Tell me your pet peeve kind of posters!

[HurtPeopleHurtPeople]

Hands down for me are the ”if this was a man asking/doing/saying/bla bla”.....
all hell would apperently break loose.

What are yours?

(Oh and let’s vote on mine
yabu- you don’t mind these kind of posts
yanbu- you dislike these kind of post)

I want to know who this is...

I can think of a couple of posters this could apply to. 😬

Why have messages been deleted?

It used to happen but not now but still annoyed me. It would be in AIBU and a title that made you think it was about a relationship or issue at home but it was about Brexit Another thread saying the same thing as 300 other threads but they want the traffic of AIBU so didn't post in their own Brexit section.

"why did you have children with this man?"

What are they supposed to do? Shove them back in because their relationship has now hit the rocks?

People who just want to stick the boot in to someone having a hard time.

“And you had children with this man, why?”

Should be on a ‘three strikes and you’re out’ warning.

unmumsnetty hugs just comes across as some middle class bollocks "I'm not like those "hugs hunny xx" people, but I want to say the exact same thing".

People who don’t seem to realise that giving advice isn’t the same as giving instructions. Will pop up later in a thread (during which various perspectives have been offered) to ask ‘what was the point of you posting, OP, if you’re not going to....’ (basically, do as I said)

redcar - I hate that too...the arrogance and self-importance of that sort of response gives me the rage. Advice is not the same as a set of bloody orders. Who are these people who realistically assume the person they’re advising is about to blow their whole life apart there and then, on their say to the point of being actively shitty to them about it when they don’t? Pull your head out of your own arse ffs. Behave.

I know this is unkind... but i really hate the suspense novel style of cryptic alarming DV/MH threads.

Posters reply earnestly, you can tell they are really concerned and giving great advice.. but no.. the op just finds new twists and turns to why nothing will ever work.

I understand that a person can be affected so much they can't think logically, but I find it strange that they post about it in a tone and using words that indicate they know their situation is messed up or that they are mentally unwell.
So on some level they know they need help and to do something about it.

When a poster puts it out there online reading it feels like helpless watchers of a car crash. These threads tend to have a random title, no trigger warning, so you click and then you are hooked trying to understand whats going on..some of it sounds so ridiculous but the real risk is that they may be so unwell you have to be so careful not to say anything that might just be the last straw..

and its so uncomfortable reading all the caring responses wanting to help only to be shut down again and again by the op with yet more grim snippets and excuses why nothing will work..

I dont know what they are trying to achieve. They don't answer questions, refuse suggestions of help. Post more alarming cryptic messages when the thread dies down.

I think such posts should be removed and the old test of being MNer for a while isn't enough.

Anyone who ends 'or should I just give my head a wobble' - no you should be shot for using such an inane phrase.

@IcedPurple

Anyone else hate the MN fave 'We've lost sight of what a normal weight is'. Just me?

No it’s not just you.

Posters who (sometimes incorrectly!) pick on other posters' grammar and spelling, often while having less than perfect language themselves. Posters who claim not to be able to understand a post due to lack of paragraphs or less than perfect grammar.

I daren't post about anything after reading this thread!

However, the grammar police can fuck off.

Posts that say:

“Well said (gives someone’s username)”

“I totally agree with (gives someone’s username)”

“Everything that (gives someone’s username) said is 100% correct!”

“I can’t believe you said that (gives someone’s username) - that’s so harsh”

Etc etc

You get the point!

I just want to scream at the screen and tell them that if they’re going to say such things they need to at least copy/paste what it is the previous poster has said so the rest of us don’t have to go scrawling back through pages and posts in order to find out what the poster is actually referring to.

.

Posters asking for really specific advice about something and have long, detailed responses but the OP just drops in occasionally with one line like 'i'll look into that' or 'thanks'.

Just make a bit of an effort to engage with people that are trying to help!

I tend to give the "you had children with this ghastly man, why?" crowd the benefit of the doubt. Clearly something has changed within the relationship. It would be better to ask when and why the partner changed (or stopped pretending to be a decent person), but maybe the "why did you have children with him" question is a bad attempt at getting at that, because the answer is that he wasn't bullying, abusive, whatever at the time.

And I quite like some of the twee MN mannerisms like the head tilt, the tinkly little laugh and the head wobble.

Nah...it’s a plain expression of judgement, disapproval and superiority. That’s how it comes across because that’s what it is.

Though I can see what you mean...some people will intend it as you describe...but few.
For most it’s just a passing snide that elevates the poster for a moment or two, what with their own choices in life being so jolly clever.

I'm getting tired of gender switch "gotcha" threads about domestic violence. We all know this is an overwhelmingly female site, with frequent threads by women whose male partners are abusing them. They know that too, which is why they target us and not, say, Reddit. But that's precisely why it's not a "gotcha". We all know what the vast majority demographic is here and what's very much most likely when someone posts, unless stated otherwise. That's WHY they target Mumsnet specifically. Because they know what the reasonable assumption is.

Obviously men can be abused by women, it is every bit as wrong and they deserve as much support. But by attempting a gender switch "gotcha", you're not highlighting the plight of male victims. You're just weaponising their abuse to attack women and delegitimise male on female violence. It's a very different agenda.

If you really do want to show support and campaign to assist abused men, just be open and honest. Tell the story straight. We can believe it happens, we don't need sudden, "clever" reveals. Gender switching relies on the very fact that most domestic violence is indeed male on female, so you're really only proving that point while failing to highlight abused men as a legitimate cause in their own right.

I do often think how some posters manage to tie their shoe laces.

Common sense seems to have gone out the window.
Some have absolutley no cop on.

Or helicopter parents who wont let their 25 year old ds to the shops on his own.

Pictish - I never ask it, but I do sometimes wonder, because I want to understand the changed relationship dynamic. I've probably been naive in thinking that most others were coming from the same place but I'm sure you're right and there might be an implied sneer and judgement there.

Rayoflightboy - Well quite.

Not to write an essay about it on this thread, but there are known trigger points in abuse becoming a factor.
These commonly include: Buying a home and moving in together, pregnancy, marriage, the birth of a baby. They are all scenarios in which an investment has been made and therein, an undeniable degree of codependency. In the case of a baby, that investment is irreversible.
In short, the abuser knows the target is not about to up and leave so they feel much more at ease in indulging their abusive traits.

This is not my opinion btw - you can readily find this information via credible domestic abuse resources online.

Add to that unpredictable, life changing personal circumstances that occur such as illness, bereavement, trauma, substance abuse and so on, it is not difficult to assume that he wasn’t always a blatant nasty bastard and that the OP acted in good faith when she had children with him...just like the smart arse with all the answers did when she fell in love with her husband.

“At what point in the relationship did he start behaving like this?”, is quite different to, “And you had children with this man, why?”.

The inference that the OP has found herself embroiled with an abuser through stupidity, is actually pretty galling.

The inference that the OP has found herself embroiled with an abuser through stupidity, is actually pretty galling

The belief persists, widely and strongly, that abuse is something that happens only to stupid or weak people. It's one of many reasons why so many women in abusive relationships sincerely don't believe that they are. Many women think that it can't be abuse if they shout back, or are generally very self-possessed. Mel B spoke about this in her claims about her abusive marriage. She was Scary Spice, for goodness sake, she was all about Girl Power, she sold herself as a strong and independent woman...so how could she admit that this could have happened to her?