Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

old fashioned values?

113 replies

sushila · 06/07/2020 18:56

AIBU to feel outraged by my husbands old fashioned values regarding things like the fact that he thinks he should be able to sit at the 'head' of the table as he should be respected by the children My dd (12) his sdd would also like this seat but he feel strongly that he should have it. I totally disagree and think everyone should be respected. I'd value opinions as I'm really struggling with this, it's also one of many values that I see as dated, thanks

OP posts:
DrPatient · 06/07/2020 19:55

@ChazsBrilliantAttitude To be clear, I was absolutely not intending to accuse you of anything and have no issues with what you're doing at all. I just meant that it's more likely that DS2 wants something because DS1 gets it. Even though it's based on age and height (perfectly reasonably) DS2 is just going to see that DS1 is getting it and he isn't - therefore he wants it.

Zaphodsotherhead · 06/07/2020 19:55

Well I'll be fucked if I respect anyone just because they tell me I've got to. If they demonstrate they are worthy of respect, fair enough. But I've met too many tosspots in my time, who seem to think that all women should worship at their altar because they were Men, and therefore should be treated with the respect they thought they deserved.

Without exception, not one of them deserved an ounce of my respect.

lyralalala · 06/07/2020 19:58

@sushila

Thanks for having an opinion, seems like it’s quite divided. Just to say that my daughter doesn’t consider she has a right to sit there she just likes it and Is happy to move around. As someone said it is maybe more about him ‘throwing his weight around’. We live in his house and income from my house pays a lot of the expenses here so I feel at a disadvantage anyway as most things are his. He won’t move btw!
Do you and your daughter ever get your own way or is everything his way all of the time?

That's not an environment I'd want my daughter seeing. She should at least be seeing your husband treat you as his equal. He shouldn't be the high and mighty ruler of the house because he has a penis

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 06/07/2020 20:05

I'd just passive aggressively replace the table with a round one.

We have an oblong table. There is no "head" there is just seats.

TheFormerPorpentinaScamander · 06/07/2020 20:09

My family have a weird thing about the "man of the house" sitting at the head of the table. So at my Dads house it's his seat. At my mums house it's my step dads. If srep-dad isn't there my brother gets that seat. At my brothers house he sits at the head.
We have an oval folding table in my house so we sit at the sides. Plus I'm a single mum so no "man of the house" here. And anyone who suggests that DS1 is the "man of the house" gets short shrift from me!

TwilightPeace · 06/07/2020 20:11

I think any adult who can’t cope without sitting in the ‘head’ Hmm chair must have an extremely fragile ego.
‘It’s about respect’....what does that even mean?

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 06/07/2020 20:12

A Venn diagram of the "head of the table" fans on this thread and the "my husband always drives" posters on the other thread would show a fair bit of overlap I reckon.

ProseccoBubbleFantasies · 06/07/2020 20:16

I think that when we host, as hosts we (DH and i) need to be in seats we can easily get in and out of to clear between courses, fetch anything needed, etc

It's similar when we eat. Adults fetching a drink if it's needed or a cloth. Children need to sit and eat without fiddlefaffing around. So adults sit in seats where it's easier to get in and out

Dylaninthemovies1 · 06/07/2020 20:27

I had never thought about it, as we all sit at the side of the table. Except at Christmas, where FIL sits as “head” at one side (well, it’s his birthday) and I sit as head at the other side (because it’s right beside the kitchen and I am up and down checking in food) DH and DS then sit on one side (DS in the middle of us so we can both supervise him) and both grans at the other side so they can gossip to each other’s

MrsHSW · 06/07/2020 20:30

Its weird, the table thing doesn't bother me but I'd be annoyed at having to make excuses or explanations as to to why my child can't sit in the front seat of a car and me in the back. Because I'm taller, need to read the map, want to sit with Dad, etc. 'Because that's how it is' or 'because I want to, tough' sounds so backward but why should my child dictate where I sit? If it didn't bother me fine, but if it does then really it's only a seat and the kid will get over it?

I guess the real question is, is this an isolated thing or does your husband make everyone in the house feel submissive? If it's isolated, maybe just let your husband sit in his seat, not sure its worth arguing about. Your daughter has the choice of all the other seats, sometimes we can't have everything we want.

LouiseSP82 · 06/07/2020 20:32

my daughter sits at the head of the table (there are only 3 of us)..I didn't even know this was a thing!

MrsTerryPratchett · 06/07/2020 20:37

The irony is that, rather than respect, his position confers twatdom to him.

ExtremelyBoldSquirrels · 06/07/2020 20:39

I couldn’t care less who sits where at our table. We only have regular seats because it stops the kids being annoying about changing etc.

DSS sits at the end of the table (I don’t think if it as head or foot) because he’s got a high chair type thing. He can move round to a normal chair along the side when he’s a bit taller.

GabriellaMontez · 06/07/2020 20:40

So what is the context of all this? What else bothers you? Clearly this isn't isolated.

corythatwas · 06/07/2020 20:43

Only just realised that the only reason my parents sat where they sat, in my 60s and 70s childhood, was so one of them could have easy access to the fridge and the other to the sink.

We didn't have a car, but when I got kids of my own, our rule was always the person with the bad back/long legs gets the front seat. As I am in far better health than my eldest and much shorter (once he reached puberty) than my youngest, that was never me. It would have seemed absurd for me to take a seat that made no difference whatsoever to my comfort while leaving another human being in acute discomfort.

Doesn't seem to have affected the respect anyone feels either for me or for my parents.

Purpletigers · 06/07/2020 20:45

Your husband is correct . It’s about authority which should come from an adult .

kenandbarbie · 06/07/2020 20:46

What? How is it the best seat?

It's just a shorter side of the table.

It's not like the front of the car which has a better view and more room.

It sounds like a power struggle has built up over nothing. Like they both want the seat just to show they're more important than the other one. Very childish all round imo.

Justwalkyourfineassoutthedoor · 06/07/2020 20:50

We don’t allow set seats at our table, we all sit wherever and swap around most meals, it usually depends on who gets there fastest! If the kids try to fight over who sits where then I chose where they sit but I think that’s only happened once or twice? If DP insisted on sitting at the head of the table and demanded respect he would be going hungry or cooking for himself!

FloggingMoll · 06/07/2020 20:50

We all have preferred seats in our house; I have the armchair, DP has the seat on the sofa nearest the side table with direct view of the TV. Neither of us would blink an eye if our DD was in "our seat", except perhaps to make a joke about allowing her to do it. For me, your DP is being ridiculous but I see others here are agreeing with his stance, so I guess it's horses for courses.

Stompythedinosaur · 06/07/2020 20:54

I think it's a wierd thing for an adult to care about. Akin to a toddler wanting to drink out of the pink cup. A seat is a seat.

My main issue is why your dp thinks he should have a position he considers to confer authority over you? If that is what he thinks the seat means, then you should be taking turns with it.

happymummy12345 · 06/07/2020 20:56

It's not very often the 3 of us get to sit and eat at the table as a family due to the hours my husband works. When we do usually we all just sit anywhere.
However on important days, like Christmas Day for example, my husband sits at the head of the table, I sit at the other end. Our son sits in the middle. In many respects I am quite old fashioned and think things like that are right. He's the head of the family, so that's where he sits.
On the odd occasion we have a meal at home on a special occasion, just the 2 of us, we also sit at opposite ends of the table as I think it's nicest.

puzzledpiece · 06/07/2020 20:57

What a dick. A chair is a bloody chair at a table that you eat from. Head of the table? Are we in the 19th century? You sit children at seats where they can be helped if necessary and are young enough.with you in that one.

LesNanas · 06/07/2020 20:57

Where do you sit, OP, given that you’re not a child? Or is this a penis-possessing type of ‘authority’?

HollowTalk · 06/07/2020 20:59

@EwanTheMelatoninSheep

Ummmm.

I'd consider us a liberal family, but there's no way one of the kids would sit at the head of the table.

DH or I do, depending on who has cooked.

Perhaps it's unfair of me, but it just wouldn't happen in our house, like a child sitting in the front of the car and an adult in the back.

It's a respect thing.

This is exactly how I feel.
GabriellaMontez · 06/07/2020 20:59

Are you allowed the seat OP or can only a man have the seat?

Swipe left for the next trending thread