To cancel a wedding abroad that 40 guests have paid to attend?

[Justwondering82]

We are due to get married abroad in March next year. So far we have only paid the deposit for the venue, remaining balance not due until January. However our 40 guests have paid for their package holidays to attend, some have only paid deposits and some have paid full balances.

The only reason I want to cancel is because I don't think it's going to happen. With covid, the possibility of a second wave and social distancing etc I just do not realistically see how it will go ahead. We were having the wedding next year and buying a house the year after, but we've got enough sat in our savings for either a house deposit or the wedding. A house has come up that we love, it's in the perfect location and is just everything we want. We can't get the house and not cancel/postpone the wedding as we wouldn't have enough left in savings to cover both if the wedding was to go ahead. We would ideally want to postpone the wedding, but god knows the long term impact this will have on travel especially for a large group of us. We don't want to be impacted by social distancing either. I'd rather cancel and just see how the next few years pan out?

What do I do?

If you are so convinced it'll be cancelled then just leave things as they are, buy the house, and you'll get your money back on the wedding & holiday, as will everyone else. Simples!

I know you've already said it isn't being cancelled now.

But to reassure you whether it will go ahead - a number of places in the Caribbean are already on the green/amber list. We have a Caribbean holiday booked for October and I'm fairly confident it will be going ahead.

Really don't get the issue with destination weddings on mumsnet. We ran the idea past people that we wanted to get married abroad, we paid for our parents to go and said to others if they can't make it no issue we'll have a big party at home. All of our siblings and their partners wanted to come, and could afford it. Both sets of parents, siblings, partners and kids make up more than half of our guests. We worked with our families and found a resort that matched what everyone wanted, we found a resort where kids went free. It was planned together like a big family holiday I just sorted the bookings and I'm arranging the wedding separately. We didn't send invites, we simply mentioned it to our closest friends and said everyone is welcome but no one is expected, it's a gorgeous place so unsurprisingly a few were up for it. Of course some couldn't afford it, or want to go and that's fine. Destination weddings can be a brilliant way to have an excuse for extended family holidays which we all can't wait for. I'm hardly dragging them against their will.

I see you are going ahead with the wedding.

Destination wedding attendance costs a lot for people to attend and there is the time off element added to the mix. Costs of two weeks in the Caribbean versus a weekend in Swindon, it’s not hard to work out which will cost more in cash and time.

I have been to a few weddings abroad but it’s because I have American relatives.You will be triggering lots of memories for lots of posters who have been put in the situation of having to fork out a lot of money to attend a wedding, in this country or abroad where really it was an inconvenience.

I have turned down wedding invites because the cost and inconvenience vs how much I like the bride and groom just doesn’t weigh up. But most wont do this because people want to be liked, it’s why people tell white lies all the time.

It is the marriage and not the wedding that matters ultimately.

Hi OP,
We had to cancel our wedding this year and it is beyond stressful. I lost it a few times and i can completely empathise with what you're trying to deal with. There are so many what ifs and different scenarios.
I totally understand why you would be contemplating this as an option.
You need to accept you will be getting married in March next year, but also accept it might not be the dream wedding you planned on. You do have to go through with it - unless it's cancelled and out of your hands.
Expect only a few guests or the abroad wedding and maybe plan on having a party back in the UK (if thats what you would like with all your friends and family).

The bottom line - you cannot control March, you cannot cancel it and you will have an amazing time. Try to relax and look forward to it. I belie by March things will be better. If we are in a spike and things are cancelled then at least it is not your fault.

You will be triggering lots of memories for lots of posters who have been put in the situation of having to fork out a lot of money to attend a wedding
So an invite to a wedding is now triggering?!

As an adult you would be touched you're invited but would turn it down if you couldn't afford the travel etc. You wouldn't be triggered!
I'm in utter disbelief it's come to invites for wedding triggering someone.

@Blackswans

You will be triggering lots of memories for lots of posters who have been put in the situation of having to fork out a lot of money to attend a wedding So an invite to a wedding is now triggering?!

As an adult you would be touched you're invited but would turn it down if you couldn't afford the travel etc. You wouldn't be triggered!
I'm in utter disbelief it's come to invites for wedding triggering someone.

Agree with you - how ridiculous ! 😂

@Justwondering82

Ignore the twats. you asked if you were BU and accepted it very graciously.
I’m not a fan of destination weddings if there’s pressure to attend but there isn’t in your case, so it’s not a problem. I do hope your wedding goes ahead as planned. :)

I think there are a lot of posters on AIBU who hate it when the OP backs down and agrees that she's been U, because they missed out on their bunfight; they didn't get the chance to ask the OP, 'Why come on AIBU if you only take notice of posters who agree with you?' They don't get the chance to accuse the OP of 'flouncing'.

I think @Justwondering82 the issue as a lot of us have families, destination weddings are a huge headache school/work time wise and financial cost. It’s a big ask! Also, as overseas hotels will also offer a huge discount to couples on the wedding package if they get a sufficient number of guests, effectively the guests a lot of the time are picking up the cost of the wedding. When we get an overseas invite I never think ‘great!’, I think most of us don’t!

However, this is your dream and everyone should have the wedding they and not others want. It sounds like you have been completely fair expectation wise with your guests. Pulling out would have been crap but obviously you’ve decided against that now. Hope it goes well and best wishes.

If I was one of your guests and you cancelled, I would probably be a bit pissed off at first then get over it and look forward to the holiday.

It would definitely make me think less of you though and I would consider you to be a selfish person. That said, I would probably continue to be friends but keep you at arms length so that you don’t have the opportunity to screw me over again. I would also certainly raise an eyebrow if I then found out you bought a house as it wouldn’t take a genius to work out where the deposit came from.

So all in all I would think of it as an ultimate bridezilla moment of madness.

I think your wedding sounds amazing OP, and I would love to be invited to something similar especially as kids are being included! I've only been to one overseas wedding and it was so much fun, a massive holiday with friends with a wedding thrown in, what's not to like?

I really hope it does get to go ahead for you

I've been to only one overseas wedding, in Sweden, and that was because my friend getting married was Swedish so it wasn't a destination wedding. However, a couple of my friends have had destination weddings and then had a party when they got back, which I obviously attended. There was no pressure at all for guests to go to the wedding itself. I think that's much better.

I would just cancel - weddings cost far too much money - for most people its just a party! - why waste it on 1 day - far better to put it towards your new home - why don't you have a very low key affair - registry office? max 10 people? next year.

You. Cannot. Cancel

Sounds like you are using Covid as a reason to buy a house you like over getting married. Thats your choice but to expect your friends to lose all that money id expect to lose a lot of your friends

Nobody knows whether your wedding will be cancelled by Covid or not because it depends on so many things - here and elsewhere. I think a lot of people have rethought their priorities during lockdown and perhaps you yearn for the security of a home rather than the unknown - I do agree it's hard to imagine normal life - but there will be some kind of return. I think you need to speak to your guests. Keep it really simple and say how sorry you are but you feel uncomfortable with leaving things up in the air and being uncertain whether or not you'll end up being able to have the wedding - and actually you'd rather cancel it now then organise something else down the line than wait and not know for possibly months whether it'll go ahead. Then, I would say you're SO SORRY for mucking everyone around and if they're not insured for a cancellation you will, of course, cover their costs. I'd say sorry quite a bit. I think it's reasonable but you have to handle it very carefully.

I’m getting married in March and I’m hoping Covid is calm enough that we can go ahead. I think you’re not thinking Covid really you’re thinking house.

Think you need to talk to the guests and ask how they feel about it

Get married in a registry office then go abroad to do the whole family holiday thing as an extension of the cheap wedding. Saves the expense abroad and no one is losing money for going to celebrate your wedding as that's what they'd still be doing, albeit a bit differently. Try to do the registry thing the day or week before.

I don't think this will be the wedding you had imagined because of covid and we may according to experts be hit again all winter so it's perfectly reasonable to want to switch your priorities and buy a house.
I wouldn't miss out on my dream home for the price of a package holiday and I wouldn't expect anyone else too either.

I would cancel. Life has changed since you booked and many of your guests might not even want to travel now!

Considering how easy it is now to read all of the OPs updates why do people still not RTFT??

I haven’t read all of this but - if I were your guest I would take the holiday I’d booked anyway and enjoy it (unless it later got cancelled for covid) and then I’d get a refund anyway - and if you were my friend I’d be happy for you that you had your dream home. If I could afford to come to your rebooked wedding I would - but if I couldn’t I’d expect you to understand and and not be upset with me. Friendship works both ways and although you might have two reasons for cancelling, it’s understandable that COVID would be stressing you out and making you question the decision. Good luck with whatever you do x

To. Not too* argh.

I read the OP posts but still wanted to add some balance. I think that's still allowed.

Wow people have gone in on you🤦‍♀️😳 I love a destination wedding and look on the bright side at least you got a good number of responses to your post 😜🙃 (I’ve posted previously and didn’t even get a reply 😂😂😂!!!) But also if you did prefer the house and you could get refunds for those who have paid some money or at least reschedule then do it also!!! Good Luck x