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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Sister bought house and didn't tell me

351 replies

IndieRo · 04/07/2020 12:09

So got a what's app picture from my sister last night with a picture of her new home. We speak most days so I was shocked and hurt that she never mentioned it. She said due to Covid 19 they didn't know what was happening but it's a brand new house so obviously viewed it and got mortgage before Covid-19. I'm just really hurt. Am I being unreasonable to think she should have told me.

OP posts:
PersonaNonGarter · 04/07/2020 15:57

She thought you might react weirdly. And you have.

nanbread · 04/07/2020 16:07

I'd have to ask why. It's weird not to tell you.

Wife2b · 04/07/2020 16:07

We are in the process of buying our first house, we’ve not told many people except our parents as we don’t know if it’ll go through. If my sister was upset that I’d not mentioned it then I’d be confused why. I don’t think it’s a big deal op x

Kelsoooo · 04/07/2020 16:10

I'm literally doing this right now.

We're buying a house, our first.

The only people that know;

My aunt and uncle
My boss and a colleague
His boss and some colleagues.

We've not told anyone else. None of my siblings, none of our parents, no friends. Oh the landlord he knows (a friend).

Why?

1/. In case it falls through, it'll be difficult enough for us emotionally with us having to listen to bullshit pithy phrases

2/. Don't really like any of our parents

3/. Don't want needless input. Demanding we have a South facing garden/this survey/etc. Etc. Because they needed those things, no thought as to what we require

4/. Don't need them prying into our finances

5/. Ultimately it's none of their goddamn business.

We'll tell them when it becomes necessary - probably around completion.

GreyGardens88 · 04/07/2020 16:15

I'm sure I've read this before

minionsrule · 04/07/2020 16:20

Whilst i don't speak to my sister every day I did the same when we bought after 15 years of renting. We weren't sure we would get the mortgage so only told her once we had formal approval.
She wasn't offended

Jeremyironsnothing · 04/07/2020 16:20

I'd be hurt too. What did she say when you asked her why she hadn't told you?

Iminaglasscaseofemotion · 04/07/2020 16:20

I just think it's really sneaky if I'm being honest.

Wow bit much. You sound very controlling.

monkeyonthetable · 04/07/2020 16:23

As @Kelsoooo says - ultimately it's no one's business except the buyers. I might be upset if they'd moved and not told me, but I wouldn't bat an eyelidf if they'd bought without telling me. I'm pretty sure they did. My parents certainly did.

Moltenpink · 04/07/2020 16:27

I would guess she wanted you to be proud of her independence, especially if you have helped her a lot in the past.

NameChange84 · 04/07/2020 16:31

I bought a house a while back. My siblings still don’t know. We don’t live in the same country and they are super attached to the “spoiled youngest child living off mummy and daddy into adulthood narrative” so it really amuses me. So many times over the past two years they’ve said “will you tell mum and dad x?”
and I’ve said “Sure. Next time I see them” and they’ve never picked me on it. They never ask what’s going on with me or how so am so dropping “by the way, I bought a house” into a conversation is difficult.

I’m partly scared they will want to come and stay and them and their kids will wreck my house. For that reason my parents also didn’t want them to know. They’ve had to put up with a lot of disrespect under their own roof.

CareBear50 · 04/07/2020 16:40

The OP has used the term "sneaky". I think she has simply chosen the wrong word.

Based on her posts I think she means.... We are really close. I thought we shared most major milestones with each other....and buying your first home is a major milestone. I feel really hurt and can't understand why she didn't want to share this exciting news with me when I thought we had a very transparent and open relationship.

I could be wrong... But that's my take on it.

Original poster
IndieRo · 04/07/2020 16:51

I've been reading all your comments and it's given me a lot to think about. Maybe I'm stuck in that mothering role and that's why I'm finding it hard. Some posts have asked if I'm opinated or critical or overbearing, I'm none of these. I'm not this big bad older sister wanting to control my younger sister. There have been times in the past that I have had to take a step back from her as she was over bearing and needy and in all honesty was quite draining. I always listened, encourged and supported. I feel like I'm being portrayed at this horrible nasty interfering bitch which I'm not. I'm a very loyal and sensitive person and yes I thought we had a different relationship than we obviously have. Sister was previously in a rented property so notice would have to be given. I have been involved in her life with her insistence. I'm going to step back from the situation and my sister for a bit. I also congratulated her on her new home, told her it looked magnificent and wished her the best of luck.

OP posts:
Original poster
IndieRo · 04/07/2020 16:52

@CareBear50, that is exactly it. Thank you.

OP posts:
UnfinishedSymphon · 04/07/2020 16:57

What a weird reaction, the only thing I'd be feeling is happy for them

Ginkypig · 04/07/2020 16:59

My sibling is moving house next week, Iv known for a month because our parent mentioned it but sibling hasn't told me yet. I'm sure they will eventually.

I don't care, it's nothing to do with me really. I'm pleased for them and I hope it works out but not upset Iv not specifically been told.

SisterAgatha · 04/07/2020 16:59

I honesty think it’s about her, not you. Is this the first big thing she’s done on her own? She might have just wanted that big money shot - look I’ve bought a house!

If I were moving now, I’d not tell anyone. It’s draining to talk about how it’s going when the news is literally the same as it was last month. And the month before.

Don’t think too much in to it, and it’s not a reflection on your relationship at all. If she’d moved away and never told you, that’s different x

Mymycherrypie · 04/07/2020 17:02

Could it be that it’s a new build? I don’t like new builds at all, my friends all know, if they were buying one they’d probably not tell me (and I’d totally understand!) because although of course I’d be happy for them and say all the right things, they’d know deep down that I secretly hated their house Confused

TheGroak · 04/07/2020 17:07

What? You’re stepping back from your sister, who by your own account, you’re close to because she bought a house and didn’t discuss it with you first?
You’re acting like she moved, didn’t tell you and won’t tell you where she’s moved to.
It’s really not about you.

AmazingBouncingFerret · 04/07/2020 17:09

Oh yes OP very sneaky behaviour. TBH grounding doesn’t do much nowadays, maybe you could try removing her electronics or at the very least delete the right move app...

CrabtreeEstate · 04/07/2020 17:14

My DP didn't even tell his own mother that he had bought his first home. That was before he had even moved out and was still living with her. Despite all the mortgage paperwork etc being posted to her house, the first she knew about it was when he said "I'm moving out in 3 days time". She's never quite forgiven him for that... Grin

LadyFlumpalot · 04/07/2020 17:24

We didn't tell my PIL we were buying a house until the day before we moved in as otherwise they would have been acting like it was their house purchase and wanting us to live in their town. Do you maybe have form for getting overly invested in your sisters decisions?

pictish · 04/07/2020 17:25

Why are you going to step back from her?

Dahlietta · 04/07/2020 17:28

I think it’s a bit weird, but if there’s nothing else going on, that’s all it is. I also can’t see how it’s sneaky or why you would take a step back.

How did you react? I would have just said something like, “Wow, that’s brilliant! How come you didn’t tell me about this?!” Then you might have got an answer and wouldn’t need to be brooding about it.

animalprintfree · 04/07/2020 17:29

I could understand not telling colleagues, acquaintances, people you barely know...but your own sister that you speak to regularly -very strange! I would be hurt too OP.