, again (one that winds him up SO much he gets frustrated and shitty the rest of the evening) I mentioned it and then asked if he could try get baby to sleep while I finished my dinner (as he had finished his) he walked around for 2 minutes gave up and said she just wants you and is looking for you.

How on earth am I supposed to get her to sleep without me and ready for nursery..

I have repeatedly said over and over I need help, I want more time to do things (I've not showered in a week! (I have wiped myself down but baby is going through a leap and growth spurt and teething..))

Every time I do, I sort of lose it, I ask for help then it never ever changes. I'm so exhausted mentally and physically. I feel like im a parent to a baby and an adult man child.

We have been together a long, long time and I do love him, but I just feel numb. I need help.

Am I being over the top? Is it too much to ask to not have to ask??

To any of you, who are single mums, how do you do it? Manage baby full time, bills, work, do you get on for babies sake? I just do not know what to do anymore ☹️😥

He seems useless. He needs to step it up and be a father, make it clear to him that unless things change, you'll be gone

Great advice from Smallsteps88. I'd add: make sure that you clean your teeth every day - it makes you feel human. And drink plenty - if you get dehydrated on top of being tired, you will feel so much worse.

I don’t think you are being unreasonable. He sounds lazy.

However, there really is no need to not shower because you have a baby. Either leave the baby with him and say you’re off for a shower or just pop baby in a bouncer on bathroom floor with a toy and jump in.

Sometimes I feel lucky I had to go back to work with such a young baby as dh had to step up and be a dad as he was in charge while I was working.

Honestly he's useless. My DH works FT but comes home, straight in with either playing with the DC or cooking dinner (and I do the other). Then we eat and afterwards I go for a shower or bath while he holds down the fort. Then some family time all together and finally I put 8mo to bed while he sorts the entire 3yo bedtime routine. He is fully involved in nappies, potty trips, getting them dressed/washed/fed and all the rest of it. He has always taken over at night if I'm exhausted (I bf but feed then he takes the baby so I can sleep). He may work FT but so will you shortly - what are you going to do when you get home from work? Ignore your daughter because you've had a busy day?! Of course not. He should be fully involved in family life. And remember this! I'd not be having more children with him if this is how he treats you when you're on your knees with sleep deprivation and a small baby.

Struggling to see what there is to love about him?
My ex was like this , lazy and selfish , and before anyone jumps in with " why do women have babies with these men ?" , they tend only to show their true colours when a bit of responsibility comes along .
OP I hate to say it but no amount of writing is going to help , he will just find more inventive ways to avoid you.
If your partner who is supposed to love you is seeing you absolutely exhausted and going without a shower for a week but prefers to play on his phone and not step in , then he doesn't actually give a shit , sorry .
You sound amazing and babies are incredibly hard work , I'd be looking to separate.

"Even refuses to make his own lunch most days"- go hungry then!!

I wouldn't even word it as if he's doing you a favour. I'd pass DD to him and say 'I'm going for a shower' and just walk away. Plus, "you've left the kitchen in a mess you need to clean it or we can do it together"

Stop enabling him and using language that gives him the upper hand.

OP you can’t fix a relationship where only one of you is putting in the effort to make it better - you say he can be so nice and caring, you haven’t given one single redeeming example of why you would want to stay with such a man.

End of the day he’s not a nervous new dad or oblivious to the situation, you’ve told him multiple times how you feel and nothings changed. Simply because he doesn’t want it to, he’s happy for you to take on the burden - only question is are you?

He sounds like he doesn’t respect you, and look at how he is with your child.

Why exactly would you stay with that?

@hiphipho thank you ❤️ what an amazing man your DH sounds, I would do absolutely ANYTHING for him to wake up on a Saturday morning when she wakes and say 'it's alright, you have a lay in, ill look after her'

Thank you all, for your comments ill try reply individually. I was up late and hoping today to be off my phone also! I think I need to have a good think as obviously I'm not giving myself or my daughter the best at the minute. I've got an god awful water infection that I've had since Saturday so feeling very run down and crap, just wish things were different. I know i deserve better now x

I take it he doesn't work every day OP? One day when he is off, go out. Leave the house without telling him and stay out all day.

@fatted he has weekends off, i dont think i could do that to DD. I don't have a lot of expressed milk for her to have! I'm just torn

OP, as you now realise I think, this isn't sustainable. You need to find a way to express all of this to your DH. If he is the, at heart, good man you believe him to me, he will be interested in trying to make your life easier. Reality is that right now you are working 24/7, with very little sleep and zero emotional or physical support from the man who is supposed to be your partner. If he doesn't want to fix this, then yes, you have a bigger problem but I think it's worth at least trying to properly get him to understand first. I am NOT excusing this behaviour, but I do think a lot of men really don't seem to understand the challenges. It's just not part of the way they're brought u p - to be responsible for the home and the people in it on a daily basis. It's wrong and pathetic, but it is what it is.

DH was planning to be a SAHD but when I was still on ML, it was amazing to me how if I was in the house, he just completely stopped thinking about anything. He was brilliant about taking DS, doing his share etc, but, for example, we'd go out somewhere and come in the door and he'd wonder off to play some music or whatever, not even considering that DS might need feeding/napping/changing etc. But, after I lost it once, he had a lightbulb moment.

I am bad at hovering or mentioning ways, maybe this is why he doesn't like doing it because I'm trying to find ways to make it easier for him which I probably shouldn't!

I didn't mean to, but did this to DH because I found sound of baby crying so distressing. His response was to tell me to leave the house (not in a mean way). I spent a LOT of time wondering the aisles of our local 24hour Tesco at 7pm because DH was trying to learn how to bath DS and handle bedtime and couldn't do it with me there!

@Tiggytigert I know from my own PND how difficult it is to look after yourself, a baby, and your home. And I had a husband who was the polar opposite to your partner. The thing is, having your partner in charge of the kitchen isn't working, and it's one of the things that upsets you, and an unhygienic kitchen is a health risk to you and your baby. People have given you good advice on here.
When you're writing down your feelings to him, take time to also write a list of chores, then discuss with him which of them he'd prefer to do. You take over the kitchen. I used to take the baby in his bouncy chair and hang a cereal packet from one corner with a bit of string (in my case from a light fitting which had a loop of metal on the bottom, but my friend hung hers from a step ladder placed above the bouncy chair) The baby loved the colours, could bat it with his hands and feet, and it kept him amused for ages while I washed up. I continued to do it once the baby was in a high chair...nothing for him to drop on the floor then!
I used to have a shower last thing before bed, when the baby was asleep. I hope you get things sorted out soon.

I can't believe you can love this horrible, selfish manchild. He doesn't care about you or his child. Show him the fucking door OP.

I obviously do think my dh is amazing but not because of the things I listed..that is normal! He is their dad, we are a team and he should want to try and make my life easier where he can when things are tough going, and obviously he should want to spend time with his children, not because iv nagged him into it!

Please have a serious sit down chat with him and if he doesn’t change I’d seriously consider your options.

I'm not in the habit of saying LTB but YABVU for not throwing him out. You would be far better off single: not feeling shit about nagging, not seeing the house in a miserable state, and not being stuck with a creature who refuses to support you and who disrespects your child. I'm so angry with him on your behalf! You deserve better.

Definitely engineer a free hour out of the house at the weekend and one life in each per weekend. That's only for starters.

OP, this is not okay at all. I have a 6 month old DS and although his is EBF ( dairy and soya allergy along with refusing all bottles and dummies), DH does his share when he isnt at working busy being a paramedic. The plan was to introduce a bottle a day so DH could feed him ( his request ) but that's not been able to happen.

Every evening he is home, he will do the bedtime routine with DS ( Bath, into sleepsuit and grobag, light projector whilst lying on our bed with him ). He then takes over putting DD5 to bed whilst i do DS. If we havent had a family dinner, he'll prep or cook that whilst i feed DS. During the day, he'll take DS whilst i get on with things be it a shower, doing some housework or popping to the shop. When DS was a newborn, he'd make me a cup of tea during night feeds and sometimes we'd stay up together although I never asked him to. He'll also sleep in another room if he finishes work in the early hours so as not to disturb us.

He's supposed to be the other half of your parenting team, not a baby sitter you feel awakard asking to help. He's being incredibly lazy and very selfish.

Lie

I'd ensure your contraception is like Fort Knox. You don't need a third child in the mix. How dare he be so lazy. Start prioritising yourself, dump her in his lap and say I'm having a shower. If he protests well boo fuckity hoo.

My DH has a demanding job as a surgeon when my DTs were little and every evening he's come in and take over for 2 hours so I could have a mental and physical break. Even now though , and they are in their 20s , I have to have a stern word about domestic and mental load about running the household as he'd let me taken all in if I didn't remind him

You've had loads of good advice so far. All I can add is that getting a jumperoo or something similar where the baby can sit upright and play while you both do some housework will really help. You probably need something near the kitchen. Your partner should help but maybe him just doing the dishes after dinner is more sensible than there being a huge pile up. I Think if you can get into a routine of short bursts of housework then spending time with he baby then that would work. Like set a timer for 10 minutes and see how much you can get done. The baby doesn't need to be supervised all the time. But definitely a little jumperoo or something would help with this. You can usually get them cheaper off Facebook market place as well. Good luck in sure you will work it out xx

Hopefully he can forgive me for the way I've acted and we can try work through it

OP, gently, you don’t seem to have any frame of reference for how you or the baby should be treated - understandable given your background. When the dust settles some therapy or something like the Freedom Programme might be advisable. I’m not sure you’ve done anything that needs his forgiveness. He’s not doing you a favour by being married to you.

Why do you feel guilty asking him to do anything just because he has been to work? When you worked did you think that was it and you didn't need to clean the house, cook for yourself, wash your clothes? If he lived alone who would he expect to do all this stuff? Work is one part of your life it doesn't excuse you from all the other parts!!!!

It's neglect and abuse. How dare he! LTB he does not care for you at all.