old fashioned values?

[sushila]

AIBU to feel outraged by my husbands old fashioned values regarding things like the fact that he thinks he should be able to sit at the 'head' of the table as he should be respected by the children My dd (12) his sdd would also like this seat but he feel strongly that he should have it. I totally disagree and think everyone should be respected. I'd value opinions as I'm really struggling with this, it's also one of many values that I see as dated, thanks

It doesn't sound like they respect each other. Hardly surprising considering really because he sounds intolerant.

We are only 2 or 3 at home and the table is in the corner, so there is one end/head and one side.

The person with the longest legs sits at the head - usually means, but when DS1 is home he gets it.

I think adults choose their seats and children sit where they are asked to. It doesn't need to be a big deal and doesn't mean parents don't respect children.
However I don't think the issue is so much with your daughter choosing a seat, from what you have said, I think you have conflicting parenting styles on some issues which is causing problems for you both.
I think you have presented this particular situation in such a way that makes your husband out to be unreasonable but maybe you need to discuss parenting situations where you have differing opinions and agree how you can approach them together, as a team.

I don't think it's harmful to (or disrespectful of) children for an adult to always sit at the head of the table. To me, it's the same as with a car. If there are two adults/parents in the car, they get the front seats, unless there's a good reason to do otherwise.

It sounds like there are underlying issues, and it's impossible to advise with the information we have in this thread. If your husband feels that he's not respected by the children and that you're contributing to that in some way, that might result in feelings of resentment and a digging in of the heels on things that seem inconsequential to you-- or maybe he's just a bully.

Like many women, we will never truly understand the male species, but we appreciate when they support our irrational wishes so we should do the same.

I didn't know they still made this particular brand of cobblers.

It all sounds a bit odd and there is clearly more to this than is in the thread.
Tbh, I don't understand all this deference to one family member at all. Yes, people should treat each other with respect but that goes both ways and kids should be respected as much as adults.
All this head of the table crap is beyond me, I don't get it at all.
People do settle into 'their seats' I get that but that's different to choosing where to sit based on status in the family.
I don't want women and girls to be learning that men are the head of the household and must be obeyed, urgh.

I also don't get the head of the table thing and wouldn't care who sat where. But I would definitely have an issue with my husband if he thought he should automatically be head of the family because he is a man. No thanks.

Also with cars, whoever needs the front seat and leg room most will get it.

I also don't believe in automatic respect due to age. I am always kind and pleasant to people, but respect is earned. My father for example deserved none.

@rwoollsey

Reading through this whole thread makes me wonder whether I have accidentally been transported back to the 1950s!

Daughters being submissive to their fathers

Adults getting annoyed about wanting to be at the head of the table

Adults thinking being in a certain seat at a damn table is related to the amount of respect they command

Exactly this

Adults to sit at the head of the table, I agree with the posters who say it's about authority and a child does not have the command place at the table.

If you want to be really liberal, get a circular table. Otherwise, I don't consider it old fashioned to have an adult at the head of the table at all.

I grew up in a household where my father always sat at the head of the table, my mother at the other end as she had cooked the meal and needed to get in and out of the kitchen. However, we were all equal in setting, serving or clearing up afterwards, my father would often wash up in respect of the fact my mother had been cooking, to give her a well earned rest.

When my father died, us children were already grown up. My mother didn't like to see an empty place, I took the seat at family meals as the eldest daughter. I felt proud to be in my father's seat at the time.

I find it bizarre that people care who sits where. I'm in charge of my kids regardless of where they, or I, sit

The only time adults take preference over children for seats is if we have guests and there aren't enough seats. Then seats are given up in age order

I find this whole thread to be an utterly bizarre throwback to be honest and its slightly shocked me.

I don't have a problem with children having to do as they are told by adults. But I am completely struggling with the idea that anyone actually gives a flying fairy which end of the table they sit at and think they have some automatic right to it by virtue of being either a) an adult or b) a man.

Just bizarre the things that people get exercised about.

This is really strange!

I couldn't give a flying fuck which seat my dcs want to sit and eat their dinner at.

The whole head of the house/respect thing is ridiculous.

I come from a household with parents like that and I can assure you it doesn't make them respect you, if anything quite the opposite.

This is one of those MN threads that makes me realise that lots of people (at least claim to) live in the past values-wise. I’d also have thought the nonsense about ‘authority’ and ‘commanding the table’ had stopped being a thing.

That said, the kids (however tall they are) can sit in the back of the car (I unless there’s only one adult). It’s much nicer in the front and I can talk to DH properly. Nothing to do with respect, but the cars are paid for from our joint funds, and I don’t want to sit in the back seat.