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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

So pubs and restaurants can open but partners coming to scans are still a big no no?!

290 replies

Dee96 · 07/07/2020 23:08

I'm just so infuriated by this and cant believe no one else has picked up on it. I'm not one to complain, and I understand that the economy needs the pick me up but I just think the government has their priorities all wrong. Yet again their actions are based on their best interests, and are completely money orientated. I dont understand how pubs have opened up without the compulsory need to wear a mask or take any precautions other than a pathetic attempt at social distancing that lasted no time at all, yet my partner still cant come with me to my scan? And before people argue that this isnt a big deal, maybe not for some no. But for some women scans are an anxiety driven time during an already scary situation, and the need for emotional and physical support of a partner is crucial, especially for those that dont get good get news. Why is the farther of these babies still viewed as a plus and an outsider to these medical needs, they should be included as part of the package deal along with the mother. They have every right to be there. I understood and had patience at first when everything else was on lockdown and this restriction was implemented, but now I cant rationalise it anymore. Surely someone going out to drink and standing next to a complete stranger of a different household poses more of a risk than my partner being allowed in, at a safe distance, wearing a mask whilst I have my scans. I really just had to get this off my chest since I feel it's so injust and us first times mums really mean nothing. It's bad enough were so vulnerable during this time, and miss out on certain appointments/care but for our needs to be pushed aside for the sake of a pint really gets to me. I had my 20 week scan yesterday and felt like walking right up to the reception to demand an explanation, the only thing stopping me was I knew it wasnt right to take out my frustration on the poor people that are doing their best to work for us during this time.

OP posts:
GreytExpectations · 08/07/2020 11:20

Sorry just to clarify, everyone has mental health same as everyone has physical health. But it can change, you can have temporary bad mental health or a long term mental health illness, same as physical health. If someone had a flu and didn't feel well, would you disregard it and say "Oh well, you can just deal with it" because it's temporary?

GreytExpectations · 08/07/2020 11:21

@californiasealion

greyt, that would be someone with pre existing MH conditions, they wouldn’t be solved or cured by having a partner accompany them to the scan, would they?

Reliance on another to the extent that your mental health will fall apart if you are parted is not healthy, in fact it is the opposite of healthy.

Obviously they won't be "cured". It's about having support, it concerns me the lack of knowledge or sympathy you have on the subject.
californiasealion · 08/07/2020 11:23

I have both. I still stand by my point that reliance on another is not good mental health; it is the opposite.

GreytExpectations · 08/07/2020 11:26

@californiasealion

I have both. I still stand by my point that reliance on another is not good mental health; it is the opposite.
Accept that's not what is being suggested here. Having support of a partner during what may be a difficult time is not the same as having reliance on.
californiasealion · 08/07/2020 11:28

But if mental health is going to be impacted severely then it IS reliance, which seems to be why we are taking different stances.

I don’t believe temporary anxiety is significant: that isn’t intended to be dismissive but it’s a natural part of life such as waiting for exam results or taking a driving test. It is wrong to claim that these are ‘mental health conditions.’

elenacampana · 08/07/2020 11:43

You really aren’t prepared to see this from anyone’s perspective other than your own, are you OP? @Dee96

Comes across like you just want to be an echo chamber of your own views.

NameChange30 · 08/07/2020 11:44

"it'd be nice to see a little sympathy towards the pregnant women who will be mentally suffering through their pregnancy."

Indeed. But this is AIBU. Some people will argue until they're blue in the face that a pregnant woman's mental health doesn't matter. It's bottom of the list. If she feels that she needs support, it's her fault for being "dependent" or "reliant" - for having MH problems and for being pregnant in the first place.

You can't reason with people who think like that.

3cats · 08/07/2020 11:46

A child has two parents. A dad has a right to be there in the scan to see how his baby is doing. A dad has a right to be there for the entire birth. It doesn't mean that all dads can do that, but they should be given the chance.

If precautions are taken, such as masks, hand-washing, and temperature checks, the risks are very low.

I think it's very wrong the way this coronavirus has been handled in the UK. People have had important surgeries cancelled, they've had vital treatments delayed. It's an absolute disgrace. Yet, so many people have drank the government's cool-aid and will tell you that it can't be helped. Yet, so many other countries have handled this so much better. But, yeah, it's a bigger priority to ensure people can enjoy a beach holiday in the sun this summer than people receive life-saving cancer treatment. It's more important that people can go for a pint at the weekend than be there to support each other during medical scans during pregnancy. It's an utter shit-show.

Sirzy · 08/07/2020 11:47

It’s not that pregnant women’s mental health doesn’t matter. The mental health of every patient in the hospital matters and what isn’t true is that pregnant women should have some sort of priority.

Sadly at the moment everyone is having to go to appointments alone. People who are inpatients are having minimal visitors compared to normal. It’s shit but it’s designed to keep people safe

unchienandalusia · 08/07/2020 11:48

Whilst I get that it's not ideal, my DH couldn't come to two of my scans for work reasons and wasn't allowed into the ward until I was in active labour (induction so spent 15 hours on ward). This was in 2010. All I'm saying is that these things happen all the time and we just have to get in with it.

There are reasons that individual trusts or hospitals will make these decisions and they will have been made with the best intentions to protect both staff and patients.

My third point is that it has now been shown that pregnant women are not more vulnerable so please be reassured.

Finally, the pubs and restaurants reopening are paying taxes that pay for the NHS. They are not comparable situations.

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 08/07/2020 11:51

A child has two parents yes BUT the nhs only has two patients and a duty of care to two parents: the birth mother and baby.

(Btw yes this government has handled everything appallingly)

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 08/07/2020 11:51

*duty of care to two patients (not parents)

Sirzy · 08/07/2020 11:53

In paediatric departments at the moment only one parent is allowed in. It’s not ideal but it’s doing the best they can to keep things safe

NameChange30 · 08/07/2020 12:03

@3cats

"I think it's very wrong the way this coronavirus has been handled in the UK. People have had important surgeries cancelled, they've had vital treatments delayed. It's an absolute disgrace. Yet, so many people have drank the government's cool-aid and will tell you that it can't be helped. Yet, so many other countries have handled this so much better. But, yeah, it's a bigger priority to ensure people can enjoy a beach holiday in the sun this summer than people receive life-saving cancer treatment. It's more important that people can go for a pint at the weekend than be there to support each other during medical scans during pregnancy. It's an utter shit-show."

Absolutely! Well said.

JassyRadlett · 08/07/2020 12:05

Isn’t the issue here the particular potential vulnerability of pregnant women? If you double the number of people in the waiting room you both make distancing harder and increase the number of people - thus increasing the chance (currently pretty small but still there) that one of them will have Covid and be infectious.

So it’s balancing the benefits to women of having their partner with them with the risk to those women from an increased chance of infection.

It’s shit, though, and I’m incredibly sorry.

GreytExpectations · 08/07/2020 12:11

@NameChange30

"it'd be nice to see a little sympathy towards the pregnant women who will be mentally suffering through their pregnancy."

Indeed. But this is AIBU. Some people will argue until they're blue in the face that a pregnant woman's mental health doesn't matter. It's bottom of the list. If she feels that she needs support, it's her fault for being "dependent" or "reliant" - for having MH problems and for being pregnant in the first place.

You can't reason with people who think like that.

Very well said, its quite sad that people dismiss short term anxiety and stress so easily. Guess because they haven't had to experience how bad it can be then it must not matter. This thread probably would have been better in a different topic
californiasealion · 08/07/2020 12:20

I think it’s a shame that any discernment has been assumed to be people being rude for the sake of it, seven pages and I haven’t seen anybody who thinks the NHS have a point be deliberately rude or provocative.

DullDullWeather · 08/07/2020 12:27

This reply has been deleted

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NameChange30 · 08/07/2020 12:29

That comment is such classic nasty AIBU that you have to laugh really Grin

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 08/07/2020 12:32

it'd be nice to see a little sympathy towards the pregnant women who will be mentally suffering through their pregnancy

No one is unsympathetic, but much of society is having their mental health suffer due to the covid restrictions: kids cut off from their education and friends, elderly people stuck at home, working parents trying to home school- everyone is suffering!

californiasealion · 08/07/2020 12:34

I have to admit, I’m not. Workplace closed, so I got to spend all of the first trimester with exhaustion and sickness at home and sleeping and as I said above, I really like the calmness to the scans and appointments

I’m NOT saying it’s the same for everybody, before everyone jumps - just that one persons experiences are just that.

Quartz2208 · 08/07/2020 12:34

Hospitals have limited numbers and space at the moment sadly the priority has to be patients. And then next allowing people to visit terminally ill or seriously ill patients.

Its awful and its shit but sadly allowing fathers into scan isnt going to be top of the priority list when you are trying to get those in who need the care

ResumetonormalASAP · 08/07/2020 12:36

@californiasealion

Totally. 4 guests all whopping up the room - imagine if their is bad news and there are 4 people there who need to leave/stay so you can be told! It all went a bit mad (like gender reveal) - on a light note there will be guests at the conception next - whopping them on....

I do think one positive about all this night just be getting pregnancy and birth back to something that’s focused on the health of mum and baby. My hospital used to allow ‘up to four guests’, sorry but that’s ridiculous, it’s a medical scan not a party. And because it’s allowed that puts pressure on women like me, who would far rather get on quietly with minimal fuss, to have partner, in laws and whoever in oohing and shrieking when you want to focus on actually seeing your baby for the first time.

ResumetonormalASAP · 08/07/2020 12:36

there not their!

Crosswithlifeatm · 08/07/2020 12:38

Everybody going to a pub does so knowing the risks.
Anyone going to hospital does so assuming that the favourable risks have been minimised and that includes Covid.
It may be upsetting but it is for a short while and much less distressing than a a new mum/baby/partner getting Covid all omg with maybe a few others because one selfish person thought only about themselves.
I suppose you want hospitals to shut if someone in them gets Covid too.

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