old fashioned values?

[sushila]

AIBU to feel outraged by my husbands old fashioned values regarding things like the fact that he thinks he should be able to sit at the 'head' of the table as he should be respected by the children My dd (12) his sdd would also like this seat but he feel strongly that he should have it. I totally disagree and think everyone should be respected. I'd value opinions as I'm really struggling with this, it's also one of many values that I see as dated, thanks

He's an adult, she's a child. If that seat is considered to a position of authority (which in your house it appears to have become) then it should go to an adult. It's not about respect, it's about authority. A child does not have authority over an adult in the home. I can see a valid reason why your partner would like that seat, I see no valid reason why your daughter would.

What DrP said.

He's being an arse. This is the reason King Arthur had a round table: it stopped fights about who sat at the top.

Tell you what, I'd bring in a rule that the person who sits there has to clear away and wash up/stack the dishwasher.

When my boys were growing up,the seat at the top of the table was reserved for whoever had cooked the meal. It was usually me.

The end seats are for the adults or if all adults the hosts.

I can honestly say I have never succumbed to feelings of respect for anyone based on which seat they occupy at a table. I’d be much more likely to lose respect for anyone who thinks it matters.

Ummmm.

I'd consider us a liberal family, but there's no way one of the kids would sit at the head of the table.

DH or I do, depending on who has cooked.

Perhaps it's unfair of me, but it just wouldn't happen in our house, like a child sitting in the front of the car and an adult in the back.

It's a respect thing.

YANBU that “head of table” is old fashioned
But
YABU to let a child take the preferred seat of an adult and to teach children not to respect adults/their parents (step or not).

This is going to be quite polarising, isn't it?!

We sit two to a side, so DDs one side, and us the other. But we all have our 'own' seats - our previous table setting, I sat one end, DH the other, and girls either side.

I don't quite see why your daughter thinks that a particular seat should be hers for the demanding. We, as parents and working adults, do contribute more to the provisioning and running of the household in one way or another than our children do, and I think it's reasonable that this is respected and acknowledged.

The person at the end of our table is the one who’s feeding the baby. Only because of where the high chair is.

Beyond that I confess I’ve given it no thought at all.

What’s so special about the “head” of your table? Why’s it turning into a pissing contest?

I also wonder if it's topic not issue, and their chosen subject on which to butt heads.

This might be a dumb question. Which end is the "head"? Everyone is saying there's only one but I always thought both ends were equally the "heads". We have our son at the head at the moment but only because he's in a highchair and it's the only way it fits (and with DH and I either side we can both take turns feeding him so we both get to eat too). When we're established and all feeding ourselves then I'd have one adult at each end and the kids in the middle.

I would go with adults in the house choose where they want to sit. The child
ren get their turn when they live in their own houses imo.

I’ve never sat at a table (home, friends, colleagues) and considered there to be a “head” position, and I’m 52!

Only time position has been considered is leaving do / birthday - where the guest of honour has had the middle-ish of a long table - Last Supper painting style!

He sounds an arse, but I’d love to know what your daughter’s reasoning is?

I think its very childish and a bit too authoritarian for my liking to insist on the head of the table seat. It wouldn't kill him to let her sit there sometimes.

I am actually less interested in your daughter being “in her place” than I am in your relative position the the “head” @sushila

I have just realised that my dad sat at the head of the table for years. Still does, I just don’t live there anymore! I wouldn’t dream of asking him to move

Everyone deserves respect.

We all have our preferred seats at the table and we stick to those.

A child should not be allowed to take the preferred place of an adult.

I am facing a similar battle with DS2 over the front passenger seat in the car. He is slightly taller than me but not enough to need the extra leg room. DS1 does get the front seat now but is well over 6’.
It’s not the seat that matters but rather that he thought he could tell me where I could sit. I have refused for now.

On the other hand the DC sit at the heads of the table and DH and I sit on the sides. We never really thought about it.

@ChazsBrilliantAttitude I don't think your issue is really about height - it's about treating your two son's differently.

Nothing to do with the seat, it's an authority thing.
My opinion....the child sits where they are told. End of story.

I agree with Drpatient - how do you know which end is the head, and which the 'bottom?' Is the bottom second in importance to the head, and if so does the mother usually sit there, or is it the lowest of the low? How do you decide who is the head, is it automatically the father, or the person who brings in the most money? Do the children sit in honour of how old they are or does the eldest son and heir have preference due to laws of primogeniture? I'm semi joking here, but really it does sound ridiculous to me. Even the census has removed the 'head of the household' element of the form years ago!

Like ellisandra I have never considered table positioning in my life thus far, excepting the 'guest of honour' position in the middle of a table when eating out to celebrate whatever occasion.

It's not about the place at the table, it's about whether your husband throws his weight around. There's not much info in the OP so I can't really form an opinion. My father had a thing about sitting at the head of the table even when there were empty spaces on either side (really awkward and stupid) and in his case it was just another expression of his stupid control freakery and abusiveness. The fact that this is important to him and not just a seat at a table is worth thinking about but there's not much to go on. You do say there are other "dated" values...

My table is round so not an issue here.
Isn't the head end of a table wider than say each child would have if there are 2 kids sitting along one side? Adults are bigger so need more space.
If your daughter is the only child could you move the other side chair out so she has more space before eating?

Do people still consider there to be a head of table?

If it's just the seat that's the issue then every one is being unreasonable. It's a chair. Why does it matter who sits there?

If it's just the chair you're addressing but your husband has other views that impede on showing your daughter respect and kindness then I think he's being very unreasonable but you've not said that, so I'd be an ass if I jumped to conclusions.