Sister bought house and didn't tell me

[IndieRo]

So got a what's app picture from my sister last night with a picture of her new home. We speak most days so I was shocked and hurt that she never mentioned it. She said due to Covid 19 they didn't know what was happening but it's a brand new house so obviously viewed it and got mortgage before Covid-19. I'm just really hurt. Am I being unreasonable to think she should have told me.

I took care of her. I've always been there for her, godmother to her daughter, helped her move from rental properties previously, went in holidays together. I just think it's really sneaky if I'm being honest. I can understand not telling everyone but I'm her sister.

If your attitude is that she 'owes' you total disclosure on all her activities because you've 'always been there for her', then I think you have the answer to your bafflement. She wants a bit of space from your input.

In the nicest possible way, also isn't there much going on in your own life that a sibling's house purchase looms as some major event?

I'm fond of my parents and siblings, and talk regularly but I didn't tell them I was getting married, only told them I was pregnant at 20 weeks (and didn't tell them I was in labour until DS had been born by CS), didn't tell them we were moving countries, didn't tell them we had almost bought a house but pulled out when a big problem emerged late in the process etc.

My parents are terrible worriers who are capable of imagining the worst in virtually any scenario, so it's kinder all round to present them with a fait accompli, and also I get irritated by the handwringing, as if normal life events are some kind of opportunity for doom.

Maybe you aren't as close as you think?

Depends how you get on. We once shared personal information about a very big life decision. We got rather a lot of unwelcome "advice" and for various reasons it didnt happen. A few years later it came up again we waited till everything was set in stone, then broke the news

To me, the fact that you are pissed off enough about this to post in AIBU suggests that she was entirely correct not to tell you sooner.

And Referring to someone you claim to love as sneaky for buying a house is very telling. Your sister isn’t your property.

I think it's perfectly possible to be close and not to want to disclose things about your life until the die is cast, for any number of reasons.

I adore my parents, but I only told them I'd got married a year or a year and a half after we did (we'd had to do it for a logistical reason, so just did it very quietly with two witnesses), purely because I had a lot going on my life at the time, and I didn't need a run-through of how my mother thought I should have got married (parish church in home country, Catholic ceremony, white dresses, sisters as bridesmaids, 200 guests including X and Y because they'd invited my parents to their children's weddings in 1995 etc etc).

I think if she’d moved in and been living there a year without mentioning it, you could call it sneaky.

She probably just wanted a wow moment. Let her have it.

Are you quite opinionated OP? Could she be worried you wouldn't like it and try to talk her out of it? Is it a style you would've chosen?

And everyone is allowed to keep their little secrets close to their chest and enjoy them for a while without other people knowing about it. It’s not unhealthy or sneaky.

And if she was in a rental property before, she didn’t have anything to sell. So nothing to talk about there. It’s a new build, so no chain to worry over and talk about. She can move in slowly probably. So no moving van issues to chew over.

She wanted something nice for herself, I’m 100% sure it’s that.

My brother had bought a house and secured a mortgage during the pandemic so it has been happening. Mortgage advisors etc have been working from home or in empty offices. Viewings can be done remotely via live video link, and more recently will have been able to take place in person. I can completely understand her not wanting to tell anyone until it actually went through so I think YABU.

Sometimes you have to make the biggest decisions by yourself. Advice can be welcome at times, but it can also be confusing and off-putting. This isn’t like choosing a new dress or redecorating. You can’t take a house back within 28 days if you’ve still got the receipt.

I moved to London nearly 12 years ago and didn’t tell a soul I was doing it until I had a job offer and had handed in my notice at my existing job. People were shocked, but I couldn’t have made the decision with every man and his dog putting their two penneth in. My dad in particular is not someone you can just float an idea with. Had I said ‘I’m thinking of moving to London’, I couldn’t have just chatted about the possibility - he’d have wanted to know if I’d looked for jobs yet, where would I live, would I sell my place or rent it out, was I sure I could afford it, had I got my budget planned... it would have to have been a business plan before it could even be a general discussion.

OP - you mention that you ‘looked after’ your sister when your parents split. Are you sure you’re not stuck in a slightly paternal dynamic, where you feel like you have to advise - even if that advice isn’t requested? Maybe your sister just wants to stand on her own two feet for a change; to make a decision without anyone else’s input, or the possibility of being talked out of it.

Can you not just be excited and happy for her?

I'd do the same. Everyone wants to give your their opinion when you're buying a house or other big decision and I don't want it.

It’s is very odd behaviour from the sister.

As for those saying talking about it would jinx it, do you really think that speaking about something can cause change in an outcome? A bit like a magic spell? 🤪

I totally get it. During lockdown my brother put his house on Zoopla and the first I heard of it was yesterday when they accepted an offer. I’m trying to be excited for them but I am hurt he hadn’t mentioned it.

Does seem weird she didn’t mention she was looking to move or found a house she liked

Where was she living before

I don’t tell my close family a lot of things. I usually do it when it’s all done and dusted. I don’t want anyone’s unsolicited opinion or radio interference with my decisions.

If someone felt entitled to be involved in my life decisions I’d shut them out too.

On another note, we told people when we were looking at houses and I’ve still not quite forgiven them for some of the interfering and negative comments.

Maybe people mean jinx it as in the sister just wants to enjoy something without everyone pulling it apart and having opinions on it when she just wanted to enjoy something on her own for a while. She’s told her now, it’s not like she’s been living a lie

Maybe she didn't want to jinx it? Or answer endless questions or requests for an update?
I'm like this by the way...for example, if I apply for a job or have an interview, I don't tell anyone until I'm offered and want to accept the job. It's just added pressure, the constant "have you heard anything?"
As far as I'm concerned there is nothing TO tell until things are official. So in my opinion your sister has gone about things in the right way. Let's face it, things can go wrong on the day of the move so she's quite right to wait until she's actually got the keys.

I wonder if she needed to move out of the rental property quickly and was lucky enough to be able to sort out the purchase quickly. Developers will be falling over themselves to sell at the moment. She would be an uncomplicated conveyance case so it could have happened within weeks.

I'd be hurt by this too. I don't think it's "entitled" to expect a sister you speak with regularly, normally help move house, generally involved in each other's lives etc to tell you she's moving. Maybe she didn't want to jinx it, but I'd assume she would at least explain that.

OP,
It sounds like you have an almost parental relationship towards her, having semi brought her up, supporting her, and being ahead of her - in terms of getting houses etc.

The idea that she is 'sneaky' not to tell you something about her life also sounds parental - in the way we don't want teenagers to have parts of their lives we know nothing about, and they are doing something wrong if they have a secret.

Based on that, I wonder if part of your hurt is that you would have lived to share in this with her - maybe helped her do it even - and perhaps some of her not sharing it was about her wanting to know she was doing this for herself, by herself?

Perhaps you could just tell her that you are proud of her and happy for her, and not make it about what she told you/ when?

I do understand how confusing and hurtful it might feel though.....

OP is getting a bit of a bad time here!

I'd be upset especially if the relationship was very close. I understand why people want to keep things quiet in case they fall through in the beginning, but she must of signed contracts weeks ago (our neighbours did and move in 3 weeks) so it not like she's couldn't of told you then.

Very odd.

I think it's more likely you are too close and the more knowledgeable big sister/parental angle is more irritating to her now she's older and more independent.

I'm an older sister and whilst my younger sister will always be the baby in the family she acts a lot more mature than me these days.