To be cross that DD didn’t tell me her boyfriend was trans?

[WearyandBleary]

DD who is 16 has just had a horrible breakup with her boyfriend of 2 years. In the course of this crying etc she told me he was trans I e born a girl.

Now I don’t mind whatever but I’m so embarrassed that I had loads of heart to hearts with her about sex and contraception and she never said a thing!!! I feel like an idiot. She can’t understand why it matters. (?!?)

AIBU to be cross? I thought we had a good relationship and she was always honest with me. I feel like a chump!

My only concern here would be that my daughter hadn’t actually understood how conception works. While you were talking to her about getting pregnant it’s slightly alarming that she didn’t mention that it wasn’t physically possible for her to get pregnant by him. That information is critical for a woman or girl in any relationship to know so she can make choices about her fertility and decisions on the future family she may have.

I’d just pass on some factual information about how trans biology works.

Why? confused do you demand to know all the private medical details of everyone who stays over, or just transgender people?
Did I say that?
It's helpful to know if a guest who isn't an adult has diabetes, epilepsy, allergies etc.in general. I'd ask the parent of a child who was coming over for any length of time.

But "I have bad stomach cramps, have you got any tablets" is a rather different proposition in a person who could be having a period tomorrow or a person who will never have a period. My DN would ask that so I'm assuming a frequent guest of that age would also feel free to ask.

And if the houseguest bangs their head or cracks their arm and has to be taken to hospital even if their parents are on their way, the hospital needs to know their sex, especially if ordering an x-ray!

Teenagers are not noted for being sensible and if they have been told "you're a boy and anyone asking you doesn't need to know about your uterus" they aren't going to tell the hospital.

I disagree with most of the posts. I think it is a big thing. I don't have a dd, only ds's, but if I did have a dd, I hope she would've been able to tell me.

@JaniceBattersby

My only concern here would be that my daughter hadn’t actually understood how conception works. While you were talking to her about getting pregnant it’s slightly alarming that she didn’t mention that it wasn’t physically possible for her to get pregnant by him. That information is critical for a woman or girl in any relationship to know so she can make choices about her fertility and decisions on the future family she may have.

I’d just pass on some factual information about how trans biology works.

I reckon she knows exactly how conception takes place.

That's why letting her mother worry FOR TWO YEARS was hugely, hugely disrespectful. Her mother's concern was:
a) no doubt a bit of a joke
b) part of the game whereby the trans kid gets their validation "I pass so well that my ex's mother was giving her talks about contraception - for the two years we were together!"

@Oblomov20 Why is it a big deal? Could you explain?

really not about genital. Mental health issues go hand in hand with gender dysphoria.

There is nothing to say this kid has mental health issues at all, however, any one of the ops dds friends could have depression or anxiety or any number of mental health issues, do they all have to declare that to everyone they meet, or is there still allowed to be some privacy left in the world?

But "I have bad stomach cramps, have you got any tablets" is a rather different proposition in a person who could be having a period tomorrow or a person who will never have a period this kid is on blockers so doesn't have periods.

And if the houseguest bangs their head or cracks their arm and has to be taken to hospital even if their parents are on their way, the hospital needs to know their sex, especially if ordering an x-ray!

Teenagers are not noted for being sensible and if they have been told "you're a boy and anyone asking you doesn't need to know about your uterus" they aren't going to tell the hospital.

A random adult wouldn't be involved in passing medical details to healthcare professionals. Transgender people are pretty well versed in discussing their situation with people who may need to know. The op is not one of those people.

Dr, my view of being trans is that it is a very very big thing. It's unusual, so often isolating, a hard thing to come to terms with, the whole thing of feeling that you've been born into the wrong body. You actually want something You can never have, no matter how much surgery you have. It's not an easy journey.

And so for my child to be involved with a trans child, as their first relationship. And all the conversations that op has had that now we're not what she thought.

I suspect op is having a hard time reconciling what she thought she knew of in her dd, and the dd she has actually seen 'anew' as of this news.

So yes, I think this is a huge thing actually.

"Nobody would expect to know if their dds boyfriend had erectile dysfunction or a micropenis or one testicle, "

I disagree. I hope ds's can speak to me, without scorn!

If your first boyfriend has erectile dysfunction, then I'd hope a dd could talk to their mum about it. It actually isn't an easy thing to deal with and a 16 year old, in their first relationship might need a lot of support.

"Nobody would expect to know if their dds boyfriend had erectile dysfunction or a micropenis or one testicle, "

I disagree. I hope ds's can speak to me, without scorn!

If your first boyfriend has erectile dysfunction, then I'd hope a dd could talk to their mum about it. It actually isn't an easy thing to deal with and a 16 year old, in their first relationship might need a lot of support.

@Oblomov20 I was raped as a child. It was a very, very big thing. It's unusual and often isolating and a hard thing to come to terms with. It's not an easy journey.
I told my first boyfriend. I'd have been absolutely disgusted if he'd told his mum. 1. Because it's not his story to tell - exactly the same as this post. 2. Because it's none of her business and doesn't impact her - exactly the same as this thread. 3. Because it would change how she viewed/treated me - exactly the same as this thread.
Do you not see that?

@Oblomov20 If you hope to be that intimately involved in your teenager's sex lives and relationships then you're going to be very sorely disappointed.

Oblomov20 would you like your dcs private medical details being discussed by someone your dc trusted with that information?

Sorry to read that Dr.

"Because it's none of her (ie the mum -OP's) business and doesn't impact her - exactly the same as this thread. "

No. No. I totally disagree. It does impact op, mum quite a bit.

Sorry to read that Dr.

"Because it's none of her (ie the mum -OP's) business and doesn't impact her - exactly the same as this thread. "

No. No. I totally disagree. It does impact op, mum quite a bit.

would you like your dcs private medical details being discussed by someone your dc trusted with that information?
Equally, would you like YOUR private medical information that you shared with your children to be shared with their boyfriends and girlfriends? And therefore shared with their parents (because you think that parents have the right to know everything).

@Oblomov20 It does impact op, mum quite a bit How on earth does it possibly impact her?!

Dr, no I'm not disappointed. Re what my ds's do and don't tell me.

My ds's are older and have kept lots of things from me. Which is normal. I don't even wanna know thanks very much! But other things they have told me.

How does it impact the op at all? She didnt know for 2 years, it made not one bit of difference to the op in all that time. She is only upset now because she somehow feels betrayed by her dd, who was simply respecting her partners privacy.

It’s good that you’re there for her and being supportive when she needs you.

I would’ve been shocked too but as long as he treated her well and was respectful that’s all that matters.

Anyway, they’ve broken up now so he’s not your problem anymore.

I’d be having a good look at the next one that comes along!

You made an assumption that they were male. They weren't.

It's not DD's fault you gave sex advice to her based on your assumption.

And as a lesbian, there are often times when people assume I'm straight and I decide not to correct them - sometimes because they seem so invested in the fact I'm straight and I don't want them to change their opinion of me, sometimes because it's an awkward conversation to have after the assumption has been made and built on and sometimes because it's not worth the hassle of throwing out that curveball when it's irrelevant to that person anyway.

You're not having sex with the boyfriend so it's not something she would ever need to tell you. It was her choice and she decided not to. Getting cross with her is likely to result in her telling you less in future, not more.

You gave some advice that wasn't actually relevant to her, it's no big deal, is it?

@WearyandBleary perhaps she has dropped hints and incorrectly assumed you understood. Like perhaps because his dad had a conversation with you, your DD and her ex BF thought you were aware and were accepting of him. So perhaps she too was confused about why you talked about getting pregnant, or felt at that point that the misunderstanding had now gone too far and just went with it.
I wouldn't think of it as her deliberately leaving it out or not telling you - it could all be a case of crossed wires. Especially as you say you wonder what other conversations went over your head.
Maybe in the future when this is no longer raw you could ask her casually if she thought you knew and one day you will both chuckle over the whole thing?

YANBU - I think I would feel the same. I have teen DDs in long term relationships and a revelation like this would shock me.
Your feelings are not unreasonable at all but I don't think it would be reasonable to be openly cross with your DD. She probably has enough to deal with.