To be cross that DD didn’t tell me her boyfriend was trans?

[WearyandBleary]

DD who is 16 has just had a horrible breakup with her boyfriend of 2 years. In the course of this crying etc she told me he was trans I e born a girl.

Now I don’t mind whatever but I’m so embarrassed that I had loads of heart to hearts with her about sex and contraception and she never said a thing!!! I feel like an idiot. She can’t understand why it matters. (?!?)

AIBU to be cross? I thought we had a good relationship and she was always honest with me. I feel like a chump!

@Fairenuff -as I’ve explained earlier (appreciate that my original post was written fast and unclear), her first girlfriend at 15/16 was a girl. She’s now 25 and dates both men and women (with her current girlfriend being gender fluid). Pretty sure that doesn’t make her straight!

@SJaneS48

Really *@TheOnlyLivingBoyInNewCross*? I think the younger generation are quite the opposite and want the freedom to be who they want to be identity wise without a label they don’t identify with being stuck on them. Our generation (and I’m assuming with the Carter name you’re mine) struggle a lot more and want to box people up.

Interesting because I think it's absolutely the reverse. In the 80s, there was a lot more freedom to just be without having to define it. Everything nowadays seems so full of angst and there is so much insistence on everything being labelled. Otherwise why the anger and hostility when they perceive things to have been wrongly labelled?

I can see why you'd think what you think: the younger generation certainly believe that they are the most liberal generation ever, but then that is true of every teenage cohort since the concept was invented. To me, at my age, they seem more paralysed by insecurity and a chronic confusion over their own identity than any generation before them.

This generation of gender fluid people (from the various I know of my daughters friends) appear to be more confident in their own skins and moving between identities

Are you confident in your skin if you need to keep moving between identities?

@SluggishSnail Charlie is female.

Various things are different including whether or not your DD could get pregnant.

If your DD and her ex are under 18 then her ex is legally a female child and there are always more concerns about a female child being abused/harassed than a male child. So if you felt any degree of protectiveness towards Charlie it is important. For example, if you were getting them sorted to go out for a night out or go away to a festival, there will be plenty of men there who will realise Charlie is female and will be predatory towards Charlie in a way they would not be towards men. Same thing for health issues, if Charlie were to approach you for help/get sick under your roof, you do need to know that Charlie is female.
Young people feel invincible and they also feel that everyone else will see them exactly as they see themselves. Both are unfortunately not true.

If you don't feel particularly responsible or protective towards Charlie, that's fine, but I know parents often feel protective towards their children's partners in the same way they feel towards their own children, give them advice, help them out, give them lifts etc. And there is still of course the risk that Charlie would get sick under your roof.

@rainbringsjoytome, as per my 2 previous posts my DD1’s first relationship was with a girl with no penis! That I think makes it a lesbian one?!

@rainbringsjoytome I think yes. It’s not about being uncomfortable as A so tomorrow saying you’re B. It can be that today you are comfortable as A. Tomorrow you get up and think, “I’m feeling B today”, and going about your business. Next day - you may be A, B or C. That’s why it’s fluid. It’s not because you’re changing your mind or uncomfortable about A. You were perfectly OK with A - just today it’s not who you are.

Maybe one day we’ll all be Z all the time, and Z will encompass anything we are at any time, so we’ll stop thinking whether we’re A or B today. Like when I wear a dress today and trousers tomorrow - I’m just putting on clothes. If no-one has any issue with gender, perhaps we’ll stop thinking about it, just as I never stop to think whether skirt vs trousers says anything remotely interesting about me.

@SJaneS48 Read my post again. I did not say your daughter had never had a lesbian relationship. I said her relationship (singular, no 's' at the end of that) with a fully intact male is a heterosexual relationship.

I think concerns about Charlie getting sick under one’s house are OTT.

If Charlie is so sick that they can’t tell the doctor relevant info (about medication, for example) themselves, than Charlie’s parents will be called.

I don’t have a medical history of the children who come for sleepovers at my house.

@SJaneS48 I suppose what I'm saying is that my (in our 40's) age group don't find the current gender fluidity as shocking/surprising/difficult to understand as our teenagers sometimes think.

Why must do you feel that a gender fluid person can’t be confident in their own identity @rainbringsjoytome? Seems a little judgemental! Do you know many?

@TheOnlyLivingBoyInNewCross, my 80’s was extremely tribal & very much about defining yourself! I was a goth then indie girl and saw people very much in black and white (well, black mostly!). It was the decade of Pretty in Pink, yuppies & Sharon’s & Kevin’s - labelling went on hugely!

@AmICrazyorWhat2 - I completely agree that much like our parents were to us, we’re seen as unconscious dinosaurs by many of the younger generation!

@Iwalkinmyclothing Fair point about the approach that's changed. We, the middle-aged parents, are part of that, as I say above.

And I doubt anyone is still in their Pretty in Pink garb ... teenage experimentation and confusion is normal. And can be fun. Gaslighting and permanently fixing people in adolescence for life is a million miles away from wearing daft clothes and wishing you were Molly Ringwald or Rob Lowe.

‘And I doubt anyone is still in their Pretty in Pink garb’ - hope not, that final dress was hideous!

I think it's shocking that his parents let him take illegal drugs when he was, what 11, 12?

No wonder they were relieved when they thought you weren't judging them OP.

@rainbringsjoytome, fair point as I’ve re-read your post. Physically heterosexual as DDs girlfriend has a penis but as her girlfriend presents mainly in her female identity, not male, then this adds a different dimension. Basically we’re back to the whole ‘can a woman have a penis?’ argument that goes round in circles.

I’m less concerned personally about whether a woman has a penis than what impact the younger generations attitude towards gender identity has on feminism. My notion of feminism is one that includes rather than excludes but if ‘gender is just a construct’ which I’ve heard parroted by both my DD, nephew and niece, what impact has this on feminism? For my generation (I’ve just hit 50), female identity was empowering and there was much (and still is) to achieve and break down in terms of barriers. In an age where women are still paid less than men, still do the majority of the housework etc etc (and there are still so many etc’s), we need the young generation of women to be engaged with feminism.

I don’t see why I’m getting grief for not reporting his parents ffs. He goes to a normal school where a large number of professionals trained in safeguarding will be well aware of his situation and I’m sure would act if necessary. Why is that suddenly my responsibility?!

[quote SJaneS48]@rainbringsjoytome, fair point as I’ve re-read your post. Physically heterosexual as DDs girlfriend has a penis but as her girlfriend presents mainly in her female identity, not male, then this adds a different dimension. Basically we’re back to the whole ‘can a woman have a penis?’ argument that goes round in circles.

I’m less concerned personally about whether a woman has a penis than what impact the younger generations attitude towards gender identity has on feminism. My notion of feminism is one that includes rather than excludes but if ‘gender is just a construct’ which I’ve heard parroted by both my DD, nephew and niece, what impact has this on feminism? For my generation (I’ve just hit 50), female identity was empowering and there was much (and still is) to achieve and break down in terms of barriers. In an age where women are still paid less than men, still do the majority of the housework etc etc (and there are still so many etc’s), we need the young generation of women to be engaged with feminism.[/quote]
You are confusing gender with sex.

Gender is the social construct where people can present how they like and this can be fluid.

Feminism is concerned with sex based rights because females are disadvantaged all over the world because of their sex. This is something that they can't identify out of to keep themselves safe or gain equality.

This generation of gender fluid people (from the various I know of my daughters friends) appear to be more confident in their own skins and moving between identities

Identities or personality. So sad they have to put a label on themselves and create an identity but I imagine that's probably the appeal

Yes, a gender identity is more like your personality. It's the things you like doing, What they teach in school is that if you like pink and dolls you're a girl and if you like trucks and blue you're a boy. So if your personality doesn't match, then you're transgender.

I'd be hurt too op. And worried. At age 14-16 when a child still needs guidance in contraception, consent etc whether their boyfriend is trans or not is a very big issue. I'd hope they'd tell me about it. Her boyfriend should not be expecting her not to tell you he's trans. His confidential medical history affects your daughter too. She's still a child and, as has been shown, you were giving her advice which was not tailored to the situation at the time. No wonder you are upset. I wouldn't find it funny at all. Hopefully though she will confide in you in future.

I'd be hurt too op. And worried. At age 14-16 when a child still needs guidance in contraception, consent etc whether their boyfriend is trans or not is a very big issue. I'd hope they'd tell me about it. Her boyfriend should not be expecting her not to tell you he's trans. His confidential medical history affects your daughter too. She's still a child and, as has been shown, you were giving her advice which was not tailored to the situation at the time. No wonder you are upset. I wouldn't find it funny at all. Hopefully though she will confide in you in future.

^if Charlie were to approach you for help/get sick under your roof, you do need to know that Charlie is female.*

Why? do you demand to know all the private medical details of everyone who stays over, or just transgender people? Or do you have different strengths of paracetamol passed on what genetalia you have?

The op has clearly done a great job with her dd. She was told personal and private information, and was loyal and mature enough to keep it to herself.

Nobody would expect to know if their dds boyfriend had erectile dysfunction or a micropenis or one testicle, I can't really see why people would expect to be told about what is going on in their childs partners pants. Literally nobody elses business.

It's shocked me that this child has been given hormones for several years when they're only 16 now.

I would be upset by this too.

Knowing that you think biological sexual is a material reality, and not being told the truth about this kid at any point, especially in the safe-sex conversations, would hugely undermine my trust in her. It was massively disrespectful to you and your beliefs to let you be concerned about her when she knew there was no reason.

But nothing and nobody matters, if the trans person feels ok.

DD needs love and care and support, of course. Oodles of it. But there's also a time when a conversation about what respect looks like to you can come in. It's not even about divulging the kid is trans. She could have told you "It's private medical business, but 'James' can't get anybody pregnant, ever. We don't need this contraception discussion but please don't ask me any more." That would have been a step up in terms of treating you with some respect and not disclosing too much personal info of 'James'.