old fashioned values?

[sushila]

AIBU to feel outraged by my husbands old fashioned values regarding things like the fact that he thinks he should be able to sit at the 'head' of the table as he should be respected by the children My dd (12) his sdd would also like this seat but he feel strongly that he should have it. I totally disagree and think everyone should be respected. I'd value opinions as I'm really struggling with this, it's also one of many values that I see as dated, thanks

@EwanTheMelatoninSheep

Ummmm.

I'd consider us a liberal family, but there's no way one of the kids would sit at the head of the table.

DH or I do, depending on who has cooked.

Perhaps it's unfair of me, but it just wouldn't happen in our house, like a child sitting in the front of the car and an adult in the back.

It's a respect thing.

This is exactly how I feel.

Yes, the issue is definitely what's behind an authoritarian attitude.

Yes, the issue is definitely what's behind an authoritarian attitude.

I think I would be allowed to sit in this seat if I was bothered at all where I sat, so that’s not the issue. He does seem to want to dominate the children although he can be kind also. He’s not a total a... ....I think also that he doesn’t own his negative feelings towards my dd and that could be part of it. I agree with those that think kids should respect adults, I thought we had evolved to a state where adults also respected children. My children do respect adults. I love the sound of the households where no one cares! I guess we are all entitled to have values, it’s hard to parent with someone where they conflict. And yes it’s not an isolated incident, his behaviour lately has leant towards the children having to make way for him generally.

I'm curious to know whether all the "what a controlling twat" commenters would feel if they weren't assuming it was a macho-aggressive issue.
For example - do you have a favourite mug? What if your child insisted on having your favourite mug every morning so you couldn't use it? Would you think they have equal right then because it's equal respect?
Do you watch Eastenders every evening? What if your 12yo wanted to watch something else? Equal respect then?
What about if your 12yo old ate the last biscuit when they knew it was reserved for you? What if your 12yo sat in the front of the car so you had to sit in the back? What if they thought they should have the master bedroom?
Do they get equal say on when dinner is? Or what you're having?
None of these are based on anything other than "I'm the adult, I pay the bills, I make the rules, I get more respect, I get things my way". This chair is no different.

YABU @sushila - I see why he wants to sit there, cannot see a problem with it 🤔

No one cares about where they sit! not about respecting each other

That’s ridiculous. I actually sit at the head of the table, so I can have a child on each side. It’s really not all that

@sushila

I think I would be allowed to sit in this seat if I was bothered at all where I sat, so that’s not the issue. He does seem to want to dominate the children although he can be kind also. He’s not a total a... ....I think also that he doesn’t own his negative feelings towards my dd and that could be part of it. I agree with those that think kids should respect adults, I thought we had evolved to a state where adults also respected children. My children do respect adults. I love the sound of the households where no one cares! I guess we are all entitled to have values, it’s hard to parent with someone where they conflict. And yes it’s not an isolated incident, his behaviour lately has leant towards the children having to make way for him generally.

His negative feelings towards your daughter? What's that about?

It seems like this isn't really about the seat at all, so unless you have some other concrete examples to share then it's quite hard to say whether he's being authoritarian or you're being too sensitive.

In our house, everyone more or less has their own seat at table and sticks to it, same with places on the sofa and seats in the car. And if we have to share a bed, sides of the bed. I don't think of it as a way of asserting dominance, it's just habit.

I do have my seats mainly because I am not keen on being too close to anyone. I have a chair in the living room, hate the couch and an end seat at the dining table. It not in an authoritative manner just preference. Even the dog understands which is my seat.

Ah OP, as usual, we get to the nub of the issue about 4-6 posts later from the OP. So now you will spend half of the thread reading responses to your first post but this is not your main issue. Your main issue is your DH emotionally abusing you and your DC.

We have a round table so isn’t really relevant lol
I can’t understand the big deal about being head of a table- it’s just a chair! I don’t instantly respect someone purely on the basis of their chair position, that’s silly. Plus as others have said how do you know it’s the “head”? Maybe it’s the bottom?!!

Reading through this whole thread makes me wonder whether I have accidentally been transported back to the 1950s!

Daughters being submissive to their fathers

Adults getting annoyed about wanting to be at the head of the table

Adults thinking being in a certain seat at a damn table is related to the amount of respect they command

@Sushila From my perspective, if he cares and you don't then, on the balance, his priority wins. If you strongly felt your daughter should sit there then that would be different but it appears that your daughter either wants to be there because it's better (in which your husband deserves it over her because she doesn't pay the bills, she doesn't run the house and she's a child) or she wants it because he wants it (in which case your husband gets it because she's being petty). If you want that seat then you have as much a right as he does - but your child does not.
Whether you care or not, this is something important to your husband. Like many women, we will never truly understand the male species, but we appreciate when they support our irrational wishes so we should do the same.

Does he also carve the Sunday roast at the table, as was traditional when I were a girl?

I actually quite like the idea of a head of table, though it wasn't something I even thought about as an adult.

What a trivial issue to creates fuss over. I don't even see it as being related to authority. Why is that particular position so important? In the house I grew up in and my own house now, we sit two on either side and there was never any question of one seat being more "respected" than the others.

I agree with others that the head of the table issue is a red herring so it depends on his other actions and behaviour towards the children. Of this is just a one-off foible I'd roll my eyes and let him get on with it, but if he has a domineering attitude in general, I'd be concerned. Parents have authority in the house, but there is a difference between making the rules and being authoritarian.

Growing up my brother and I sat at the ends of the table in the kitchen and my parents had the side. Mainly because mum liked to sit next to dad, and because dad couldn't get his belly between the table and the wall.

However when we used the dining room dad sat at the head of the table. Id never thought to deeply about "assigned seats" but we did sit in the same ones every evening.

DH and I have a round table that we all sit at.

We just have a round table. There's no power position. Driving, if DH fancies a drink, I drive my car and he rides shotgun, or vice versa. Or if we're going to family friends with DS, then often he's the duty driver and DH (who is 6'5" tall) takes the shotgun seat and I sit behind DS because I am much shorter and fit neatly into the space.

We are all comfortable.

I understand the powerplay, I think. But understanding it doesn't mean you need to enable it. In your situation, I think I'd aim to keep changing the allocation of tasks. In our house, whoever cooks doesn't have to do dishes. But we are currently 3 adults, and will soon just be two.

I hadn't ever considered the idea of the "head of the table" what an archaic concept.
Seating at our table is based purely on practicalities- who need to be popping up and down to fetch stuff or arrange drinks, body size, agility ( an older person to consider) and just preference.

Head of the table stuff is a nonsense.

Adults need to earn respect from children- it is not something they can command.

Similar happened here last week, the 2 dc decided they wanted to swap seats with us at the table. Not a chance, dh sits at the head where he can most easily get up and clear the table at the end, I sit to his left, I like it there. The kids are welcome to swap between themselves but no they can't just over ride our wishes to sit where we want. I am quite old fashioned I suppose. They aren't having my spot on the couch either or my favourite mug!

I don't think of "head of the table" either. It is in much the same way as I don't believe in the bullshit of the man being automatically the head of the household. That is a joint undertaking between parents.

We do all have our regular places at our table though. It has just evolved that way and we like it. Children never challenged where adults liked to sit through.