DP and I had a barny

[Tiggytigert]

AIBU?

We have been having a rough patch, claimed he would change and help out more but, it's a day or two then it goes back to normal.

I feel like if I ask he moans about it, then if I don't ask it builds up and I end up doing it myself.

Our kitchen would literally go mouldy if I didn't.

I am on ML so he is still working but most mornings we are ip the same time and I'm in bed later than him (a 6 month old is classed as a full time job or is this unreasonable 😅) I do all the nights as I breastfeed, I do all the nappies, changing of clothes, washing, tidying, cooking mainly, he even refuses to do his lunches most days then complains we are spending so much money or he has none left.

Every day he comes home, spends 5 minutes cooing over DD and then goes on his phone to play games for hours, i maybe get a word or two edgeways an hour.

Today, i lost it.

I'm poorly, I asked him too look after DD for 2 minutes while I went to the toilet, I came back, she was all agitated and he was sitting with her on his knee playing his poxy phone game, again (one that winds him up SO much he gets frustrated and shitty the rest of the evening) I mentioned it and then asked if he could try get baby to sleep while I finished my dinner (as he had finished his) he walked around for 2 minutes gave up and said she just wants you and is looking for you.

How on earth am I supposed to get her to sleep without me and ready for nursery..

I have repeatedly said over and over I need help, I want more time to do things (I've not showered in a week! (I have wiped myself down but baby is going through a leap and growth spurt and teething..))

Every time I do, I sort of lose it, I ask for help then it never ever changes. I'm so exhausted mentally and physically. I feel like im a parent to a baby and an adult man child.

We have been together a long, long time and I do love him, but I just feel numb. I need help.

Am I being over the top? Is it too much to ask to not have to ask??

To any of you, who are single mums, how do you do it? Manage baby full time, bills, work, do you get on for babies sake? I just do not know what to do anymore ☹️😥

I am wondering if he is pulling back from being with DD a little because he feels you are commenting on how he does things with her and correcting him. I dont want to be critical of you, but make sure you are looking hard at your dynamic as parents.

He should parent differently from you, it will be good for DD. The last time he held her, he changed a nappy or he tried to sooth her, did you compliment him or notice anything he did well (even if it wasnt what you would have done). He might be pulling back if he feels he cant get it right so he might as well not bother.

If this might be the case, the two of you need a heart to heart after DD is in bed, to set out some ways of working as parents with each of your own ways of doing things. Some stuff is non negotiable, but other stuff is. Of course he can be on his phone while watching her. Its not ideal, but its ok. She will learn to entertain herself a bit which is a good thing. But not watching her carefully when she is in the bath is non- negotiable as its a safety issue.

Try and organize an hour on Saturday morning when you are going to leave them in the house alone for an hour, building up to 2 hours in a couple of weeks. You dont even have to do anything, just sit in the car and watch the clock count down the minutes, but he needs to build up his fathering skills and its very difficult to do that wih anyone hovering and correcting. When you are both in the swing with this, then build on it.

Again, forgive me if this is not the dynamic. It maybe he is just useless and lazy, but maybe not and you can work on this.

Hand him the baby once you’ve fed/breastfed her and go shower

Hand him the baby and Sod of out for a walk , even if it’s round the block.

Let him step up as you haven’t had a proper talk of what you’d like I’ll bet and he hasn’t either.

@SeaToSki Thank you for your comment! I wholeheartedly admit, yes, i do sometimes comment on certain things which I have gotten better at and try praise him in ways that he does right i.e fit of nappy as we use reusables, feeding her on spoon, bath etc. But I do think there's definitely some truth to what you are saying and some reflection that needs to be done on my part also. I would understand if he was on it once or twice but 8/10 he is ignoring her, no toys to play with, sitting on his need, grizzly or crying and he 'must' finish his game, its hard to see her in my eyes be neglected, not meeting her needs while she cries for attention or for hm. I think the leaving for an hour is a really good idea otherwise she's never going to learn to be apart. Hopefully, this isn't the end as such and we can sit and try work through this, yet again (but I think this would be the last time)

@dullardmullard Hopefully he can forgive me for the way I've acted and we can try work through it

Thank you, did you go and seek help for it? Sorry to ask but, were you judged? Any SS involvement etc?

I did eventually. I went to my GP who offered anti depressants but I was too scared to take them ( paranoid they would make me sleep too much and not hear my Dc crying in the night- silly I know!) so he referred me for some counselling which helped me decide on my “rules” for maintaining good mental health.

1. sleep- by far the most important one. Lack of sleep does insane things to us. I was a zombie. I couldn’t speak sometimes I was so tired. try and get as much quality sleep as you can even if it means going to sleep at 8pm when your baby does for a while to catch up. Google good sleep hygiene. It makes such a difference to your life just to get regular good sleep

2. shower- it takes minutes. But massive impact on your mood. Make things as easy as possible by setting your towel and clean clothing in the bathroom the night before so you’re not put off by the effort involved in going to gather those things.

3. go outside daily- even if you’re just sitting in the garden with your baby. Even if it’s cloudy and cold. Put coats on and spend 10 minutes feeling the freshness of outside. Bring your coffee out with you. You’ll start to crave your daily outside time. Exercise mightn’t feel possible but walking at a gentle pace counts too and 10 minutes walking is better than no minutes walking, right?

4. talk to someone every day. This mightn’t apply to you as you have your husband at home in the evenings- I was a single parent and when I wasn’t leaving the house I spoke to no one apart from my DC for days at a time. Even if you do have your husband it’s nice to speak to other people. Give yourself a reason to go to the corner shop or call your mum/sister/aunt/friend for a chat.

5. eat well. This was hard for me as I have a very poor relationship with food from childhood so I had to force myself to cook nourishing meals instead of just going for toast because it was easy.

it all really all boils down to the basics of looking after yourself. Feed yourself, wash yourself, exercise yourself, socialise yourself and rest yourself.

If you haven't showered in a week then get a bumbo and pop your six month old in it.
a 6 month old is classed as a full time job or is this unreasonable yes, this is unreasonable, one six month old is not a full time job. Hoever, you should both be involved in the care and keeping of your home and family. He sounds awful, slobbish and lazy to me.

HOWEVER
your DH's phone use is way over the top and is disrespectful to you and shows signs of leading into neglect for his baby. He seems addicted to it. Ask him to go cold turkey or simply hide it for a week or two.

I have twins. Even when I was with my ex I was basically a single parent - he'd be upstairs locked in his office while I had to recover from a C-section and take care of two babies. He'd completely ignore the crying babies and if I begged him for some help he'd sometimes help for 10 minutes, but moan about having to get back to his 'work' all the while.

I used to put the girls in their bumbos in the bathroom with me while I had a shower, else it never would've gotten done.

Good luck. Oh, and dump his lazy arse!

I know if we break up it will be worse because I'll be alone

All I can say is that I was a single mother and, the odd time I felt that I would have liked someone to share the emotional load, I would picture my dd's father, imagine what he would have said and be so glad I was on my own.

I have, he said its lockdown and now things are back to normal I should start to feel better but I feel worse.

Be firm, tell him “no, it’s post natal depression. I’m really struggling and I need you to acknowledge this.”

I don't think the house being a mess helps either!

Don’t worry about the house right now. That will take care of itself once you are feeling better in yourself. Your DH is also responsible for the house. He won’t do that while he has his phone though.

@Smallsteps88 Thank you so much ❤️ I'll keep all those things in mind! And I think you are most definitely right, I need to get myself sorted and cleansed in more ways than just a shower before I focus on my house. I really appreciate all your comments x

@Guineapigbridge If it was that simple, I would have already done so, im struggling in more ways than just one and this threads made me realise that. Thank you for confirming my inital thoughts that I am being unreasonable though.

@coyoacan thank you, I know it may be better in the long run in some aspects.

No problem @Tiggytigert. It’s like the oxygen mask in an airplane. You have to put your own on first before you’re any use to others. Enjoy your shower tomorrow.

@Goosefoot you have it spot on imho.
It's a one person show in this relationship OP. He needs to step up or get out. Lazy arsed twat.
You really shouldn't accept this OP.

What is it with grown-up humans being obsessed with games. Fucking children.

I breastfed/feed but in the early days even when my partner was working he'd wake up with me, get me a snack or some water, keep me company unless it was obviously gonna be a short nursing session.

Our housework did slip. We hired a cleaner once and it made all the difference but we don't have money for a regular cleaner but instead of pointing fingers at eachother we just accepted that we have to change our priorities. Our house layout also meant I couldn't take our baby into the kitchen while I did the dishes, and my mental health was in tatters any way but he was still supportive.

He did always offer me hours to do what I want, without me asking. Bubble baths. The occasional glass of wine. Changing our son so I didn't need to worry. Especially the middle of the night turds.

I'm telling you this OP because my husband works full time, in a high energy job role and still made time.

You need to talk to your husband about the expectations you have of him. And if he doesn't adhere to those expectations then follow through with the consequence.

Why should his life be unchanged while yours has been ripped apart and reassembled like an old jigsaw puzzle.

Lots of nasty LTB style comments on this thread that you should ignore. Why do they do this?

Anyway...
It's hard where you are now. And different. Hard for you, hard for him. Has he done everything possible? No, he hasn't. Have you not had two minutes to take a shower? Of course not.

Just try to muddle through together. It will get better, I promise.

know if we break up it will be worse because I'll be alone

OP you would rather be in this awful relationship than no relationship at all then you have issues that will need addressing.

Just try to muddle through together. It will get better, I promise

Stupid advice, you can't possibly know this!

@Tiggytigert

Sorry about the DH.

I had to go in for severe PPA for both kids. Previous (well-controlled MH issues). There was no judgment. I'm sure the doctors took notes and (especially with my first) were at the ready to call if I was a danger to the baby, but they seemed all so lovely to me. Keeping me even keel was their top priority. My very blunt, very professional, very educated psychiatrist (uncharacteristically) waggishly pointed out: "If Mama ain't happy, ain't nobody happy." Made me laugh.
I took his advice and we made a plan for me to regain that happiness.
Reach out.

No you're not being unreasonable 'he's awful.... You don't realise how bad they're going to be often until they are...

Sadly my mum didn't realise this about my father.

As a child of one of these men-it's shit.... He never took ANY interest.... And just acted like a single man who was either out or fast asleep in the spare time he did have at home..... My mum was essentially a single parent.

Doesn't change his own baby's nappy! Lazy tosser.

Tell him to start acting like a Dad if he wants to be seen as one.

I recommend you and he read the book how not to hate your husband after having kids.

sorry @Tiggytigert you and dd desrve so muchmore than this..i put up with the exact same thing for 18 months-listening to myself nag and lose the plot,reasoning with exP why he couldnt do simple childcare&household chores and completely neglecting myself as i had no time for anything becuse i now had a baby and a huge sulking manchild.He became addicted to a certain computor game and his phone was rarely out of his hand.I left him when DC was 18 mths& literally creid the first few nights i was alone out of sheer relief and happiness.It is far far easier than you think raising kids alone-because if your "dp" is an unsupportive, draining waste of space you are picking up their slack the whole time.Life is too short and you want to enjoy your childs early years, This dickhead has had plenty of chances-he refuses to change.Start making your plan to leave and thinking through your options-you're doing it all already so things can only get better.Good luck.

@disquieted1 that is not good advice. How can the OP "muddle through together" when her husband is not prepared to put any effort in to raising his child or keeping his household running? Or even noticing that his wife is feeling low and needs support?

OP, do not accept this ridiculous behaviour. I know saying LTB is much easier said than done, but he is bringing nothing to the table. You've said he's nice and loving, but I fail to see any evidence of this. If he can't even put his phone down to comfort his crying baby, then he is not loving or even very nice.

To give him a fair crack of the whip, I'd suggest you have a very frank conversation with him. Tell him exactly how you feel and what you need from him. If he says he's tired, well bully for him, but so are you! You are just as entitled to some down time as he is.

The not showering thing in all of this is a bit of a red herring I think. It's the fact that your husband won't step up enough for even five minutes so you can have a cuppa/ shower/ whatever you need to do that is the issue.

Best of luck, OP.

If he refuses to make his lunch, he can bloody well starve then. I never make my dh lunch. We’ve been together 14 years.

Again, pop your dd into her cot for five minutes to have that shower, you’ll feel so much better.

When he gets in from work tonight, feed dd, give her to him, and go out for a bit. Maybe, his phone might go missing...

When we had our first we were young and had no idea what having a baby would really involve. My husband was initially abit crap, worked long hours and I too felt like I couldn’t admit how hard I was finding things and ask for help. I also was very anxious about getting everything ‘right’ and could be critical of how he did things ( when he occasionally did)
My dh wasn’t as bad as yours sounds, but he honestly had no idea what looking after a baby all day involved, why would he? How hard could it be? He’d never done it! What changed things for us was having an honest conversation about how much I was struggling and him actually listening! He also looked after him solely whilst I went to an all day/evening wedding and was a broken man when I returned 😂 but he finally got it and that really helped with their bonding too.

It’s not normal or ok for you to be constantly asking for help and for him to not care or be willing to change. He has to change and adapt to life with children or you would be better off on your own.

For context, my dh is now fantastic. We have 3dc and I’m currently pregnant with no4. He does all the night wakings with the youngest since lockdown and let’s me have a lie in every weekend. He also takes them all out for an hour or two on the weekend to give me a break. This was all his suggestion and he now loves spending time with them all.
Basically he grew up and stopped with the 1950 bullshit that childcare falls solely on the mother

By the way I am NOT suggesting you have more children with this man and he will eventually get better!! His behaviour is absolutely unreasonable, and he should want to spend time with his child when he is not at work, regardless of whether that ‘helps’ you out. He needs to grow up and realise parenting is just as much his responsibility regardless of the fact he works.